Is it more cruel or more kind to date a guy you 100% will not be attracted to?

[Crimsyjo]

In my opinion when scrolling dating apps I think it is more cruel to match with someone you see no potential in. Even tho your decision is based on very limited information. They may get excited and hopes up, then you go on a date, then have to break it to them "thanks for a nice time but..."

Or.. do you disagree? In case that one in a million chance that you might like the nice guy that gets passed over? As I see guys on here complaining about all the time, to not even get a chance. Is it kind to give them a shot even tho your 99% sure you will not like them physically enough to want a relationship?

[Phoenix98]

If your not attracted to someone and have no interest in being with them or eve getting to know them to see if you'll like them then don't be everyone will be better off for it because it's a waste of everyone's time.

And having been in that position it's not a great feeling when someone looks at you like your a charity case and they're with you despite feeling nothing and not wanting to be with you and having to force themselves to feel anything.. worst feeling in the world.

[Crimsyjo]

Yes totally agree. It's just women on here seem scorned for saying can't find a good guy and told well you aren't giving guys a chance. Your only going for good looking guys. And it's not that. I mean, good looking is subjective and maybe some guys are more universally good looking and so do get more choices. But it would be cruel as I said to give a guy hope where there is certainty in the womans mind. I'm sure there are "good women" that men also can go nope really quickly over (over weight, single mum, too old, too young, etc etc).

[Phoenix98]

Mhmm, I mean don't get me wrong looks don't always matter some guys really do just have that magnetic of a personality but most of the time looks do matter to a degree at least if that makes sense.

[genericname85]

I mean what's kind about it? You're basically wasting their time cause you already know you don't want him. Like when i'm going to a date, i don't want to be given a 1 in a million chance. What is this? A pity date? Fuck that. I want to spend time getting to know a person who's genuinely interested in me and who's a realistic potential parter. Not waste it with a person who already made up their mind before the date even started.

[Crimsyjo]

Agreed

[Purpleronnie]

I don’t see how anyone could be 99% or 100% sure on anyone from their profile on a dating app on anything other than attraction based on a photograph which may or may not be a true likeness.
That being said I would never use a dating app.
Dating a guy that doesn’t immediately represent your “type” isn’t necessarily a bad thing though as let’s be fair , if your on dating apps in the first place it could be that your choices aren’t exactly working out for you in the first place

[Crimsyjo]

Well... say I don't like bald heads. Which is true. My husband had a bald head and after that relationship breaking down and his faults rightly or wrongly I now have too much association attached to a bald head. It's not a reflection on the guy or meant to be disrespectful. But.. I 100% know that it now is a big turn off and thought of being sexual with a bald gut gives me the ick.
That's a "100%" issue! So it would be cruel to match and talk and go on a date with a guy if I already know how I'm going to physically feel towards him no matter how decent he is?

[Purpleronnie]

You have “bald head trauma” 😂, well that’s up to you. It’s not like a large amount of men as they get older aren’t going to naturally loose their hair or anything.. so your good 👍. Sorry , just having a little fun. You’re entitled to your reasoning. I guess as an average looking guy who needs to rely on more than his looks to get by then I guess I’m just making a stand for guys like me but sure if bald heads have been spoiled for you then sure you do you.

[Crimsyjo]

Awww now don't go making me feel bad lol. I think guys I select as "potential" matches are all in all average guys haha. Well attraction is subjective so a guy I pass up on may be a catch to someone else.
It's just unfortunate that most guys I match with fail the next step (being decent honest guy looking to date not hook up). Which at least sounds like you have that part in the bag!

[Purpleronnie]

Sorry , back then , and just for a second I had you figured wrong I think. Attraction is subjective , and I misunderstood your attention to how a guy looks. Not everything that sparkles is precious right ? Nice guys shouldn’t always finish last. I am a decent guy , your clearly very perceptive 😊

[Crimsyjo]

I'm very open to giving guys a chance. And I understand all to well attraction can grow with time and not be instant. But in this world everyone expects instant. And nobody wants to put time in to "see". I'd be happy to go out with a guy I get on with as a friend and "see" but just matching with a guy makes them thinking u want to jump in their pants. And there's nothing worse than meeting someone only to get groped and advances you don't want...

