Boyfriend has been mad at me for almost 3 weeks, help?

[Anonymous]

We had a fight almost 3 weeks ago, it wasn’t a major fight. He is still mad and when he gets mad it takes him weeks to get over it. He says we are slowly getting back to normal but still not completely and he needs time.

This is bothering me because we have a vacation in 4 days and it’s also my birthday soon. Is it wrong of me to want him to just get over this for the sake of our vacation and my birthday? I’ve explained I don’t want to go if he is still mad at me, he says I have to go.

[AmandaYVR]

"I don’t think I am minimising it but maybe you can give me perspective. So the argument basically I put my foot in my mouth with his mom while we were all talking. His sister is going travelling alone soon and we were talking about it and I said she should be careful, people get murdered travelling alone. And it was one of those moments where you know straight away you probably shouldn’t have said it and it’s too late by that point. I wasn’t really thinking. That was it so it’s not serious to me but obviously to him it is. But I mean he did say he is slowly getting back to normal with me but it’s still gonna take a few weeks. So am I unreasonable or is he? Now I do have a tendency to speak before I think sometimes."

I'm surprised you didn't include this in your original post. It's relevant.

While I don't want to stir the pot here and create even more discord between you and your boyfriend, it's he who is the problem here. You said you sometimes speak before thinking, and you let this comment about the danger come out in a blunt way—yes, you did. But that is your only misstep here. And it is not something for your boyfriend to make this big a deal out of. Most people would let this slide. Especially as you have apologized and do genuinely feel bad for upsetting anyone. But he should not be still angry about this. Yes, he should absolutely put this behind you both, and go and have a nice vacation together. How you get him to do that, I don't know, but perhaps you could read him some of the responses here. Sometimes crowd sourcing really is a good thing.

[Asker]

I read him all of the responses here and he doesn’t agree with them. He says he has a right to be angry and I’m the problem for saying it in the first place. And also I’m the reason he can’t get over being angry too. I did say everyone here can’t be wrong but he doesn’t agree, he thinks he is right and I’m the problem. I practically begged him to just forget it and he just said I’m always causing “shit” and that’s not okay. Where I go from here I do not know..

[Asker]

And said the vacation being ruined is my fault also

[AmandaYVR]

I read through all comments and your replies here.

I read out your one one paragraph describing what you said that angered your boyfriend, to my husband and here's what he said:
"This guy is gaslighting her.
And manipulating her.
That's not something to be mad about."

The guys who disagreed with you on here, I think, did because you did not describe what it is you said that made your boyfriend mad. The details matter. (Note to self for next time!) Maybe they are fed up with women and want to defend their bro, even though they don't know anything about the details. Lots of people just comment and don't bother to read any of the asker's replies which give more details.
Or maybe they're not fed up with women but think that guys' feelings matter less, are not factored in, in relationships, which is absolutely not true.

msc545 is the most qualified person here to answer this, by the way. His comment is a guess, but you should probably consider it.
Your boyfriend may not have someone on the side, of have someone else in mind to replace you, but he could be using this as an excuse to justify ending the relationship and using this as an excuse. Although you haven't said he wants to break up.

Lording a minor mistake over a partner is one or all of the following:
Unkind
Unforgiving
Immature
Emotionally unhealthy
A way to maintain control over the other person
Manipulative
Overly sensitive

[AmandaYVR]

I don't know what his issue (s) are, but any of those things in that list are not good. I often say that people today are intolerant, and are too quick to label others as something derogatory (it could be called using 'therapyspeak', ex: narcissist), but in this case, it's not you who is. It's him. You say he's stubborn. That's sort of the umbrella, but what is underneath that, what is he stubborn about specifically? (You don't need to answer that, this is for you to think about.) Maybe he's protecting his sensitivity. Maybe he doesn't forgive people (as I said - for MINOR mistakes, missteps), and then says everyone in the world is stupid, bad, wrong, etc. He's got a perfectly reasonable girlfriend here, and he's going to lose her, and every other reasonable person in his life or his future, because he refuses to get over things.

You do have a right to be mad at him, too. And I bet you can come up with quite a list of things he's done, mistakes, things he said bluntly, that you got over, that you didn't lord over him for weeks. Right? Maybe it's time to start making up that list. Two can play this way.

