Is this a bad sign if it doesn’t turn her on?

[Anonymous]

so my girlfriend says that it doesn’t turn her on when she eats me out and it just makes me upset like how can you be in love with me and it doesn’t turn her on when she always used to do it with her ex-girlfriend’s, I just don’t understand. How can you be in love with me if you don’t even enjoy it I mean if I eat her out, she loves it, but she doesn’t like kissing me or cuddling with me or basically anything, unless it just involves her, she blames it on being in a abusive relationship, but I don’t know

[SteveSmith1985]

I can totally appreciate why you're upset, and feeling the way you're feeling. I do think this is a bad sign.

Also... It's not just that it doesn't turn her on... it's the whole way she looks at it.

I think like you do. It's a turn-on to pleasure your partner... and I would be feeling exactly like you do, if I were having this conversation about oral sex with my girlfriend. I do totally totally get where you're coming from.

I would say, that some people might look at oral sex differently or look at some sexual acts as "a duty" for the sake of their partner. I just don't get those people. But they exist.

So to be honest, I tend to talk to a lot of women/girls on here about situations with guys. I am trying not to let the fact that you're two women change what I would say. I do feel somehow like It's less "my place" to point out what I'm about to say... but it shouldn't be. If you were talking about your boyfriend, I wouldn't hesitate, so I'm not going to hold back here.

I really really hate, how she kept saying that your being nervous is a turn-off. Like I really hate that.

I have literally never heard of someone saying that TO their partner. Especially repeatedly. And as an excuse/reason for why she didn't get turned on eating you out... which she is aware you're upset about.

That's... fucked up. It really is.

It would take a really manipulative or cruel guy to say that to a girl. Especially one who is upset about what you're upset about.

It sets off serious alarm bells for me to see her say that to you three times in this short conversation. It almost seems... deliberately cruel. It's something nobody (healthy) would say to someone they care about.

You are far from the first girl to be self conscious. Especially when it comes to the most intimate of moments. There's a vulnerability in that self consciousness, that is... not something people take lightly in a situation like that.

Your being self-conscious and nervous in such an intimate and vulnerable moment, is something that everyone knows is sacred ground. The worst locker-room-douchbag might brag about his sex life; but that's off limits. That would be too far. For even a scumbag to talk about with his friends. There may be all kinds of detail...(true and made-up)... but the fact that you were nervous and self conscious would stay between the scumbag, and the poor girl he's telling his friends about in detail. Not that detail. Not to anyone.

No guy I know of has said that TO a girl and told her it was a turn-off. That seems calculated to be cruel.

If you're nervous and self-conscious... being told that its a turn-off is going to make you feel... nervous and self-conscious! Obviously! And it's going to make you feel like shit. Make you feel worse. It's going to hurt you. And she knows that.

She knows that saying that to you, repeatedly is not going to help you suddenly be not-nervous or self-conscious. I cannot understand why anybody would ever say that to someone they care about. It seems... abusive. Manipulative.

It's your fault that it doesn't turn her on to eat you out.

She even says "she used to" enjoy it in the past. but your nervousness is a turn off. That and the fact that she's not a lesbian and it's been 5 years since she ate pussy... but she'll do it for you.

She was super duper clear about that. She'll do it, but not because she enjoys it. But because you do. It's a sacrifice she's willing to make for you. See how good she is to you? (aren't you lucky).

You said she doesn't kiss or cuddle.

I hate the way she talks to you. In general. All of it. The way she is about this with you. The way she turns things around on you. The way she's so mean in a really intimate way.

"My sexual enjoyment of our most intimate moments, is ruined by your being nervous and self conscious"

'What the actual fuck.

People do not say that to people. Even if they don't care about them. It's just cruel. And nothing else. It's not helpful in any way. It's just hurtful.

Its something that shouldn't be true. She should care about your feelings. She should be trying to make you feel less self-conscious. She doesn't kiss you, or cuddle you, but

I don't want to use the word "abusive"... just because I don't know enough about your relationship to say that. (and it would be emotionally abusive, if it were).

But this is really not a good relationship for you.

If she is at the point where hugging, cuddling and kissing are things she has an aversion to... that's fair enough. But she is not in any place to be in a relationship. Those things are basic parts of affection. If she has been unable to enjoy/endure them, that is not fair to you. You deserve a girlfriend you can cuddle with, and kiss.

I don't know how long you've been together. I don't know if I'm judging your girlfriend unfairly. And if I knew more about your relationship, I would see she's really not who I think she is.

I have never ever heard anybody telling their partner that their nervousness and self-consciousness was a major turn-off. People go out of their way to not ever say that. They don't even say it to people they'll tell details to.

You know, actually, I know someone on here, a woman, who had a sexual situation go horribly... because the guy was self-conscious and nervous. It went disastrously. In this case, there is no doubt that nervousness and self-consciousness were a problem. (its worse than you are thinking)

What did she do? She was kind, understanding, reassuring, made the guy feel like he didn't have any reason to be nervous or self conscious (except, now, at that point... he literally does have a reason to be nervous or self conscious).

I was telling her earlier today, that it was incredible that she managed to make this guy feel totally totally ok (evidently). I told her I would have been scarred for life if I were her new boyfriend. She cares about him. She cares about his feelings. She was empathetic with how he must feel. That's what you're supposed to do if your partner is nervous and self-conscious. That IS what people do. All the time. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

This really bothers me. I don't know why exactly. It's not the most heinous thing I've ever heard of. It's something about her being cruel about seeing you at your most vulnerable.

There is a intimate trust inherent in being self conscious because you hope she doesn't find any leftover bits of toilet paper; and that she doesn't think it stinks. That by the way, is so common as to be nearly universal. I can't tell you how many times I've had a girl ask exactly those things (as well as taste) after the first time eating her out. It's this human moment of vulnerability that only exists because you're sharing this extremely intimate sexual experience together. It hits this nerve for me. I think it's wrong. Sorry this ended up so long.

I hope you find a girlfriend who treats you with more kindness. A girl who wants to hold you; to cuddle and kiss. Your girlfriend should make you feel beautiful and sexy when you're feeling nervous and self-conscious. She will enjoy eating you out, for the same reason you do. Because you get pleasure in giving pleasure, and find your partner sexy as hell.

[Entertained_Adult]

Good morning, materialistic fuckwittery (literally)

Absolutely, love = arousal during woman licking another's pussy.

There's nothing deeper than that. ﾠ

[HollyK21]

I think your girlfriend has played all her cards appropriately. She communicated her boundaries, was transparent about both her trauma and not being a full lesbian, and tried explaining that she hasn’t “performed” in years. You are taking this personally because apparently in your mind, how much someone does or doesn’t enjoy specific sexual acts equates to how much someone does or doesn’t love you. In my opinion that’s toxic. Your texts don’t seem receptive to how she’s expressing herself at all and very dismissive with your LOLs and “well back to shopping”, like you are passive aggressively showing distaste and it shows a lack of emotional maturity. I’d advise you either be more receptive and patient, or leave her for someone who can do what you want them to do.

[Effably]

I mean... the remark about not being a lesbian aside, isn't it said repeatedly?

The turn on for her is your reaction. If you are insecure and not having a visibly great time, that enjoyment is lowered.

Not saying to put on a show but the simple solution here is to not care so much about her, be a bit selfish and focus on your pleasure. And that should do it for making her into it, based on texts.

Obviously for bonus points, a few well - or poorly - chosen words here and there could make her feel like an extra good girl.

[shortster]

I think that it is a sign she isn't a lesbian and that is a bigger issue.

[itsannalee]

Maybe she just not in the mood