Why don’t women chase men the way men are expected to chase women?

Question

I’ve always noticed that in dating and relationships, there seems to be this unspoken rule: men are the ones who need to make the first move, approach, initiate conversations, ask for numbers, plan the dates, and basically “chase.” Meanwhile, women are usually the ones being pursued, choosing among the guys who show interest.

But why is it like this? If women are just as interested in finding connection, romance, and intimacy, why don’t we see them putting in the same level of effort when it comes to pursuing men?

Don’t get me wrong. I know women drop “signals” or give hints, but honestly, those hints can be super subtle and easy to miss. Most guys would agree that women rarely walk up to a man they’re attracted to and say something like, “Hey, I like you, can I take you out for a drink?” The idea of women being the ones to initiate is still treated like this rare, almost shocking thing.

Is it purely tradition? Is it because of cultural expectations that men should always be the pursuers? Or is it that women feel they’d be judged as “desperate” or “too forward” if they openly chased? And if that’s true, isn’t it kind of unfair that men are expected to risk rejection over and over, while women can just wait to be approached?

I’m really curious about this dynamic because, in theory, dating should be about two people showing interest equally. Yet in real life, it often feels one-sided. Wouldn’t relationships be healthier if women also took the initiative more often instead of just waiting?

CheriBlossomKisses · Accepted Answer

Because (currently) human sexual behavior/mating strategies favor women, but it's really more complicated than this, because there are many reasons that factor into it.

1) We have to deal with severe consequences if we choose incorrectly (rape, pregnancy, abuse, etc.), which would make us more selective and cautious in choosing a man. We can severely limit the number of men/avoid the risk of those who... aren't "compatible" by not approaching first. Add to this (depending on where in the world you are), restrictive laws on women and how many men support them, we're much less inclined to do so.

The only way to reduce this is by limiting the number of men available. If you consider television shows like the Bachelor or even peruse WWII history, what happens? Due to the severe reduction of men, women must modify our behavior and actively pursue men.

2) Some women find the man immediately unattractive when they have to approach him. It has nothing to do with the lack of confidence in the woman, because she's able to approach a man just fine. But the fact that the man lacks the confidence/is anxious etcera. is a turn-off (even if he's confident in every other area of his life).

3) Some women prefer the traditional way of courting since the social norm where they were raised is for a man to approach. Others are just as you've said--afraid of rejection--but that doesn't mean that anyone should be forced to pursue (man or woman). And there are plenty more reasons as to why.

4) It's not about "fairness" (because equity and equality have zero to do with dating). If men don't want to approach women, they don't have to. Of course, if they don't, they will see their dating pool shrinking to likely zero. Why? Because of number 1. 2 and 3 are just some reasons why some women don't approach, but it boils down human sexual behavior benefiting women (currently).

This can change, but the method is unfortunate. I mentioned that there must be a severe reduction in men? If a significant number of men perished today, women would then alter our behavior to pursue those left. It's what happened in WWII. I would not suggest this route.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

Has to do with how a woman is raised, tradition and maybe testosterone. Men have more of it and are more "forward" than women, in general.

But about this rejection thing. If you're rejected by one, you can usually find someone else who doesn't reject you. In my lifetime, I've certainly started conversations with men and some responded and some didn't. I'd say it's about 50/50.

And I've pursued men. But the tradition, common thought, is that women who pursue men are "desperate."
I too think that attraction and pursuit should work both ways. I call Tuesday, he calls Thursday. I suggest someplace to go this week, he suggests next week.

I'm all about compromise, and the bottom line is, if someone doesn't want you, you move along. It's not "rejection" per se. It's they don't recognize your good qualities, or those good qualities don't matter to them. Therefore, why worry about them not seeing who you are? They aren't FOR you.

