What do I do with a man that is afraid of committing?

[Tdragon]

For context I met this man on tinder over a year ago, we hung out for 3 months but it was only at his house, he came to my house once. We didn’t really do much other than watch movies or shows, we occasionally went out. For the longest time I thought maybe he was embarrassed to be with me. Last year I constantly asked him how he was feeling or what we were doing and it was a very bland answer of “getting to know each other”, he wanted to get to know me more by going out and doing things, seeing how I interacted around people.

The issue with that is he didn’t have a job last year so we never went out, I also wasn’t in a place where I could afford much. I eventually got tired of it and ended things with him, 6 months later he texted me apologizing and telling me that he was drinking a lot and struggling with his mental health and he would love to “kick it” again. I was in a relationship at that time so we didn’t hangout. Fast forward to a month ago, he texted me again telling me he wants to hang out, I thought why not, it’s been a year I can at least see what he wants.

Well this time he took me on dates and sincerely apologized for how he was last year, and we’ve been having a lot of fun. But this time around he is openly drinking, which is fine but I worry if he only likes me when he’s drinking. I also worry that things will go back to how they were before because we’re comfortable with each other, for the most part. I just feel conflicted because I don’t know if he actually likes me and I don’t know if I want commitment right now.

Updates

3 mo

I don’t have tinder anymore, or any dating apps for that matter, I also know the “stereotype” of having that app which is why I don’t have it. And to expand on my comment about commitment, I also have my own issues and I know I do, I just don’t want to be in the same situation I was last year. I had never put anything personal online like this and wasn’t expecting so much feedback but I appreciate it. Sometimes it’s nice seeing things from different perspectives. I’ll keep updating as I go along

[ohsheeT]

Ok so your wondering if it will go back to where it was

In it own way already back to that and further back , and it's going to go even further back

The reason why he's with you is because you don't give him crap for drinking you allow him to treat you a certain way that gives him comfort? So of course , he's going to drink openly in front of you , that's going to get ten times worse

Ask.\nHim if he can stop drinking or ask him to stop for 1 week. And he won't be able to do it. He won't be able to go anyplace with you without drinking. He won't be able to come over to your house or you go over him drinking

In a certain way , you're enabling him to drink but see if he can prove it to you. Don't take my word for it. Just see if he can prove it to you 1 week without drinking. Because I guarantee you he can't in his mind. He can say, yes, but in reality his body is saying no. And his body is now in controlling him , not his brain

So if you think it's gotten better, it hasn't, it's going to get 10 times worse. Im sorry that I had to say that , but I would rather you hear it , at least before it all happens because it's going to take you down too or it could does he drive when you're out drinking or when he's out drinking

You\nThink you're in a relationship, but you really not. He's in a relationship with one thing , and that is Alcohol

[ohsheeT]

So if you have an 18 to 25-year-old daughter right now, and she just asked you the same question, what would you tell her, do you think she would have a great life with somebody who drinks a lot, do you think she'd have a great life? Where's somebody that does that? And then can't even commit, or would you tell her to walk away and start your New Year right now today because when you walk away, he's going to think about it and depending on how you do it, then he has to come up with his own answer. But you deserve to be happy, you deserve to experience and explore, and if a guy's not gonna commit to you and you have to commit to yourself anyway.\n Experience life. It is very short. Do things that you wouldn't normally do to things that are going to make you happy. Do new things to experience it? When you start experiencing life everything changes

[Tdragon]

That’s a very good way to look at it, cause if I had a daughter I would tell her to leave him in the dust and find somebody that truly wants to be with her.

[ohsheeT]

Yes first I would tell her look you know I can't tell you what to do can only tell you what I see and you are worth way more than what I our walking in to. And you know that and that's all I would say so I say the same words to you. It will end up taking a toll on you and there no reason to live in that world.. if you drink with him them we both know im wasting my breath. But its your choice

[lightbulb27]

Go see a therapist the two of you. he's got issues and you are young. Find multiple therapists, til one cracks the nut. No... they aren't all good and they cannot cure you, you can cure you.

