If a guy starts to show interest in you first and pursues you first is it only right to allow him to take the lead in everything?

[Anonymous]

Should he be the one texting first, calling first? Planning the dates or first date? Rather than you texting him or calling when you go a few days or a week without hearing from him? I know women should show interest too but is it a difference between showing interest and coming off as desperate/thirsty?

[HollyK21]

I really hope this is just a general question and not something you’re actively doing lol. There needs to be mutual effort at some capacity. If he’s not texting you for days it’s because he doesn’t want to, and for different reasons, like lack of commitment, lost interest, not feeling mutual interest or the mutual effort, etc.


The only men I think who will chase a woman to the ends of the earth like that are either desperate and willing to settle down with anyone who will have them, or they’re treating the woman like a conquest. Then once they obtain her (like finally getting her into bed), they’ll ghost and potentially be resentful that they had to do all that work in the first place.


In fact I think that’s what happens in both of those examples — eventually they’ll just get tired of chasing with no reciprocation and leave.

[Asker]

lol I mean lead and chase aren’t the same thing. I’m not saying play mind games. Like “How to get a man to chase you?” I’m not saying that. I’m saying as a woman you should always just be the woman. I’m not saying never text first. Never call first or show no interest. I’m saying do it but remember who you are as a woman. If he texts only once or twice a day or week or month. Then you do the same thing. Show the same amount interest he shows. Then it’s like you said. In due time you’ll see if he wants you truly beyond just getting in bed with you.

[HollyK21]

What part of “Should he be the one texting first, calling first? Planning the dates or first date?” Relays mutual effort?

What part of “I know women should show interest too but is it a difference between showing interest and coming off as desperate/thirsty?” Isn’t you play games? If you weren’t worried about appearing thirsty or desperate you’d just be yourself and let the right man receive your personality.

What you’re saying right now makes the most sense, but it was not properly relayed in your original post. In fact it feels like an entirely different thought piece.

[HollyK21]

“I’m saying as a woman you should always just be the woman.” What makes you less or more of a woman? Just curious.

“I’m not saying never text first. Never call first or show no interest.” But you did specifically ask if men should be the ones doing it first so this feels like a contradiction.

“If he texts only once or twice a day or week or month. Then you do the same thing.” That in my opinion is game playing. I just wouldn’t respond at all if i was only hearing from the man once a week or twice a month. How could we build anything with such little communication?

P. S this is just a discussion. Yes I picked apart your statements but just to address specific talking points with my own. Don’t want you to take that the wrong way whatsoever, which is easy to do since we don’t know each other personally.

[Asker]

Okay so my initial question had everything to with me wanting to know if the guy should take the lead in everything once he pursues you. My description mentioned how do you show interest without coming off as desperate but as I read through the comments (Yours specifically) I gained a different perspective and got the answer to my own question. I love sites like this for that reason lol. Now you said texting a guy as much as he texts you is playing mind games. I disagree because you’re not texting when he texts you hoping to make him see you differently. You continue to be you but you just match energy. If you feel he isn’t showing an ample amount of interest it could be for a very good reason. Therefore when you reach out only when he reaches out it’s not playing games. You’re going along with how things are moving along with the two you in that moment because whose to say he won’t start texting more? Now I’m not saying that should be your thought in mind but it’s a possible outcome. My point is. Don’t force anything. What’s meant to be will be. I’m not advocating mind games lol.

[Asker]

Also. I get it’s only a discussion but as you said we don’t know one another. So it was wise to put that out there.

[Asker]

Also, I could be wrong because I don’t know you and this is only an assumption but you seem to have stricter boundaries with guys and dating than me. Which isn’t a bad thing if I’m right but to me personally dating is as much about boundaries as it is about having fun. Figuring out what you like. Discovering parts of you that you didn’t even know existed. I say this to say, it must be a balance. I don’t think cutting off every guy who doesn’t text or call all day everyday is the answer to finding what you’re looking for. Unless he said or did something very specific, I don’t see a reason to cut a guy off because of that. As I said I just match energy. What’s for you will come along the way and you will know. In the meantime enjoy the ride while still respecting yourself and your personal beliefs.

