Why is a woman more attracted to you when you show interest in her friend instead of her?

[guyguy97]

[EricSummer]

This is too specific to be generally true.

In general, it is a good idea to flirt with two friends for different reasons. They are going to feel more comfortable and less threatened, they wonder which one you prefer and this can get a bit competitive netween them (explaining what you observed), and there is a chance that at last one of them is interested.

It may seem that it's always the one that you do not want, but I think that's just a coincidence. It is not sensible to show more interest to the other or any such games.

[Rei13]

It plays into one's view of self. You want to be the prettiest, smartest, most interesting person there. And while in some cases I have wanted a guy to look at me and not my friend, I actually really like that my significant other has only shown interest in me and not my friends. Which has honestly held true in my previous relationships as well. I don’t want to feel like I am in competition with those closest to me. There are guys that overlap with me and my friends, but the ones that I have dated were the ones that I liked that did not overlap

[Screenwriter]

These kind of people are the type who like to pursue a person as a challenge. If he wants someone else, I want him... I don't think this is either common or normal. It seems perverse to me.

I'm interested in a man who's interested in me. My friend is nothing like me, so why would I think a man would be interested in me who's pursuing my friend? Makes no sense.

[Luopio27]

Amen sistah (like black people say it at chirch with the whatever intruments crowning the words)

[blueonblack22]

You should already know the answer: jealousy and challenge. It’s also for the same stupid reason many women feel attracted to (and sometimes pursue) taken men.

I think this is biological to a limited extent. Women assume a taken is of “higher value”. But that’s not always the case.

[Screenwriter]

I can understand what you're saying, but I can't relate. If not interested in me, not worth my time. High value male is one who's interested in me, cause I think I'm a prize! That kind of woman is a dog chasing her tale. Dizzy.

[blueonblack22]

@Screenwriter well I’ll never say “all” women are like this. But just in my past experiences it’s usually the women I felt so so or on the fence about that really liked me the most. I wasn’t mean to them but I didn’t care to bend over backwards for them either.

I’ve rarely seen women fall in love with guys who treat them like the “prize”. That happens in movies but not in real life.

[blueonblack22]

@Screenwriter just saw you are from a different generation.

From my conversations/observations women in your generation had a greater respect for chivalry. In principle that was the right way to go. People got married much younger in the older generations. A woman would generally want to date a man who showed her kindness and respect because she has the long term in mind.

But something started changing in the 90s and definitely in the 2000s with all of that. Many modern women see chivalry as weakness in men unfortunately. When a young man gets taken advantage for that (especially if it happens more than once) he will get jaded at some point. Chivalry is not an infinite resource.

[Screenwriter]

Not concerned with "chivalry" that is about putting women on pedastals... When I say I'm a prize, I simply mean I'm a great person. Courage, honor, justice and defense of the weak are as important qualities for women to espouse as they are for men. I didn't get married until I was 27.

None of those qualities are about weakness and if someone thinks they are, they are mistaken. To have courage, honor, respect and care for those with far less than you requires nothing BUT strength. To have ethics requires the same.

I tell my 27 year old son that he needs to seek women who are bringing something to the table. Not just pretty faces. He keeps dating 21 year olds. He'll be 28 this year. I keep urging him to choose women near his age who have their goals and plans solidified instead of ingenues.

If he becomes jaded, it has a lot to do with the youth of the girls, and I mean girls, he chooses. He's been burned twice by TWO 21 year olds. Once at 24, once at 26, now he picks another one?

And this isn't ONLY about women either. Men see ethical qualities as "weak," in the competition for primacy: being first in business, athletics, with women, in power.

[blueonblack22]

@Screenwriter it’s possible your son is having a harder time getting dates with women close to his age because they are looking for money and stability with an older man in his 30s.

And I stick to what I said earlier about society changing (and not for the better) thanks to feminism. Different ball game vs how dating was for you and your husband 35 years ago.

Now that doesn’t give guys an excuse to give up but there really is a general negative attitude that many young women have toward men today. Definitely more inflated standards because social media has impacted what they think they are entitled to.

So please don’t compare your husband’s and your own dating experiences as apples to apples for what your son has to deal with nowadays. He really is facing new challenges considering what our society has become. I know my own parents were completely oblivious to this for a very long time. They always fall back and assume things are the same way nowadays as it was for them when it comes dating. Far from it.

[Screenwriter]

Oh, I KNOW it's a different ball game. I married a younger man with nothing, helped support him as he finished his education and put up some seriously stupid shit from him for 17 years. It happens on your first go round, often I think.

And yes, I agree completely about the social media STIGMA against men and all this "high-value" established male crap. It is maddening!

However, don't blame it on feminism. Feminism is about women being INDEPENDENT and about a couple being INTERDEPENDENT. It's not about goal digging and buying your financial security THROUGH a man who already has his by using your body and ability to pop out babies to assure him having offspring, his legacy/name.

