Am I allowed to be picky even though I've never had a boyfriend before?

[Monalisa77]

Like, should i just go ahead and date someone even if there's things about them I dont like?

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

Im 36 tomorrow lol

[LiamJHayden]

Everyone is entitled to individual preferences, irrespective of what others think.

[love_conquers_lust]

Yes, but it is a risk. I’m picky myself.

[dynamicyandere]

It’s good to have standards.


Just be flexible when it comes to superficial preferences like eye color, hair color, or even height.


For me, I have non-negotiables, deal-breakers, and additional preferences.


In other words, traits they MUST have, traits they must NOT have, and traits that would be nice (but aren’t mandatory).


Example of a non-negotiable: They must have good conflict resolution skills. I can’t be with someone who isn’t mature enough to make a sincere effort when it comes to resolving issues within the relationship.


Example of a deal-breaker: I can’t be in an open relationship. That might be okay for some men. Either we are exclusive, or we aren’t together.


Example of an additional preference: I’d prefer them to be shorter than me, but if they were taller than me, it wouldn’t be an absolute deal-breaker.


This way of making dating decisions has worked out pretty well for me.


I’ve been in 7 long-term relationships and my current one has been for 5 years and we’re still going strong.

[RandomUser1000]

If you date someone that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with them, it doesn't mean you have to have sex with them and it doesn't mean you have to go on more dates with them.

Maybe it could be a good idea to try some dating to get a bit dating experience and maybe get to know yourself better and finding out what you like and doesn't like.

I mean if you at least meet people you see some potential in.
Don't date someone you don't like at all or someone who is violent and dangerous.

But yes you can be a picky as you want.
You don't ever have to date if you don't want to.

I don't know what is the best for you.

I'm just saying that you can go on a date with someone without it having to be super serious.
You can just say something like I had a nice time but don't think we clicked or something if you don't want to go out with them again.
As long as they aren't rude or mean or anything like that. Then you can turn them down politely.

But of course you don't have to.
I'm just saying that maybe you could learn something from it if you try.

Also if you meet someone you don't know.
Meet up in public places.
Maybe that one is obvious. But just be safe.

[Monalisa77]

If i got a perfect first date with someone i really liked and it didn't work out, id be fine for going on dates with people i dont really know to see if i like them. I just want to date someone for the first time who i do like

[IslaTheWitch]

Dating someone you don't like is a terrible idea. And it never ends well.

So, being picky is OK.

Just don't overdo it. Personality traits are hard to change, so it is essential to choose a compatible person. But appearance, like the length of the hair, beard, and weight, are negotiable things and, with some effort and support, can be changed if there is an agreement.

And even if you don't like someone's face, you can change your opinion after getting to know them better. Because if you are attracted to the mind... the appearance is losing its significance. So, for the sake of not losing your chance, give yourself time to get to know people better before you decide; he is unacceptable because of the beard.

[Monalisa77]

there's just something about them That puts me off And men with bears hardly ever smile

[IslaTheWitch]

It's your decision. I meant it's easy to overlook a great person if you are too strict. And I know plenty of men with beards who smile and laugh. So it's just a matter of experience. And you never know if he is not thinking about shaving the beard off... From my perspective, there is more to lose than to gain...

[Monalisa77]

True would it be rude to ask such q?

[IslaTheWitch]

you have to learn how to do it subtly, to put it more like your curiosity about his choice than a request

[Juxtapose]

How do you get to be your age as a woman and not get dates? I really don't understand.

I am a man and I'm autistic and I have so much more experience than you when my experience is pretty fucking low. What the hell have you been doing? Guys will regularly ask you out if you have even the barest bones of hygiene and physical fitness. Hell I have a fat female friend who got fatter because of medical problems and she still gets hits on as soon as she steps into walmart.

I don't know what you're doing wrong but to be almost 36 and not have dated once? That's really, really bad and is a huge red flag.

[Monalisa77]

I dont wear make up and dont go out to the usual places, plus with health issues n am really shy

[Monalisa77]

I luckily don't look my age, im mentally 21 as going to do open uni

[Monalisa77]

My health means I've limited motility n needs to mostly b in doors

[Monalisa77]

I know that word is spelt wrong 😂

[Juxtapose]

You don't need makeup frankly. Any man that says a woman absolutely needs makeup comes off as a homosexual to me because they can't appreciate women as they are.