[ShesRad80]

your heart was in the right place, just the words came out wrong. seems silly to be mad about this for 3 weeks? its a bit much in my opinion, but i would say ask him to talk and see what happens

[Miristheiss]

If something were going to upset me for 3 weeks... it would probably be something big and something I take very seriously... meaning it is probably something worthy breaking up over.

I'd never stay mad for a month... I would have just broken up. If she is crossing my boundaries that badly or betraying me that horribly I'd just break up and I'd instantly be at peace. Why torture yourself for a month?

You say it wasn't anything major. Either you are minimizing it and it is very major in that case he should just dump you or it really is minor and he is just nuts. In that case you may want to think about dumping him.

What is the issue about? What is the topic of your argument?

[Asker]

I don’t think I am minimising it but maybe you can give me perspective. So the argument basically I put my foot in my mouth with his mom while we were all talking. His sister is going travelling alone soon and we were talking about it and I said she should be careful, people get murdered travelling alone. And it was one of those moments where you know straight away you probably shouldn’t have said it and it’s too late by that point. I wasn’t really thinking. That was it so it’s not serious to me but obviously to him it is. But I mean he did say he is slowly getting back to normal with me but it’s still gonna take a few weeks. So am I unreasonable or is he? Now I do have a tendency to speak before I think sometimes.

[Asker]

He specifically said he doesn’t want to break up with me either because he loves me but if he didn’t love me he would end it

[Miristheiss]

I see ZERO reason to be mad about anything. You told her to be safe. So what?
I can see the angle that if you said it around the mom you might be making it easier for the mom to be worried. She is probably already worried and you talking about her daughter getting murdered may make her worry more. There is nothing wrong with telling the sister to be careful and warning her... you may just want to do it when the mom cannot hear you.
Why he'd be mad about that I can't even imagine.
For him to be upset for 3 weeks, I find that incredible.

[Asker]

Yeah that was the angle that they’re already worried about her so it’s insensitive to say that. Even his mom has forgotten about it like she never seemed mad at me even if she was. I even asked my own family and friends and they said okay it was stupid thing to say but don’t beat yourself up, it’s not a big deal. I’m not sure what to do but he doesn’t seem to be able to let of being angry like when I ask him about it he says he wants to move on but can’t because he’s still pissy about it

[AndLikeThatHesGone]

I don't know what the fight was about, but if it really wasn't a major fight, and the only reason he's mad is that it takes him WEEKS to get over a not very serious disagreement, and now he's telling you that you HAVE to go on a vacation you don't want to on, when his bad behavior is the reason you don't want to go... I mean, maybe you should just break up with this guys.

He sounds like an abusive, manipulative, emotionally immature a**hole, no offense.

I guess he has some good qualities, but it really does seem like you'd be better off without him.

[Asker]

Can you explain why it’s abusive or manipulative? I know he’s stubborn

[AndLikeThatHesGone]

Because he's putting YOU in charge of how he feels. If he has a problem with something you said or did, he could tell you about it, and you could apologize, or fix it, or explain why you did it. Instead, he just spends weeks sulking, and lets you stew over it the whole time, hoping he'll get over it, asking him, "Are you over it? Are you still upset? Isn't there ANYTHING I can do?"

He's probably enjoying this. He enjoys having your life revolve around him and his moods.

Does that make sense?

[Asker]

Yes he is. That makes total sense. I’ve told him I don’t control his emotions so it’s up to him to get over being angry. I can’t make him get over being angry but he seems to think I should. He does want me to do something to make it up to him but doesn’t know what it is and when I do or suggest stuff he doesn’t think they will help. It’s infuriating. And he said to me today he wishes he could be excited for our vacation. Excuse me? You can be all you have to do is move on from the fight! He says it’s so hard to get over being angry and he can’t help it. Am I wrong I’m thinking this is crazy. Honestly I’m now getting angry at him

[Asker]

Maybe I should get angry at him and spend weeks slowly “trying” to get over it.

[AndLikeThatHesGone]

He doesn't want to get over being angry. He's having too much fun watching you try and try and try to make things right.

