Are high standards protecting you or isolating you?

[Anonymous]

[MrOracle]

One of my biggest frustrations is that when people hear (or talk about) having "high standards", most have essentially zero standards in the areas that matter (morals, values, compatible life goals), and sky-high, unreasonable standards in shallow areas that matter very little (looks, money, status). And then they wonder why they can't find a partner or can't maintain a relationship.

Here's the other thing most people can't seem to grasp: you CANNOT find everything you want in one single person. EVERYONE has deficiencies. Most really desirable traits come pre-packaged with undesirable ones. The more you get in one area, the less you're going to get someplace else.

It's kind of like the rule of building something: you can have it done fast, done cheap, or done right. You can pick a maximum of two - you absolutely cannot have all three.

Today, most people are "shopping" for a person who literally has everything they want (no such person exists, and no such person is even close to having everything you want), and then they are surprised when people who have even a significant percentage of what they want don't want them back.

The fact that so many people FAKE an image online to portray themselves as having everything, when most of them have very little, has made a lot of people believe that people who have everything not only exist, but are relatively common. Sure, they've never seen one in person, but there's a bunch of them on their apps. So they think they're going to get that somehow.

The other thing - and this is a major difference between men and women - is that most women either cannot or will not understand that there's a large percentage of men who would NEVER commit to them for a relationship but would still happily have sex with them. Most women, no matter how many times they're told, still somehow believe that if a man shows her sexual interest, that it means he has relationship interest in her, or that she's on his level because he's shown sexual interest. That's simply not how men work. Men's standards for relationships are FAR higher (and here, "standards" mean things like morals and values and life goals, not looks or sexual interest) than their standards for casual sex, which means a man being sexually interested in a woman merely means she's decent-looking-enough and doesn't seem to be overly psychotic - nothing more.

When a woman (most women, not all) find a man attractive, and he only shows sexual interest, most women DON'T WANT TO KNOW if his interest is ONLY sexual - she is just going to assume that he has relationship interest, even if she knows better, because it's what she WANTS to believe. And when that doesn't come true after having sex with him, she will blame and resent him AND ALL OTHER MEN, instead of taking any accountability for her own choices and lack of standards.

So, I definitely believe in having high standards in the areas of morals, values, and life-goal compatibility. I also thing that most people today (most women and some men) have ridiculously high standards in shallow areas that ultimately don't matter, and this only encourages people to sabotage their own relationships by making bad choices early on.

[molonski2]

Well written.. good summary.

[Summeroflove]

Both. Remember there is absolutely two extremes. One is narcissists who have unrealistic standards with nothing to offer. There is also people who will date any snake in the grass that will go out with them.

How do people protect themselves from the narcissists? Have standards. You’ll notice they are entitled to their own standards while also feeling a sense of entitlement to the people they want. They can dish it but can’t take it and many times will reject people as a means of feeling better of themselves.

You have to have boundaries. Also…. If someone just ain’t who you want even if he/she is a good person. You’re doing them a massive favor. By not wasting their time so they can find someone whose compatible. You’re doing them a favor.

[justtryingtogetby]

Personally I think it varies based on what your “high standards” are. For example my “high standards” are really bare minimum for the kind of man I wish to marry. I know I am I high value women of god. If wanting someone who believes in my same god and is spiritually strong and is able to lead our future family is too “high maintenance” for someone I simply won’t settle. Men want women who are homemakers but don’t want to provide. 🤷‍♀️ I mean yes I have a few things that I will admit are princess treatment that I want from my husband but also I know what I also bring to the table as well. So personally my standards are protecting me. I have opinions but not ones I see potential in :)

[DishLady]

Both. High standards protect you from certain creeps and toxicity, but it's also lonely up top with those nice standards when everyone else is wading through the low-moral swamp and making it look like a grand old time.

[ohsheeT]

Sometimes we isolate ourselves to understand that higher standard, to become that higher standard to grow become wiser, and we can't do it around other people. We need the quiet. We need ourselves to understand ourselves in a very quiet, isolated moment of time. That's how we grow

[Rei13]

I’d say a bit of both tbh

[serious]

They are of course protecting me. Yes I have standards and I have drafted these standards keeping in mind the kind of person I am. My standards are such that I only expect what I can fully give.