As long as your appearance is reasonable and you are approachable you should be asked out quite a bit. Try going to public places more as well or put up a dating profile.

[Monalisa77]

I dont really put much effort in but i have been going shopping for clothes lately, im just mainly on my own with mother as i struggle making friends so guys won't approach me with her

[Monalisa77]

I did that but most guys only want a shag and 1 that i did have potential with failed to put up he smoked which left me in a bummer so i deleted it. Might try meet up app tho

[Monalisa77]

Plus its easier for a man

[CoachJ]

Honesty is always the best way. To date someone beneath your desired standard, preference, because you think you're not as worthy due to experience... serves neither you nor the dating partner well, right? You're going in lowering your standards and likely at some point will desire someone who meets them. I think that you get experience best by dating those who meet your standards. Do you truly want to gain experience with dating partners that lower than the quality you desire. One could argue you then aren't even gaining relevant experience compared to what it'd be like to date those who do meet your preferences.

[Monalisa77]

true but then what if those i like won't date me but the ones i am fussy on will?

[CoachJ]

Well, so said anyone ever? Should I try this harder thing that may give me bigger reward or play it safe?

It’s better to work toward and try what your heart and mind are drawn to vs accepting what we can get.

Don’t settle

[fantasticass]

Yes, you should always have boundaries, and standards for yourself. However, if you have just started dating, then go out on many dates. Dating is fun and exciting. Date men out of your comfort zone, and challenge yourself. Life will be much more interesting

[Monalisa77]

i can't really just go out with any dick or dom. i need to know them first and they know of some of my issues that i feel they won't take advantage

[Monalisa77]

i fall for guys easily too, and so if they have stuff i dont like (like smoking or a dog (hate the barking not the actual dogs) then i end up liking them i know it won't work out cos of those issues.

[fantasticass]

That's up to you. Whatever vibe you are giving you will receive it back. When you are dating you don't give the guy your life story... your dating... talk about the weather, not personal stuff

[Monalisa77]

Well you would assume so😂😂ignoring guys doesn't seem to make them stop staring 😂

[NathanDavis]

I have always been selective myself...

not really an issue of that being okay or not to others... it is simply a choice and decision of mine

[Monalisa77]

Ye but for some1 whos never had a boyfriend or even dated

[NathanDavis]

I cannot see why that would make a difference

[Monalisa77]

May never find anyone suitable

[NathanDavis]

Do You have a long list of requirements or something?

[Monalisa77]

Not that long, but even using the dating app it was hard to find men that ticked the boxes

[NathanDavis]

Tell me about those...

[Monalisa77]

Posted in another reply in this thread, 2 l8 to type again lol

[NathanDavis]

That is nothing... I hit all those boxes no problem

[Monalisa77]

Do u live in the uk n r single? 😂

[NathanDavis]

Single yes... in Europe, no

[Monalisa77]

U see, there's the issue 😂

[NathanDavis]

I am sure that there has to be plenty of these men over there

[JacobJordan]

You should be realistic about what you want. Like if you aren't rich don't expect a millionaire. Don't say dumb stuff like "I will only be with guys 6ft+" that is a tiny amount of population. Unnecessarily limiting yourself will make you miserable

[Monalisa77]

Dont care if they have money as long as they don't expect me to pay for everything

[JacobJordan]

Very reasonable expectation. What about height? Do you want someone who is healthy? What about pets? Lot of little things can increase or decrease the odds of finding a partner.

[Monalisa77]

As long as i dont break my kneck. No dogs as i dont like the barking, no smoking or kids. I dont think its that bad really but struggling to find ones who tick all the boxes

[JacobJordan]

That is the hard part. I somehow managed to find someone that ticked all of mine. No parties, drinking, smoking, drugs, dresses modestly, isn't fat, is a virgin (I was) accepts me for me. Couple other things. I would say some luck may have been involved lol

[Billlewis]

Oh, without question. In today's dating environment, I don't think it's possible for a woman to be too picky, selective or restrictive in her evaluation process. Of course, it may take a little longer to find the guy you're looking for, but I think that by setting your standards high, you'll be happier in the long run.

