What are your thoughts on making friends before getting a new relationship?

[CaitlinSims25]

I'm a woman with a learning disability and so far dating is a pain in the ass for me. I had tried online dating and it seems more bullshit. Still not seem to get any serious men there. Just jerks that I'm not interested in. I do block. I get annoyed about stranger men complimenting when I do not even know them and feel very much off putting. I'm thinking maybe it is better to put men in friends to get to know each other. So far, it is not going well. Some of the guys don't want to be friends but I also prefer to be friends first before getting into a relationship. I also had no luck with real life dating is simalar issue. i can make friends okay but the process anywhere else doesn't seem to go anywhere. What are your thoughts on making friends before getting into a new relationship?

[SteveSmith1985]

I think we've talked in the past (but you had a different username that also had Sims in it?)

It is definitely easier to be friends first. The problem is... once you're an adult... that becomes much much harder to do. Dating in high school and college is easy for exactly this reason. It's often with someone in your friend group. Or it's someone you can get to know as a friend, before trying to start being more.

Adult dating is stupid for exactly this reason. You are forced to meet (strangers) on a romantic footing. It's impossible to get to know somebody in a relaxed way, where everybody can be themselves. Both people are trying to show their best side or give a certain impression to attract/keep attention. It's stupid.

So I think your theory is perfect. And I've done this many times in the past. It's a great way to go.

The problem is... where do you go to become friends with single men? (there's nothing like school where guys are just around)

Guys on dating sites generally aren't looking for friendships. I can see that not going well.

Now, the other thing is, becoming friends with a guy won't necessarily make him have romantic feelings for you. SO it still might not go anywhere.

You don't just want any guy anyway. You want the right guy for you. Right?

So don't worry if the friendships you've tried doing this with haven't gone anywhere. That just means this guy wasn't right for YOU.

I am glad to see you again. You always stand out to me because of how hard you work on finding your right guy. I'm sure it's been frustrating and unpleasant.

From what I've seen of you, over several chats over several years (unless you're not who I think you are... then nevermind)... you've got a lot to offer to the guy you get together with.

I don't know what's wrong with these boys, but you will one day (I can't say when) stumble on that right guy. I remember you because you are someone who stands out---in a good way.

I bet that's true in real life too. Some lucky guy is out there looking for you... while you're looking for him. One of these days you'll find one another. Keep trying, and don't lose hope when things aren't going well. The right guy needs to be able to find you (if you don't find him first)

Good luck

🙂

[CaitlinSims25]

It didn't work while I was in a special education high school or vocational college being friends with men. I was love bomb when I was 13 year old from guy at time was fling type boyfriend who was overweight and has a learning disabilities but wasn't serious at all and I ended in public place at peace centre at time. College could had previous relationship but most of them ended. I go to social events in city centre and gaming events. Posting pictures of Me throughout Facebook.

[SteveSmith1985]

Just because your previous relationships in college ended doesn't mean anything. THat's quite normal. It's normal to have a bunch of people you try... who don't work out. Don't let that discourage you.

I admire you so much for the effort you put in. Going to social events in the city is a good idea. Are you able to approach guys (to become friends) and say hi at these events?

That's the only place I can see the "friends first" thing working.

The problem with Facebook pictures is... the guys who you don't know who message you would likely have romantic interest.

It really is hard to meet the opposite sex as just friends as an adult. It may not be practical to try the friends first thing.

The being love-bobed by an older guy at 13 is just messed up. That guy was just a predator. I'm glad he didn't hurt you. But don't look at that as a boyfriend. He wasn't a good guy. He was trying to take advantage of you. So look at him as some asshole. Not as someone you dated.

Hang in there... keep getting out there like you have been. I know one of these days I'll see you posting about how great your new boyfriend is.

[CaitlinSims25]

Mum comes with me when social events come up and as well of when I been dating some men and my mum will come with me to. I think I also had anxiety but I'm not sure.

[SteveSmith1985]

In a way, I'm happy to hear your mum comes with you to those events. I do worry about you, and what might happen if you run into a bad guy. Unfortunately your mom being there might make it harder to meet people (at least nobody would be likely to approach you even as a friend if your mum is with you). I'm not saying not to bring your mum. I am glad she comes with you. I'm just being realistic... that her being with you will make it a bit harder to meet people there.

Do you mean you have anxiety when thinking about approaching a guy?

or do you mean you think you have anxiety (in general about the dating thing or just in general)?

[CaitlinSims25]

My mum,& I agrue a lot about dating. I had date guys with a learning disabilities. i the emotions anxious. Also think I had anxiety with certain part of dating. I do get nervous about approaching some men. Anxious around very busy place like an Irish pubs & pubs. Is has be loud noise that make me anxious and overwhelmed.

[SteveSmith1985]

It sounds like you might have "anxiety" (in the same way a person can have "depression"). I'm basing that on you feeling that way in busy places. There are some medications that can help people with chronic anxiety. It might be worthwhile to mention this to a doctor.

Getting nervous about approaching men... that's totally normal. Everybody gets nervous in that situation. Some women refuse to approach anyone, and insist it's the guys job. (that's ridiculous. They're just too nervous to approach).

What do you and your mum argue about when it comes to dating? What does she think you should do differently?

[CaitlinSims25]

my mum is one that booked the doctor appointment and my mum doesn't think is anxiety but thinks is emotion of anxiety. i get anxious around very strong wind and storm level. my hands and i think my body was shaking and trying catch my bit a time. my mum & 1 seen inside out 2

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm glad your mum booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor will be able to determine if it's anxiety disorder, or simply you feeling the emotion of anxiety in specific situations.

