Is it normal for your boyfriend to not reply quick enough?

[Anonymous]

So we dated 5 years ago he moved away a year later we’ve been long distance ever since and he’s Muslim so he got engaged to someone back home apparently not by his choice and he’s saying he’ll never marry her he only needs me and saying he will tell his family we’re still talking after then moving him away and calling me telling me to leave him alone. Anyways so now we’re long distance before he’d only visit me once a year and I found out he’d actually come to my city for eid to see his friends without even seeing me after like almost a year of not seeing each other anyways said his cousins were with him so he couldn’t see me that day. Anyways back to the story lol he works 8am-8pm 6 days a week in his family shop. I get a reply maybe 3-8 hours later sometimes 16 hours or maybe no reply for a day like once a month but I’ve noticed he can reply instantly sometimes if it’s sexual lol. But he does treat me like a princess face to face I can’t cook clean or use my money or open doors he does it all for me and tells me to relax and he comes to see my family but I don't know feel like I’m being so mugged off. Watching women get spoilt with gifts and having their man spend so much time with them and I get one or two days a year. Although this year he’s come almost every month now as I was going to leave him but still why can’t he just marry me already tell his family or give me time and love etc

[Anonymous]

You are 100% wasting your time. He will not dishonor or disobey his family, he won’t turn his back on his religion. To be arranged for marriage, his fam has to be devout in their Muslim faith. He may hate it and that’s what causes him to rebel, and he may even want to be with you, but he will not actually do that.
This is me telling you as a woman who was on and off with a Muslim man for yeaaars. He swore up and down he could do what he wanted, dress how he wanted, his family wasn't deep into the religion, his mother was even a single mom she fled the country with her kids. That part is what sold me. But I was devastatingly disappointed in the end, and I believe you will be too if you don’t back off now. Love yourself more than him, it’s so much more worth it in the end.

[Asker]

Thank you so much🫶🏼honestly I have a feeling he would just surprises me we were each others firsts so young. Then just got heartbroken from him moving away and I just stopped living, lost friends and at home alone drained every year💤Just don’t think I’ll finding someone else when I don’t socialise & seen how most men are sm worse an cheat etc. Just feel like as he helps financially & still talks to me asking my family is etc feel like it’s safer to keep him than to leave & find someone who’s worse. I wanted kids & a house by 25 & I’m already 21 feel like times running out🤧he’s said he wants to start trying now for kids this month & every month with me but still hasn’t tried marrying me first said we will get married once I’m pregnant…? I don't know if he wants to do that so he’s forced to end up with me so his family can’t reject us or idk🤧

[Opinion Owner]

21? Honey, you are holding on to the image of a teenage boy rather than the man he is having to become now. Do you know what this is with you? Sex, casual sex. Maybe my math isn’t mathing, but you are 21 and it’s been 5 years right? So if I’m correct you got together at 16, he left at 17, you saw him 3-4 times since this year, now once a month. That means excluding before he moved, you’ve maybe seen this man 10 times, and you are genuinely ready to give him babies? Without marriage without a commitment, knowing he’s going to an arranged marriage and literally fueling this all off a fantasy you want for the future and whatever words he says? You are not being realistic whatsoever, and I think the fact that you’ve given up your life and friends, you’ve convinced yourself he’s the only man and there will never be another. I wish you could see from an outside perspective how tragic that is. You need to get out of your house. Reconnect with friends if you can, pick up some hobbies, start LIVING. You are waiting for a baby to make your life worthwhile, don’t do that to yourself. It’s gross to be giving it up to that man ready to let him knock you up then fly back to his duties in another country, that is a horrible story to tell your kids one day. Please consider wanting more for your life, you are wasting it so desperately.

[Opinion Owner]

Imagine if this were someone you love and admire very much, maybe a sister cousin or very best friend, and they told you this story, what would you say? You’d say it’s dumb, to get out of it they deserve better. On top of that you’re so worried about winding up with a bad cheating man, yet willing to risk being abandoned with a baby by a man married in another country. Don’t you see how wild that is?

[Asker]

Thank you I needed to hear that I low-key know I’m being mugged but just have seen worse out there that’s all that’s putting me off from leaving him… and yeah we were pretty close friends for a year before dating he helped me a lot, he had a lot of fights with friends as they all tried getting with me and he’d just moved to this country and lost his friends and we only had each other etc we went through a lot then he just left and everything changed. But honestly you’re right… thank youu

[Asker]

And yes I keep thinking of it from other perspectives and knowing how insane it is how I’m just letting it all slide but I just keep telling myself he’s been through hell lost his dad can’t see his mum watching his country struggle and friends family dying and separated from siblings, dragged away from his friends and myself and forced to open a business and run It mostly alone teaching his family English while still learning himself trying not to sin in his religion by meeting me but still sinning to see me… he was struggling so bad with his mental health etc and petrified of his family… sleeps on the floor on blankets in a shared room with his family all in one room… etc and I just find it so hard to believe he’d genuinely leave me alone with a kid he hates the thought of me working he knows he’d have to help financially and physically etc

[Opinion Owner]