[Purpleronnie]

I do think more than not that’s the expectation from many guys who use apps and you’re totally right. Finding anything worth while SHOULD take time , that’s the whole point , to build something. I’ve always played the long game with any woman I’ve ever intended to have a serious relationship with and some time it takes an incredible amount of self-control and that hasn’t always worked out to be in my favor. Being ‘friends’ and compatible is really important to having anything meaningful built on top. It’s vile the way some guys behave , like getting laid is the only thing that has any value to them. It’s shallow and meaningless not forgetting harmful emotionally and psychologically and perhaps even physically. I’ve thought at times I was born in the wrong era , I’m a romantic and I respect women , perhaps even placing them on pedestal’s at times. It’s such a sad sad world when that’s not valued as much as it should be.

[Crimsyjo]

I've hardly ever actually been on a date. My ex husband I met at work and was that perfect slow build of attraction. Feeling butterflies and joy seeing eachother. Was my longest relationship so I really think it's the best way to start something. After him I went on ONE date. Nice guy. Cinema. But he worked nights and working nights was a issue with my ex husband (contributing to break down of our relationship) so maybe I cut out too soon. But possibly I wasn't really ready anyways. Next I got into a relationship with a guy that started of as a friends with benefits. So no dating. Fast forward 8 years (of healing from that terrible relationship) and I have had one date with a guy that love bombed me for a week then when I finally slept with him, ghosted me. And the next guy i met in my car and he decided he "wanted" me as his girlfriend there and then. It was a bit stupid but I went along with it. We only lasted 3 months. I liked how easy he made it though (agreeing to be boyfriend/girlfriend and exclusive right up front lol). After him I went on one date with a guy totally not my type. Shorter and less masculine looking than my usual. But it was really good date and I was really happy. I think he might have been hoping for more sexually but didn't have the balls. And I want to take things slow. But after our successful date he turned all our chat sexual and revealed a desire for pegging. So I said bye bye. And felt very disillusioned over guys!
And that's it!! In my whole life. Every other guy doesn't even get to point of meeting them as they turn things sexual early on or have weird kinks or maybe ghost me because I'm clear I don't want to be sexual up front.

[Purpleronnie]

Can I just take a pause and say that you’re so easy to talk to and if you wanted to send me a message or two I wouldn’t object.

You seem to have had such a crappy run dating / relationship wise , like many I suppose , but you seem to be dealing with it in such a light-hearted way which Intrigues me a little and that I would recommend. Additionally , I have to say I’m increasingly curious because you seem so warm and personable , how can this woman have such misfortune when attracting the guy she wants / needs. I also admit to looking back through your posts and opinions in reaching this question. So in your own words?

[SixFootSexy]

Cruel, don't waste someone's time by pretending you like them.

[Crimsyjo]

Agreed!

[stark04]

What makes you think you're above him? You seem desperate too. He probably is your best and only chance in online dating. If you could get hotter guys then why would you be interested in below average guys?

[Crimsyjo]

I'm talking about if they are hot or not in a general oh my God all the girls want him kind of attraction. I'm talking about if someone is not your type. At this stage of matching it is irrelevant what they think of me. As you point out, I may not be his type either. BUT the whole question is if I swiped like on everyone instead of only ones I see potential in and THEN they swipe back and we match... that means they do like me back. And will think I like them attraction wise right? Cos that's what the apps are initially for. Matching is supposed to be a way of saying "I like what I see".
But guys on here complain at that process. That maybe women would like them more if took time to get to know them instead of a yes/no swipe.
I just think in theory it's a good idea. But the expectation of a swipe means it's less kind to give someone hope.

[stark04]

Well, You can always give them a chance. If you like them take it to the next level, if don't then no hard feelings. Works for both hotter guys and below average. Remember you owe no one anything. Be safe though.

[Crimsyjo]

I don't know what counts as below average. My last boyfriend had lovely blue eyes. Nice stubble. But he had bad teeth and overweight a bit. At 37 he was getting wrinkles - a little u know - but I still gave him a chance and the more I was around him the more attracted I got to him. I even liked the wrinkles on his face. So for relationship I am much more "forgiving" of looks esp in guys getting closer my age. BUT there always has to be enough to work with. Something appealing. a lot of guys don't seem to look after themselves or make effort to look smart and tidy...

