Someone my boyfriend is close to revealed they don't want me around. How to deal with it?

[Anonymous]

I kind of saw something I "shouldn't have" but am glad I did.

My boyfriend was on Facebook messenger. He had his phone in view and I came over to give him a hug/kiss. Well, I saw a part of the conversation that made me really sad. He was talking to a close family member that he doesn't see often. They were talking about meeting up. They told him HE was more than welcome to come, but they did not want me around. We share a child and the child is also welcome, but I apparently am not.

I have been around this person a few times with no issues. They have not really talked to me a whole lot. I have done nothing to them personally that could justify them banning me from being at their house. I didn't even know they didn't like me.

My boyfriend's reaction was even more hurtful. He didn't seem bothered by it. He told the family member he understood and nothing would come between them. He didn't question them or tell them we were a package deal and if I wasn't welcome he wasn't coming either. He always says me, him and our child are a package deal and we're a team.

I have been really upset about this. I'm now afraid that this family member is going to try to come between us and influence him to break up with me. It makes me uncomfortable to think about my boyfriend spending time alone with them for that reason.

I don't know what to do about this. I'm super hurt though. I think my boyfriend's reaction hurt more than anything. I can't believe he didn't ask them what their reason was or tell them we were a team. He didn't defend me at all.

[DishLady]

They don't like you. So what? Are you going to hold this over the guy's head? Either you want to be with him or you don't and that's on you.

Why are you a "package deal"? You're not married. The guy hasn't married you. The family member sees you as just temporary. Having a child with a guy doesn't make you a permanent fixture in the guy's life or in the life of his family. The fact that you're WITH him and not pressed to be married is also ON YOU. There's no justification for you to be hurt when you're just letting him treat you however he wants to.

[itsannalee]

Treat people exactly the same like how they treat you

[Asker]

Good advice. I didn't know how to take this family member upon first meeting them, but I am not a judgmental type and I try my best to treat people with respect and treat others how I want to be treated. Well, now I get that this person is kind of a troublemaker I guess. I'm now very nervous about my boyfriend being around them. I fear they are going to try to manipulate him into breaking up with me.

[itsannalee]

Do you want advice?
Play smart, if someone doesn’t respect you and hate you so much. Just play gentle as a victim in front of your boyfriend. Be nice in front of him with them, and treat them the same like how they treat you when your boyfriend isn’t around. He will defend you. This is how I survive in front of my ex’s family.

[Asker]

I'm definitely not going to make it a point to be involved with this person. But I don't want our child around them either if I'm not welcome. I'm really afraid they'll try to manipulate my boyfriend into breaking up with me too.

[itsannalee]

Exactly, so before they manipulate him. Try the best.

[Asker]

If I do have to be around them, yes, I will act totally normal and treat them like anyone else.

[Asker]

Well I don't know how to do that when they don't want me around. If my boyfriend goes and hangs out with them alone, I can't give them a dose of their own medicine or anything. I'm very afraid they'll try to sabotage our relationship.

[itsannalee]

Act nice in front of your boyfriend before he meets them. Prepare something for them like foods, a little gift to tell your boyfriend that you are a good person, that you care about them. So what ever they talk about you behind you, your boyfriend would just see your kindness.

[Asker]

I just hope that works. I'm very uncomfortable with this situation. My boyfriend is fine with me right now and he's already been planning on us doing stuff that they'll be a part of. So I'll still have to see them in these public events. I will be super nice when my boyfriend is around but distance myself when he's not.

[Asker]

So I think I figured this out. Me and my boyfriend have broke up once in the past before we even had our child. It is old news. We realized how dumb it was, realized how much we really loved each other and patched things up.

Overall, everyone was very happy about that. His family (aside from this person in the question) were really happy to hear we were giving it another chance and so was my family.

I think that THAT may be why this person doesn't want me around. They are still hanging on to the past which literally did not affect them or involve them. It was between me and my boyfriend. Now I will say, I don't know what was said about me while we were broken up. He likely drug my name throw the mud big time and this person is going off of all the negative stuff they heard.

