Why are we attracted to the people we are?

[Anonymous]

I ask because I mostly only feel attraction to women that are most probably out of my league lol. Occasionally the average girl kind of strikes my fancy, but really, I do so much to try to be as best of a guy as possible where it’s like “who knows?”

Not saying I’m some kind of super high value guy in the mainstream sense (who is, honestly?) but I work hard, make good money, keep a healthy mindset, doing my very best to get ahead in this crazy world.

I’m just a very personable guy with a lot of life experience, more than the average person I’d say, in my own unique way, and I enjoy just talking with whoever I encounter in public if we happen to strike up a conversation. I can pretty much get on with anyone.

It would just be great to find a woman that has that personality and personable demeanor and she can kind of “return it” back my direction. One that is a really put together and classy girl but at the same time doesn’t take herself too serious. Effortlessly cool and elegant, but fun to be around. Is it asking too much? Why isn’t it “cooler” in society for more women to be this way too? It’s like it’s almost cool to be this flawed, messy type of person, for both men and women now, and I personally just don’t resonate or even understand the desire to be that way at all.

Meanwhile, I just have no idea where or how I even come across to women. It’s a challenge out there today.

[Anonymous]

There's a saying, "if you don't have a plan for your life someone else will".

Considering I've had almost 50 years on this muddy rock we call earth and have been a student of humanity that entire time I feel like I've got pretty decent qualifications to answer this.

First off since your question leans more towards women's attraction, but to a lesser extent l, yours to women, I'll start with women first. When it comes to women. Stop trying to make sense of a woman's attraction to men. Women will never make sense to a man as their actions and thought are ruled HEAVILY by their feelings. First you have to understand that a majority of today's women are highly toxic. Bred from absent male role models and mother's that have disdain for men. Yet these women still crave love (or what they consider to be love put through their toxic filter). Most of these women didn't have quality fathers, or fathers at all. So they're trying to recapture that in men they date. In simple terms they're looking for a daddy. And she doesn't care if you beat on her, he'll a lot of them consider that attention. But whatever you do you can't be weak, unsure of yourself. That's not what a daddy does. A daddy protects! Are you starting to get the idea? You can lie to her, verbally and physically abuse her. These are all fair game. But you have to attract her attention. And then after you have it you have to stoke that fire by keep being what she saw in you. Then once you have her enamored with you, YOU can tell her what she wants. She actually wants that. None of this will be easy though because she is toxic. She will be combative. And she'll NEVER be a quality woman. Because that was not bred in her. But she can be your little sex puppet till you find something better.

Now attraction for a man is similar but men do not filter attraction through feelings as deeply as women do. Young men (unfortunately) are attracted to the female form and when we're young and in our hormones that rules a lot of our thinking. It why women use feminine wiles to manipulate us till those power fail them as they approach 40. But as with anybody there is a learning curve. Some guys learn fast, some learn slow, and some men never learn. But after a guy has been around and seen every trick that's in a female repertoire. He becomes near impervious to her tricks, her games. Then he's able to find a good women (if that is his goal). Because a woman cannot get over on him again.

Just based on what you've told us it sounds like you lack confidence. Don't be offended by that. Confidence is something that ebbs and flows. But typically the meat headed 💩 sacks are brimming with confidence because they lack basic human decency. They don't stop for 2 seconds to think how their drive might affect other people. Though they know what they want and how to get it. This is why they're like catnip to toxic women. But like those men have confidence, toxic women typically exude sex appeal. Because much like those men lack human decency, those women lack morals and modesty. So on the SURFACE these women seem really confident (they're not, she just knows she's got a 🐱 and guys like that. So it may be all she has but she's going to use it to her advantage). And her exuding sex appeal looks like confidence to you. So in YOUR mind getting her will both give you legitimacy as a man and by the transitive property of confidence she will build your just by being. But that ISN'T what happens EVER! That is why you fail. She doesn't WANT you. She KNOWS deep down she's not good enough for you and you're not man enough to tame her, handle her. She is looking for a daddy. In short, you need to be as toxic as her. You're not and will never be. But the good news to all this is her rejection (whether you know it or not, probably not) did you a favor. Because it would have NEVER been a the loving healthy relationship you sought anyways. Even though it was just another blow to your confidence.

[NoOneEver]

I think most people are either attracted to someone with a lot of differences because it’s “interesting” and keeps your interests from all the “new” things that come attached with learning and engaging with that person.

Unfortunately as much as it keeps interests alive, it generally leads to awful experiences in the long run. When people are too different they end up either not being that close even if they maintain a relationship, or a breakup/divorce eventually happens as the differences cause them to spend less time together or to clash…

I believe people need to share a minimum of 70% interests to maintain a healthy relationship.

Unfortunately with logic, finding someone who has those similar interests and who is also simultaneously both available and mutually attracted is the hard part in life.

Which is why so many people either go after people that just aren’t “right” for them or actually “BAD” for them.

It’s a phenomenon that’s both quantifiable as well as tied to absurdities.

Most people end up in all kinds of relationships sometimes due to a fleeting feeling, other times because they’ve just been attention starved.