It's not about sitting on your ass and being KEPT by a wealthy, older man. This is what I fear for him. With a woman who recognizes that he's pursuing his goals in the music industry through being an audio tech, and who is pursuing her own goals, and who is less concerned about the dollar bills in his pocket: who might be able to give him some support for a few years while he makes a name for himself... Who is looking in the same direction as he is, but is willing to wait for his success while she also pursues hers... THAT's who I'm hoping he meets.

I don't think the age of these women means he'll find that, and internet dating is the least way to find these people. If it's a right-now person, OK. I can handle that. But I hope he has his eyes on the prize. I talk to him about this. But you know young men-- don't want to hear anything from their mothers. And his father is a lost cause about any verbal interaction. So I'm double parenting, whether I like it or not!

[blueonblack22]

@Screenwriter again I’m not giving men a cop out. But about your comment: “ However, don't blame it on feminism. Feminism is about women being INDEPENDENT and about a couple being INTERDEPENDENT. ”

Feminism has achieved its original goals of giving women an equal OPPORTUNITY in the work force and society. But the feminism today is nothing like what you are raised with. It calls itself “feminism” as a bs euphemism but it’s really about supremacy.

It’s about “equity” which is about using two wrongs to make a right. This includes women taking advantage of men in dating scenarios for short term benefits (but in the long run they make themselves miserable but that’s another story). Modern feminism encourages women to disrespect men. Indulge toxic femininity. Then men experienced this they get jaded and either turn to toxic masculinity (Andrew Tate role models) OR they just give up completely. Not saying it’s something neither of us can resolve. But this is the trend I’m observing.

I won’t go down the rabbit hole here. But understand there are challenges he’s facing that you won’t be able to understand or even help him with. But encourage him to be make the most of himself first. Encourage him to get his validation out of life not women. While it’s no guarantee that will make him more attractive to other women. Having a purpose and a drive.

[Screenwriter]

I do understand the challenges. I can only support him in working around them and being true to himself. I am not encouraging to seek validation THROUGH a woman. He has to validate himself and feel satisfied in himself.

i think a real grounded woman will see the good in him. He's a genuine person. Very loving. Has very good male friends, which I think speaks volumes of who he is. He is concerned about his friends. He's pursuing his passions. He has drive and a purpose. Knows how to have fun. My cousin and I take him fishing. I take him out to dinner and feed him on and off.

I love to talk to him. I give him small gifts that are always little things that help him take care of himself. Nice body wash. Cologne. Things to treat himself with. A thrift store shirt I know he'll like for $4. He always dresses well. I'm going to finish some summer PJs for him that I already made a pair for myself. Top and shorts.

I hope for him the best, and for a woman who'll treat him as lovingly as his mom and sees his value isn't in $$$$$. He's funny and sweet and a hustler. Just like me!

[blueonblack22]

@Screenwriter that’s really good to hear above.

I was the oldest in my family and my mother was born a beautiful woman. I love her but the truth is she had never had the greatest personality because she never HAD to develop one given my dad enabled her for her entire adult life.

But what angered and screwed me up the most was how she got on me about single for years. Like the choice to be single or in a relationship (with my female equivalent more or less) was as easy as hitting a “light switch” or something. Far from it.

She has gotten positive attention from men all her life. Never once in her life had to deal with romantic rejection and risk taking. My dad and her relationship was a horrible example for me growing up. Because my dad almost always caved into her demands and gave her a pass on her often unacceptable behavior (she created unnecessary drama with him all the time)

I don’t think you are like that. But just realize if you had a daughter who was exactly like your son (looks, intelligence, IQ, drive, etc) she most likely have far fewer problems getting dates. She might have trouble finding the perfect relationship but again she would have MORE options. That is a built on and often huge unacknowledged privilege women have in society. Something feminism has always conveniently glossed over and overlooked.

[Screenwriter]

Well this is the reverse sexism of the dating system. Attractive women don't have to make money and are pampered because they are attractive. They get passes. They don't have to ask men out. That system is also still in place. They have more options in that sense. I wish there was less of this. Feminism, first gen fem, doesn't support this discrepancy either. I acknowledge that this is a privilege in a sense, but it's based on shifting sands: the inequity of the situation. Men want trophies. Women want providers. Until both want skilled and multi talented PARTNERS, the system cheats both.

[blueonblack22]

@Screenwriter yes but it has and still is on men to approach women. It’s a sign of “confidence” and masculinity but it’s also a risk for men. It’s a risk most men don’t enjoy taking but HAVE to take because if we wait to be approach chances are we will stay forever single.

Women need to do a better job respecting the position men have been placed into here. Especially with what #metoo did to society many men are even more paranoid about taking risks.

But women have been slow to pick up the slack here. There is a growing minority of women who do approach men but they are still a minority. At best they are worried about being taking advantage of for sex (which is a legitimate reason and it’s something men need improve upon) but most women rather indulge in laziness/cowardice tbh. They are more afraid of rejection then men. They aren’t used to it. They don’t want to stick their necks out.

Also I see your point about attractive women. But I am really talking about the comparison where most young men and women fall into: semi-attractive. You take a semi-attractive woman and semi-attractive man and everything about them is equal (intelligence, status, personality, education, etc) the woman will ALWAYS have an advantage over the man when it comes to dating. Especially in the early stages. She will have more options then her male counterpart. This is because women are intrinsically valued for just existing. Not the case for men. We are NOT valued for just existing. Especially nowadays. We are only valued for our AGENCY. What value we can provide.

