When does a person see YOU and not just what you bring to the table?

[DishLady]

A lot of people complain they feel used by the person they have feelings for. They're willing to do "whatever it takes" to get this person's attention, even if it means playing doormat...

I know, I know, not everyone sees it this way. And when the love is real there's no task too great or small, I agree.

But for those who struggle with where the boundary between "attracting" and "being used" lies, I'd love to have everyone's input on:

When do you think a person sees YOU for YOU and not just for what you bring to the table?

For me it's when

• There's nothing specific he needs from me but he admires my qualities and value.
• There's nothing specific I need from him but I admire his qualities and value.
• We'll do things for each other -- including show of appreciation.
• Compliment something personal, not just a practical skill.

Updates

6 mo

A guy can be financially stable and still a mentally unstable dbag… and I’d reject him (HAVE rejected a few).

[HawkPerception]

Hate to say it, but that's just how interactions are in society and basically every dynamic between living things. Even at a cellular level, cells decide which other cells are good and bad for their environment and react accordingly.

People don't love unconditionally. Not even parents do, although they're the closest thing to it. When it comes to dogs

When you choose a partner, you're judging them based on many factors. You don't choose just anyone on the block. Even whether they're a good person or not is part of "what they bring to the table." There are other factors, like if they're financially stable (which almost every girl would say is extremely important), if they're a family person, if they're kind to everyone around them, how intelligent they are, how well conversation flows with them, how similar/compatible they are with you, how physically attractive they are to you, or sexually compatible, etc. Those and many more, are factors or things that they bring to the table that people cannot ignore.

Even when it comes to kids and parents, there's a certain point that anyone would cut them out. If they've become too toxic to your household or to your life and nothing good comes from interacting with them, you cut them out.

And even if you have a pet dog (which everyone says is unconditional love... it's not), if you don't feed them, take them out for walks, pick up their shit, play with them, without expecting anything other than their love and joy being around you, let's see how long they'll remain friendly with you.

[HawkPerception]

To address the update, yes a man can be financially stable and still be a dbag, just the same way you can be a kind person and not financially stable. Just because you bring one thing to the table doesn't mean that makes you a desirable person. Everyone has their list of desirable traits or things that people bring to the table; a checklist.

[DishLady]

I meant it as a reply to you not an update. The app tricked me… 😂

[DishLady]

I think being kind is a stronger asset than being well off. Money comes and goes. If a person is nothing without their money then there’s no point to knowing that person.

[HawkPerception]

And that's great you think that way. Not a lot of women do, and a lot of men desire women who don't want to be with them for their money.

But I'm saying just one factor is usually not enough to attract someone to you. You have to bring a bundle of things you bring to the table that meet their checklist.

Even when you're dealing with guys, you don't just choose anyone on the block. You choose them based on what your checklist is.

[Summeroflove]

One thing that you can use is does this person have genuine empathy? Do they seem genuinely supportive when you’re going through something? Yes, people can love bomb and fake. But if someone is cold that’s a red flag.

Too much sex is called sex bombing… Especially if the sex is very early on maybe even day one.

Long term. That’s really it… For short periods of time people can pretend to be anything they think you want. But if someone’s consistently putting effort into the relationship, consistently is there when you’re having a rough day, and seems to still be that person. It’s all good signs. If it fades away… that’s not.

[DishLady]

Pre-sex, we’ll say. More like just helping the person out but they don’t “see” you.

[Summeroflove]

Yeah. It’s a red flag when someone’s pushing sex too soon especially if they ignore your boundaries in trying to seduce someone.

It takes time…. If someone’s wearing a mask eventually it will crack

[DishLady]

No I’m saying don’t factor sex in. It’s not a sexual question at all.

[Summeroflove]

I know it’s not. The issue is…. That’s what gets most people. The lust aspect

[DishLady]

Yeah? Hmm.

I feel a lot of folks see what I do for the community, I guess, which they take for granted — oh, she’ll do it. Without even asking or thinking I’m tired or have needs too. They’re blind to it.

But yeah, I see where you’re coming from as well.

[Summeroflove]

Yeah

[OlderAndWiser]

A partner sees you when you are comfortable and stop managing the impression you think you are making. This sometimes happens when you become ill and your partner becomes your temporary caretaker, when you suffer a personal tragedy and become vulnerable, but it usually happens when you feel confident that you are loved.

[DishLady]

That’s a bit past the scope of what I was thinking, OW, but I hear you.

I mean… if you’re just “the helpful sort” and acting out of affection and interest but the person doesn’t “see you”….

[worldscolide]

I can't really say.

For example, with my wife, I never saw her for what she brings to the table, I always saw her for the kindness she showed me, and the affection she showed me, the rest of it was just icing on the cake. According to my wife, it was very similar for her, it's why she was so direct with the fact that she wanted to stay with me. She says that it's because from day one, I took the time to understand her, and her autism. It was in her words "the most impressive thing about you".

[DishLady]

It’s true. When a guy takes the time to understand you rather than just labeling and brushing you off he’s special.

[Anonymous]

When that person is actually a decent person.

[Anonymous]

You ARE what you bring to the table.