My guy friend slowly seems to be getting distant and taking forever to respond but says everything is good?

[confusedtea]

My guy friend and I started talking in January on instagram when he was out of the country. I knew him cause of his ex. They had broken up months before we started talking as she was cheating. After 3 weeks of talking and him reaching back to the country im in, he came to see me the next day after landing. We always had flirty banter. We ended up hooking up and then he and I would face time every single day all day. I went to his place after a week and then made plans to hangout for valentines for funsies. 2 days before he cut me off saying he didn't wanna continue this, couldnt be friends either cause i would get attached, it would be an issue for our future partners. I felt bad but i said ok. A month later he reached out again saying he was at fault and made a rash decision.

My initial plans was to take revenge. i realized im not that kinda person so id hear him out and decide if i wanna cut him off or not. We ended up reconciling and i told him i did catch feelings and stuff. we met up again, we're chilling. We still hookup but its only when we are drunk. (We always drink when we meet up). He is a great guy and lot of good vibes, our music tastes match etc. He is my ideal type in a boyfriend in terms of how he treats girls nd in dating. But in career and academics unfortunately it doesn't work. Im a very touchy person so i often have my legs on him when were sitting or we hug and sometimes he initiates it too.

He is on a gap sem so he is constantly sleeping in and out late nights. We dont really facetime anymore but we text daily however now im noticing he is taking longer to respond (like 2hrs +) and its beginning to bug me. I asked him if everything is good and he said nothing is going on and that he is just busy (going out every evening late nights/ morning with his group) but im confused.

Im moving back to my parents place soon so there will be more distance but I don't know what to do cause i value his company.

[Screenwriter]

This sounds like a Mr. Right Now situation. You both get something out of it, but he clearly stated he does NOT want to get attached... despite him rescinding this after he, likely, started to feel lonely..

You might be his "rebound" person and he has mixed feelings about you. You're company, and you can have sex every now and then. FWBs. Since you'll be long distance soon, this further complicates whatever you have going on.

I don't have any friends who contact me every 2 hours or Facetime me every night, but we are different gens.

I don't feel the need and am fine being by myself since I'm busy tackling tasks I need to complete. Maybe he's behind on some school work and has cut down on messaging..

But what worries me about you two is the fact that you are always drunk when hooking up. Doesn't sound healthy. And I'm wondering if either or both of you have a dependency on alcohol. Or a hangup about sex. Drunkenness dulls the senses. You want to be all there and feeling everything when having sex. Sounds like you two want to anesthesize yourselves. This bodes ill.

Think about what's going on between you. There are some bad signs.

[confusedtea]

Yeah... I usually limit alcohol to once a week cause I dont wanna get dependent nor do I drink alone. If im with family or going for a dinner its just one drink. if im with him its 2-3 cocktails and our plan is just to chill, have a conversation about random stuff and vibe to music. Times when we ain't drinking or im at his place after staying the night we just listen to music, go for a badminton session and thats it. We dont have much to do otherwise. I come after working and school (i do like 20hrs a week and 4 courses at a pretty hard university. I also have adhd and anxiety issues which peak my stress levels). Part of me craves companionship so im getting what i want from it. He on the other hand is out with his friends almost everyday smoking weed 4-5 times a week and or drinking. Thats not something i want to become or do with my life. I use the time i meet him or go with friends to relax, numb myself from the crap happening in my life.

We both talk about just going with the flow. I dont know if i want a relationship but i know i want someone to talk to and chill with.

In conversations I've realized im not someone he would date and given his lifestyle (we have similarities for living a great life with partners etc and we both like parties and going out. Im more on balancing work-life and work hard play hard, he seems more constant parties and wanting to try drugs).

[Screenwriter]

"Numb myself from teh crap happening in my life.." Since you have adhd, a counselor /therapist would be a good use of your time. Numbing yourself is the least way to deal with stress or crap, as you deem it.

This guy is a drug addict. Why are you hanging around with him? Surely, you can find better people to be with. Not drinking alone has nothing to do with not being alcohol dependent. Two to three drinks per week is considered the limit of alcohol consumption. per week. Four to five for men. He drinks every night AND uses cocaine AND smokes weed.

It would be better for you to stop seeing this guy. He isn't good to be around as he isn't a healthy person. I wish you luck on getting to a better space with your stress.

[HollyK21]

Here’s the thing, you guys crossed the line and once you did that it took the platonic nature of your relationship completely out of the picture. Admittedly you have romantic feelings for him, flirt and all sorts of things that simple friends don’t and shouldn’t do.


I think he’s doing the right thing by stepping back because your feelings for him are only increasing (as much as you may be in denial about that) and he doesn’t want a relationship. As much as you’d like to be cool with only sex and company, as women we can’t connect so intimately with men and keep things status quo forever. Eventually you will want more and you’d have to really feel no connection to him outside of good sex and that is no longer the case. You have plans to move, focus on that. Your connection with this guy is stagnant and can’t go anywhere else except wasting each others time.

[ProbablyClueless]

It sounds like the relationship has just drifted into what it will be. Before he was making an effort to establish the connection. Now that the connection had been established, you're seeing what the relationship actually looks like from a day to day, practical standpoint.

[spartan55]

Seems like you think he is your boyfriend...🙄

[confusedtea]

I know he isn't lol, but also i think among friends its common to think when someone pulls away right?

[spartan55]

You sure aren't acting like he is a friend. Stop lying to yourself.

[In_Trance]

Have you slept with him?

[yotaman99]

Seems like a tough one