It seems like my ex didn't get attatched or crave my?

[Sweetsurprize]

presence, my vagina, my present and future with me, our future children, my voice, etc.

Why is he so cruel like that?

He was my hope at a family (especially at my age).

Why was he so SELFISH like that? ? !

[msc545]

I don't think he appreciated you sufficiently. He probably doesn't appreciate himself either.

[love_conquers_lust]

He flaked.

[Sweetsurprize]

Funny. He said he didn't like flakers.

[love_conquers_lust]

Bittersurprise.

[Sweetsurprize]

Yeah true. I wonder how they would feel if they actually FELL for someone hard core, wanted to marry them, and actually DID marry them, and had children with them, and THEY turned out to betray them in the cruelest and nastiest way possible!

Same with you, how would YOU handle it? Not so great I bet.

[caring__1]

Unfortunately, those we're drawn to aren't necessarily drawn to us. Just look at all the guys you overlooked who may have thought you were perfect for them. If there isn't mutual attraction, pass on the opportunity, no matter how great he appears to you. The preferences of others are as unlikely to change as your preferences, and people are unlikely to make long-term change, unless it is self-motivated.

This was about preferences, not being cruel. Don't judge others for having different preferences than us. For every type of person, there are people who are drawn to that type of person. Choose a partner who truly sees value in what you bring to the relationship.

[Sweetsurprize]

We dated five months. Talking and texting everyday. Even seeing each other once a week. Don't tell about prefrences. If it was just 'preferences' he would've ousted me at first date if not after one or two. We even talked marriage, children and moving in together (but I preferred getting married first). Talk about leading someone on!

[Sweetsurprize]

[Unfortunately, those we're drawn to aren't necessarily drawn to us. Just look at all the guys you overlooked who may have thought you were perfect for them] Unfortunately, in my youth, not a lot of guys I met were "ready" for that serious commitment stuff like I was looking for.

[caring__1]

It's either that he was being deceptive to meet his own agenda, or he discovered something over time he didn't anticipate finding, and it was a red flag for him. Deception isn't uncommon for both men and women. It would be nice if people were clear, open and honest from the start, but that often isn't the case anymore. That doesn't mean they are necessarily lying... just withholding pertinent facts. Sometimes, people have a timetable they keep in their head. Without sharing that timetable, if the time expires without getting what they want, they throw in the towel. It's unfortunate that guys will talk about marriage, family and living together just to loosen girls up and get in their pants more quickly.

[Ozanne]

Since you're 39, be glad he only took five months away and not more. He likely didn't get involved thinking you'd get your hopes up, and maybe he also thought there was potential, but thankfully this didn't drag out into your 40s.

There could be a lot of reasons if he didn't already give them to you. Maybe he wasn't ready for such commitments like marriage and a family, knowing it meant a lot to you at this stage in your life. Maybe he realized after five months there are things about you both that weren't clicking. Whatever the case, he did you a favour by leaving because obviously he wasn't the one. It hurts now of course, but you should know at 39 that break ups happen, they hurt, and a lot of times they seem unfair.

[Sweetsurprize]

Yup. Really unfair. Other than his weight issue, I truly thought he had the most compatibility with me out of all the people I've been with in the past. I guess he didn't think the same! I was definitely frustrated when it ended and saddened but yeah, life goes on. The men I had been with in the past had all sorts of DEEPER red flags, like them just wanting to use me just for sex and disrespect me like that, to a homeless divorcee with a child he didn't have custody of, not to mention he had drinking, drug and anger issues, to a Mama's Boy with scoliosis! Ugh lol.

How are some younger women a lot luckier (in terms of this stuff at least) than me..

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

For some people, it's hard to make a decision, and they simply hitch along for the ride to see how it goes. He may not have had any plans or ideas about what your relationship and likely previous relationships could provide. Some people just date for the sake of dating.

[Sweetsurprize]

Hmm maybe, I never thought about people that are like that. But then, I wish people would be more honest in the begging. That way less time is wasted. Time is precious as you probably already know.

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

I think there's a Dr. Seuss quote in "oh the places you'll go" that it's hard for a mind maker upper to make up their mind

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

I think most folks would really appreciate individuals being upfront, but it doesn't seem to happen a lot

[Anonymous]

A lot more women are attracted to the men that have the most options. But having the most options mean they are probably less likely to settle down. The guys that have fewer options who are more likely the type to want to settle down, are more likely to be invisible to you, or unattractive. More women want what they desire rather than what is best for a family.

[Sweetsurprize]

Hmm, if that's the case, then why do I see even ugly people that are married with children?

And no, I don't think that applies to my case. I wouldn't call him Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise handsome, Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds or Gosling type of handsome. What really drew me in was his kindness (especially at first). And I tend to think those types of guys are arrogant anyway.

P. S. I feel like he put me in this BOX and judged/assumed all sorts of things about me and would be stubborn with that. I didn't appreciate that at all!

