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This girl at work led me on for 7 months I asked her out and she said no which I'm fine with. I mean I have to call with it. Now she avoids me then comes back to me. After all that now she just gives me eye daggers.
Wtf? I left her alone respected her privacy and she behaves like a child, so immature.
It's making me a annoyed to deal with it.
Wtf? I left her alone respected her privacy and she behaves like a child, so immature.
It's making me a annoyed to deal with it.
What Girls Said
I was going to ask how she led you on but I don’t know how relevant that is. All I can say is that it’s possible you misread or misinterpreted her actions, maybe even her body language. I suggest this because personally, I’m well aware of the fact that I can come off as flirty or whatever to men but in my mind, I’m being myself. I’d flirt very intentionally if I wanted to and in those instances I never was.
In the case that you are correct though and she was leading you on, she could’ve just been enjoying the attention or the dynamic without wanting anything since you two are coworkers, which you should understand at least a bit. Coworkers can be messy, gossip, and you two both have reputations to uphold that can be more important to her than you. In any case, now that you done a 180 and cold to her then it’s likely just annoying and awkward to her. It can be frustrating when guys make such drastic switches because maybe you had a certain intention in mind, but she may have genuinely been considering you a friend and now it’s not real.
So what do I do now? She’s really been pissing me off but doing other things (won’t go into detail) I’ve not responded to her bait nor will I.
Would you consider talking to her about all this? Like clear the air, tell her you don’t feel any kind of way about her and there’s no need for her to be that way?
Yh I was thinking to talk to her and asked a few friends. She showed my text message to people because I accidentally spilled a drink on her. It was by accident. I apologised and even when I saw her next I made sure she was ok. She showed people my text asking her out for drink right in front of me and acted like she didn’t do anything wrong.
I want to talk to her to clear the air but feel like she’s already done soo much damage I feel like what’s the point.
If I were to talk to her, what can I say?
Honestly i don’t blame you because that’s immature af, like why does she need to show that text? That’s no one else’s business and makes it look like she doesn’t get asked out much lol but I digress. Having this in mind, you don’t owe her anything, honestly you could just be cordial and ignore her aside from that. But if you would like the lessen the tension, you could find your own way of pulling her aside and basically being like “look, I’m feeling like there’s some weird vibe between us and I don’t want that to be the case when we are at work. I have nothing against you, I asked you out because I thought you were cool but I’m not mad you said no. I’d really appreciate it if you stopped the nonsense, like talking to other people about me because at this point I’m just tired of hearing about it. I’d like to squash whatever this is we have going on and move on”. Something to that extent would suffice, but again you don’t even have to do that and could just ignore her when it’s appropriate.
I do want to lessen the tension tbh with you. At the same time I might be paranoid here but just go with it.
I think she led me on baited me into this (which I fell for) I found she has a boyfriend and then stopped bothering her as I felt used. I offered a olive branch about the drink and said to her are we cool. I yielded to her and I think she expects me to do it again. I do t want to look weak or anything like that or for her to then spread this around and for her to say look who came back and said this. I think she wants to ruin my reputation at work as everyone sees me as the fun and happy guy (when I heard about this stuff I was sad and people asked me what’s going on, you’re normally happy)
Like you said I don’t owe her anything. I’ve been thinking in my head is she even worth it?
Oh wow, I can’t lie that is a tough spot. Well first of all, I think you acted the right way, however everyone’s interpretation of that is different. You extended the olive branch just to show there was no hard feelings and she ran with that, very immaturely.
My suggestion with this is to send no more texts, then there’s nothing for her to potentially showcase. Approach her when you find a free moment, maybe after work or even on Friday, so if things don’t go quite right you have the weekend to brush it off. Anyway, if you choose to speak face to face, then I would go with something along the lines of what I said before. Don’t invite her out or anything, it’s just clearing the air and asking for maturity in this situation. You can say that you two don’t even have to talk — in all honesty you’d rather not lol. But you just don’t want the hostility and tension between you two in the workplace.
If you decide she’s not worth the conversation then that’s also fine, but the next step is something you’d have to work at, and it’s to stop fueling the situation by giving her any attention. From my personal interactions with people like her, I’ve found that if I ignore their presence entirely unless I have to talk, then it’s them who cracks and comes to me. Why? Because they are the one with the problem, not me, and it’s their conscience making them feel whatever emotion they’re harboring towards me. I have no problem owning up to my wrongdoings no matter what they are, and if you felt you could’ve handled something differently then maybe that’s your incentive to talk to her. But if your hands are essentially clean then a convo with her is really just to break the ice, but not a necessity by any means. You’d just go into work, do your job, and leave. That’s what you’re there for anyway, not to make friends on purpose and not to partake in her foolish drama. So whatever route you take is your choice and you’re not wrong for either.
