Do you think I did anything wrong with this one girl I briefly dated?

[Anonymous]

So I went on one date and texted a bunch with this one lady almost 2 years ago. Before I say anything more, just know that, as far as I'm aware, she wants nothing to do with me, I'm over her, and while I haven't had luck dating anyone else, I at least have dated other people since then. But there was never any closure, and I do regret the way it ended, so I do still think about it a lot.

So we went on a bowling date and talked a bunch through text for about a month in late 2022. I thought she was really smart and fun, and I knew I wanted a 2nd date with her even before the first one. She did say yes to the 2nd date, but then, while we still texted a lot, the 2nd date never happened. I had a time or two before where I'd try to make plans, the girl I talked to would say she was busy, then completely ghost me afterwards. I was afraid at the time this was gonna happen again since it had happened to me before. After a little bit, I kinda angerily told her this, including how this had happened to me before. She had responded saying her job really tires her out and didn't want to go out afterwards, which I would have been fine with, but she never said that before. I also immediately regretted doing that and told her I was starting to have some feelings for her and that it may have clouded my judgement, but then she calls me controlling and smothering. Looking back on it, I feel I could've done things differently and trusted her more. If she ended up ghosting me, and I actually would've been right about that, that would've been her fault, not mine. I shouldn't have tried to control that. But the main reason I ask this is because my friends don't think I was that bad. One of them thinks that you gotta work through some hard stuff in relationships instead of just run away. Another, who's a female friend of mine, thinks she wasn't being very clear with her intents, and one more, another female friend, thinks I dodged a bullet if she's already accusing me of those things.

[Anonymous]

You went on 1 date, she clearly avoided seeing you after, kept the texting to a minimum and ghosting you after every attempt you made to plan a second date. She was CLEARLY not interested. The only reason she said yes to a date is because she’s either a people pleasure and didn’t want to hurt you or she was worried you’d be angry and become verbally abusive and try to convince her (men do this a lot when clearly rejected).

Your friends thoughts about having to work things out in relationships instead of running away is irrelevant. This was never a relationship it was a FIRST DATE.

I completely understand her side. She went on a first date with a guy and it turned out she didn’t feel a connection/attraction, this guy starts to nag and push her for a second date, she avoids the topic because she’s not interested but instead of backing off he starts questioning her and confess his feelings after this ONE date. She felt pressured and uncomfortable.

Two years later, you’re still obsessing over this. You couldn’t have done anything to get her to like you. She wasn’t interested for whatever reason and that happens. You go on first dates (and sexond dates etc) to figure out if there’s a chance it could lead to something more.

You need to work on yourself and stop being desperate. You’ll never find anyone if you don’t. If the woman is not showing you in ACTIONS (what she says is irrelevant) that she’s interested then she’s not and you need to back off and move on. You ask her out 1 time, if she says no without suggesting a specific other time/date for it then you don’t ask again and you don’t talk to her anymore. So, if you ask if she wants to go and watch a movie the Saturday and she says no I can’t/I’m busy or whatever then you move on. If she says no, I’m busy on Saturday but I’d love to go Sunday evening. Then she’s interested and you can continue persuing her (until she starts showing signs of no interest). Double texting, nagging, pressuring, questioning will get you nowhere. She’ll only be even less interested if you do that because you make her feel uncomfortable and you come across as desperate, insecure, clingy and creepy.

[Asker]

I don't think you understood my intent, or even her intent. She didn't "keep the texting to a minimum". She only met once in person, but it's like we were penpals. We got to know each other decently well during that time. She also never ghosted me. I was afraid that would happen down the line, but she never did that. I never once thought more about other women who did ghost me, and if that was the case, you'd be right. She said yes to a 2nd date, but didn't really help me try to make it actually happen. She did not say no to that originally.

[HollyK21]

Hindsight is 20/20, there will always be those things you could’ve done differently, but what good does ruminating like this do? It won’t change what happened with her years ago, and she’s long since moved on from you and that situation. You should focus instead on what comes next in your life, not digging through the ashes of the past.

[Asker]

I ask because there wasn't closure, and it's to help me improve as a person and learn from my mistakes. What if something like this ever happens again? Also, I had a different opinion than my friends did, I was, and still am, harder on myself. I know full well I had to move on. And I have dated other women since then.

[HollyK21]

I guess I’m not really sure how much closure or learning can be acquired from such a brief encounter, years ago. You only went on one date, and chatted for a month, unless I’m misunderstanding. I feel as though you’ve fixated on this until you find another woman to fill your time, and the problem with that is who knows when you’ll find another match? Do you just never close this door and move on? I absolutely believe in learning from your mistakes, but your situation doesn’t even sound like it was so much about mistakes and instead just simple disinterest on her end. You’re picking apart each aspect of your time with her and trying to see where you went wrong, when really it’s not even that deep. You could’ve been perfect in every way and still wound up here.

[Asker]

It could've been disinterest on her end as well, I do agree. For me, it's rwally hard to get over someone I had any spark with until I date someone else I get a spark with. At the time of me writing this, she's the last woman I dated that I felt any spark with at all. I honestly don't date people very often. But I've gotten over other women I dated longer than her. I actually asked on this site once why I still think about what happened there and one commenter believed it was because of no closure, and I agree. I mainly asked this question because I do want to do better next time and since my friends didn't think it was my fault.

[Asker]

I dated this one girl in 2020 for a little bit, went on like 5 dates with her. Long story short, had a spark with her, we both rushed things, maybe me moreso than her, she dumps me, we never speak again. I barely think about her. I date this other girl a year later, went on like 6 dates with her, she dumps me because she didn't feel the magic with me, same exact one in my question here that believed the girl I'm asking about wasn't clear with her intent, but while I'm not dating her anymore, we are friends, and I don't think about my time dating her a whole lot.

[HollyK21]

I’m sure closure plays a hand, but I think the bigger problem is having felt a spark with her and no other woman since. At least not at the same capacity. She has qualities that you haven’t found since and who knows, maybe you don’t feel like you’ll find it again. But I do feel like these things happen for a reason, even if you don’t know what that reason is yet. So instead of looking at her as a loss, consider her a lesson to prepare you for when the real thing comes. You probably took something fundamental from that situation that you wouldn’t have learned or found out about yourself any other way.

[Asker]

That's why I feel best way to deal with what happened with her is just to learn from it and move on. I was curious to see if anyone else thinks what I did was wrong initially, but adults aren't perfect. Way worse guys than me out there who have someone

[exitseven]

You can take all the would'ves , could'ves and should'ves in the world and they won't even buy you a cup of bad coffee.

It does not look like you did anything that terrible. The date just did not workout. You cannot go back and fix it. You will never find out what went wrong. Tell yourself that it is her problem and then date somebody new.

[Asker]

It was my intent here to see if anyone else felt I did any wrong and try to learn from it. I still feel I was maybe a bit untrusting, but the past is over. Best thing I can do now is move on and try not to make that mistake again. Besides, worse people than me have girlfriends

[exitseven]

@tstarr17 Of course you will find somebody else. You are right, worst people than you have girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Women don't like men with feelings don't admit them about feeling hurt and ghosted.