[Fireguy17]

The answer to your first question is yes, you can be as picky as you want to be.

Why settle.

It's a plus to actually like the person that you are with.

The answer to your second question is no.

While you may never find anyone that checks off every box, there will always be something that you won't like, that's natural, but if it is a whole bunch of things that you don't like, then move on, don't settle.

[Jkgordon]

It’s good to have standards. Love yourself already. Don’t settle and get desperate.

[systemsareyo]

I'm so picky, and introspective about myself also and my pros and my cons: I'm so picky I'm still single. I could never find a chick that ticked all, all my boxes. So there ya go, here I am, not complaining, at 29 almost 30, almost 30s soon. I don't mind, I lead a still fulfilling lifestyle 👀

[systemsareyo]

Yes you are, to answer your question, allowed to be picky, yes you are 👋😄

[BoopBoopBeep]

Depends on the things. The likelihood of you finding someone who meets 100% of your criteria if you have 30 criteria is virtually nil. If you're only criteria is "has a job" then yeah, be picky.

[Monalisa77]

I dont care about it if he has a job, i dont have 1. As long as he doesn't expect me to pay for things everytime

[BoopBoopBeep]

Well one of you has to have a job or you're just going to live in a box under a bridge and feed off discarded scraps? What's the criteria that you're asking if you're too picky about?

[Monalisa77]

I have money, its not really my fault i can't get 1. I've applied for lots n had interviews, i even got rejected for the next level of my course which had the experience levels i needed to help get 1. Im in the process of applying for the ou

[Monalisa77]

Its on this thread, i dont think its picky but every guy i meet/like doesn't tick all the boxes

[Monalisa77]

Am overly

[BoopBoopBeep]

Seems a pretty short list. I haven't been in London for a while. Which one is the one most people are failing? Are all British men tattood now or you just emptied out all the shelters of dogs? Seems odd you can't find that.

[Monalisa77]

usually smoking

[BoopBoopBeep]

Ah... yeah I did see a lot of that there. Hmm... good luck to you

[Anonymous]

Yes. What you're not allowed to do is be really picky and then complain about your dating pool. There are 4 billion men on the planet. If you choose to make your dating pool really small that was your decision, not the guys.

Personally I'll tell anyone who will listen (man or woman) it's HEALTHY to know your boundaries (your dealbreakers). But know your NEVER going to find the perfect partner. The key is finding someone whose shortcomings mesh well with yours.

[Monalisa77]

Its not that picky, i just can't help who im attracted to.

[Opinion Owner]

Same goes for men hun. But that fact is irrelevant.

[molonski2]

You are 35 and never had a boyfriend? And you want to be picky? Really?
I'd focus on myself , and get to the best you can be , then consider options.

[Monalisa77]

Well im not gonna get with someone only to b miserable anyway and thatll take even longer lol I've been focusing on my self for 36 yrs😂

[molonski2]

Well keep focusing and get super fit and do as you please...
BUT , to leave it this long is a MASSIVE negative , so get out there and get amongst it. Wholly sht 36 and never a boyfriend.. thats simply CRAZY.

[Monalisa77]

Its not like i haven't tried
Im me as i am, i am trying to improve my mental wellbeing but if they don't like how i look not much i can do about that

[Monalisa77]

My parents r partly to blame. My mum doesn't think there's anything wrong with it and tells me boys don't flirt with me when it's obvious they do

[Monalisa77]

But i know some do like how i look where as up till the last 6 months id convinced myself nobody would ever like me

[molonski2]

@Monalisa77 come on !
Its obvious you are plenty good enough , but you need experience , with due respect I think your mother is a problem , just go out with some guys , forget mom , and just let things role..
Feel good , beautiful , and just go about life , no expectation , and dont listen to MUM..
NOW IS YOUR TIME ! relax and go for it..

