Is it weird that I've not been to his house?

[Anonymous]

We've been dating for 5 months. He's been to mine since month 2, nearly 1x every week but he's never invited me to his.
He lives with his sister, and currently has a friend staying over who is visiting but there's no sign of this changing.
What could be wrong?

[provokeesmokee]

He doesn't want to fuck in the same house he lives in with his sister. Or he keeps a shitty state of home and knows if you saw it you'd reconsider him. Or he likes how he can go to yours, doesn't have to do shit, and goes home.

But probably because he doesn't want to bring you to a place he shares when there's a place you two can be alone together.

[Asker]

That makes sense but it's his house. I probably wouldn't mind if they were renting from a landlord but he owns it. From what I can see his home is neat mostly. He does have a dog who's a little young but so do I.

[provokeesmokee]

That's weird for sure then.

[Asker]

Something is up and just don't get it. It's weird. We don't exactly live close by so it would make sense for us to split going to each others home... I get the feeling that I'm pushing for something that he doesn't really want

[provokeesmokee]

Probably. But I can't imagine owning a home and refusing to bring someone you love over.

To me, this is a bit of a red flag. He may have his reasons, but why isn't he working on resolving them if so?

Shows a lack of commitment and communication to me.

[Asker]

I'm hearing everything you're saying. That's why I'm here asking you all. I would prefer to have this conversation with him but he just keeps skirting around things, so I have no clue. I deserve so much more than this

[provokeesmokee]

You do.

If he can't have an honest conversation about something like this, I don't see how a relationship with him is going to work out.

I don't think he sees a future in this, or if he does, he isn't willing to have a serious conversation to protect it.

You definitely deserve more.

[Asker]

I just ended it. I feel lonely and incredibly hurt by his lack of passion and integration. I know that he has a demanding job but I have the time which gives me the ability to be more flexible. I think he's used to living as he does which is being there for everyone in his life leaving very little time to himself.
I've mentioned on more than one occasion struggling with issues with my mum and not once has he asked me what's bothering me. I'm just washing my time.

[provokeesmokee]

Sounds like the best call. Important job or not, if he lacks the time and intent to engage with and support you, he isn't a good fit.

[Asker]

He sent me flowers. He called and basically pleaded with me that he will do better. That if I give him a month then we'll be cool. It's just he's been sick but I'll see the improvements... I told him I'll think about it! 😕

[kylee2437]

Maybe ask him. Maybe he feels like it isn’t up to standards in terms of hanging out, and if that’s the case maybe tell him that you won’t feel any different if he just opens up that part of him.

[Asker]

I fear that maybe he thinks I just won't leave.
I dunno he's really quite peculiar. He comes here on the Friday evening. We mostly go out to eat and drink. We're usually home by 11pm since he's usually tired from work. We sleep, and only on the last occassions has he stayed for us to go and get breakfast at the café. But then he goes home afterward.

[kylee2437]

Maybe he’s introverted and needs space? Lol I feel this. When I plan something, I want to do it but everyone can go home afterwards.

[Asker]

Maybe... Every relationship is different and I'm trying not to hold him to the same standards I just find it all really weird. I even text him today suggesting I visit him and by now I would have heard from him and I feel like he's ignoring me

[kylee2437]

I think stuff like this is better talked about in person. Maybe he isn’t ignoring you, but maybe trying to figure out an explanation that doesn’t make you feel bad because maybe him not wanting you to come has nothing to do with you. I say ditch the convo and leave it for an in person talk.

[Asker]

He's been sick with a virus and I basically was suggesting coming by to check in on him, we did video call yesterday so I know he's ok and it's just a cough.

[kylee2437]

Well even then. I feel like this issue is something that could be held off. Maybe just support him through his virus and then bring it up when you actually see each other in person

[Asker]

Thank you for responding. I'll leave him be. I appreciate your opinion and kind words

[Anonymous]

He probably just doesn't feel comfortable inviting you over due to his living situation. But why not ask him?