No worries hun. I know there’s always a possibility to wind up in a bad situation but you’re just as likely to wind up in a much better one. The problem is you are convincing yourself to stay with this guy, so instead of being optimistic, you’d rather focus on what can go wrong elsewhere rather than what can go right, which in general I think is a mindset you should work on moving away from. Anyway, I doubt you will just drop this man and leave him alone, it’s never that easy. So the most I really hope you do is to start correcting how you think and start looking at the situation for what it is so that you can find the courage and strength to cut ties. Let him go off to that arranged marriage (this will happen, you must make peace with this), and you start rebuilding your life. Don’t focus so much on kids and a house by 25, there’s no rush! Build up your own wealth, find an actual king not a poser, do something you can look back at in 10 years and be proud of. I only tell you this as someone with the experience to do so. If you need someone to talk to about this who actually can relate then feel free to send me your username, I’ll give you a message and it’ll just be there if you need advice. If not that’s absolutely fine as well, you can come back to this conversation. I’m wishing you a lot of luck, growth and wisdom as you decide what comes next. I hope you choose yourself🩵

[Asker]

Honestly it’s the thought of having kids with another man and them leaving and me struggling in all aspects especially money wise it’s my biggest fear due to my parents lifestyle… he just brings some sense of security I know even if I was the most nastiest person to him he’d still help me financially and emotionally and never say anything evil to me… I think that’s my issue but last year something changed and I hated him a lot and now it’s not really any love at all mostly just accepting most men are trash and either way I’d be left in the end or cheated on as I see men to be naturally like that so to have one who I know would still help just feels safer as I genuinely know almost every man cheats or leaves etc… but then again I could be extremely luckily it’s just a huge risk in my eyes to leave him as the second I give someone else a chance he’s gone forever… he’ll have his fiancé to fall back on I’ll have no one… but at the same time I have so much hatred for what he’s done to me… honestly thank you so much you’re so sweet for even spending time replying let alone trying to genuinely help me💜I’m basically detached from him mostly anyways I just have to convince myself there’s someone better out there for me🫶🏼thank you again 🤗sorry for the essay too just want to be as understood from my pov x

[Opinion Owner]

I ask this kindly, and I don't know your history with dating, but it sounds like he’s pretty much the only guy you’ve been with since high school, correct? If that is the case, then aside from what you witness other people go through, how can you tell yourself most men are trash? What experiences do you personally have? I think this is one of those things you try to convince yourself of as well. You make it impossible to leave him because you’re too afraid of losing him. But what are you losing? Not a real boyfriend when he’s literally engaged to be married. You can do so much better and yes, you do have to start convincing yourself there is better out there. However there’s no chance of finding it if you’re always home isolated and never meeting people. I think once you start realizing that that there’s 8 billion people in this world, you will stop fixating on building a life with just this one man. You’ve dreamt up a life in the future for if things go right, but being realistic you have to consider if things go wrong. I think you will be most disappointed in the time you’ve wasted and can’t get back. Anyway, it’s totally fine that you wrote a lengthy response, as you see I am guilty of that as well lol I definitely understand your POV, I just hope you can also understand you will be fine if you leave him and there’s more to life than motherhood and marriage.

[Asker]

Yeah he’s the first serious but last year when I found out he got engaged I tried moving on and found out the guy had a girlfriend already luckily I didn’t let him use me, think it’s my dad being this grossly open cheater woman hater and every woman in my family being cheated on by all their partners and my friends and constantly seeing women on social media being cheated on and men in comments enjoying watching women suffer… but you’re right I’m losing nothing I’m not getting any time much love or time or anything from him he’s taught me to live without him and yes I’m already so angry at him for hurting me in my most important young years… thank you for explaining it from your point of you :))🫶🏼

[Opinion Owner]

Oh man, I hear you 100%. It is very hard to believe in good men and good relationships when you’re watching the people you love and who are supposed to be a good example for you cheat or get cheated on. It’s hard to understand healthy when it’s your parents doing the exact opposite. You are valid for having this dilemma. Maybe it’s the optimist in me, but for all those bad situations you witness, think of all the good ones too! Like I know some people are extra on social media and not very realistic so it’s hard to believe in that. But what about the people with no platform? The regular folks you see that are in happy, wholesome relationships, they are a good example. Proof that proper men still exist. I have a lot of confidence you will find him, even if it doesn’t afford you a baby before 25 lol, I remember wanting a baby by 24, that’s when my mom got pregnant and I figured it would be a good time, I’d have all my fun party shit out of the way and ready to be a mom. Now I’m 30 with no kids lol and that’s ok! Especially in this economy I’m not in a rush anymore. You don’t have to be either. Also, no worries! I hope I’ve said something helpful or encouraging for you to really drop this man rather than invest more years. He’s stolen enough with no reward on your end.