[molonski2]

@Monalisa77 of course they like you , a plethora of them do , loosen it all up hun --seriously

[Monalisa77]

I can't meet strangers in strange places, i fear they would take advantage of me. She needs to drive me whereever i go.

[Monalisa77]

If they did tho they would ask me out? Its not like i dont interact and try to flirt

[Monalisa77]

When i was getting a bit more dressed up to show a guy i liked him she was like she's going to chat up some guy... Claes she's protecting me

[Monalisa77]

Claims

[Monalisa77]

She pretty rudely tells me they won't ask me out n even if tjey did i should say no, some1 asked her out when she was young n she said no. N she calls me ugly 2. A motjers opinion causes me a lot of anxiety

[molonski2]

Well , as long as they know the actual background , and as long as mom was not hanging around , of course it seems unusual if say the guy is 40 years and you are 36 .. he is going to expect a lot more freedom.
What if he said " Hey babe , I'm going to pick you up " ? That might be far better.

[Monalisa77]

I was hoping that would happen with the last 1 but I've not seen him since he was flirting, it was so odd

[Monalisa77]

I also get too attached to one guy who shows me attention which takes me donkeys to get over them

[Monalisa77]

I dont want a boyfriend to look after me or anything, my health would likely improve on its own away from my parents

[molonski2]

Babes -- hahahhahahaha , no offense are you for real? You are making it so hard on these guys , you really need to relax , and get your mother out of it.

[Monalisa77]

No im being realistic, if my own mother thinks that y wouldn't they? N y can't i make any friend s no matter how hard i try

[Monalisa77]

I didn't want to tell het anything but my hairdresser did and she kept asking qs n pressuring me, i told my brother i was on a dating app n we ended up have a deep conversation n sje wouldn't believe me that a guy had flirted n even when i told her everything she claimed it didn't happen

[Monalisa77]

I send guys message s n they dont reply

[Monalisa77]

Eg for my birthday i said y can't my brother n his girlfriend come over next weekend but she's like what without me there's gonna b no food etc then i think she organised something for tomorrow, i think she's only done that cos of what i suggested

[sawno]

Entirely up to you, but you are 35 so don't wait to long being picky since the options are decreasing with more and more men being taken or preferring not to have to rush towards children.

[Monalisa77]

Nearly 36😂its not like im. Not trying to better myself and prospects

[sawno]

I'm also curious what your previous deal-breakers were. Everyone has downsides you won't escape it, its all about them having downsides you can accept.

[Monalisa77]

I didn't use to have any, i liked a guy who was clearly using me and messing me about.. He was even into drugs n all sorts. Its only since I've got older and more sensible

[sawno]

But that doesn't make sense, you are asking if you should be picky and you are going after the most generic non picky wishes where plenty of guys tick all the boxes. So what has been stopping you from being with someone? Perhaps there is something you are looking for but didn't define?

[Monalisa77]

The one on the app smoked. I dont find guys with beards attractive

[Monalisa77]

I haven't had many opportunities anyway, its just from the different guys i find attractive. Because when it comes to it, even if its people on tv, and a guy is hugely popular with the ladies, i myself generally dont find them attractive or remotely good looking.

[sawno]

Ah, you wrote it a bit confusing. I disqualify myself because of my beard then but multiple men would be ok with shaving for the right girl. But its not like the entire UK population has a beard right? If you want to avoid apps just approach a guy in person at a bar, see what happens. Your age I do expect a lot of "Sorry I am taken" rejections though, don't take those personal since most people at 35 are taken.

[Monalisa77]

I dont mind when it comes to age. I dont look my age, and i wouldn't tell a guy my age anyway.

[Monalisa77]

I usually check if someone is single too😂

[lemonsandmelons]

Being picky is good. Be as picky as you can as long as you work on your standards. Look for a good partner, doesn't have to be perfect, has room to grow, shows potential to grow, and lots of evidence that you'll be a good team in growing together

[lemonsandmelons]

Of course good standards means being smart too. And that means being open and honest with yourself when it comes to knowing what's good for you and what's good to see in people in general. Values, moral character, etc.

[lemonsandmelons]

Oh, there's one more thing. You can't always make the perfect decision or know whether someone falls in your standards (character-wise, personality-wise etc). You just have to take a chance and that doesn't mean being all in. Just enough commitment to get to know them a little better.

