Why did she led me on? I believe she wanted to be friends but maybe after seeing me cry she felt guilty?

[Anonymous]

Met a girl through a dating app. After 2 weeks of chatting and a few video calls, we met in person.

1st date: She brought me a home-baked cookie.

2nd date: She said, “I’ve friendzoned a lot of guys.”

3rd date: Went cycling. She said, “You’re putting me on a pedestal,” and that I was too serious. I asked what we were—she said she liked me but was unsure.

4th date: In her car, we got personal. She shared she had led a guy on and cried about it. I opened up, told her she was kind and humble, and that I really liked her. She held my hand and interlocked fingers. Later I said I saw a future with her—she replied, “Me too.”

We messaged daily and video called twice a week. She opened up about a guy she only met twice in 6 months but was obsessed with—said he “messed with her head.” I think that shaped how she treated me.

5th date: She let me hold her hand but later removed my arm and said, “Let’s be friends.” Then said, “I shouldn’t have said that.” Confusing. Later I met her brother and friend at bouldering.

Over Christmas, she became distant. On a call, she ended things: “I’m not attracted to you.” I cried—she saw but looked away. Then said, “We can be friends.”

6 months later, I reached out. She admitted she knew by the 2nd date she didn’t feel it. I sent a heartfelt message—told her I loved her, called out the mixed signals. Her reply: “Sorry I hurt you. Good luck in your search.” I messaged again saying I was struggling. No reply.

Later, I asked to be friends again and wanted her to hear me out. Her final message: “Thanks for the apology. I think this is a good point to leave things. All the best.”

I’ve struggled with the loss of her, but now I see I created an image of the person I wanted her to be. She wasn’t the kind, caring, humble person I thought she was.

So I've had to process a lot of this on my own, I guess it's just trusting this person and they ending up just throwing everything away.

[HollyK21]

“She wasn’t the kind, caring, humble person I thought she was”, why, because she lost interest? Dude, she tried letting you down several times and so nicely.

At best I’d say as of date 2 she was indecisive, which I won’t hold against her because you’ve got to spend time with someone to know if you want to continue or end things. That’s what the dating stage before getting into a relationship is meant for — determining if you will be a match. Once you decide it won’t be a match that’s when you cut things off. Everyone should be able to do this without being vilified as you have done against her.

Anyway, once she knew that she wasn’t interested she was transparent about it. She didn’t ghost, didn’t leave you confused how so many would to a person they aren’t exclusive with, she gave you closure. Even after you cried she offered friendship. When you reached out 6 months later, she could totally have ignored you. Instead she gave you MORE closure, MORE clarity. She apologized again, wished you luck in your search. You just didn’t like the finality of it all, so you guilt tripped her, talking about how you were struggling (which is no one else’s responsibility but your own by the way) — she had the right to leave you alone at that point dude, she’d done more than enough for you at that point. Yet YOU couldn’t let go, so you asked for friendship, asked for her to hear you out, just being far too selfish, centering yourself and what you wanted vs what she was trying to do.

You went on to get MORE CLOSURE in the form of “thanks for the apology, I think this is a good point to leave things, all the best”. Like this woman has been such an Angel to you in an effort to end things, with a man she owes nothing to. Leave her alone now.

My advice is to start doing some self reflecting. If a talking stage had you that crushed, you fell in love and all that it’s arguably a bit creepy and you should seek professional assessment. Maybe you’ve got some unhealed trauma to address rather than blaming how you handle rejection on someone else.

[Asker]

Nope, there is certain stuff I couldn't write in the initial post because of the character limit. So after I reconnected with her 6 months later, we had a 2nd call where I clarified to her we can be friends because I felt like she was distancing and she didn't want to meet up, and the thing is it was her idea to be friends she said it on 2 occasions. Now thats probably my inexperience but when someone says they want to be friends with me I take that seriously, but for her it was soft let down and she didn't actually mean it. I would have rather her have been honest and just said, hey, I'm really sorry but I'm not feeling this. I don't think it's a good idea to stay in touch and I hope you find the person you're looking for" but she didn't. Also on that 2nd call, she actually told me she led me on, and I asked her when did she know by and she said the 2nd date. So then why hold on my hand on the 4th date, why continue to keep seeing me, and having video calls and messaging. She knew what she did was wrong, she knew I had strong feelings for her and she let it carry on, she should have stopped it from the 2nd date. And on the break up call she said I shouldn't be telling you this but I got into dating because I was lonely. So she was just using me to an extent, also she didn't tell me on the break up call that she led me on, she wasn't even going to admit that. And that's what made it worse for me, because it made me think what's wrong with me. She only told me she led me on after the 6 months. There is a lot more to this story.

