Can you be dating without having said it out loud?

[Anonymous]

So me and this guy have been hanging out a lot - like seriously a lot - and that’s been going on for quite a few months

we lose track of time, spend mostly time alone with each other and had a few more romantic endeavours- but nothing physical ever happened so far - apart from “accidentally ” touching each others hands etc

WhatsApp messages daily and and at all hours - from both sides sent equally

my friend says we act like we are in a relationship without actually being in one and she thinks we are dating without calling it that

And to be fair when I try to think about it (before doubts sets in) I do feel it’s very much like a relationship - at least it has a lot of similarities - we do seem to treat each other like people treat their partners in a proper relationship -

a few other people have made similar comments about us by now …

this is so confusing (I am not brave enough to bring it up and I think he might be shy about it too which doesn’t help)

has anyone any advice or thoughts?
have you experienced something similar?

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh man girl, that does sound really confusing! Based on everything you described though, it definitely sounds like you two have something more than just hanging out as friends.

I'd say your friend is right - it does sound like you're basically dating without calling it that. Spending so much one-on-one time together, constantly talking all day, the flirty touches... that's couple stuff!

The fact other people have even commented on it shows it probably looks like a relationship from the outside too. I think your friend is spot on.

At this point, you've been doing the dating stuff for months already. I'd say one of you just needs to bite the bullet and have the "what are we?" talk! Rip off the bandaid.

Even if he's shy, just lay it out there - "I really care about you and I feel like we have something special going on here. Do you ever see this becoming official between us?" Or something like that.

Worst that can happen is you find out you're on different pages. But my guess is he feels the same way and you'll both feel relieved to be out in the open about it! You deserve that clarity, girl. You've got this!

[Asker]

Thanks for that, you’re right -
Just need to put myself out there more - just it’s just so hard

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah, I get it. Putting yourself out there and being vulnerable is definitely one of the hardest things to do. Rejections sucks and it's scary to think that could happen. But you can't let the fear of "what if" control you. You'll spend forever wondering "what if" she feels the same way if you don't take a chance. And is that any better than knowing for sure?

Some things that might help - remind yourself that confidence is sexy. Fake it 'til you make it if you have to. Also, remember that the worst she can say is no. And you'll survive that, it won't be the end of the world. But the reward if she says yes is so worth it. You also gotta think, would you rather look back and regret never asking? Or look back proud that you went for what you wanted? You got this man. When you talk to her, tell her how you really feel from the heart. Be honest but also chill about it so she doesn't feel pressure. You guys kinda already act like a couple anyway, so there's a good chance she'll say yes! You deserve to be happy. Don't let fear stop you from finding out. You guys will be great together, I can feel it.

[Oliverlogan263]

Tell him and he I meant, I missed it mentioning she when it’s about him my apologizes on my comment

[Asker]

No problem at all, I just really appreciate all the time you take to answer in such detail.

[Asker]

It’s not so much just the fear of rejection- but also the thought of what if this means we won’t be friends anymore at all?

He has gotten to be such a big part of my life that I would absolutely hate to lose him altogether.
So staying fiends and hanging out like an old married couple beats not having him as my fiend anymore. It’s mad how important he is to me and the thought of that being lost altogether is terrifying to be honest with you

[Asker]

He knows me inside out, makes me laugh like nobody else, is always there for me, we do fun things together, we chat all the time, he is the first person that I tell anything and everything and I feel in return I got to know him really well. He initiates contact a lot … sends multiple messages even if I haven’t managed to reply yet, which I feel is really sweet. He is supportive, helpful and genuinely just the nicest guy, he comes up with tons of things to chat and do to “drag out” how long we spend together - that is a lot to lose if you add it all together.

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man I totally get where you're coming from. Losing a friend like that would be really hard. It sounds like you guys have a really strong connection and care about each other a lot.

But I also don't think asking where you stand has to mean losing his friendship, you know? Maybe have the chat but reassure him that your friendship means so much to you too, no matter what. If he's as into you as it seems, I'm sure he feels the same way.

And even if it takes time to adjust, real friends find a way to stay friends. It might be awkward at first but if you both want to stay in each other's lives, you will. You've built up so much trust already.

I know it's scary, but it also doesn't sound fair to you to keep hanging in limbo forever wondering "are we or aren't we?" Take a deep breath and go for it! Your friendship is strong enough to get through an honest conversation. Let me know if talking helps clear things up at all!

[Asker]

Yes thank you so much, you have been such a great help. Talking about these things really does make a difference and getting someone else’s perspective is also really valuable.
You put so much effort into your replies - thank you very much. It truly is appreciated a lot

[Asker]

I will try and give myself a deadline for having that chat all while still hoping he might bring it up first. I know that seems unfair but would be just so much easier. Though I also wonder if he has been thinking about this? Maybe guys don’t overthink as much as us, but I sometimes think that surely he must also be wondering what this is that we have. Or do guys not really worry about that?

[Oliverlogan263]

You're so welcome, I'm really glad talking through it helped! And don't even worry about it, I'm always happy to offer a listening ear and give advice if I can. It definitely does help to get a different perspective on things sometimes.

And yeah totally understandable to hope maybe he'll bring it up first - that would make it a lot easier for sure! But guys can definitely overthink stuff too, even if we might not show it as openly. I'd be willing to bet he's probably wondered the same things at some point.

We tend to get in our own heads about it just like girls do. So I wouldn't be surprised if he's thought about defining what's going on between you too. We just usually don't want to be the first one to say it out loud in case of rejection, like you said.

But it really does sound like there's something real between you guys. I'm rooting for you that it all works out! And if you need to vent or anything after you talk, feel free to hit me up. Fingers crossed it all goes well for you :) You've got this!

[OlderAndWiser]

Are both of you relatively inexperienced in dating and sexual relationships?

[Asker]

No we really are both too old to be acting like inexperienced fools - but I guess that’s what you get if both people are shy and worried about possibly losing a friendship

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you hug each other at the end of an evening together?

[Asker]

No unfortunately not

[OlderAndWiser]

If you want this to move forward, that’s your next step.

[Asker]

Yes is like to love this forward - thanks for the advice

I feel so silly about this all …

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for MHO!

[laly520]

its always best to be direct but since u can't u could ask him saying 'do u have anyone in mind whom u like or u plan to keep being single'

then see what he will say

from there it would be clear

[Avicenna]

Yeah, that happened with one girlfriend I had. Then we finally found out we had a different understanding of what was going on, but we agreed to be in an exclusive relationship.