Lastly, if you do decide to talk to her and she is anything other than receptive and mature, then let that be the final time you speak to her aside from work related topics. Treat her like a ghost and try not to let that action make you feel uncomfortable or weird. Even if you feel like shit, exude confidence, keep being your happy self and let her see that she has no power in this situation. If anyone brings her up, change the topic, if she has the nerve to approach while you’re with colleagues, don’t let her intimidate you, stay there and ignore her. Hopefully she would get the message and this whole thing will fizzle out if she doesn’t break first and try to talk.
I am so grateful you answer my question, honestly the sympathy you showed made me feel 1000% better. The thing is when i went to apologise about the drink i thought that was her chance to own up about her stuff (showing the text) i feel like i gave her a chance and she blew it. She’s trying to make me mad or get a reaction. I would like to say something along those lines but yh i feel like ignoring her has been working for me, i just have to stop giving her any attention at all.
I don’t think she wants to talk to me anymore which is good and bad because i did get along with her but found out she was deceptive and was wearing a mask. I think I’m just going to ignore her and I’ve not texted her anything since that drink. The last thing i said was if anything changes let me know.
I’ve also been a little bit paranoid because if she’s making it in to a big deal like this, making co workers go on her side, i think will she go to hr or my manager to mess me up? I know i didn’t say anything romantic or sexual in the text nor had my behaviour ever been like that towards her. I’ve left her alone & will continue to leave her alone.
Bless you Holly for lifting my spirit 🙏
Plus i don’t want to address/talk to her because she’s giving me eye daggers abs talking about me because it just shows her she got to me and can get to me.
No problem at all! I’ve had that sort of uncomfortable dynamic with a coworker twice before and I recognize how harmful it can be to your mental health. That’s why I think just ignoring her if you don’t want to have a conversation is the best route. If she knows any better she will leave you alone, otherwise you could be the one going to HR to complain about the hostile work environment, ask for anonymity and by law they have to comply. If the nature of your text was as casual and friendly as you imply, then your coworkers noticed as well and didn’t actually care, any smart person can tell what a pick me girl looks like lol. Hopefully this whole thing dies down soon but until then, try not to let it phase you and show that with how you act at work. Are your coworkers being the same towards you?
I don’t want to go to HR as it does expose me. Although it was casual nothing romantic i just don’t want it aired more than it is. Yh i think ignoring her should help her get the message. Actions speak louder than words. Co workers just showed me they ain’t with me soo i can be free from them now. I might be by myself but i ain’t got no more fakes
The first thing I said to her was her it’s me are you free for a drink next Friday at this place.
She says I’m busy with work uni and going on holiday and not sure when I’ll be free.
Soo i say good luck with everything and if anything changes let me know.
That’s literally word for word what I said.
Hmm. So I want to be very honest with you and hopefully it comes across the right way, but I feel like you’re just backing yourself into a corner when you don’t have to.
If she’s going around slandering you (or whatever is being spread around work), that’s her creating hostility in the workplace. Yes going to HR may expose you, because I guess who else would say anything about her behavior but you. However I think you’re too afraid of ruining an image of yourself she’s trying to mess up anyway. You don’t want to look like the rat or give her more ammunition, I understand. But I think it’s better to compartmentalize things — work and home. You go do your time at work, and need to be able to navigate that comfortably, even if it means exposing her for what she’s doing. Then you go home from work to the people that actually care or at least have relevance in your life off the clock. You don’t have to go to HR now, but essentially what I’m saying is stop creating an unnecessary fear around the aspect of doing so if you have to. You’re making work a jail that she runs, and that has to stop. Act accordingly when you need to so that you can get through those hours of the day, then go about your life. Maybe even start looking at other jobs in earnest, if it gets you out of this.
Oh also for the text you sent because I forgot to include that lol. With context, it seems very harmless and as though you’re extending an olive branch. Without, I just see you asking her out for drinks and maybe she got the wrong idea, like you asked for a date. Unfortunately texts can read a way you don’t intend. Like mad or any given emotion when that’s not the case. To be clear, I stand by what I said about her being immature because that’s what her way of handling this was. But I can’t say your text couldn’t have given the wrong impression.
Maybe If you’d mentioned wanting to clear the air by doing a casual thing, it could’ve interpreted differently, and I don't know maybe it’s just because you’re a guy. Like if a female friend of hers would have asked this it wouldn’t have warranted anywhere near her response. Unfortunately men don’t often get that Grace.
We work in 2 separate departments by 2 different companies. I am thinking if i talk to her and say something along those lines of squashing it, that could help.
I was also thinking if i get her and her manager in a room and explain the situation saying it’s all confidential this is what is happening and as I had already spoken to the girl when i apologised about accidentally knocking over the drink, i feel it’s necessary to get you her manager involved. Or getting my manager also included in the discussion as it avoids hr and the higher ups then know. But then again i feel like maybe i should just speak to her one on one.
I am tired of her bs. At the same because I’ve cut contact she’s trying anything even being toxic to get my attention and I don’t want to give it to her.