Either way it seems like actually finding “true love” is hardly a factor for people anymore. Which only adds another layer of interest on the topic.

[Twalli]

Shared interests are important. Otherwise, you can't have nonromantic engagements. I guarantee you, even though my girlfriend and I walk my dog together, there's no romance there. We like doing it, mostly because we like my dog. The best partner has to share interests but not be like you. They need to compliment you. For example, my girlfriend likes to eat but can't cook. I don't like to eat, but actually slightly enjoy cooking. So, we complement each other in that aspect. She determines when we eat, and I make the food. There are hundreds of things like that when you match with someone who is different than you.

[DishLady]

"Cool" is to accept that you're flawed and be ok with it... no one's perfect.

But yes, I get what you're saying.

What's happening is that we instinctively tend to want someone who's got a trait we admire and don't necessarily have. In some instances that gives the "out of league" feeling, but the other person ISN'T, in fact, our of league for us. They're just good at something we wish we were also good at.

You'd be surpised to find that a lot of times they feel the same way... you're good at something they wish they were. For example, one person is very structured and the other very chaotic. Depending on the TYPE of "structured"/"chaotic" the two people are they might be a good match, though they seem to be opposite personalities. In this instance one person NEEDS a little more of a fun/chaotic side infused into their lives while the other needs a bit more order/coordination.

"Out of league" that we should stick to, perhaps, is the two people's degrees... social circles... etc. THOSE define the person's expectations and character a little more, building out from their core personality and telling you who they WANT to be as opposed to how they are...

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZcQeocF56Ck

[DailyFairy]

at least u know what u want, the term "not in my league" is just weird. We all are human, we all need to eat and poop, we all gonna die. If u want something/one work hard for it. U have ur preference just like many. What's important is to cherish them when they are urs, most people forget that.

[mysteriousNicholas]

And poop 💩 lol

[HawkPerception]

Sounds like a really humble take and doesn't sound like you're asking for too much. The women in the west are not the ideal nowadays. They don't have the feminine and classy traits men desire. Many are entitled, narcissistic misandrists who literally say there's no point in being with a man. The chronic cat lady mentality is a plague.

Look into passport bros. I've heard so many stories of guys finding women abroad in countries where women actually still value men and I have not heard of a single guy who's had a bad experience. I'm sure there are women who scam guys for green cards, but I've looked into the success rate statistics for foreign marriages and they are always much higher than marrying someone from the west.

Women in the west need to take a hard look in the mirror, but the majority of them refuse to and just blame men in return. Zero accountability. It's like they're blind to their own demeanors.

[Chazmatazz269]

The biological imperative demands that we couple with attractive mates. Increasing the likelihood of attractive offspring increases the chances that they will also mate, thereby furthering the bloodline.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

We’re drawn to people who mirror the parts of ourselves we value or the parts we wish we had.

Sometimes attraction isn’t about who’s “in our league,” but who triggers something deeper in us, admiration, curiosity, even challenge.

The women who feel out of reach might represent the version of life or love you aspire to.

And that’s not a bad thing, it just means you see connection as something meaningful, not casual.

Keep being the grounded, genuine man you already are.

The right woman will recognize that energy and match it.

[RavVid]

I think it is very physical in the first instance. In terms of evolution it is a good strategy to be attracted to your tribe because that preserved local adaptions but not so much to be attracted to your sister.

So I should have a preference for certain type of woman and I do indeed. Women that are outside my dating bracket but I like enough to chat with for a few moments when we cross paths all have the same face.

I just like them without any sexual intent on my part. Aside from their facial structure they calm personas. They tend to have oddball knowledge also.

If I meet a woman like that in my target age bracket I'd going after her and exchanging oddball info items.

Personality tends to be inherited, there is some genetic basis of 30 - 60% and parents get you by both nature and nurture.

We do have a type and I just think there is an evolutionary basis behind it of uniting the tribe.

[slatyb]

Of course you are attracted to the women you feel are out of your league. Why do you feel that way? Are they more intelligent? Better groomed? Behave better? Wealthier? More interesting?

Some people are truly "out of our league". Almost none of us can get the attention of celebrities. But our classmates? Colleagues? Mostly they are not out of our league, except in our head. When I was in my twenties, I viewed myself as awkward, nerdy, unattractive. I was indeed awkward, a bit nerdy, but I was quite attractive. With a little work on my self-image I could have pulled women that I considered out of my league. Have you considered seeing a professional counselor who offers coaching for dating? I wish I had.

[Twalli]

Celebrities and models are only out of our league, because we aren't in their orbit. Sophie Turner would not have met or married Jo Jonas if she wasn't picked to be Sansa Stark in GoT. He was already a celebrity, while she was a nobody.

[slatyb]

@Twalli That's partially true, but many celebrities worked long hours on their craft.

[Twalli]

They also got lucky. A lot of people csn work hard and be very talented, but don't makes it.

[slatyb]

@Twalli That is also true, but very few get very far without constant effort. Film? Unless they were discovered young, they worked for years to get a role. Harrison Ford was a carpenter around Los Angeles until he was cast in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and that's pretty typical.

