Is this a major red flag?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of nearly six months has a strained relationship with his mom. They mostly fight because his mom and him are very different and I get that.
But what gives me red flags is that he's constantly mentioned how much He hates her and whenever they fight he wants to slap her and he mentions this every time his mom comes up in conversation... Which sends warning signals in my head.
He's a nice guy as far as I know but I'm not sure If this is a red flag or not?

[SjE78]

not particularly no... growing up both my parents did everything to ruin my life, my father was abusive physically and mentally, even to sacrifice my education just to ensure i was not successful in life...
my mother also mentally abusive but her other methods of abuse was to control my life and have me treated for an illness i later found i never had, for years i was treated for epilepsy but found out at 18 i had bad panic attacks.. she attacked my girlfriend i was with at the time, almost killed my first born, tired to have social services take him from me, even turned many people i grew up around against me... not to mention other abuse she attempted to do.
and tried like my father did... to get me arrested for crimes i hadn't committed by making up scenarios and injuring themselves then reporting me for the crimes... and cos at the time i was living on my own (where my father's allegations were concerned) i had no alibi for the most part...
so i would ask him 'WHY he feel that way' as there could be a valid reason for his hatred or disgust for her

after all not many people are willing to see the reason or learn why someone acts the way they do towards others, they see the act and judge them for it... there could like my experiences be a very valid reason as to why he is like that and feels the way he does...

but before you do see this as a red flag... i would definitely advise you to understand the hidden facts which he probably didn't want to discuss with you as he may fear it would have driven you away.. i mean even now whenever i meet anyone the moment i explain why i dont have parents, it's not that they both are dead, (one is though) but they are to me... same for my sister... while i was being beaten as a kid my sister never even got a raised voice... she swore i got beaten... she did wrong... i got beaten...

i had a home tutor (due to bad health and mobility issues at the time) and speak with her as was asked why i had a tooth missing, and my face looked like a bus hit me head on... 5 mins later she came back to me and accuses me of lying...

so yeah find out from him first before you assume the worse in him, he could have endured far more from his mother or hell his father could have been the bad guy and she sided with him and blamed your boyfriend

[Asker]

Oof I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope you're doing much better Now.
He likes his dad a lot... As far as I know he doesn't like his mom because when he was younger she made him change schools because the school he was in had a lot of bad stuff going on like drugs and stuff and he wasn't happy because she distanced him from his friends in that school

[SjE78]

it's had its' knock on effects tbh like the medication (that i didn't need) and years of abuse have damaged my body, plus the bullying from them didn't stop even after i left their house... or even after they split up...

my father still pursues even when i moved far away, my mother (before she died, such a relief) did so much to take my kids off me...
was later found she had munchausen's and that she had every doctor convinced i was having bad seizures, she used to pump me full of epilepsy meds, and the worst one of those was Carbomazepine (think i spelled that right) and she had me on 3500mg per for an average day... if i disagreed with her or wasn't compliant or even seemed more aware and conscious she would up the dose until i became zombified.
but that particular med i later found out can damage the body inside and out... and oddly enough the organs it can damage i've been having issues with for a long time
thanks for the concern, but healthwise no, in fact cos of what happened as a kid and most my early life it's much worse and docs now are only just finding out the extent of damage... will say that some have even questioned how im still functioning lol

tbh that anger he has towards her could be something he has out of habit for her trying to protect him from such things, my eldest got in with the wrong crowd at his school and while i tried to get him out of there no school around a good distance had available places for him... so tried my damnedest to limit that exposure to the negative, however if dawned on me that he needed to learn for himself, so i stepped back, and left him to it... a very hard decision for me to do as i didn't want any of my kids to suffer... but at same time i didn't want to suffocate them in bubblewrap as life can be heartless sometimes

[SjE78]

it does sound like he has issues, and blames her for the controlling aspect which to him at the age he was he wouldn't see the hard choices a parent was making, but rather the after effects where he was taken from his friends and a place he liked.. he needs to sit down and ask his mother "why? what were HER reasons for choosing to do it?" i mean drugs and bad stuff at the school is a good enough reason in my opinion but he may need to hear it from her, which could be why their mother/son relationship has not been good since, as it was probably deemed by her as "he's a kid, he has to do as I say" type of thing
and kids tend to need to process events and given a reason and explanation as to why might help this but while she explains, he needs to listen and not fly off half cocked but to keep his feelings in check

this will greatly help them move past this, cos he will regret not having that connection with her

though i do believe his hatred is more out of habit now than an actual result of her doing something he didn't like cos it sounds like she was trying to do what was best for him

[Asker]

Thanks it really helped
Also its horrible what your parents do to you and I hope it gets better for you from now on... Both mentally and physically. It'll take time but with the right people you'll find that its easier.
Take care :)

[SjE78]

glad it helped and me too thank you

thanks and you too :) x

[Anonymous]

Its normal for arguments and fights to occur. Being angry is also normal. Not having a good relationship with someone is frustrating and could just be that. I think you should try and speak to him and say you dont like it and are worried. and if he takes it badly or if you start getting scared of him leave him.

[Reddwolf]

Definitely depends on how he is around you

[Asker]

He's fine around me but the thing is I still don't know him that well so