OneViewpoint · Accepted Answer

Nope, it's not that unusual or rare for a woman to approach a man. I've had random women try to chat me up nearly every time I'm out alone. Single women, married women. They've bought me drinks, sent me drinks, or in rare cases quietly paid my entire tab. I also get compliments from women. They aren't afraid to admire some article of clothing, my watch, or bracelet, or cologne or tell me I'm handsome or mysterious. They are not shy LOL.

So does that make me think they are easy or desperate or not feminine? Not at all. These are generally pretty attractive women. I do judge them but it's all positive. It's really refreshing and I recognize the confidence to behave like an adult to just come up to me and talk to a guy they don't know. They are stepping outside social norms and taking a risk. I respect and admire that.

But here's the rub with me. They have to be able to carry a conversation. If there's nothing there but a hot body and a pretty face, I check out fast. If she's just an entitled suburban trophy wife or wannabe trophy wife in designer clothes and I have to slow down my conversation so she can keep up or stop to explain every other comment it gets painful quick. If it becomes apparent she has no awareness of the world around her, current events, politics, science, tech, history, literature, music, geography, philosophy... at least some of that, we probably don't have much in common.

Like I said, I get approached a lot. But I'm really slow to get to know. It takes a long time for me to get comfortable with a woman. Or anyone really. If I seem slow to engage, it's not because I'm judging you for being forward. That's a huge plus in my mind. I'm trying to read you and get to know you. Decide who you are. I think it confuses a lot of women when a guy doesn't just respond like a puppy dog to their flirting. They give up too fast.

ShrunkenGuy · Accepted Answer

For the reasons you mention and many more.

For example some men don’t like to be approached by the woman as it robs them of their role-agency, especially if saying “Can I take you out for a drink?” it’s role reversal so can be a bit embarrassing.

Of course, some guys like a dominant woman so might love that.

I maybe wrong here, but there’s quite a low risk and a lot of safety in the approach of a girl or woman showing interest in a guy as a friend, focussing on a shared interest. Making into a guy’s “friend zone” is a positive as it’s a great first step whereas the other way round it’s a dead end usually. It’s a place to build ever increasing closeness until he takes a little risk to take the relationship further, or if he’s hesitant and you’re impatient jump his bones/straddle his lap one day.

With the way we’re going, gals will have to get boulder and do more of the approaching because in society they can do no wrong (unlike the guy), but I would advise a bit of caution as no guy likes to be emasculated (well unless that’s their thing of course), unless you’re only wanting the act, come at it as a friend and shared interest and build from there.

If just wanting to bed a guy you like once, well not sure what advice I’d give the women. Doesn’t seem to me those guys need much chasing to be honest.

Summeroflove · Answer

It’s finding the right women. I will pursue a woman I’m interested in and have had women pursue me. However, if it becomes one sided I figure that a woman whose genuinely interested in me will show it back and eventually will move on.

If you stop playing games and don’t settle. Eventually you’ll meet genuine women but the ones who don’t really want you will play those games.

DishLady · Answer

Traditionally bc women are ultimately designed to sacrifice bigger chunks of their lives for the guy who is worth being with. It’s the ONE way to even out the ROI of a relationship. She wants to feel pretty and desirable to you, not desperate and emotionally exhausted from chasing….

RingOfFire · Answer

No it's not purely "tradition," it's purely nature.

The problem is that so many younger people are confused about things like this because they were wrongly taught that men and women are the same.

They are not the same they are biologically, physiologically, and psychologically different.

Millions of years of evolution programmed them to perform different functions in relationships with each other. It all revolves around having a healthy family which is the building block for the survival of the human race.

Males and females each have different roles. The men are the hunters, the providers and the protectors of the family. The women bear the children and take the primary role in the home to raise them and make it a place that is comfortable for the family.

Men couldn't have babies and women couldn't go out and bring home the woolly mammoth for dinner. Neither was physically or psychologically designed to perform those roles that the other was specifically built for.

Hunting for a female partner and initiating the relationship is one of the male roles and has been for millions of years.