Yes protecting myself is more important for me than exploring things. I am fully aware that such a protection will come at a cost. There is a price for everything. This would also mean I will be alone, single and for my lifetime. That's fine.

I am ready to pay that price but my high standards will remain just the way they are.

[RavVid]

Worthwhile calculating the percentage of your gender preference that would meet your high standards.

17 reasonable standards would reduce the pool down to one person in the US satisfying reqs. And they might reject you out of hand.

It is more the number of high & independent standards that will isolate you. Some might correlate. Male height and income might be correlated. Male real estate agents tend to be tall for example and they might sell more houses.

I think if fewer than 1 in a 1,000 have the standards you want then you have a lot of door knocking to do. 1 in 100 is more reasonable.

[dragoblack]

A bit of both. I have a modern baseline standard that honestly isn't even that high, but sadly from my experience (and it honestly may just be the 50 mile area of where I live) there's not many single women who even meet it.
My standard is: to treat me as a person, take care of your own health, be honest, communicate, show you can be emotionally mature, don't be a toxic & petty individual, have a hobby or interest you are passionate about, don't be a slob, and understand the old 1950s standards of dating don't work in modern society where everyone is struggling. It's honestly pretty basic to ask for

[OneViewpoint]

Both. Anyone who doesn't realize that is not grounded in reality. High standards can help keep the assholes and idiots to a minimum. But managing the people you surround yourself with also removes a lot of people from your social circle. I'm OK with that. I'm an introvert. I want a small group of people in my social circle. I don't have the patience for a large group of people who don't really add anything to my life and only dilute my quality time with quality people.

[bobalife]

Both in the best ways and not wasting time or energy on the wrong people. Value your worth, respect, time, and heart to give to the right person you allow in your space… because that’s a privilege people aren’t always deserving of and may take for granted / advantage of.
Romantic terms, I rather be alone than be in love and miserable with the wrong person.

[Master_Debator]

Standards? You mean not fucking fat people, drug addicts, and mental retards? If it's isolating me from them... I feel protected.

[Zack-Bann]

Both.
I’ve lowered them in the past and it didn’t end well.
So I’m forcing myself to keep them high.
But that comes with a lot of missed opportunities.


In the long run it’s probably for the best but it’s not easy to do short term

[Kelley1]

Having unrealistic, and unattainable standards for something of prime importance to you is foolish.

[MissSunshine2]

A bit of both. I always follow this rule in my thirties; to raise my standards personality wise and to lower them looks wise.

[ProbablyClueless]

Protecting me, at this point. I spent way too long in life not enforcing clear enough boundaries with people.

[LazerBean]

They have been protecting me. The trick is you have to offer the same quality that you demand

[ABitShattered]

High standards are protective honestly. Why compromise something fundamental in your eyes for someone else? That's not true to yourself and thus not to them either.

[jshm2]

Neither. They are high standards, not high barriers.

[jahaims]

Having high standards is only isolating if your standards are higher than your qualifications

[snermcger]

Only an idiot or a Communist (synonymous really) would consider high standards exclusive.

[Staximus]

Both. My friend said my standards are higher than a yeti smoking weed on top of Mount Everest

[CuriousMufuxka]

Neither. I don't conform to them. Might as well include any preconceived standard.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have high standards if that’s your man in the picture. Any guy can get you

[Asker]

If that’s your takeaway, you missed the entire point of the question.

High standards aren’t about looks, they’re about alignment.

[NathanDavis]

I don't "standards"

[PeachyPie93]

Both but I don't mind..

[queenofcardio]

I don't feel isolated at all.

[Nikki1989]

Protecting. I know what I want.

[WhitneySnow]

Both probably

[MrChinaski]

The problem is others' low performance.

[Kelly6]

@MontBlanc Isolates

[msc545]

Probably both actually.

[smashleyy]

A bit of both

[Miristheiss]

In dating?

[Siggie2]

Both

[beefcakebradybatson]

Both.