Don't get angry and spend weeks trying to get over it. Just end things with him. I mean, I've never met either of you, but if you're describing things the way they actually happened, you'll be better off without this guy.

This will probably ruin your vacation. But small price to pay for getting this guy out of your life.

[AndLikeThatHesGone]

Is he still mad at you? just curious.

[zeitgeist057]

"he says I have to go." <--- that's BS. You don't have to go, any more than he has to stop being mad. Neither of you has to do anything that the other person wants.

I'd just call it quits honestly, but I am not interested in playing stupid games with people who can't move on after having a sufficient amount of time to get their head on straight. If someone is still mad at me after more than a week and we've talked about it, then they have some bigger issues to work out and I'm not going to be their punching bag for unresolved issues.

I certainly wouldn't go on vacation with this person.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Is He Your Boyfriend Or Warden?

Your boyfriend has been mad at you for three weeks & when it comes to vacation he says you have to go? You better listen to The Warden, start packing your bags!

[CaptainOverthink]

I've read though the comments for info and as I see it. Dump this guy, he seems toxic. I rarely advice dumping as it's commonly just too quick and simple of a solution but this seem a highly onesided problem, his problem.

Is he overthinking the issue and wallowing or does he just have no outlet for his emotions whatsoever (physical activities)?
Brooding is one thing but brooding to the point where it makes his partner miserable or insecure.. he need to work on this.. or get gone.

[magiusX26]

part of why his recovery from that may be from it beong brought up again and again. not saying you have been but i do know of a lot of people that do bring such up over and over, often to see if still upset. thing is that there is often a subtext of trying to force the healing to be on the one bringing it up again's timing instead of the one in recovery's timing. guess which timing matters most of those 2 choices.

[BoopBoopBeep]

It's not true that "it's not a major fight" AND it was 3 weeks ago and he's still mad at you.

[Asker]

Read my replies to other comments, I described the fight so you can decide if it’s major or not but pretty much everyone has told me it’s not a major deal.

[Asker]

So everyone can’t be wrong?

[BoopBoopBeep]

What are you talking about? Nearly every guy that's responded has said it's a big deal. Various types of big deal (either he's toxic or the fight was big and you're mimizing it) but literally no man has said it's not a big deal.

[sheikalana]

I think the best you can do right now is do not talk about it anymore the more you talk about it the more you will annoy him. He'll get over it and you'll have a great vacation together.

[Subflics]

I think address it after the vacation not forget about it completely

[sheikalana]

@Subflics sounds fair.

[Asker]

I’d prefer to fix it before then. I’d rather not go on vacation with awkward tension between us

[sheikalana]

You already know the answer inside of you. You don't need us to tell you what to do. Good luck.

[slatyb]

You don't have to go. Are you living together? His behavior is intolerable and controlling. Where's the love? What are you getting out of this relationship?

[sheenagwapa]

3 weeks? that's so funny. but dince he said going back to notmal maybe that's a sign of mental issues that he is hidinh

[tzdc21]

Well it depends on what you were arguing about. And just because YOU don't deem is as a big deal, doesn't automatically mean that's the same for HIM.

[Chevy1_kb]

I love this film Josh is so gorgeous why is he mad at you

[Reem12345reem]

maybe he's cheating within these "getting over it" weeks? 👽

[Asker]

No we live together and he’s home all the time

[Stoner710]

Just have sex with him and he’ll get over it guys aren’t hard to please

[serious_miss419]

Sounds like he is punishing you. The guy needs to open up and heal his wounds or confess.

[Asker]

He says he’s not punishing me it’s just not easy to move on. He doesn’t forget things easy

[Anonymous]

You have to submit and respect your man. You lucky he didn't break up with you. Talking back to your man like that is disrespectful. You have to honor your man through thick and thin.

[Twalli]

It wasn't a big deal to you, it might have been to him. So you can want him to get over it, but you can't force him to.

[msc545]

I think he is seeing someone else or wants to, and is sending you on vacation alone to make it easier for him to do that.

[Anonymous]

No, it's not wrong of you for wanting him to get over it. But nonetheless you don't get to say when he gets over something.

[SolitarySolace]

Break up. He has reason to be mad.

[KrakenAttackin]

How about you stop pissing him off?