Long distance. But have seen each other in person, but after six months, he still wants to see where things go. Is that a red flag?

[Anonymous]

Is it necessarily a red flag after six months of talking and seeing each other in person a couple of times but he still says he wants to see where things go and he doesn’t know what the future looks like and he can’t tell me where we stand at least right now. We talk everyday

[HollyK21]

After 6 months, he knows. I think in your heart you know that he knows too. Like there’s got to be moments you’ve experienced with him and things he’s said that make you wonder why you aren’t actually together. The problem that he won’t speak on is the distance. Maybe in the first month or two if you got to see each other and the communication filled certain voids then the distance probably didn’t matter so much. But sooner or later without a silver lining in place (aka solid plans to close that space) being apart like this will wear one or both of you down. What you don’t want is for this to turn into a virtual relationship that gets to be real once every few weeks and that’s assuming your schedules and finances allow it. There should be progress and it should concern you if another few weeks/months pass and there isn’t.

[HollyK21]

And by communications I mainly mean texts, phone calls, FaceTime, etc.

[Asker]

Yeah, he calls me in text me every day but still that has no deep meaning anyone can do that I just know and I’m stupid for even asking this question but I just wanted to see what others opinions were

[Asker]

All I know is that I would never compete for a man’s attention,

[HollyK21]

General consistency is great, it’s desired, but in an LDR it’s bare minimum. Like the least he could do is his part in making sure you communicate every day, with you doing your part as well of course. But there absolutely has to be a silver lining and when there’s not then it really becomes a matter of wasting each other’s time, since there’s no plan and may not ever be one.

This guy seems to enjoy the connection you two have but what you don’t want is to become a placeholder, a time-pass, someone who takes care of his lonely needs (like talking to a woman, being flirty with a woman, maybe getting intimate here and there) until he find the one that he wants to fully give himself to. I just saw in a comment you made below that you’ve told him to just let you know if he isn’t serious or whatever, but when he’s benefiting then why would he do that? Because he’s such a good guy? No, he’s proving to be an opportunist and so long as you keep picking up the breadcrumbs, he will keep feeding them to you. Is it shitty of him? Absolutely, he should be transparent and leave you alone if he knows he isn’t ready or willing to commit to this work. But most men will always act in their best interest without prioritizing yours. That’s why we must have the same energy.

[Asker]

He initiated contact every single day since we first met for the whole six months. I reached out and texted first here and there, but I realized when I was with him in person, he was on his phone, checking his phone here and there scrolling through videos or whatever but yet when I text him, he takes like eight hours to reply. It’s like wait what? I get it. People have their own lives, but if you’re so into me like you say you are, it doesn’t take that long to reply. I gave up reaching out. I’m leaving it up to him. I feel like part of me is him waiting until I end things so he doesn’t feel guilty. Mind you we’re like 14 years apart I’m 31. It’s like whatever if that’s what he wants I’ll just give it to him and not reply. He’ll probably feel relieved.

[Asker]

It really isn’t that hard to just say the truth I can handle my own. I’m grown I can handle rejection but I guess he just doesn’t get that.

[HollyK21]

I say this with nothing but politeness and respect, but why do you need him to formally end things? He has his reasons for not doing so, and I believe it’s just him being passive and comfortable with the way things are. Basically, you’re asking him to do something he may not be ready or interested in doing. You on the other hand, have your own reservations and see the red flags. Like I said, the least he could do is his part in communicating every day, but after a certain point just talking is not enough. At 31 I’m not sure if you’re the older or younger in this dynamic but honestly his age could directly contribute to his actions. He’s either to young/immature to take a relationship seriously or he’s older, has lived his life (maybe a marriage, a kid or two, etc) and isn’t serious about settling down again. In either case, you shouldn’t wait for him to “do it first”, if it needs to be done you can do it too.

[Asker]

I just feel bad for ghosting, he said he would never and I said that i wouldn’t either I guess that’s just me but I do realize that it was technically nothing serious so I shouldn’t feel bad

[Asker]

No, and I totally respect your replies. I love the honest truth.

[Asker]

And yes, he’s older

[HollyK21]

Well hey, you don’t have to ghost. You could be transparent and just let him know that this isn’t working out and you wish him all the best. He does not have to accept it, you don’t need his approval or the “ok”, it’s just a formality on your end.

A good rule of thumb is never commit to a noncommittal — he’s lived through all these experiences that he will rob you of. He’s gone through whatever traumas in his past and ultimately is comfortable in this limbo where he’s trying but not too hard, giving but not too much, and that just isn’t fair. It’s one thing if you also wanted more of a a casual connection where you chat every day and see each other when you can. I mean that’s what he wants, without actually saying it because he knows that no younger woman wants that or would agree to it. That’s why he has to breadcrumb, give you some rope but not enough to hang yourself. You don’t deserve that and can do a lot better than it too.

[Asker]

I totally get where you’re coming from now and I really appreciate it a lot. I’m starting to rethink things and just starting to trust my intuition a lot. It really sucks but I guess we can’t control things in the way that we want it to go

[HollyK21]

No worries! What happens next is totally your choice and if you choose to stay, no one’s judging you. However I think there should be a serious conversation about what happens next if you do intend to stick around because what you don’t want is for another 6 months to pass and you’re still in the same place, just more emotionally invested. At this time I’m sure you like him a lot and he has to have some redeeming qualities so it makes things trickier. But ultimately this is all time you won’t get back, so if you’re going to give it to someone it should be with intention, working towards something not just stagnant. If he doesn’t quite want that then it’s totally fine, but he needs to move out of the way from blocking the door so that the right man (or at least a better option) can walk in.

[Valdemort]

He knows where it's going and doesn't have the heart to tell you.

[Asker]

I told him that he can just be honest with me and he’s not going to hurt my feelings and that I’d rather just know the truth and I would respect him more. I’m grown I can handle my own.

[Valdemort]

People don't always have the heart to do so, whatever you tell them... but good luck to you :)

[Asker]

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

He knows. He just don’t want to tell you because you won’t like his answer. Dump him.

[Asker]

Basically keeping his options open?

[Asker]

I said to just be honest and I won’t get my feelings hurt and he still said he just wants to see where things go

[Sam1133]

Maam you're backup plan...

[In_Trance]

This is a colossal waste of time