[BoopBoopBeep]

There's 8 billion people in the world. Most of them will never be attached to you. That's not what cruelty means.

[loveslongnails]

Have you considered that you chose the wrong guy?

[Sweetsurprize]

It's "always' the wrong guy until I guess I have the marriage license and my last name is changed to his.

And even then, if and when divorce happend, I would have MARRIED the wrong person. So yes, duh, lol, I know now it's probably Mr. Wrong, but people can MAKE themselves Mr. Wrong sadly just by how they act (no commitment), or they can make themselves Mr. Right. It's their choice and unfortunately, I'm only half the equation!

[loveslongnails]

Sorry, but the extent of "wrongness" that you described is not something that would have just suddenly surfaced. Chances are you were blinded by your hopes and dreams and didn't see this. Cruelty is not easily masked, but let's say he was good at it. Lesson learned, move on. Trying to figure out WHY he is like that is a COLLOSAL waste of time and energy, all of it yours.

[shortster]

That kind of attachment takes time to develop. How long did you date?

[Sweetsurprize]

We dated five months. We were even talking about moving in together (I didn't really want to do it before marriage but he had different ideas).

[shortster]

Oh, he seems to either have ulterior motives. Or he was trying to hurt you as much as possible after breaking up.

[Anonymous]

did he ever say he loves you did he try to do everything he could to make you happy?

[Sweetsurprize]

Unfortunately no, he did not, though he did a lot of caring actions like drive to my house frequently which was an hour away and we set up dates at least once a week give or take.

[spartan55]

Five months? You didn't even know each other.

[Sweetsurprize]

You can know someone in that time frame honestly. At least in my opinion. Sure, we didn't LIVE together (I think that would have maybe been the next step), but to talk everyday and text everyday about any topic under the sun as well as hang out at least once a week give or take, that's enough time in my opinion.

[spartan55]

So you think so even though this happened? Okaaay...

[Sweetsurprize]

Well I wouldn't say 100% yeah, now that this happend. But some people are REALLY good at acting/pretending for maybe even 1 year or more.

In your opinion then, how MUCH time does it take to know someone... I can't be ALL wrong.. And I think it really would depend, like I said, on how much time you DO spend with that person and also the context invovled.

[spartan55]

It could be 10 years, but if you never meet in person you really don't know them.
I like to call the internet 'miles wide and inches deep'.

[spartan55]

You have to spend significant time in many different situations to really know someone.

[Sweetsurprize]

@spartan55 Hi Spartan55, we did all that. It wasn't just an internet thing. I don't know what is considered 'significant' though, but we did talk/text everyday and hung out in person at least once a week, like I said, for about five months.

I think in the end, he was just a selfish loser that just truly cared about himself and not really about me (his partner), as sad as it is. He loved himself more than me. There were times we misunderstood each other, but it shouldn't have meant breaking up but I guess he had different ideas.

[James899]

Did you talked with him regarding this?

[Sweetsurprize]

Can't. He blocked me. ... I wonder if he has Superiority Complex. Some white men can have that when dating a minority (I am Asian Filipina).

However, why do I see a lot of Asian women met, marry and have CHILDREN with white men, so I don't know if that's truly part of it.

[James899]

He is so mean and selfish. I guess!

[Sweetsurprize]

True. I've been realizing that ever since the break-up. You think you know someone lol. Oh well. I'll try and live my life as happy still and I still have my goals before I ultimately go up lol. Thank you for your kindness. It's self-courage that's propelling me into the future right now. ... It's very TEMPTING to have trust issues (especially with men) after something like this, but I'm smart enough to know not to generalize everyone as being like this. I've been generalized because of my gender here a lot in the past too so now I know how it feels to be generalized by gender from MGTOW, INCELS, etc. Maybe he was even ONE of those and I didn't know! Lol Anyway, thanks again.

[James899]

Keep your positive energy high! Best wishes for your future as well!

[spartan55]

@Sweetsurprize
Superiority complex? You are seriously reaching.

[Sweetsurprize]

@spartan55 You can't rule that out. You DON'T know so shut up lol. No seriously, it IS/WAS a possibility!

[spartan55]

@Sweetsurprize
If that were true he never would have given you the time of the day in the first place.

[Sweetsurprize]

@spartan55 Well he DID say, when he was breaking up with me that he was desparate. He even admitted that so I don't know.

[spartan55]

@Sweetsurprize
Okay? So what does being desperate have to do a superiority complex? Look, you can spin this up any way you want. You're never going to know the answers anyway.

[James899]

@spartan55 Could you start a new chat conversation because i am getting notifications. You are chatting in my comment feed.

[driven159]

because most people are selfish

[Sweetsurprize]

Yeah that's true. But then I wonder how they would deal with it if someone was selfish towards THEM, or their loved ones, and friends, people they actually cared about.

[driven159]

they would feel like they were done wrong to but that would not change them once selfish always selfish.