Your generation and mine... raised with fears. Some of them are real. We all have problems. Relationships expose them and raise them to the surface. Deal with them now rather than later, hopefully you can grow together and increase trust. that will help a lot.

The question to the therapist is "Hi, What the F is going on here? help?" I look forward to hearing their answer.

[Tdragon]

I’d wanna hear their thoughts as well on that question

[MissSunshine2]

I've found myself in a similar situation, where it turns out that the guy was acting hot and cold because he's either my doctor's or therapist's son or his family didn't approve, because they're all really academic and very wealthy and I'm neither of those things. It took a direct question from me to find out what was going on there. Since we talked it out and decided we want to be together regardless, we decided to work things out after we finish our education. He's now pursuing me as a guy who's interested should. Acting more like my boyfriend.

The best advice I can give you is to not to overthink about what could potentially become quite a good and promising relationship. If he's the right man for you, you can discuss this stuff with him and give each other mutual reassurance. That's what a partnership involves. One can never know what is in another person's head unless they talk directly to the person. Good luck. As I said, it sounds promising to me.

[Tdragon]

Of course I want to agree and say it sounds promising as well but I appreciate the brutal honesty from all other comments. I think they’re right

[SueShe]

Getting to know a person is a lengthy process that takes months if not years and even then, you do never know a person inside out. Who is going to tell you that he is an addict, that he has a criminal record or anything that would blow his chances to date you.

Some people go a lifelong hiding a big lie. Now, there are plenty of red flags to consider as well (on both sides by the way).

The fact that he is drinking could mean he is an alcoholic. Also you state that you are in a relationship and yet you want to meet him. That is a big no no. How can you endorse the fact that he is openly drinking. That should be enough to take your distance.

He may be confident around you when intoxicated but not when sober. This is not a story that is going to end well.

[Tdragon]

Correction- I was in a relationship but I wasn’t when we started hanging out again.
But you’re right, and I guess my only explanation is I always try to see the good in others until it turns bad. And for some reason I couldn’t let this person go

[Chazmatazz269]

There’s no such thing.
The assumption of a “fear of commitment” is typical female narcissistic obfuscation of one simple truth: he’s just not that into you. There’s a whole book on the matter.
Pick it up. Get over it and move on.

[DishLady]

Why would YOU want a commitment with a drunkard? You're looking for drama in my opinion.

An ex is an ex for a reason. If he's with you bc he is drinking or "just to hang out" then there's no potential for anything serious there.

[OlderAndWiser]

After knowing someone for this long, you should not have these questions. He is not going to change and you are wasting your time.

[Adam_INTJ]

If he's making progress on finances, try to press him on whether he wants a relationship. If he's not making progress on finances, cut him loose. You don't want him to be a burden.

But make it clear: either he commits to a relationship or you're out. No third option. No flirty shoulder to cry on. No situationship.

If you give him lenience, he'll take every bit of it and ask for more. So demand commitment and make sure he knows that you'll be dating other guys if he doesn't commit.

[MisterPandemonium]

It sounds like this guy is trying to get his life together. That's probably his priority for right now. He might not be thinking about a future with you, so much as he's seeing if he can hold it together enough to have a normal healthy relationship with a woman.

If he's a recovering alcoholic, he probably shouldn't be drinking at all, by the way. You didn't say he's a recovering alcoholic, but it kinda sounds like he might be.

[Tdragon]

He is a recovering alcoholic. I don’t know why I thought it was okay, truthfully when we started hanging out again I didn’t think much of it, I was more interested in why he wanted to see me again, I was brutally honest with him when I ended things and was not nice at all, but now I feel like I’m back to where I was a year ago.

[MontBlanc]

Don’t try to fix him.

If he’s afraid of commitment, he’s either not ready or not aligned. You can’t persuade someone into readiness.

Be clear about what you want then watch his actions.

If he steps up, good. If he hesitates, adjust your availability.

Commitment is offered, not extracted.

