How does one conduct dating when truly searching for long and long lasting relationship?

[Anonymous]

Someone taught me to want the best for myself. And if I'm honest, to love someone and wish to be with them for as long as possible is the most desired thing and most possibly rewarding thing besides having kids that a person can experience.

I have learned a lot from dating. I learned that it sucks and people are crazy. Everyone I know has insane stories.

But nobody I know dates explicitly looking for love. Explicitly comparing values.

And then what happens when you fall in love with someone whose values are unbearable?

What even is love? I feel like it's more likely to fall in love with someone who is ultimately barely tolerable, than to fall in love with someone whose values fit perfectly with your own.

So I just don't know what to do or think. I don't know how to even go about expressing what I am looking for in the first place.

[DaveJord]

OH, I got insane stories, lots of my funniest stories are dating stories!!! No doubt, crazy shit!!!

I have to challenge on of your points though, you say; "But nobody I know dates explicitly looking for love." then you say, "what happens when you fall in love with someone whose values are unbearable?"

I disagree with this, I always date looking of love. And secondly, I never fall in love with someone who's values are unbearable. I don't even know if that is possible for me.

Now you do do say that I 100% can relate to is this, "I just don't know what to do or think. I don't know how to even go about expressing what I am looking for in the first place."

What is love? Now that's a good question, that has different meaning for everyone. I don't think I agree, having too much in common can be a turn off, as much as too little. But even then, as long as the chemistry and vibe are right, how much do you have to have in common? I mean chemistry and vibe is far more important to me then common interests.

I don't even know how to express that either, because you do not want to discourage people from connecting you with you, because when comes to love, you never really know when or where it will happen for you, or on what level honestly.

I run into this a lot, because most women these days want to date for love, and they want long term committed relationships. But yes, that a goal. Yes, I want those things to, but there a lot of things that have to happen and take place to get to that point with someone. Woman also want honest, sincere and genuine men... well no man can say from the go that he wants a long term committed relationship with someone on the first date. So how to connect withs someone that does want to serial date, and they only want commitment right away and up front? It takes time to see if that is possible, so how much time are you willing to give a person to figure that out with you?

I don't like serial dating, I want to find that someone special, but after dozen attempts and failures, does that make a serial dater who is scared of commitment? I do not think so, I think it makes me a lonely heart, looking for love, and it takes times and a lot of effort... I keep dating because I still believe it is out there and I will find.

[Asker]

Thanks for the great comment! So now I can consolidate my thoughts a little better.

I feel like love is blind. But at the same time, we recognize that we have to align our values as partners or else long term things won't work out.

So it's a matter of finding someone who sparks that love in you, and also whose values are compatible.

And then there is the dating process. And how long until you know you should get married or have kids?

I don't know how long. I guess that's probably why most people just do it all by accident.

But I don't want that. I don't want to accidentally be stuck with someone that I don't want to be with long term because we had a kid or something.

I just feel like the ideal situation is one where you're conscious about things. At the same time love is unconscious and it just happens to you sometimes.

It's hard to bring those two seemingly opposite things together.

[DaveJord]

You said, "I don't want that. I don't want to accidentally be stuck with someone... "

This is because, I think, that your values as a person, align to your believe in love. We can say things like, "love is blind". On many levels yes, it's true... but! Is it really and truly? Not in the beginning any way, your looking for specific qualities in someone or within a relationship together with love. You're not blind, but love might be.

If you believe love is blind then your looking for a soul mate. Sometimes soul mates are made more then found. Because if your soul mates, you're both working just as hard to fine each other.

Dating is the work! Sometimes you just have to do the work, to get one step closer to finding that person.

So no matter what your moral conflict is today. Don't give up hope. Nothing tests a person's faith in themselves more, then dating.

[EricSummer]

Most women and lots of guys are looking for a long-lasting relationship and - shall we say it - for love. Your situation is not exceptional there.

In online dating, guys who are looking for casual sex abound, but that's logical: Even if they are successful they will be there again the next week. A guy looking for long-term love will be off the market for 15 years on average and maybe for life

It's best to get to know each other slowly. Do not allow yourself to fall in love with a guy who does not deserve it. Some discipline with your thoughts and feelings is required. The Western ideal of meeting someone by accident and "falling in love" passively is anyway nonsense. You can always choose and have control.

Best meet the guy among people of similar values. This can be you religious community, for example. Shared hobbies are at least a starting point, too. The best may be people you know via shared friends or relatives. You can meet them at private parties or going out as a mixed group.

[Avicenna]

Be patient and really get to know someone as best you can

[madhatters4]

i think when you are searching for long term relationships you have to try and separate physical feelings from platonic connections. developing the non-sexual part of the relationship is key. learning about the person and how your chemistry works in this space is so important. you want to learn as much about the person and have them learn as much about you as possible. of course physical connections will occur during this stage but i do think trying to stay away from the physical is important. physical connections can in my opinion really sway decisions

[slatyb]

What to do? See if your date shares your goals. The first date is not to soon to ask questions like "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Then drop people who don't share your goals. Don't be quick to enter an exclusive relationship. Meeting more prospects give you the information you need to make a good choice.

[DarkWinterNights]

We’ve created a society so diverse that we're incompatible with each-other. Most of my guy friends in their 30’s only date for long term, just haven’t met any other in years.

[Danny_dan92]

Go with the flow.




Be transparent on your intentions and what you’re looking for.




Go with the flow while paying attention to the actions more than their words

[KrakenAttackin]

Having a roster and riding the cock carousel is NOT the answer.

[Christoff92]

Understanding that person that he/she falls in love with mindset.

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to the doomsayers on here would be a good start.

[In_Trance]

Do it your way, not everyone else's, for starters