The female's role in relationship forming is to attract a male initially through physical appearance. So they adorn themselves with colorful clothing, makeup, jewelry, etc to stand out and appeal to a man so that they will approach her. You see similar behavior in other species that have physical adornments such as bright colors or certain behaviors to attract the opposite sex.

It is tradition BECAUSE it is nature.

Rides_Big_Guys · Answer

Because.
Men use to be loving providers.
They would court a woman and share his love and life with her.
Times have changed and men have chosen not to be that way.
They’ve been raised by single mothers because the father has chosen not to be involved.
Men being raised by single moms, are growing up without the guidance of how to be a man.
You need to speak to your dad about this question you’ve posted. Any time a guy is upset or sad he needs to speak it out with his father. Guys feel their noisey car or flashy watch will do the trick.
Thus, women do everything on their own and don’t need to be enticed by some guy with a nosey car and a watch. She has better things to focus on

Purpleronnie · Answer

Hmm
I’m of the opinion that if you want something or pretty much anything in this world you have to go out and get it , and generally fight for it and then fight some more to keep or maintain it … did I misunderstand the rules?

I have had women chase me , I have had women ask me out or make it really obvious that their interested as subtle as some people might claim it to be and I’m just an average looking guy of average height but i also expect to have to go after the things I want…

What’s so wrong with the expectation that a woman should be pursued romantically , it’s pretty much in line with nature and “survival of the fittest “ ..

Sure there are some guys who might not like the idea of being turned down or shy away from dating because of the expectation of approaching women but I think that’s the way it should be , women are the fairer sex !

spartan55 · Answer

Women are completely terrified at even the possibility of being rejected. I think that is the root of it all. Most women have no idea how much rejection men deal with. We learn at an early age (14) for me, we either shake rejection off and keep it movin, or be a sideline who talks and does nothing.
It is amazing the lengths women will go to avoid even the chance of rejection.

AMS700CX4u2 · Answer

Cultural programs, When I first met my wife I was expected to call her. If she called me it was a sign of looseness. The impression I got was that if a woman called a man it was a sign of lack of demand. Confusing? A women who has many callers, is in a stronger bartering position than one who ask for a males attention. Doweries and things like that.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Men usually have a more difficult time saying no even if they don't actually like the person so it is up to the man to pursue because he is the one who needs to want us not the other way around. We can usually fall for a guy who is good to us, where as it is rare for a guy to fall for a girl he wasn't interested in the first place.

RavVid · Answer

The dynamic is that there is not much point in a girl approaching men that don't want to fuck her. if a man does want to fuck her than she has something to work with.

So it better for a girl to rely on men, who want to fuck her, approaching. That is acid test.

Basically due to generally stronger sexual desire that men have.

HighValue · Answer

Anyone that claims "tradition" is a hypocrite unless she is a virgin saving herself for marriage, agrees that he makes all final decisions, doesn't have ANY tattoos, doesn't do drugs (ever), doesn't drink hardly any alcohol, takes care of the home and kids, etc.

I have yet to meet an ACTUAL traditional woman. They are just hypocrites.

Anonymous · Answer

same as asking..

why do men abandon their kids so much more than women?

because it is evolutional and biological.

There is no explanation other than that.

I really hate it when men assume men and women are designed to be the same. We aren't. Wake the fuck up

Apple1996 · Answer

Even tho personally I prefer to be the one doing the approaching I understand why most women wouldn't. They want to see that the man can put in effort, plan something, and be confident. It shows off masculine traits

Vegasrunner · Answer

There's no need to. As you already pointed out men approach women therefore women simply need to select the best option. The bigger issue is technically as a man, your job is to simply approach more women, however society has scared a lot of men into thinking there's something wrong with doing this or that they should operate more like women.

