Oblivious or double standard?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating this one guy since February and don't get me wrong, he's very sweet and kind and also, a bit naive bc he's a few years younger than me. He has been very vocal about wanting us to be monogamous, even though we aren't in a real relationship, and I was fine with that. I don't have the energy, time, nor the patience to entertain multiple men and he's a good catch.

But here's the snag: He's a music artist and whenever he tells me about a gig, he always mentions how girls ask for his number and he declined some, to others he gave them but "warned" them that he is technically taken, some are allowed to kiss his cheek. And I'm just like?

I thought it was odd and confronted him about it. Like, that if he gave them his number despite "having someone", he'd send them mixed signals and it was both unfair to them and me. He said he didn't even consider that and mentioned that he wouldn't feel comfortable, if it was vice versa and I let other guys smooch me and hand my number out to them.

So now I am wondering if he's just oblivious af or if he knows damn well what he's doing and wants to preserve a double standard. He's on the autism spectrum as well, so I tried to estimate how unaware he'd be of the social cues. But tbh, if he wouldn't want to be monogamous, he'd just have to say it. We just aren't dating several people at once bc he asked so. So, what's going on with him?

[Alli112]

I don't want to excuse all social inability on neurodivergence, but it's entirely possible that he didn't think about it or just wasn't thinking about your exclusivity the same way. I think if you had a good conservation on it and the problem action has stopped, then let this one lay to rest, but if you see similar behavior later on (of double standards or lack of consideration) you might need to bring it up in a broader context. Everyone deserves a respectful partner, but plenty of people don't necessarily know how to be respectful all that well.

My personal judgement tends to be if a partner seems open to constructive criticism/concerns and makes an active effort to improve, then I'm more or less satisfied and try to return the same. (But having to correct someone on a regular basis long-term because they fail to be considerate is difficult, so my advice is just be empathic, but also consider where you boundaries lie and where you need to put your foot down for your own well-being). I'm hoping this turns out to be a one-time or rare occurrence than can be chalked up to human imperfection, rather than a regular behavior.

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl that is totally not cool of him! It sounds like he definitely wants a double standard where he can do what he wants but expect you to be exclusive.

Like it's one thing if you aren't official, but dating casually means you're still spending time together and getting to know each other, ya know? Giving other girls his number crosses a line even if you're not "official". Those girls probably think they have a chance now too!

I wouldn't say he's oblivious either. Most guys know what they're doing with that kinda stuff. He just wants the freedom to flirt and mess around without having to commit to you fully. If he respected you, he would handle those fan interactions differently.

I'd call him out big time! Be like "look, we said we're just seeing each other casually, but that doesn't mean you can entertain other girls like that. Either be completely single and do what you want, or be respectful of me while we're dating." See what he says.

But don't let him make excuses - his behavior is shady af whether he's autistic or not. You deserve someone who treats you right! This guy doesn't seem serious about you at all sis. Time to move on and find someone better.

[IslaTheWitch]

how giving his number is related to being taken?

from my perspective, my partner is not my property and he still can have his own friends (female and male), and people he talks to... the same as I have...

kissing in the cheek is questionable... I can understand close friends but not freshly met women...

[Asker]

His words, not mine. I don't think it would be weird for him to make new friends and handing out his number, but from what he told me those girls and women usually flirt + need clarification that he "has someone", so I guess he suspects that they are into him. I am just confused at this point.

[IslaTheWitch]

if he is a musician then of course they are into him... it's a thrill... but he tells you it openly, he doesn't hide things... I don't get what your problem is...

[Asker]

It is that he does these things but somehow doesn't see how his actions contradict his stance on what we have going on. As mentioned above, he was very adamant about not seeing other people but it feels odd that he couldn't put one and one together and see how handing out his numbers to others could be seen as being interested in them. So I am confused whether it's intentional or a double standard.

[IslaTheWitch]

of course we can circle again... giving his number doesn't mean he will be with this girl, it means he gives her number

he is with you and openly is telling you about all the things not hiding any stuff...

if you can't appreciate it... it won't last long...