[blueonblack22]

I was expecting a 19 year old girl to ask this kind of question not a 35 year old woman.

[Monalisa77]

not like i haven't tried, and i wouldn't cos ur only young at that age

[blueonblack22]

Well maybe you are asking yourself the wrong question with the “am I allowed”.

You are “allowed” to do whatever you like with dating. If you want to reject a guy for a picky reason then suit yourself. No one is forcing you to do something one way or another.

But that doesn’t change reality though. The truth is you can only expect your equivalent when it comes to pickiness. No more no less. The question you really need to ask yourself if “would you date yourself?” Think hard about that.

[Monalisa77]

Lol no which is y im surprised when guys show an interest 😂😂i assume there must be some other reason other than that they might find me attractive 😂

[blueonblack22]

Well that’s a self esteem problem. But tbh it’s hard to predict if someone may or may not find you attractive. I’ve been often shocked in both directions. But then again I am a man and it’s near impossible to understand how women really think (or vice versa).

Just try dating and if you want to have sex then have sex. If you don’t then don’t. But at least have some fun on a date and if you don’t want the guy to feel “entitled” to anything then tell him straight up front (before the date) you will pay your half.

[Monalisa77]

Tbh considering i dont get many men interested and i haven't been asked out before , stastically I don't know how its a self esteem issue. If i got loads of men asking me out and i still felt like that then sure, it would be.

Even when i try to explain to people i know what happened the last guy flirted and stared at me they said i was over reacting. I dont believe i over reacted at the way he behaved around me.

[blueonblack22]

For the record I have a date planned with a younger and very attractive lady this Saturday. Truth is I’m a bit paranoid because she seemed to good to be true at first. But so far so good when it comes to the signals she’s giving me. I will myself to ACCEPT good things when they come along and maybe you should too.

[Monalisa77]

Yes i shouldve spoken to him at the time, i chicken out due to shyness n being scared of getting hurt

[blueonblack22]

Well I know how it is to be an over thinker. You need to BREATHE. Breathe deeply and then think.

[Monalisa77]

Kicking myself cos im seeing other pics of him and he is really hot. If he's not at next night i saw him at im going to go on meet up events to mee tmore people

[katiesmuff]

It's YOUR boyfriend you are looking for so you are allowed to be as picky as you want 1st time or 10th time.

[Miah04]

Yes. Be picky. Always know what you want and don't settle.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yes you can and should be picky, no you shouldn't date someone you don't like.

[Monalisa77]

Its not that i dont like them but there r things that put me off them

[TheSpaceGnome]

That means you don't like them

[Monalisa77]

Nah there's guys I've really liked it was no fault of their own

[jahaims]

If you haven't dated anyone by 35 you should work on yourself and not worry about what your standards are.

[Monalisa77]

That'll take even longer lol

[DextroShade]

You can be as picky as you want but if your standards are too high for what you have to offer you will end up dying alone. If you want a top tier dude you had best be top tier yourself.

[InspireGlow678]

You're always allowed to be picky, no matter what. You're a human being and you have preferences like anyone else.

[crystalmoonlstar]

Dating someone you don't like is a bad idea and it will never end well. It’s good to have standards. Being picky is okay, do not worry.

[Iron_Man]

don’t be too picky men don’t want to be controlled and told what to do

[Monalisa77]

Id never do that, thats y i wouldn't go out with someone who wouldn't suit me

[shortster]

I think at this point you might loosen your standards. Especially for trivial things like height or glasses.

[Monalisa77]

Im not bothered about those

[whistlingwh0res]

I think men think that all women are bitch and we never support their stupidity and laziness. I haven’t seen anyone who genuinely interested in women. They all are bottom. So your feeling might be true

[pervertedjester]

At your age yes, go on a date. Redefine your mind.

[sushienjoyer]

yes, you're absolutely allowed to be picky. you should be picky, actually. it might take you a bit longer to find a good partner, but trust me when i say that it'll be worth the wait

[Monalisa77]

But ur only 16? no offence lol

[sushienjoyer]

does me being 16 mean i can't have an opinion on this? i never said i'm talking from experience. to me, it's just common sense that you shouldn't date the next best person just because you haven't dated anyone else before.