Anonymous · Answer

Its the animal side of us that causes that, women are more like a hare (the pray) men are like hounds (the hunters) that's just the way it is and as im sure you know most ladies enjoy being chased and I even know a few guys that actually enjoy "hunting" so to speak

Gaylordslav · Answer

Women find most men unattractive thats why. They only chase the hot guys that have the world in their lap. The rest of us resort to singing songs, writing poems, being comedic, amassing wealth, being charismatic etc to win them over emotionally

avery58 · Answer

For me my mother taught me not to chase after men because it could bring about the wrong image. Also most men like to hunt, not to be the hunted, don't they?

TheLovelyWoman · Answer

Because we like being chased but we don’t like chasing.

MikeTheBartender · Answer

The same reason people in first world countries don't grow their own vegetables. Options. An average girl has 100 options probably daily, why chase when it comes to her?

Nikki1989 · Answer

Nobody is expecting anything.  Stop talking bollocks and live in the real world for a change.

Ariesman81 · Answer

It's the woman's job to express her interest and then yours to "make it happen". It's their way of seeing if you can pick up on subtle cues. Feminine women are very subtle, annoying, but subtle.

SoccerPlayer99 · Answer

Because women and men, despite what all the quack professors and talking head personalities want you to believe, are not the same. They play different roles.

jshm2 · Answer

Because they are seen as "too eager" if they do.

queenofcardio · Answer

I'll be honest and communicate my interest in him but I will not chase

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Part of nature… when flipped…. The men loses interest

itsannalee · Answer

Because when u getting to chase a man, he run more…

Anonymous · Answer

Depending on the woman, it's almost always some combination of cowardice, self-importance and entitlement. For an example of that self-importance and entitlement, look no further than the response here from the dish washer.

Anonymous · Answer

Because they aren't expected to do so and of course with MeToo statutes and the KAM movement making it illegal and generally unwise for men to approach
It's designed to keep the birth rates down to help world governments with their genocide agenda

WonderingManII · Answer

Due to my disability this is one of the reasons why I think I won't ever have a girl. I don't have the ability to chase them like this.

afnan169 · Answer

Don't just think about socially or traditionally. There are biological differences in brain and body and genetics.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Supply and demand. An average girl can smile and have dozens of pursuers. An average guy cannot.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

They're cared shitless of being seen/called, sluts, whores and perverts.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

Because men run faster so they can chase them. Women cannot catch up to men

Alex-Snow · Answer

Some women do but I think u are right more guys do the chasing

Pohjolan · Answer

Supply Vs demand. The dynamic changes in a environment where there are more single women than men available.

Anonymous · Answer

Because women really don't want equality. They want SELECTIVE equality.😆 Also there's plenty of stiff🍆's that will.

zagor · Answer

Because men wouldn't run. At least for the first night.

an_nMary · Answer

I don't think men are attracted to women who pursue them.

DCVsMarvel2 · Answer

They fear rejection just like us, and are also told they're not supposed to

Anonymous · Answer

Because of patriarchal upbringing and religious propaganda.  I actually prefer dominant girls who like to take initiative.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

A forward women is usually a whore that's why.

Twalli · Answer

They would be and almost all men would be okay if a woman took the initiative.

Anonymous · Answer

lol. Women never like doing work. They don’t even know what work means. Especially American women. Daddy’s spoiled princesses growing, been taught to be an entitled snob.

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

Because they’re women. Duh. Men have to do the work, they enjoy the benefits. That’s how it’s always been, and probably always will be.

qwerty2469 · Answer

They do. You're just ugly or have a bad personality

Adixia · Answer

because we don't want a feminine man 😅 we want a masculine one

exitseven · Answer

That is just the way it is.

Anonymous · Answer

Lol. What a sob story.

DailyFairy · Answer

Would u want a woman who chases u?

jahaims · Answer

Neither should be chasing.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Very simple, because of men!

In_Trance · Answer

Because of the stigma that surrounds it

Anonymous · Answer

i know i will always resent this

Why don’t women chase men the way men are expected to chase women?

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Why don’t women chase men the way men are expected to chase women?

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