[Asker]

I think that when I get in a relationship I get so consumed by the person that I can't only focus on that relationship. When there's lots of time apart naturally I start to think and over think, including picking apart all of the things said by him and how I felt on relation to that. Unfortunately if ever I ask him about coming round to his or wanting to speak to him more he comes up with a reason or a excuse as to why it's not possible. You can take rejection for so long. Consequently my mind starts to think of situations without him in it. So this is why I can't ask him again as I'm mentally checking out.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him? If I were you I genuinely would, because if having a friend over is the reason you can’t go, then I’d bet it was another woman. Can’t even confirm if a sister exists since you haven’t been over.

[Asker]

I just don't know what to ask him anymore because he's the first guy that has ever treated me this way. I'm used to a guy even with flat mates happily letting me come round when they're not there or if they're on their way out. Parents home thats different but like this it's kind of weird... He said he's let his sister and her boyfriend round but not me. I feel like a secret.

[Opinion Owner]

I feel opposite, like he is keeping a secret. You said you don’t know what to ask anymore, so what did you ask in the first place? If you have asked why you can’t go to his house then what’s the reason you aren’t allowed there?

[Asker]

But that's the issue what could the secret be? Another woman? He's been sick with a virus and along the way I've just been making suggestions about him inviting me to his. Then he invited me around to his but that weekend I already told him that I was suffering with a migraine so I text him to say I could make the Sunday as I still felt vulnerable and it wouldn't be good to travel to his in my state. I get them really bad. But I even said to my friend that it felt like he said it because he knew I couldn't come. The only thing he's said to me is that as his dog is so young that she's not very well behaved but that really shouldn't be an issue. Mine is a puppy and he is hyperactive but I tell him how he should and shouldn't behave if he doesn't do right. He has a balcony I don't the dog could go out there. Its just a delaying tactic... He never said I wasn't allowed, I've just not been... Or invited.

[Opinion Owner]

I do wonder about another woman, because who is this friend? I understand he’s sick right now so I guess you can just leave it alone for the moment but I would be trying to get over to his house. You are gradually incorporating this man into your life more and more, bringing him to your house, meeting important people. It needs to be mutual and you don’t want to get played.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s just something that would not be sitting right with me, between the sickness, his dog, like excuses excuses, is he trying to hold you off? I’d be considering all of that because if it’s his house not like he’s renting a room then what’s the issue? Even renting a room he should have the freedom to invite company…

[Opinion Owner]

THEN you see him once a week, he could totally have someone else and just be sneaking to see you… sorry for these comments I just keep having different thoughts about this whole thing, it’s such a red flag man..

[Asker]

You're thinking the same way I am. The friend is a guy. I know his name I just don't know him, and never spoken to him

[Opinion Owner]

Have you seen or met this guy? Or his sister? Even over a FaceTime and not just pics?

[Asker]

Never seen photos. Or spoken to them

[Opinion Owner]

See that’s weird af. Benefit of the doubt is one thing, but this situation is something you need 100% clarity on, because you don’t wanna waste anymore time on this dude if he’s an undercover scumbag. Right now you are limited to only once a week (unless that’s wrong), where he usually goes home at the end of the night, only once he’s stayed long enough for coffee. You know how easy that would be for him to get away with? One “I’m hanging out with the guys” to another woman would suffice, and a night that ran over a bit too long as an excuse for the coffee thing. Now I don’t want to paint him as an asshole, I hope he is not. But this is just too fishy, so please start asking the right questions. Before you fall deep for the guy and it’s too hard leaving.

[Asker]

Thank you for your help I really appreciate it. 😊

[Opinion Owner]

No worries hun, I hope this analysis is wrong and he turns out to be good!

[Asker]

I'll try and update when I know more

[Opinion Owner]

Yes if you remember about it please update🙏

[Anonymous]

he’s ashamed

[Asker]

Ashamed... That's so weird it's a new build flat. And he constantly brags about all the modern tech he's got. May not have a creative charm but it's a new building so it's clean and basic. He has a sofa bed tv all the normal things I've seen it when he video called. I just don't get it