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Depends how you look at beauty. If you're already repelled by pictures then it would be cruel, which is obvious. If you're neutral... Then that's a test?

[Crimsyjo]

Well yes that's why I said "potential". There's gonna be profiles that are a yes yes lol. But then they are probably players haha. So I evaluate carefully guys that I feel sound nice in their bio and match other things (distance etc) and then on appearance I will think hmm.. is it a 100% no (very easy in some cases) or is there a possibility of attraction? So kind of neutral. Or maybe a little above neural haha.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Please consider leaving the word player alone, you're confusing foreigners with such usage of English lol

[Crimsyjo]

Oh haha OK. Well I meant how guys here say the more universally attractive guys are classed as "top 10%" who therefore get so many women to choose from they are not going to settle down..

I personally disagree with that concept as beauty is indeed too subjective. One person's top 10 could be anothers bottom 5 lol.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I'm not sure of what to say here since dating apps, in essence, are distorting interactions in many ways, generating interpretations etc.

[Crimsyjo]

That's true. That's why there's definite guys I wouldn't be attracted to (just like some find me too overweight or old or even too big breasted for some tastes) and that's fine. For the rest... it is about saying "I could maybe like you. Let's meet and see" by swiping right. I'm aware pictures may be better or worse that reality. I don't like wasting time talking online too long for that reason. I'd like to know if we vibe then invest more time. I guess it's like you need a little attraction and a little vibe to decide to meet. Then you hope for larger quantities of both.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

It's interesting because my practice, for the past ten years, is exactly the opposite lol. As I usually remain online for ages, without any pictures to send or receive, for a long time. I understand your approach though, and maybe I'll use it, someday, minus the dating apps element though

[Anonymous]

I mean I didn’t fall in love with my girlfriend’s attraction, her character & demeanor & personality is what got me hooked so can’t really say….

[Crimsyjo]

100% it's someone you knew.. at school? Work? In your social circles ... ? That's how attraction can grow. Had that myself at work. But these days it's hard to meet someone that way (if there's nobody in your workplace). And nobody wants to put time in getting to know somebody in a social setting. Instant attraction is expected.

[slatyb]

Cruel. Never engender love you will not return.

"A false-hearted lover is worse than a thief."

[Chthou95]

It would be cruel. No matter how good his is of a person or how great his personality is, you're gonna be repulsed by him when it comes to physical intamacy. Don't do that to the poor bastard. Leave him be

[Loki97]

Cruel because people treat those who they don’t respect, bad and looks contribute to respect

[MrCharlie13]

Depends on what you are looking for and what the guy is looking for. But in most cases, it is cruel to match someone you are not compatible at all

[Bklynbadboy12]

It's definitely cruel cause if your not attracted to the person it won't work

[Lynx122]

I'd say cruel.

[Lynx122]

I saw a woman who was saying she loves her partner but she hates that he's short. But she spent years in a relationship with him when she knew from the start that it was a problem for her. Weird. This is kind of like a guy who pretends like he wants a relationship with a girl when he knows from the start that he only wants sex. It's similar. I do think men in general would like it if women had less of the superficial requirements and more personality and character ones. But that doesn't mean if you have a height minimum you should ignore it and date someone when you can never fully love them.

[Crimsyjo]

Oh good. I'm glad so far people agree with me. I just get roasted on here a lot about how "you women only go for the top 10% and then complain you can't a decent guy" and they ignore when I say but there needs to be attraction. And I'm certain I don't pick top 10% guys. I actually don't like a gut who looks too "perfect" or like classic girls dream guy 🙄. I match with guys that are like oh yes all the way to hmm.. maybe. The hmm.. maybe guys are like I see potential or maybe the pics are not good or other reason why I think well, I'd like to give them a chance in person.

Love your comparison to men using woman for sex despite knowing no long term potential. Brilliant.

[Ms_Facesitter]

Cruel. You waste his time.

[Crimsyjo]

Agreed. And get his hopes up. I'm only asking as some guys on here say we overlook guys cos of not being attractive and say it's unfair. But I don't think we can help it if we don't see potential for attraction.

[Ms_Facesitter]

If we're not attracted to them, it's not going to happen. I can't force it.

[CubaPirate]

Cruel to both of you