Boyfriend cancelled plans. Are my feelings irrational?

[Anonymous]

I went to a family dinner today. My boyfriend asked me what time I’d be done, and to spend the night with him after and watch a movie. So I agreed.

On the way back from the dinner, my boyfriend cancelled plans with me to go out with friends. He said he had already agreed to see them today? I was pretty annoyed as I felt like why did he make plans with me then? Before he told me about his friends, he tried to cancel and make it seem like it was for my own benefit as it was getting late and “i’d be tired”. I didn’t really make a big deal and kept it quiet but he probably sensed my shift in mood and kept exaggerating “my girlfriends mad at mee” before he left. I kept my messages brief as I just decided to get ready for bed but, he started stirring the pot as usual.

I’m pretty much ending my night a little annoyed. I know its not a very big deal and I just wondered if I was being irrational? Ladies or men, would you be annoyed if this happened to you?

[Alisonqueen]

Your feelings (disappointment, frustration, or hurt) aren't irrational, but rather a normal response to cancelled plans, especially if you were looking forward to spending time together; however, it's essential to communicate openly with your boyfriend to understand his reasons and clear the air.

[Asker]

Thank you. I guess I don’t really mind that he went out with his friends instead. He hardly goes out with them. I just feel like he got my hopes up and made me rush home when I could have just taken my time with my family. I’m just annoyed by the way he communicated to me about it. I really don’t like that he pretended to make it sound like he was doing it for me. But I’ll speak to him about it today. I can tell he did not like my lack of response after that.

[BarryLiverstone]

Feeling annoyed makes sense. Do you feel better now?

[Asker]

I do. I haven’t spoken much to him yet but I can tell my lack if response has bothered him.

[BarryLiverstone]

So it’s like a game. You like that he’s feeling annoyed at your lack of response.

[Asker]

Maybe you misunderstood. I’ve just noticed it. My lack of response annoying him seems childish considering I went to bed after he went out, and I’ve been busy at work while he has the day off. But we’ll discuss it when I see him.

[BarryLiverstone]

What I don’t understand is you agreed to spend the night with him and see a movie right? If that’s correct what time did he expect you to be home after your family dinner?

[Asker]

I told him I’d be back at 9. So he asked me to spend the night with him. I left so I’d make it back to him by then and I was on the phone to him on the journey back too. It was only until I was 5 mins from arriving he told me told me he had made plans for his friends. But only after he tried to cancel saying i’d be too tired and I told him I was fine. I wish he just let me know a little earlier on that he had already made plans. There was a 4 hour window between when he asked me to spend time with him and when he told me last minute.

[BarryLiverstone]

I’m trying to put myself into his shoes and see if from his perspective but it does sound like a lack of communication and planning overall. Like you said if he wanted to go I out with his friends then he could have told you that before you rushed home. But also had he invited you over for the night before your dinner you wouldn’t have had to rush.

That being said it sounds like something changed from his side. Maybe the friends outing was last minute and he didn’t know they would be free. Maybe he expected you to come to his place and wanted sexual time; so talking to you on your way he got the sense you were not in a sexual mood and that let him down. Maybe he decided to go out because he didn’t realize how late 9 was and you had to get up and work today.

Like you said you will discuss things and work on better communication. But sounds like you need to learn what he expected yesterday and ask him what changed. If that makes sense?

[Asker]

It wasn’t last minute. He said “i told my friends I’d hang with them tonight” just before I arrived. Like I said we were on the phone on my journey back. It was a communication issue, and I didn't make a fuss. I kept my annoyance to myself and I told him to have a good night with his friends. Either way it can be discussed and doesn’t need to be an argument. I’d rather he was just honest w me from the get go.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok good luck. If he withheld telling you about hanging out with his friends then for some reason he kept that from you. Sounds like you are ok with him going out with his friends so Its not like had he told you that earlier you would have been disappointed. It’s him saying that it’s too late and that you were tired that had me thinking something changed in his expectations. Guess you will find out.

[slatyb]

That's beyond annoying. It's disrespectful.

[Danny_dan92]

Anyone would be disappointed and sad

[moneymagnet24]

Sorry to say but you're never his priority 😔

[Asker]

wasn’t the point at all but okay haha