I am inclined to disagree with your mum (from the things you've told me are making you feel anxious). But it doesn't matter. The doctor will know which you're suffering from. I think that, if you're able to get help for the anxiety, it'll make a significant difference in your life. It's got to be hard to go through life feeling that way due to normal everyday things (a storm, or crowd).

[CaitlinSims25]

my mum didn't booked doctor's appointment. a appointment. for anxiety but has been booked doctor's. i has go to tell my mum but my mum comes gone pass the menopause. kept forgeting.. i do typing thing down on my mental heath app. my mum doesn't seem to help with me when comes to anxiety. i had therapy in past but didn't help me much. inside out 2 did help me a lot more.

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh it's really interesting that you found Inside Out 2 helpful. I haven't seen it, but I know which movie it is, and the emotions as characters. I would love to hear more about what you liked about it. I would especially like to know how you found it helpful. I find that really cool, and interesting. I'm glad.

I have to say, even I can see that your mum isn't much help for the anxiety. I'm sure it's because she has her own thoughts and views about what's going on with you and anxiety.

From what you've mentioned to me... it sounds like it's definitely anxiety disorder (which means there are medications to help).

Luckily, you can bi-pass your mum, and get an opinion from the doctor. You really really do need to talk to the doctor about this. It's important. I think getting proper help will make a huge difference in how much you're able to enjoy everyday life.

So eventhough the doctors appointment isn't about anxiety. You need to bring up how you've been feeling, and tell your doctor. Even if your mum is with you, and tries to minimize your anxiety... make sure the doctor understands what you have been experiencing with anxiety.

Let your doctor know what kinds of things/situations have been making you feel anxious. Describe how you feel when you're in situations that make you anxious.

The doctor is the one to make the determination about whether or not you have anxiety.

I am confident that he will see that you do indeed clearly suffer from anxiety and will help you.

I think you should prepare before the appointment so you're able to say what you need to say, without having to worry about remembering everything.

[SteveSmith1985]

At minimum, you should write a list of times you've felt anxious. As well as describing how you felt.

Therapy can sometimes help with anxiety. But often it requires medication as well. Also, some therapists are going to be better than others when it comes to how good they are treating anxiety. You might need a psychologist rather than a therapist (for example)

The doctor is the first step. The doctor will be able to help you with what the next steps are after that.

You need to talk to the doctor, without letting your mum get in the way of you doing so. I think you really would benefit from some help.

[CaitlinSims25]

My mum will also come with me to the doctor and I mentioned it to one of my nurses at the time. My mum will still booked doctor appointment. I also let my older sister know about anxious.

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, it's fine if your mum is there, just don't let her shut-you-up.

And it does have to be directly to the doctor that you say this too. A nurse won't be any use. A doctor will. Just make sure you get across what you've been going through.

I didn't know you had an older sister? Yes you should absolutely talk to her about the anxiety. Is she much older?

For sure talk to your older sister. That is a great idea.

[CaitlinSims25]

That the problem I can't get my mum to shut up about it when comes up talking to t booked doctor appointment but is has been struggling with going to the doctor's appointment.

[CaitlinSims25]

I got younger sister as well of older sister.

[SteveSmith1985]

Yea, I thought it might be a challenge to by-pass your mom by talking to the doctor directly. Still, you can do it. If you are prepared with what you want to tell the doctor (the list).

Then you just have to say it all to the doctor, and don't let your mum shut-you-up (the doctor hopefully will help with letting you say what you're trying to say to him.

I don't know why, but I definitely thought you were an only child for some reason. Definitely you should talk to your older sister (she can probably help with the dating stuff too). Depending on how much younger your other sister is, you might want to talk to her too. You want as many people on your team as possible.

[CaitlinSims25]

My mum said that I don't need to go to the doctors. my mum comes with Me with social events and my mum will also come with me when comes going on date with men. I think I had certain levels of panic attacks on some of days in some of weekdays.

[SteveSmith1985]

Ohh I misunderstood. I thought you already had a doctors appointment for something else booked. You can always create some unrelated reason that results in booking a doctors appointment. I'm not trying to stress you out by pushing so hard for you to talk to a doctor. I'm just worried about you.

You had panic attacks (more than one?) this week? Do you want to talk over DM? Or you can just continue replying here. Whichever you prefer.

[CaitlinSims25]

I'm okay with pm but my mum will not let me go to doctors since I been doctors in previous. It didn't help this month but did happen on panic attack /anxiety attacks Friday 21 Feb. When I have tried in the past in has been a struggle with getting doctors appointments. my mum thinks the emotion of anxiety. The wind did cause one of them. as well of being in storm when I was at Manchester at one time on Thursday in December.

[SteveSmith1985]

I can't DM you unless you follow me firsr

[CaitlinSims25]

Ok I will

[CaitlinSims25]

Ok I had sent a follow request from your profile.

[SteveSmith1985]

Hmm I think I can be followed withou approving a request.

How about you just DM me.

If that doesn't work we'll talk here

[CaitlinSims25]

Ok I will try

[Shiprex]

It's smarter to get to know someone organically than using false apps and things that may point you in the wrong direction. Don't expect overnight success as those ones are like plants and take time to set root, grow then bloom.

[ChiTown33]

I think it's the way to go. But good luck finding people who want to move that slow in today's society. Most people are out there just looking to get thier ego stroked not get to know you.

[CaitlinSims25]

Yep can't fucking give shit about dating and fucking hookup that never want. Also had blonde hair.