[blueonblack22]

So this all boils down to how to best assist your son. He might not be special to other women for just being a man but he IS special to you. Encourage him to do his best. Tell him he is loved. If he runs into future dating frustrations then first here him out and give your love/support. THEN offer constructive criticism from a female POV.

My mother always assumed that when a girl burned me it was because it was my fault. She immediately sympathized with the other girl because that was easy for her to relate to. It took too much mental effort for her to consider my POV given I’m a man. Right or wrong that was NOT the right way to handle it. Not saying you are like that but just saying put your son’s feeling first and then bring up the female POV.

[Screenwriter]

Always have listened to his feelings about whatever went on. Have never blamed him unless he's done something egregious as he has done in two cases: went through a girlfriend's phone w/o permission and told a woman what she needed to do, as if he was her father and she was stupid (she actually was, though). However, wrong in both cases. The phone thing is my TIPTOP BEEF and invasion of privacy. Otherwise, he's pretty sane and solid. Has told me he went out with a completely crazy woman because she had a great butt. I had to hold back my laughter. THEN, she told him there were "lizard people in the center of the earth." Which I told him was a joke she made up to break up with him. He said, no. She really believed this. Other people from his high school knew her back when. Some bizarre conspiracy theory she actually subscribed to! I was stunned. Had never heard of this. Big butt and all, she was a fail. I felt truly sorry for him! Sigh. What a minefield!

Poor man! Kisses to you, though. For his 28th, I hope to buy him a good set of knives. He likes to cook.

[Pinay_ako]

It’s called they know what they lost and they want what they could’ve had 🤣. The one that got away. As long as you’re serious into her friend, she will chase you! She had her chance. Bye ✌️

[UnWokeDude_OrNot]

Interesting and insightful! So if anybody wants a particular girl, does that mean, that the guy should pretend to be genuinely focused on her friend?

And what if the girls' friends really end up falling for the guy then?

[ManOnFire]

Is that true? It always seems to be that they get terribly jealous if you show interest in her friend and not her.

[Peter_Penetrator]

Competition. You never know how jealous a woman can be towards their best friend.


Some women have been known to “poach” their best friends man.


Sometimes, when you ask a woman for their phone number, they may suggest you ask their friend instead. Then while you date their friend, the one you are most interested in, will hear all the good and bad about you.


If she hears enough good about you, she will eventually “poach” you.

[MementoMori777]

I've noticed this behavior when you show interest in her first then try to move on to another woman, i guess maybe it's the dissatisfaction of you losing interest in them, which to be fair the dissatisfaction of someone losing interest in you is for everyone, some choose to act different than others tho and some of those results is what you mentioned above, they start chasing.

[MrKinktastic]

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever noticed this happening. Usually it’s more like you notice they’re interested because they realize they’re competing with their friend and take bigger risks to make sure you notice.

[Sarahr123]

Because lack of availability incites interest in people. It’s natural to want what we can’t have. It’s the principle of the forbidden fruit. We all think that what’s forbidden tastes the sweetest.

[jahaims]

Absolute statements are rarely accurate

[Anonymous]

One simple word - Competition -

If you are met two women while out and one started to show an interest/flirt in you the other will start doing the same thing, women will compete with each other over any man that one sees as a viable mate/partner I've seen it happen time and again over the 40 years of my dating life.

[Mybeachlife8888]

Because most women want what they can’t have. I don’t blame them either…. When you have people throwing themselves at you you’re entire life, it’s exciting to want the one that isn’t throwing themself at you. It’s as simple as that.

[_puzaa_]

This cannot be true. I actually get turned off by guys who even add my friends when the guys and I are in the talking stage. I feel like its a being man-whore act. I actually stopped talking to one of the guys who would follow my friends and like their pictures. So not all but I guess some because they like the competition. I do not know

[Nikki1989]

And what evidence can you show to prove that any of this is real?

[guyguy97]

It’s happened to me twice I’ll flirt with a girl see she’s not Interested then I flirt with her frowns then she all the sudden likes me

[guyguy97]

Friend not frowns spell mistake

[serious]

That is a manipulative mind game that men play which isn't healthy.

[inhua]

reverse principle of preselection I suppose

[sheikalana]

A lot of women are just jealous of each other and want what others have.

[Mybeachlife8888]

I agree with this so much. It’s on a subconscious level sometimes too. I think the women who have men throw themselves at them are also somehow at a disadvantage too because it’s not special when a really nice guy comes along.

[ceren27]

And what evidence can you show to prove that any of this is real?

[Minahh]

If I'd see that he's interested in my friend instant attractiveness drop "Go be with her then bye"

[rachel776]

oh yes, i tell guys to do this all the time

[Anonymous]

That’s weird I never done that

[peedy]

The world mst never know

[sheenagwapa]

i don't

[Anonymous]

Reverse psychology

[Anonymous]

jealousy?