[Asker]

Yess that’s so true… I see the happy couples and I have hope then the comments “not everything is how it seems on camera” 😂but I’ll have to find some hope otherwise I will just destroy my own future before it can even happen… and haha honestly my baby fever has been so bad since I was like 17😵‍💫watching my friends my age having kids just makes me want them now. But I also want to have some freedom and travel and enjoy my life before I get tied down to a huge commitment… and honestly your words have helped a lot over the years I’ve grown to despise him and get so comfortable on my own and dependant on myself that honestly i wouldn’t even be sad without him anymore… just my mindset saying he’d be a better dad than most dads and just thinking if we’re together or not let’s just have kids and enjoy life as it goes and not feel attached and prioritise my kids and my dog but I think in the long run I’d definitely regret that I didn’t have kids with someone I could be happy with and enjoy life with daily. I’m an impatient perfectionist soul that’s my issue but you’ve shown me an outside perspective and honestly sounds much more peaceful than staying tied down in this situation so thank you again 🤗

[Opinion Owner]

I hear you about the baby fever lol before I turned 25 and was dealing with the Muslim guy I was fixated on being a stay at home mom. It took me a while to realize that sounds very nice when I worked a job I didn’t love and otherwise stuck at home. It was actually a coworker of mine (who was an older woman, Muslim and a mom) who knocked some sense into my brain lol she said I was wasting my life and to leave the guy because we are from very different worlds and I wouldn’t be accepted. That was super hard for me to hear and it almost felt like discriminatory but I knew that wasn’t her intention and ultimately she was right. On paper the guy I was seeing was pretty perfect, he made a lot of money, nice cars kind personality but wouldn’t fully commit. Always held me at arms length. Men who love you and really want a relationship don’t string you along and manipulate you with sad stories, my guy has the worst stories of his upbringing man😩. If I didn’t listen to her and leave then I never ever would’ve met who I’m with now, and I think that will be the same for you. That guy stands between you and the rest of your life. From another country! Lol you deserve more.

[Asker]

Oh my! That sounds like the life I’m living 🤧 I didn’t like my job cold depressing warehouses and he told me when we’re married I won’t be working at all and I loved the thought of not worrying about money being at home with kids living life. I had a Muslim woman tell me as well the same thing at my job… I don’t even know why I kept telling myself he’s different from the rest. And yes the upbringing stories 🙃made me feel guilty to give up or expect things from him with his struggles. But realised when I went through so so much he left and never asked if I was okay I just let everything slide it’s crazy honestly. And I’m so happy you found someone else that’s better for you😌I hope to find someone one day🤞🏼thank you!

[Opinion Owner]

Crazy that a woman from your job told you what she did as well! Lol interesting the stories of people you meet and how they can relate. Do you have any jobs that you want or hobbies that interest you? I also loved the idea of not worrying about money, but that’s what my coworker did. She raised all these kids, her husband fell on hard times and she got a position at my old job working as a babysitter, in her late 50s when she should be relaxing enjoying her grand babies. She told me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life aside from that man because time is going to pass no matter what. I found something I enjoy and now it’s like I could be a housewife if I wanted and manage business from home. I’m glad I made that choice. Thank you! I hope you find the right person as well, but please try to enjoy your life the best you can in the meantime. If you can connect with old friends, reach out to them, you’d be surprised how happy they are to hear from you. I know I was surprised lol. Start creating a life you can be excited about, you’re so young and there’s so much time. All the best☺️🩵

[laraWM]

Don't worry too much about it, if he's nice with you

[Asker]

Thank you

[boggboss]

Lol u think he will pick u over his family lol

[Asker]

See I don’t but why is he lying to them meeting me behind their backs saying to me they can’t do nothing once we’re married and now he’s coming every month to see me and I mentioned one day having a baby and he wants to try now to have a kid with me every month… it doesn’t make sense. He’s scared of his family reaction but willing to have a baby n risk his family hating him

[boggboss]

Well not really because he will always be able to claim thats not his kid

[Asker]

Yes that’s true although I know if it came down to it he’d never do that to his own kid. And he always takes photos of us together on my phone also private one’s and knows I have his families social media etc he knows I could show them in a heartbeat that we’ve been together and he has all our old photos saved to his phone his family could see anytime, he had me stay in his family house without them knowing for a week just to see me from being long distance whilst they’re home. Strict Afghan Muslims who would go ballistic if he even was friends with a girl let alone having a girl stay inside their home hiding just to be together. We both risked a lot. He use to run away back to me until he realised it only got worse and they never gave up taking him away n his phone money etc police at my door saying he’s missing etc… it’s just a weird situation tbh

[boggboss]

Just sounds like a guy enjoying a double life whilst he can

[Asker]

Yeah that’s true… he hasn’t met this other girl she’s in his country and was forced into a phone call Engagement… but they haven’t spoke etc so it’s not a double life yet… just me for now if I find out he ever meets her etc I’ll be instantly gone

[boggboss]

How would u even know when u only see him monthly lol

[Asker]

By stalking his family posting the engagement announcement

[boggboss]

So he will post up if he sees her and u know that for a fact

[In_Trance]

This is ridiculous

[Asker]

I know 🙃I’m trying to put myself in his shoes his dad vanished years ago in war his mums stuck in another country he’s only just been reunited with some siblings n stuck with his uncle n forced to work 6 days a week running a business n aside that doing driving lessons and meeting with me… just don’t know if I’m being mugged off Ik Islam is different and can’t spend time with a woman before marriage so he’s already sinning spending time with me 😵‍💫