[Twalli]

Yeah. That's normal.

[slatyb]

@Twalli Many people think that acting is easy, and all it takes is a physical beauty and a lucky break. That's not true. The film and television stars make it look easy because they've been practicing for years. Attend a community theater play and the difference will be obvious.

[Twalli]

I know it isn't easy. However, to get picked from a pool of people with similar levels of expierence requires luck.

[slatyb]

@Twalli Everything any gets in life is a matter of luck. Many people work very hard but are never rewarded. Some people are rewarded for something that comes easily to them but is impossible for most. Some people are fortunate and have both sufficient talent and perseverance. It's also largely a matter of one's circumstances of birth -- time, place, and family.

Tim Minchin gave a wonderful graduation speech at the University of Western Australia making this point. https://youtu.be/yoEezZD71sc?si=qylnr-Etgs3_PCh4

[Joshydavid25]

Out of your league in terms of looks or something else? It seems like it's leaning towards the something else.. League's don't really exist.. Sure there people whose preference you might not be and pretty people, but some pretty people get with less pretty people.. Our preferences are formed by experiences and values throughout our lives.. A big part of it what we expose ourselves to and begin to like and have admiration for in some way.. Obviously you fantasize about a cute chick who is cool, and kind of goofball such as yourself..

[MrChinaski]

You seem like a well-adjusted guy. I have never dated either. My experience is that when you put your energies into things you enjoy, challenge you and make the world a better place --- study, work, hobbies, volunteering, friends --- you typically find yourself near people doing the same thing. Love kind of just happens. Or at least that is how it has happened to me. Just be open to saying yes when it does.

https://xkcd.com/458/

[Zack-Bann]

Leagues are the BS high school students create to categorize one another and chose who gets bullied


In real life attractive people are attractive
Unattractive people are not.


It’s subjective so it depends on you


But everyone is both in and out of your league depending on what you do about it

[inhahe]

I think if we fully or mostly understood why we're attratcted to the people we are, that would necessarily come with understanding a heck of a lot of other very profound things about ourselves, spirituality and even the cosmos. It would probably be enough to fix all of society's problems virtually overnight.

I think, regarding it being cool to be flawed and messy, it's probably just your average case of sweet lemons: we're all flawed and messy because we live in a horrible world and had parents who were basically just children themselves who were forced by society to raise their children alone. Grace, elegance, and wholesome fun aren't easy to come by in this world--you need superhumanly graceful parents and maybe peers for that, and maybe also to be a naturally advanced spirit. So, if we all have to be flawed and messy, we might as well pretend it's desirable, hence the "sweet lemons."

[OneViewpoint]

My response to any given woman has always been so random that I’ve never really tried to dissect it.

It’s not a conscious thing. I know her when I see her and interact with her. That’s all I need.

Out of my league? No such thing. She either likes me or she doesn’t. Again, that’s all I need to know.

[exitseven]

When we are kids our preferences are formed by our experiences. Your idea of a suitable mate is probably forged before puberty.

I was always attracted to athletic and outdoorsy girls. There was one time I thought it might be nice to date somebody who was different. I dated a bartender whose whole life was all about drinking and partying. It was fun for a while until it wasn't. Now I realize it was because she was not what I wanted.

[dislikesmath]

Because their a lot of really pretty cute girls out there , I met a lot I'm just a Mexican. They had everything especially the white girls their faces literally changed my face from : to this 🥺🥰 in no time.

[Kingofkings1992]

There’s no such thing as “out of my league.” The only place that exists is in your head. Sure, there are people more attractive than others, but no one is superior to anyone else. We all have good qualities that we bring to the table, and undesirable qualities too. Keep this quote in mind when you feel like a girl is “out of your league”: “ no matter how good she looks, there is some guy somewhere who is tired of her shit.”

[Nikki1989]

There are no leagues, but someone at your age should have woken up to that many years ago.

[Asker]

That’s kind of how I see it, but I haven’t dated at all, and have moved around a lot for work and haven’t stayed in one place for long enough to feel like I’ve settled into the place I’ve meant to stay.

Maybe to my own fault I don’t really believe in short term relationships either so it’s not like I have had a string of women to really even know where I stand in the dating market, hence my confusion.

[blackeagle007]

Leagues do exist. The more attractive someone is, they aren’t gonna date down.

[Twalli]

There is a branch of biology called sexual selection. People spend their entire lives studying this very thing. For example, we primarily date people who have the same (attached or detached) earlobes.

[whiskeyontherocks]

By importance: life experience cultural norms, genetics. All of which will likely change with age or experience.

[Anonymous]

Because every human has specific biological preferences.

[HighSchoolCustodian]

Probably part of it’s the competition. And we're taught that from Birth.

[beefcakebradybatson]

Passion at first, I believe.

[beenherebefore]

Preferences.

[mysteriousNicholas]

Mm, hmmm ✊😋

[NervousIndividual]

I am not sure.

[robocop666]

whoever has boobs and butt