He says he doesn't have strong feelings?

[frenchgirl123]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks. From day one we've been intimate, spent nearly every day together, met each other’s friends and even some of his family and childhood friends. It felt like we were basically in a relationship.

But recently, he told me that he doesn’t have strong feelings for me and that he’d rather stay emotionally connected than continue being physical. He said he would cut girls out after being intimate, so staying in contact after intimacy is new for him. He also said continuing to have sex would feel confusing for him. We still talk to each other everyday, but haven't been intimate for 3/4 weeks.

I am struggling because he says he doesn't have strong feelings, but he always makes time for me no matter what. I am trying to take his word but his words do not add up, and when we're together, everything falls into place. So yeah brutal truth please.

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, brutal truth then:

This is an unusual situation. I do totally understand why you're confused. What he has done, is not something that puts you in a situation that's usual. It's not one you (or most anyone) would know how to navigate.

First, let this be a lesson to talk about, and define; "what exactly the relationship is" earlier on. (for the future, I understand this does nothing to help now. I'm also not just trying to give you shit for no reason.)

"He said he would cut girls out after being intimate, so staying in contact after intimacy is new for him."

That tells you something about the kind of guy he is. Clearly he feels differently about you (in some way that I can't pretend to fully understand. Friendship?). Nevertheless, this is something that should "stick out" to you as meaningful. It has implications. This is not how most guys think about intimacy.

It's good that he was honest about not having strong feelings for you, if that's how he feels.

However, what he comes to as the solution is unorthodox (at least in the context of someone you're seeing and sleeping with in a way that feels very relationship-like).

So he says he doesn't want to continue sleeping with you. I commend him for that, because that would be what a guy is usually going to want to keep in a situation like this, is the sex-part. Maybe he only did it for his own sake (he'd find it confusing).

It does mean that he's not trying to take advantage of your feelings for him to get out of the "relationship stuff" and just be friends with benefits (knowing you are wanting more).

He gave you the very unusual reverse.

He wants to continue some of the relationship-like stuff (the level of communication for example). While getting rid of the sex part. That's confusing as hell. I can't blame you for being thrown off by this.

That leaves you with a guy you were seeing, sleeping with and starting to like more and more, as things were very relationship-like.

You get the surprise hurtful news, that his feelings aren't as strong as yours, and not as strong as you thought. That's a tough thing for anyone to have to swallow, and it's a little mentally/emotionally disorienting.

He makes this weird, unusual proposal to continue things (on a romantic footing? or what?) just without the sex.

Now you're still talking everyday. And wondering what the hell to do here.

"I am trying to take his word but his words do not add up, and when we're together, everything falls into place."

That is the crux of what you need brutal truth about, I think.

I do agree that his word and actions don't add up. That doesn't mean its any less clear.

The brutal truth is:

You would be setting yourself up to be hurt, if you chose not to listen to his words.

His words, not his actions tell you his true intentions here.

No guy would ever say that to you without meaning it. This guy seems to be willing to be honest with you about exactly what he feels, and exactly what he wants (but it's inherently weird and confusing). He is willing to say difficult-to-say things to you, like his feelings not being as strong.

If a guy does say words like this, he 100% expects you to take them as true.

A guy might act in a way that doesn't add up with what he says. It's totally fair to bring that up. It's a valid point.

Nevertheless, his words are what you need to listen to here. Until he is willing to SAY that he sees things differently than what he last told you, assume what he said, is exactly what he meant. He is taking it for granted that you will do just that.

So if you do call him out for this incongruency between his words and actions, it wouldn't be weird for him to be confused about what the problem is (in his mind, he's thinking "but I already told you this, what are you confused about") Because HE assumes you're going to take his words to be what he actually wants.

Now, he didn't say anything about "friends."

That leads me to think that he doesn't mean friends, otherwise that's what he would have said.

You need to decide if you are happy with this arrangement. Do you want a confusing friend who you feel "everything falls into place" with... but who is not interested in that way?

I think most people would not remain in your position. It sucks. It gives you false hope.

The brutal truth is: Unless you need a new friend, and think you two click on that level well enough to want to be friends with him... you need to end this, for your own sake. It's not fair for you to be in this position otherwise. (not fair to yourself, because it's not going anywhere)

Sorry

🙂

[frenchgirl123]

Thank you for your detailed answer, I appreciate it really xx

[Stevepro68]

Wish I could help that's an odd behavior for most guys.

[frenchgirl123]

Agreed, and thank you

[Danny_dan92]

Then he doesn’t have strong feelings

[frenchgirl123]

yup and thank for your reply