[Theunfadeable]

You have to be appreciative that this guy is being honest and respect the fact that he doesn’t want to to commit. You can try to change his mind but you can’t be upset if you failed because he was upfront from the start. I would pull the Band-Aid off now and work on finding somebody on the same page that you’re on cause now you’re wasting time on somebody who you know doesn’t want the same thing you want.

[RingOfFire]

Doesn't sound healthy to me. Lasting relationships sometimes have steps backwards, but the overall trajectory, at least in the stage you should be in with him by now is always forward. I would be careful with this and have other irons in the fire until he is able to be more committal to you. And it sounds like he has a drinking problem too which is also a red flag.

[bobalife]

Run girl run 🏃🏻‍♀️‍➡️
It’s not worth it unless the person is showing or expressing they’re ready. There’s other people out there who’s ready for a relationship and can offer more.

[jshm2]

Lol, seems like he's a deadbeat, and poor with his finances.

You'd best get out of there.

[WhitneySnow]

I don’t think he likes you at all. He’s just likes having sex without having to spend money on you.

[Tdragon]

We actually haven’t had sex yet. We did last year but not often, which I also don’t quite understand, because it leads to so much confusion, he holds my hand, cuddles me, gives me kisses but nothing more

[WhitneySnow]

Interesting! That sounds great actually. Other than the drinking, what makes you think he doesn’t like you?

[Tdragon]

I have hard time determining if it’s him or the way I’ve received love in the past, because in the past people are almost obsessive like texting and calling all the time, wanting to see me every day stuff like that.
With him I might hear from him once a day, or not at all, but he’s explained that as he doesn’t like to text all the time and he prefers quality time together instead. But it makes it difficult if I want to hang out with him he might not respond, so we really only hang out when he wants to.

[WhitneySnow]

That’s more normal, not texting obsessively. But you guys should still hang out not just when he wants to.

[Abbycado]

Why are you worried about what to do with him not committing when you aren't sure that you want to commit?

[Tdragon]

I don’t want to fully commit to him until I know he’s committed to me. Last year I was full on committed and went along with everything and ended up being the hurt one. This time has felt different but how do I really know it’s different.

[Alex-Snow]

The drinking thing sounds scary to me. Can you try to do things with him that do not involve drinking? Maybe long walks or a hike etc? Are you having sex with him... if so how is that going?

[Tdragon]

He didn’t drink the last time we hung out (that I know of), and was still cuddly and interested in me. But to answer that question no we aren’t having sex as of right now.

[snermcger]

He's a drunk
ctrl-alt-delete>>Task Manager>>End Task

[queenofcardio]

I wouldn't even bother. Sounds like a waste of time

[CuriousMufuxka]

You are re-returning to the same old thing. You're most likely noticing traits now that weren't so easy to pick up on before. Don't let your vulnerabilities get the better of you.

[Pterodon]

There’s no such thing as fear of commitment. It’s a pussy way of saying you’re not marriage material to me. When his Miss Right comes along all those “fears” will magically disappear

[MereAnarchy]

Choose a random guy off the street. He will likely treat you better.

[fivebyfour]

It looks to me like he's committed to alcohol rather than you,,,

[noohair]

Alcohol is a form of self medication for emotional pain. I drank for that reason.

[Tdragon]

He’s definitely got some emotional pain, and has been more open about his life than he was. But after reading all the comments can I still even excuse his behavior?

[Nikki1989]

But you aren't much better.

[Tdragon]

Will you expand on this?

[slatyb]

You stop wasting time and move on.

[DonaldDarko]

Worthless drunk probably on dope too.

[LiamS95]

Cut him loose as I doubt he'll ever commit

[NicholasofAustralia]

Always love your ballsy answers Liam. After all, "there's always another fish and nowadays it's even easier to swipe right for" 🐠🐟 in the sea

[beefcakebradybatson]

DUMP DAT DUDE !!!

[Telekinetic-Potato]

🚩🚩🚩

[jahaims]

Move on