That is not fair though. My boyfriend has told me none of his family has anything to do with the past and they all like me otherwise they wouldn't want to spend time with me. Well, THIS family member clearly does not want to, so yes. Someone in his family does have an issue. But he isn't being honest to me about that. He is covering it up.

[Asker]

When I talked about the situation, he also grew hostile with me at first and tried to attack me and blame me and MY family. At first, my family was very resentful and did not like him for what happened when we broke up. Once we got back together, they were leery at first but they did get over it and they are now very accepting and happy we are together. They are especially happy about the child we share because they love being grandparents and doing things with their grandkids. So they never mention the past. They welcome my boyfriend every time we are together. They treat him kindly and with respect.

Now my boyfriend says he doesn't want to be around MY family anymore and that I can go to gatherings on my side WITHOUT him and he will use that time to spend time with the family member who has an issue with me. See, he still isn't telling me they have an issue with me though. He's covering it up.

[OneViewpoint]

I have some more bad news for you. Your boyfriend is not a man. He's a child who's afraid to set boundaries for other people and stand up for his woman. He needs other people's approval more than he needs his self respect. You should have a talk with him about that. But these sort of people seldom grow a spine spontaneously.

[Asker]

That was probably my biggest reason for being offended by all this. It's like he didn't take up for me or question them at all. He just blew it off like it was no big deal and planned a way for them to hang out without me without me knowing what was even said. He wanted to just cover it up innocently. The fact that he would tell this person no one would come between them is BS. He acts like he wants us together and says he'd never let anyone come between us, wouldn't tolerate anyone putting stuff in either of our heads, etc. He always acts like we're such a great team and that he loves me so much but yet he said nothing in this case. He never talked to me about it like a real man. He never put this family member in their place and asked why they felt the need to be rude towards me when I've never done anything to them. He never made it a point to handle it at all.

[Anonymous]

Don't you think you should ask THE REASON why they don't want to include you? Not saying it's right, but it sounds like there's a definite reason beyond just not liking you. You should find out from your boyfriend why.

[Asker]

This got me too. He never asked them why? He never questioned it. He just went with it and didn't even talk to me about it. He doesn't know I caught a glimpse of that message.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe he does know the reason why. You should ask.

[Asker]

They also said it might change in the future. So my ban may be lifted? It's like they're playing games or something.

[Asker]

It feels like I have to prove myself to them or something and get them to like me.

[Asker]

Well I think I found my reason and it is pretty insane.

Me and my boyfriend broke up for a time a long time ago before we ever even had our kid. We realized how stupid that was and that we still wanted to be together, so we let the past go and decided to get back together. Now, we're still together and even have a child now. So life is pretty alright with us.

My family was initially a little resentful during our break up because they didn't agree with some of the things he did. They were a little leery when we got back together at first, but they ended up warming up well and letting everything go. They are very kind to him. They treat him with respect every time we are together and always want him to be a part of gatherings.

He is now saying MY family hasn't let go of the past and still harbors negative feelings towards him. He says since he is not welcome and not liked, he will no longer be going to MY family's functions and will have me go alone with our kid and he will use that time to go to this family member's house.

So he is not telling me the truth. He is not telling me that this family member clearly has not let go of the past. I don't know what all was said when we were apart. I'm sure he spoke negatively of me and this family member is holding on to all of that. He told me his family had all let what happened in the past go and that they all liked me or else they wouldn't want me around. Well this family member made it clear they didn't want me around so clearly they have a problem still.

[Asker]

When I started to discuss this at first, he was rather hostile and started to try to attack me and start a fight. I didn't go for it and he did stop trying to attack me verbally and still said he loved me and that he wasn't mad at me but then he said all of that about not wanting to spend time with my family anymore.

[Asker]

It's like he's projecting. He is hiding the family member's feelings from me and trying to attack me and turn things on MY family.