My boyfriend says being angry or pissed off isn’t a choice, I beg to differ. Who is right?

[Anonymous]

So if I do or say something that annoys my boyfriend he says that I made him angry so it’s my fault he gets angry. Where as i don’t believe I have control over his emotions, that’s on him. I don’t mean cheating or lying to him, I’m talking about small things.

And he also says when he is mad he can’t just stop being angry, he is extremely slow to get over being angry. I think being angry is a choice. I believe I’m right, he believes he’s right.

[Alli39]

The emotion itself is not a choice, how you express and manage that emotion is almost entirely a choice. (The exceptions being like, involuntary reactions due to mental health issues, etc)

If your dude has anger issues, I think you should start by learning about the issue from a psychological perspective and set boundaries between you guys to make sure he's not taking anything out on you. But if he's allowing normal or small conflicts to affect you guy's relationship for weeks, I'm going to very loosely suggest that there may be elements of emotional abuse in there. I don't know that to be true. People are very different after all. But taking a resolvable conflict and extending it over a long period of time isn't healthy, and often indicates some underlying attempts to control or punish the other person. Again, unhealthy.

[marrk]

I agree with you and @EmmaMary

maybe initial base feelings are not a choice, but it’s how you deal with them that matter. You can’t blame your emotions on others. In fact, if you do, then you’re admitting you have no self-control. What a way to live if you think about it :(

This doesn’t sound healthy for you chica. Be careful.🩷

He needs therapy and God.

[marrk]

Thank you for MHO

[ProbablyClueless]

An emotional reaction is not a choice. A person who wakes up angry day in and day out for years on end is making a choice to hold onto their anger, but the mere act of getting angry is not a choice.

[slatyb]

I believe you need to get away from him as he is falling to talk responsibiliy for his behavior.. The next step after 'you made me angry" is "you made me hit you'.

[jahaims]

Being angry or not is not a choice. It is a human response. How you express and control your anger however you can control. Without out more details it is hard to give an opinion. If you keep doing the same thing over and over after you guys talked about it then I can see his point. If you are having to walk around on eggshells to not set him off and have him blame you then he is obviously immature.

[EmmaMary]

Sounds like he needs to get some anger management therapy.

[Asker]

Like he’s not always angry but he does blame me for getting him angry which I don’t believe I make someone angry , that’s their choice

[EmmaMary]

It might just be the way that you say or put things over, and the tone of your voice.

Hiwever it's certainly down to them in learning how to control their anger.

[EmmaMary]

Is this not one of your earlier questions?

Boyfriend has been mad at me for almost 3 weeks, help? ↗

[barn_stormer]

you're a dumbass

[Asker]

I’m definitely not, you can’t blame someone else for making you angry , being angry is a choice

[marrk]

No, she isn’t. Quit trolling