I was even thinking to text her “look, I’m feeling like there’s some weird vibe between us and I don’t want that to be the case when we are at work. I have nothing against you, I asked you out because I thought you were cool but I’m not mad you said no. I’d really appreciate it if you stopped the nonsense, like talking to other people about me because at this point I’m just tired of hearing about it. I’d like to squash whatever this is we have going on and move on”.
That way Air is clear there is a record of conversation. But i don’t know if texting her is the best option
No more texts, please do not send any. Just keep your distance as you’ve been and let the situation blow over. You’re not a guilty person, so don’t own guilt. By that I’m saying you don’t need a record, she has nothing to leverage over you or anything to take to HR. If those are things you’d like to say in order to clear the air, tell her to her face. Otherwise, keep doing what you’re doing and ignore her.
I think she is telling everyone thinking i will own the guilt and come towards her to clear the air and then possibly use that against me. I’m just going to stay away from her.
The thing is people really like me in the office they say I’m a nice and happy person, i get along with almost everyone and they buy me coffee or give me chocolate and stuff like that. Where no one does it for her or she won’t get it like i do. I did speak to her when we were ok and she seams jealous. I don’t like thinking like that but i can’t ignore it.
The thing is i don’t know what to do when she is giving me eye daggers. I could be mean like her and say things which could be cunning but i don’t want to be like that. It’s not me. I feel like I’m in the movie mean girls 🤣
Even saying you feel like you’re in the movie Mean Girls speaks to how immature this how thing has become, given they were in high school lol. Today is Sunday, so when you go back into the office tomorrow I think the goal should be doing so with an entirely different perspective.
For one, I hope we could both agree that maybe you’ve troubled yourself with this situation more than it deserves. I don’t blame you for that, at one point in my life I worked at a women’s only facility, and as a result I dealt with all sorts of drama where I was so uncomfortable going to work, I literally cried one morning because I hate confrontation and drama lol. But remember what I was saying about playing the same game? When I shifted my mindset to just not giving so much of a f*ck and basically ignored them unless we had to talk, everything changed.
So when you go into work tomorrow, do your best to take her off your mind and focus on what you’re there to do which is your job. It sounds like you have good rapport with everyone else, don’t let that one leech drain you. That is what gives her power over you more than anything else.
I can sense that you’d rather not have the tension, which is why I suggested a convo. I do worry you may be overthinking how this would come across as you looking weak or like she won or whatever, but this isn’t about winning or losing, it’s not even about how she and others would perceive you stepping up. It’s just maturity and trying to create a better vibe between you two since you spend the whole week & most of the day in each other’s presence. If you can’t bring yourself to do it though, then that’s totally fine, but you can’t go into work thinking so heavily about this as you’ve been. It’s too much unnecessary stress. Keep your distance, give her no more attention and focus on the people you are positive, which is everyone else but her. She’s one person.
You’re right I’ve let this consume for far too long and longer than I want to admit. I still like her. I think I’m messed up. I’m just trying to work on my self respect, boundaries and esteem by going to the gym. I don’t want care or give a F but I just can’t seem to shake it. Haven’t seen her as of yet but I can sense that the co workers who do know have chosen their side. I just feel betrayed and it hurts.
I truly doubt anyone has chosen any sides. You are all grown adults, some probably older than you. Because you are so bothered and in your head about the situation, you are convincing yourself of all these wild things that without sound evidence are just assumptions on your behalf. Like do you really think these adults are coming in for their shifts talking about you asking her out for a drink? Lol I promise no one cares, so please stop letting her make you paranoid, Lally.
I figured that you still had feelings for her, otherwise I think you’d have a much easier time navigating the situation. But I can understand that working together makes it hard to move on in general. I’m not sure there’s anything I can say that would make you put what happened behind you. If you won’t have a conversation with her because you’re afraid of how she or anyone else will perceive your actions, and you also hold yourself back a bit when it comes to detaching from that negativity then you will continue to make things harder on yourself. My last suggestion would be to start looking for a new job, maybe a different environment and clean slate would do you good and give peace of mind. But I’m not sure how feasible that is for you.
I’ve been looking for new jobs to apply to. I’ve also realised that I was a simp and that’s why she initially like me or the attention from me. Now that I’m not giving any I’m getting cold shoulder and silent treatments. In a way I feel a weight has been lifted. I just spoke to a friend of mine about this and the realisation made me see there was nothing between me and her. I was feeling like I still like her but now after hearing that I was a sumo and that’s the only reason why she entertained me, I feel like I can move on knowing that it never meant anything.
I remember you mentioning that and I’m sorry to hear it, the whole cold shoulder thing is super uncomfortable at work. Her calling you a sumo is especially rude as well but keep in mind she’s also in a relationship, so she wouldn’t have been available regardless. Anyway, it’s good you’re looking for another job. Hopefully something comes up sooner rather than later but until then all you can do is keep your distance and try not to let it bother you. Don’t talk to any more coworkers about her, friend or not. It just fuels the situation and you’re trying to rise above it.