[Asker]

Also she never apologized for leading me on, she just said that statement like it was nothing. I led you on, there was apology and no accountability. The only time she apologised was after I sent that long message to her with my feelings and calling her out on her actions, she led on an ex before me and she did the same to me, she didn't learn her lesson and I called her selfish. She knew she didn't have feelings from date 2 but kept things going just to soothe her loneliness.

[Asker]

And even when she apologised, it was just one sentence. Sorry I hurt you, good luck on your search. That's not a real apology. It's a way to shut things down and avoid guilt, she even spoke to her parents about me and they even told her what she was doing to me was wrong. So yea looking forward to hearing your response after knowing these facts.

[HollyK21]

I’m not going to read any of this until you respond to this so I can see that you will do so more promptly. I made this comment days ago, and would rather not come back to it every other few days to engage in lengthy conversation. I’m just not interested enough in your life or this topic so yeah, let’s see when you get back to this first.

[SueShe]

What I read just confirms my opinion of those dating apps. They are actually more hookup sites than anything else. A lot of bots, fake people and also some, like this lady that have probably been hired to get the maximum out of a person. You fell into that trap and now, you are paying the price for it.

If you see that after the 3rd. or 4th. date that this person is leading you on with statements that are possibly contradictory, then you simply cut off the relationship. You don't wait 6 months hoping that she will revert her decision. Asking the right questions would have avoided you a lot of heartaches.

The second she stated that she led a guy on would have been the second you should have realized she is only playing with you. You should have ended that story right there and then.

[Asker]

Yea there is a lot missing from this as I could only put in 2000 characters. But yea I agree, she was the first girl I had ever dated and I put her on a pedestal. I see everything clearly now that time has passed. When she told me she led someone else on that should have been a red flag and I should have walked away but by that point I was too attached.

[Anonymous]

Dude, she told you from the beginning she was nuttier than squirrel turds. It's fine to make the first move with a woman. But NEVER put more energy into her than she willing to put into you. I'm sorry man but you were asking for this from women like her. LEARN FROM THIS! And don't make this mistake again.

[Asker]

Yep I know, I fell for her hard. I've definitely learned from this

[Avicenna]

Sounds like she is an attention seeker who never had any intention of actually pursuing anything.

[Asker]

Yea I think she just craved attention and validation, instead of cutting it off early she kept it going to get an ego boost.

[Abbycado]

Why are you reaching out 6 months later after it was clearly over? You need to let it go.

[Asker]

There is a lot to unpack, and I couldn't fit it all into the 2000 character limit. So basically she said she wanted to be friends and see where things go on the 5th date. The 6th date - we went bouldering and she invited her friend and brother. So after the bouldering, it was just me and her hanging out. She was giving a lot of mixed signals. On the break up call, after I cried she said we can be friends. So she said the friend thing twice, now the first time she probably meant it then the 2nd time it was more of a let down and lets go separate ways. I thought her friend request was genuine because she brought her friend and brother along to meet me. So in my mind, I thought we would always have some sort of connection, we would always stay in touch. But then she started to slow fade, also I said to her that I needed a break from her and when I'm ready to be friends I'll contact her and that was 6 months later. So thats why I contacted her 6 months later, and she did have a few video calls with me but then slow faded and that hurt.

[In_Trance]

The third date is where you should have ended it.
You move too slow

[Asker]

Yea I had put her on a pedestal and didn't see things clearly, she was the first girl I had seriously dated and had all the qualities I wanted in a partner back then. I just wanted it to work.

[Woke51]

You have a lot to learn

[Asker]

I've learned a lot my friend, this was my first real experience dating a girl. Never to put up with this behaviour ever again.