Is working on my grief a good excuse to not date right now?

[MizzArtFreak89]

I have a question that I’ve had in my mind for a while. Is working on my grief a good reason to not date right now? I mean I want to get into the dating world again but I don’t want to grieve too much with a guy because it wouldn’t be fair to him and I….. I just can’t deal with dating right now. I feel like I’m way too selfish to be in a relationship again. I am. I need to work on myself. I know a grief group on Facebook really helped. I might do grief share like one of my coworkers mentioned to one of the ladies, but I don’t have time to do that. I have work and a college class. I can’t get myself to be in a relationship until on work on myself more.
This Wednesday will be a year since my beautiful mom passed. I know y’all thinking a year is long enough or whatever but this is how I feel.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent we love is difficult at any age; hang in there.

You have the right to never date again if you so choose, without any excuse whatsoever. You don't need a reason; if you aren't ready, you aren't ready.

I personally think it's wise to wait a while if you just feel like a new relationship is too much work. You're in a vulnerable state right now, and I think based on what you said it would be great for you to spend some time growing into the person you will be now that your mom is gone.

Also, year two is often more difficult simply because most of the other people who knew her and you have moved on. They aren't trying to be unkind, but they think grief is more linear and progresses at an even rate. If you have a few friends who are the type to stick it out through thick and thin, let them know what you are needing from them. It isn't selfish to communicate that you are human and have needs. Arrange a movie night with them. Go for a walk or out for coffee with them and just hang out. If you want to talk about your mom, just tell them that's what you need to do. If you have the freedom to bring back those memories, cry, and process them with someone who cares about you, you'll find you'll need to do it less and less. A therapist is also a great resource to just talk and cry with if you want to spread out the emotional weight a little more. The key here is to stay connected with people who are already in your life and who know you.

Grief groups are fine, but sometimes the stress of being vulnerable around total strangers when we are at our worst isn't helpful. Not to mention the fact we are forming new and untested relationships with these people, whom we may have nothing else in common with. And when the grief fades, we have spilled our worst agony with people with whom we share no other life experiences or interests. So instead of deepening our existing relationships, we've off-loaded the hardest experience of our life onto other people who are also drowning because we're afraid of being vulnerable. Let your good friends in, if they are willing to help you hold that pain. If no one is there for you, it's time to get a good therapist and reevaluate some "friendships".

Again, I'm so sorry you are facing this. One day at a time... <3

[HollyK21]

Why do you need an excuse not to date? The reason “why” shouldn’t matter — if you don’t want to date right now then just don’t and that’s all there is to it.

[MizzArtFreak89]

Good point. I just prefer to be honest.

[HollyK21]

Sharing the reason why you don’t want to date vs making up an excuse are 2 different things. Excuses are lies, and that’s not what you’re doing.

[ohsheeT]

Well sounds like you have your head on straight and you know what you're doing so I say follow your your path follow your rules follow your heart you know when you're going to be ready...

You have to remember too that no matter what our challenges are no matter what we've been through they're put in our paths to make us think to make us stronger to make us grow there's nothing you have been through in life.. that wasn't place there to make you a stronger better person and when things happen to us we think it's the end of the world in that moment but we see is in time goes by then maybe some of the things that we've been through for the best things in the world for us because we have grown...

And you know if there's ever a moments in your day where you feel vulnerable weak or lost just remember this it's going to sound crazy and stupid but your breath is your friend breathe into your nose and out through your nose to feed your body your organs your brains your blood everything of oxygen it will strengthen every part about you I mean your breath is your friend it's what makes you live it what keeps you alive it keeps you focused and as you're breathing in and out through your nose no the energy that it gives you and the positive and the clarity that comes with it

Yeah I'm sorry to hear about your mom I just lost my mom like 8 months ago my dad about and I didn't have 10 months ago so but I know that no matter what I'll get through it because I know that they're just in another dimension they're still around me

You will know when you're ready and it would be a beautiful day

[BCRanger10]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother 🙏🙏🙏

Yes, if you are grieving something or someone. You need to be at peace if you want to get back in the dating game. You can't ultimately know unless and until you try though, so you need to take good stock of yourself and see where you are.

That having been said, I'd have to know how you're defining "grieving". It's one thing to still feel sad every so often when you remember something you did together or a birthday or something or other. That's normal. But if the grief is your constant companion, if it's always over you like a cloud, then that's when it can be a problem. That doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't feel sad. It just means that you need to address what's making you feel and think as you do and try to move forward with your life. Your parents gave you life, but to be in a consistent state of sadness is not living, not fully at least. In a way, it contradicts the role of a parent.

The bottom line here is that you should carefully discern where you are in life and what your next steps are.

And for what it's worth, I don't know what your religious beliefs are, if you even have any. But may I recommend, as a Catholic, that you look into Saints Elizabeth Ann Seton, Angela Merici, and Gemma Galgani? They are patron saints of children grieving the loss of their parents. And again, FWIW, the story of St. Therese of Lisiuex's First Communion (her mother also died when she was young). And of course, the Blessed Mother Mary! Again, just a suggestion.

Prayers for you in your grief 🙏🤗

[Avicenna]

Sounds like a good reason to me. But you don't need any reason at all to not date.

[Circushowcowboy]

I don’t think you need an excuse not to date. If you’re not in a place where you feel like dating is what would benefit you then you don’t owe anyone an explanation but yourself.

[MizzArtFreak89]

True

[NathanDavis]

you don't really need to call it an excuse...

if that's your reason, then it is a valid reason

[NathanDavis]

do take care of yourself first and your wellbeing

[Zack-Bann]

You don’t owe anyone to be dating. Not now or later.
Dating is something you chose to do for yourself and if it’s not feeling right, for any reason regardless of how “valid” it is: you don’t do it.


All the best to you

[IslaTheWitch]

it's wrong if you need an excuse to do anything in your life... have faith in yourself...

[incorrected]

Any reason that feels right to you is a good excuse to not date.

[BigTex53]

It’s your feelings that matter. Take your time, but don’t wait too long.

[Anonymous]

Any reason is a good reason. You don't owe it to date anybody. Do it when you're. Never do it again if you wish.