"I've started having obsessive thoughts about my boyfriend's previous relationship. How can I overcome this?

[Anonymous]

I am going through a period where I feel incredibly mentally sensitive. I find myself constantly crying over this issue; my tears just won't stop. I love my boyfriend deeply. He is my first love, but I am not his. Honestly, that fact alone isn't the real problem. The problem lies with his previous relationship—a relationship that started in high school and lasted almost five years, where he even forgave things that he probably shouldn't have. I constantly find myself constructing scenarios in my mind, convinced that he hasn't forgotten her. I say "constructing" because I haven't caught him in any major offense, but there are a few things I've noticed that keep feeding my insecurity. I need to lay these things out because I genuinely don't know if I'm overreacting, and if I am, I truly want to start healing. For instance, the profile picture and name on his private account used to be a picture of them from high school, referencing a movie that held a special meaning for them both. He also kept her old messages and her phone number. The most unsettling part is that this ex-girlfriend remains in the same social circle as his close friends, close enough that her name is still heard frequently. Furthermore, when we first started dating, he was even following her close friends on social media—people he didn't know personally—until I noticed it and he unfollowed them. What truly haunts me is knowing that he even sought therapy because of her. Even if these details seem trivial to an outsider, the voices inside my head, telling me he can't forget her, won't be silenced. I am utterly exhausted from feeling like she and my boyfriend are the main characters in this story, and I am merely the one stuck on the outside looking in.

[HollyK21]

Please prioritize having peace of mind over being in a relationship, and loving yourself more than you love a man so that you can act in your best interest when or if the time comes. I say this because it’s so important to both be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t deal with, then be able to walk away if it’s just too much. With my ex, I knew I could no longer deal with the negative feelings that came with him being so close to his female bestie and left that alone, now I’m in a relationship where I always have peace and zero insecurities, my fiancé doesn’t even have female friends.

[Asker]

Thank you for your comment, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Aside from these situations, my boyfriend treats me incredibly thoughtfully and carefully, and he also tried to fix every single one of those issues. I can communicate healthily with him, but the things I wrote about also upset me greatly.

[HollyK21]

If he’s really a great guy, then focus on that. I know it’s easier said than done, which is why I also think you should consider therapy (if you haven’t already), do some root work or both. You say he’s your first love but that doesn’t mean you’ve never dated before. It also doesn’t mean you’ve never been hurt/disappointed by a man in the past, be it someone you were interested in or even someone close to home like your dad, brother, cousin, etc. Our insecurities start somewhere, so I think getting to the bottom of where this all started could give you a lot of insight as to why you struggle how you do now.

Who knows, maybe your insecurities have nothing to do with men and everything to do with your own self esteem, thinking you’re not good/hot enough or making comparisons between you and his ex where ultimately you feel like she’s better. In any case, all of this is a result of trauma and you should really work on unpacking that.

At the end of the day though, it’s important to keep in mind that he had a life before you, and that has to be ok otherwise it won’t work. I don't know if you had an idea in your mind of being each others firsts or whatever, but just because that wasn’t your position in his life doesn’t mean the love, care or anything else would be lacking. It sounds like the ex will be around no matter what, so shifting your focus from fearing her to simply loving him and trusting him to do right by you can make all the difference.

[HollyK21]

Also, keep in mind that what’s yours will always be meant for you and can’t be stolen. In all honesty, we don’t know if this is all in your head. I mean this may not all be about insecurity and instead it’s a gut feeling making alarms go off in your head. But if you have full confidence in who he is as a partner, who he is as a man and it seems as though his morales are in the right place (like he isn’t a shady guy) then you’ve got to really lean into that. Changing your mindset takes work, and time, but if you’re intentional about it then you’ll start to see change. There’s always the possibility to lose your guy, even in marriage. That’s why I said initially to always love yourself more so that you can act in your best interest and know when to leave. I hope you have the dignity and self preservation to leave if you really saw some red flags, but unless that time comes then don’t feed into it in your mind. Don’t be afraid of losing.

[Asker]

You wrote it so beautifully, thank you very much. No, I am not getting therapy due to my financial situation, but I really want to get it one day. My boyfriend is truly someone I can trust; he has done so many things for me. But, as you said, I have a very hard time controlling my thoughts. Sometimes I tell myself that him leaving my life or a person cheating on me is not the end, but I realize that I am starting to act very controlling. I love myself, and I will stop this. Wishing you a good day again

[HollyK21]

No worries love. Give yourself grace, patience, and time. You didn’t develop this mentation overnight, so ridding yourself of it won’t happen that quickly either. If therapy isn’t in the cards right now, that’s totally fine, so much of this shit is so expensive nowadays. But until you can get there, do whatever work you can on your own. Maybe start a journal, either written or verbal (I have a friend who journals in the form of voice notes), and start unpacking. Then start healing those things, and making peace. Progress will happen. Wishing you luck with this situation, feel free to reach out if you need to chat. Take care!

[HawkPerception]

@HollyK21 Really love all the opinions you post, whenever I rarely see them. You seem like a very intelligent one.

[HollyK21]

@HawkPerception thank you so much! I appreciate it💛

[Staximus]

If your boyfriend still talks to her and sees her in person then you have a problem. If he doesn't then you are just being crazy and need to stop obsessing over it. If he doesn't talk to her anymore then it's all in your head. Stop living inside your head and start living in the real world. You're driving yourself crazy with this bullshit. If he still talks to her then leave him.

[Asker]

Yes, you're right. My boyfriend doesn't meet the girl in real life, and maybe I am crazy, but I wrote it for advice and my purpose was just to get an opinion. Have a nice day.

[Berethor]

Well you could has chosen a guy who never had a girlfriend, but now it seems too late.

[Anonymous]

Why do u love him

[Asker]

There's no reason, I just love him and we get along well. I'm in love with him.

[Opinion Owner]

Why?

[Asker]

I like his smile, I like talking with him, and I enjoy discussing things with him and thinking together

[Opinion Owner]

How do u both look? U must engage in an open honest conversation regarding this matter with him

[Opinion Owner]

How do u both look?