[Asker]

“What makes you less or more of a woman.” Nothing makes you more or less of a woman when you are a woman genetically. You don’t have to be what you already are. Which is what I meant when I said “always just be a woman.” We are naturally feminine. We don’t have to try and neither does a man have to try to be a man. He already is that. As long as we be who we are naturally everything else will fall where it may.

[HollyK21]

I appreciate a response like this, and thank you for being respectful. I feel like when these posts are made, it opens up a platform to dissect, discuss, and potentially learn something greater which I also enjoy doing! So I’m glad you’re open to the chat without hostility, cussing me out or any of that other bullshit people do on here lol.

For sure, the way I view dating has become a lot stricter as I’ve gotten older but it’s mainly because I practiced dating with intent (and a lot of advice from my best friend who’s also a relationship counselor). Our time is important, as is who we invest it in and we can totally have fun and explore a connection while also being mindful or our time and not allowing men to waste it, or wasting their time in return if they don’t align with what we want. As women we must act in our own best interests with the same tenacity as men.

Respectfully I do think there was some confusion with your interpretation of what I said about texting, because I wasn’t implying that equal effort equates to mindgames in the slightest. What I meant is that when you’re waiting for the guy to text first, call first, and debating whether or not you’d like to do so based on his level of engagement is a mind game, because it can be so simple. For example, if he isn’t reaching out and/or communicating as much as you know you’d like for a man to, then that’s your key to either turn those conversations into in-person hangouts (assuming he just doesn’t like texting much), or you back off from him. Not try to match his energy of who can hold out on responding or reaching out for the longest amount of time. That is a game.

[HollyK21]

In response to what you just added, you say we are naturally feminine which I can agree with, but what would be the correlation between femininity and effort?

I don’t blame you for thinking this way because as women we have been conditioned our entire lives to act within a “woman’s place”. There are expectations we have that our own fathers instilled in us yet they aren’t always the most practical in this day and age. Now these things just come down to a man’s values. Like opening doors, paying for dates, suggesting said dates, good morning/night texts, etc etc, unless that’s what he wants to do then he won’t worry about what we expect them to do. Like a fuckboy or a player won’t be consistent with the effort and they won’t care whether you agree with that or not, but a real man who wants to settle down will.

We worry about doing too much or chasing men off with our efforts and it’s so exhausting. I’m fortunate enough now to be with a man who does “what men should do” and he’s always been consistent, but prior to dating him I wasn’t afraid to lose him in the sense that I over-evaluated every move I made. If I didn’t hear from him through the day, I’d reach out first rather than overthink his receptiveness, whether it looked pathetic or desperate. We worry so much about these things rather than just do it, and be ourselves. We won’t send the text, make the call or set the date if it challenges a woman’s idea of what femininity is and whether or not she’s acting within it.

[DishLady]

I mean it's not 100% absolutely necessary. You can also take a few steps towards him, however if you're more comfortable having him initiate things then that's your choice. Be sure to express yourself clearly.

[ohsheeT]

Well I think you just have to play it by ear and if you see things not going the right way for you you have to kind of jump in and kind of make it go that way for you and then that way you understand a little bit more of what he wants to but I mean I like your idea but don't be afraid to be a leader I mean jump in you have to become a part of it anyway to enjoy it anyway I think

[Evidently1]

If you want him to take the lead, you can do so. However, if a guy isn't exactly experienced in dating, a little help for him would be nice.

[Valdemort]

Usually people who wanna talk to you will find a way to talk to you. Should he be the first to do it all the time? No. If you like him, make him feel liked. Don't play games. You'll learn overtime whether he's serious or not.