Is this a potential red flag or am I overthinking this?

[Anonymous]

My bfs family bought a vacation home down South and they stay there for the winter…. my bfs mom told her son and me that I couldn’t go with them ( i work part time and I’m in a single parent home…. was also financially struggling a couple years ago)….

my bfs mom told my boyfriend to come alone on vacation. Is this a potential red flag? Or did his mom not wanna financially burden me?

she's always warm and affectionate towards me and says she considers me family and always gives me leftover food after dinner….

Mom didn’t want to financially burden me

Potential red flag

Updates

4 d

I’m always invited to family gatherings and events as well

Updates

4 d

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now almost and it is a committed relationship and I’ve met his entire family and my entire family has met him as well

[Finchie40]

Yea it’s definitely a red flag if she didn’t invite you along as well knowing you are in a relationship with her son , but since you aren’t married to him , his mom doesn’t really consider you part of the family , some parents’ are that way unfortunately,, when I was dating my ex , her mom didn’t really accept me because her mom assumed I was only in it for the short haul and not the long haul , I was excluded from things here and there , because I wasn’t married to her daughter , so I didn’t care for her mom whatsoever , considering my parents’ didn’t treat my gf’s that way whatsoever, so I told my girlfriend , the truth that her mom is a disrespectful person , and she agreed with me , and said I don’t know why my mom is that way , which made me contemplate on whether I wanted her mom to be my mother in law one day or not , but since my girlfriend agreed with me about her mom , I ended up marrying her and my MIL started to finally accept me and include me , now that I was considered part of the family. So if you end up marrying your boyfriend , his mom might start accepting you completely. But since you aren’t married , this is how you will be treated from her. Now if she still treats ya like this if you end up marrying her son , the. Have fun with that shit , because in laws can be assholes. Why I never choose my parents’ over my partner , if my parents’ don’t accept my partner , my parents’ won’t be seeing or hearing from me often whatsoever. So if your boyfriend ends up going without you , then that’s something you should really reconsider on whether you want to stay in a relationship with him or not , because if he picks his mom over
You , you will be in a very miserable relationship , so you are best to dump his ass and find yourself a guy that doesn’t choose his parents’ over you.

[Asker]

His mom told me she already considers me part of the family and I do get included in family stuff and she very nice and warm towards me….. she did know of my financial situation tho and last year I wasn’t in a very good position so could be that

[ohsheeT]

It could mean a few things

But you know it wouldn't matter what I think or say because I don't know them

I understand you might feel left out
And your boyfriend should have said something to his mother about it

What you have to do is relax let it go when he gets back he will tell you about it

Your relationship is between you and your boyfriend

If she is trying to undermine it he will put her in her place

You can let things like this bother you. Stop your mind from spinning take this time to chill out relax and become a better person he there relaxing. You do the same.

No matter what is going on you can't change it anyway. The more you fight yourself or anything thr more difficult becomes

Relax and breathe. You will be fine. But in order to be fine, you have to reap those benefits right now. Don't worry about what's going on. There , worry about what's going on with you and how to relax your body , your mind , your spirit , your soul

Don't allow this to create drama within yourself. Because that's a battle , let it go

No matter what's happening, the best thing for you to do is chill out and relax. Because it will all be good. Let him see the difference in your face , your eyes , spirit , you're calmness

If you keep stressing out about it, you're gonna have wrinkles all over your face, high blood pressure, it's not worth it. Just relaxIt'll all come to end , you'll be told what was going on and

The next time you see her, she will probably apologize to you. Try to explain things to you and she'll try to make up for it.\n So let them be wherever they are, and you be where you're at and take this time for you, take a hot bubble bath, have a glass of wine. Just relax

[HollyK21]

I don’t know the background to all this, so my most generic assumptions would be fearing that you’re getting too serious too fast, not wanting him to take on a fatherly role, not thinking you’re the best match for him (despite being kind to you, she could be fake or avoidant). It could also be controlling of her, wanting a certain family dynamic and being overprotective of his independence, aka mommy issues.


Ultimately, I don’t think our comments will give you peace of mind. Any number of things could be the cause, you wouldn’t know unless you either have a conversation with him or with her.

[Asker]

Well his mom knew I wasn’t working last year…and she knows my mom is a single mom so maybe she didn’t wanna financially burden anyone?

[Asker]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now almost…so nothing about being too fast too soon

[HollyK21]

Unless she’s made mention of worrying about finances over these past 4 years then I’m not sure that would be an issue. I highly doubt you’d be expected to pay for everything anyway but that sort of thing should mainly be between you and your man, who should have your back when it comes to getting stuff taken care of financially. When you found out that she didn’t want you to go, what was your man’s explanation for it? Is he ok with her choice?

[Asker]

He was asking his mom for me to come and was trying to get me in…as far as paying goes I would have to pay for my own flight down there and for transportation to and from the airport…. also for travel insurance… I finally do have an hourly paying job as well…

[HollyK21]

Thanks for the info, it definitely helps fill in the puzzle. With this new knowledge in mind, I can see how her opinion would have to do with finances. You saying that you finally got a certain kind of job makes it sound like your finances haven’t quite been in order and you’re just getting back on your feet to an extent. You have more than yourself to consider now, and she knows that. Depending on where the vacation is, you’d be spending upwards of $800, when that money can go towards groceries, Christmas, hell even a fun day for you and your kid rather than towards this trip that you don’t really need to go on.

Don’t get me wrong, you’re an adult and don’t need to be pocket-watched. However, if you or your man have been irresponsible with money then his mom is putting her disapproval with that in display. Anyway, if I were you I’d just skip out on the trip. Going is more of a want, not a priority and if I were you I wouldn’t want to force myself into a trip that I’m not invited to. Take that money you would use on this trip and put it towards something else. Maybe plan a trip for you, your man and your kid. Go to a themepark or a cruise next year, sounds better to me anyway.

[DJB72]

Seems like a potential red flag. Saw a similar question on Threads a few days back from a guy who was pissed at his mother for not inviting his SO for Christmas then found out she'd invited his ex. If you've been together over a year then it's a dumb thing to not invite you.

[bowenw]

I think it's a red flag. She should have invited you and let you decide if you could afford it or not.

[Asker]

She kNew my financial situation already tho

[bowenw]

Does your boyfriend have any idea why she didn't want you there?

[Asker]

He mentioned about finances and secondly they drove up there and I don’t have nexus pass

[bowenw]

Hopefully you will get to go with them another time. Hopefully they aren't trying to hide something from you.

[Asker]

They’re pretty open and his mom is straightforward of a person - always gives me honest answers

[Staximus]

I don't know, maybe it's time to get a better job and stop being a bum

[Staximus]

Maybe they had some serious family business to discuss like somebody's dying or something

[Asker]

I work I’m not a bum

[Flower7]

How long have you been dating him?

[Asker]

For almost 4 years and I’m always included in other family gatherings, etc…

[Flower7]

Have you ever been to this vacation home before?

[Asker]

No but I get included in every other family related stuff and his mom always feeds me, is warm and kind to me etc…

[Flower7]

I’m sure there is no requirement that your boyfriend goes with them on the trip. If he would rather spend that time with you, it’s his choice that he could stay home so the two of you can be together during the winter.

[Asker]

He was only there for about a week….

[Flower7]

His family is not required to have you with them during their vacation. You’re dating him, not them.

[Asker]

Ya that’s true….. he’s allowed to spend some alone time with his folks as well too…. also I do get included in family events and gatherings and his mom is nothing but nice to me