[Monalisa77]

Nah i just wondered cos u haven't neednt to wait that long

[Monalisa77]

No like there's some guys I've really liked but they smoke or have a dog

[msc545]

Sure you can be as picky as you want - and stay lonely.

[Monalisa77]

So i go out with someone only to b miserable anyway? 😂

[msc545]

I think there is a point in between being deliriously happy and miserably bored.

[Anonymous]

you will never get a boyfriend, you should lower your standards

[Monalisa77]

Have u seen them? I don't think they're that high

[Opinion Owner]

date a guy thats short like 5’6, 5’7, 5’8,5’9

[Monalisa77]

im not bothered about height as long as he isn't mega tall that i haveto break my kneck to reach up to him

[Anonymous]

At 35 and never had a boyfriend before... yeah, you're standards are probably too high.

[Monalisa77]

I dont think they r actually
I just dont want to date a smoker, someone with a beard, doesn't have a dog and has a nice smile n makes me laugh n is respectful. Is that too much to ask? No tats would b preference

[Opinion Owner]

Alright, that's reasonable. A lot of men are too lazy to shave tho, myself included lol. A lot of people have tats to, it's very common. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with those preferences, but you just have to accept that it's going to make your dating pool smaller.

[Monalisa77]

Depends where the tats are. Surely there must b someone out there like that tho

[pickles77]

As long as it’s realistic it’s okay you just don’t want to rule out every guy you meet

[Anonymous]

I also never had a girlfriend and I have standards. Earlier I tried to devalue them but that didn't work. I do get a few proposals from around my age or older but it's okay to stay single.

[Anonymous]

You've never dated and been single your whole life?

[Monalisa77]

Yup any wonder im miserable lol

[Opinion Owner]

And are you 36 or is that a typo error when registering for this site?

[Monalisa77]

no i turned 36 on the 14th jan

[Opinion Owner]

Why do you think you have always been single? Just asking because me and a lot of people find cases like this more shocking for women than they do for men

[Monalisa77]

i can't force men to ask me out. im too shy and have a lot of health issues (its all on my page i cba typing out again) im doing open uni n might do some volunteereing n going to start going to meet ups maybe i might meet someone. i get a lot of comments from other girls "dont bother with boys"basically saying im too ugly for anyone to want to date me despite many men flirting with me

[Monalisa77]

but if u want to help take a look at my qs

[Opinion Owner]

I'll see what I can do but for as long as I can remember and I'm sure many people feel this way as well we find it more shocking for a woman to have never dated or never had a relationship by a certain age then for a guy or a man because women have always been on the receiving end of sexual attention or just women don't have to do the pursuing or the approaching like men always have

[Monalisa77]

i dont wear make up either.. im also very picky when it comes to men. i dont have very good influences from men in my life generally

[Monalisa77]

im with my parents a lot of the time. struggle to make friends and i can be seen as someone to take advantage of

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah just making that comment or assumption due to my lifelong hatred and resentment of men always having to make the first move and ask the woman out and be the initiators

[Monalisa77]

i get comments that i can't ask men out. i had someone interested me but i was too shy its in my 2nd to last q all of its in the text screenshots

[Anonymous]

Why do you ask dumb questions and rely on others opinions? 🤣

[Monalisa77]

Im bored

[Opinion Owner]

Wow... Amazing answer.

[Monalisa77]

But it isn't dumb, i really want a perfect first date with someone i really like but i fear it may never happen

[Opinion Owner]

You're right. There's no such thing as perfect

[Monalisa77]

Just a drink eill fo my fine tho. Just someone who would make me laugh and respect me

[Opinion Owner]

That's expectation not reality.

[Monalisa77]

So it would be hard to find someone like that?

[Opinion Owner]

You'd have to figure that out

[Monalisa77]

There r guys whove made me kaugh before but it just hasn't worked out

[Monalisa77]

Clearly i need to sleep

[Opinion Owner]

Good

[Danny_dan92]

It’s best to be picky