Guys, what do I do if he's scared to commit?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone

So I've been dating this guy for a while who I met through the app "Bumble". He's really sweet, funny and he also seems interested. There's a genuine connection between us. It's been a year since me and my then boyfriend R broke up. Since the break-up, I've been scared to trust people. I'm afraid that if I get too attached they might leave. It's not exactly fear of commitment, but it's more fear of not committing to someone.

Now, this guy I'm dating (let's call him KW), he is different. We just naturally click something that hasn't happened to me in a long time. We've kissed, we've had sex, it just felt right. The problem for me is that it's not really clear what exactly we are. A lot of people tell me that I shouldn't be stressed and just enjoy it. I'm trying to let it go, but it still kind of haunts me. We've talked about it and he's told me a lot about his ex. They were on and off for almost a year. She really hurt him. He also said that he's afraid to commit to anyone and that he never just jumps into a relationship, it takes time. I don't want to push him and I try not to expect anything.

But still, I'm scared that he might leave if he doesn't feel like it anymore. How do I make sure that I don't get hurt? It's just really difficult for me because I overthink a lot. In my previous relationship, everything was clear and now I just feel insecure. What do you guys suggest I do?

xo Cee

[SueShe]

The thing with online dating platforms is that you cannot really build up the same kind of relationship from the ground up as when you are together with someone that you know since a while, say like from high school.

Both of you have are somehow blocked by past experiences and that is what is holding you both back from going to the "full trust" move.

Since both experienced separations, you know that there is never going to be a time where you will be able to fully trust anyone unconditionally because of that.

Love life is full of ups and downs, but mostly downs in the beginning, until you have reached that maturity and after so many deceptions.

Don't let your first bad experience impact on how you perceive your future relations.

You need to talk about those experiences openly with you new crush and both should be open on your individual experiences and what can be done to overcome them but mainly, what NOT to do for your relation to last.

Most likely, you will fall again but that what makes a winner a winner. The ability to get up again and again and to not only see the negative parts but learn from them.

Good luck!

[Asker]

Thank you! What you're saying is 100% true.

[SteveSmith1985]

@SueShe I agree wholeheartedly. You are one exceptionally insightful 17 year-old. You're wise beyond your years. 🙂

[SueShe]

@SteveSmith1985 thanks and now I am blushing

I am just using my brains and think of how I would react in a case like that and what I would do if it happened to me ;-)

[SueShe]

@SteveSmith1985 I see you are from Canada. Great country. I have been there so many times. Take good care of this great country of yours

[SteveSmith1985]

@SueShe I agree, putting yourself in another's shoes, is the only way to figure out what someone else should do. But... some do it better than others 😉.

Glad to hear you're a fan of Canada! I love it. Don't you worry, we Canadians will make sure we remain awesome, and worth a visit 🇨🇦

[SueShe]

@SteveSmith1985 I know Montreal and greater Toronto pretty well in the meantime!

[SueShe]

Thanks for the MHO.

Hope your situation gets fixed soon ;-)

[morimeme1]

I feel like people need real motivation to get over themselves and push away their bad experiences to enjoy a new relationship but here it seems that you already have given each other all the perks that come with a relationship (connection, sex etc) so I do not see what would actually motivate him to change this comfortable situation for him. Commitment is the hard part, why would you do that when you already have the good parts? That's why I don't have sex without commitment, I really don't know, all you can do is wait and prey really.

[emmily2396]

It is simple, don't do stuff you would do into a relationship with someone you are not in a relationship with. What does relationship mean to you? Just that you are faithful to each other? I wouldn't go further than a kiss or hug with someone I am not with.

[Asker]

Thanks for your reply! I don't regret having sex with him, everybody's different. We're currently dating so he isn't seeing anyone else, but it's not official yet. I want to make sure that I don't push him. I just need to take it slowly and enjoy it.

[emmily2396]

Then how would being in a relationship change things? Just that he didn't decide your are in a relationship? As long as he is faithful and he treats yoy right i honestly don't see the difference, so why is it so important?
I would personally avoid doing stuff like that because I need to be sure first they are worthy and can be trusted. But since you 2 already act like in a relationship I don't see why it would be a problem

[Asker]

Yeah, you're right. After all, it's just a label. Thank you!

[slatyb]

Stop worrying about the future in a short-term relationship. Enjoy the present, talk about the future, but don't expect serious commitment early in a relationship. Even if it's promised, it's not guaranteed. And don't think you can trade sex for love. Have sex because you want sex. Don't have sex because you think it will make a guy stick around.

[SteveSmith1985]

I've always been a big fan of just trying to have a frank conversation about it. It at least answers some of the questions that you overthink.

I would say essentially what you've said in your question description... But say it to him. See what he has to say. Know what's going on.

[bklynbadboy1]

I think you should tell him how you feel. But you know where you went wrong right. You should've never had sex with him until you new what it was. When are people gonna learn that SEX COMPLICATES THINGS! So now your feelings are involved cause you didn't protect yourself so you have two choices you can stay and just deal with it which I wouldn't do cause you won't be happy. So all you can do is talk to him and see where his head is

[slatyb]

People should have sex because they want to have sex. For many adults, it's just sex, not a promise or expectation of commitment.

[bklynbadboy1]

That true but you have to be able to handle that type of relationship and but able to separate your emotions from the sex. You have to be honest for most sex complicates things

[Asker]

@slatyb Yeah that's true. I didn't have sex with him because I wanted him to commit.

[bklynbadboy1]

@Cee007 Okay so what do you want cause you stated the thing that bothers you is you dont know what it is

[Asker]

I had sex with him because it felt like it. You are right that it does kinda complicate things lol. In the long run, I'd want a relationship, but we'll see how things go. I'm just gonna try to enjoy it and don't worry about later.

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice ;)

[bklynbadboy1]

Your very welcome and good luck

[luvstoned4him]

to ensure you dont get hurt, take it as it comes. Just be chill. As your friend mentions enjoy it. Dont develop any high expectations because if and when he doesn't come through you will be left hurt.

[Asker]

That's really good advice, thank you!

[luvstoned4him]

@Asker your welcome

[blkgold33]

How long you been seeing this guy? Right now seems everything ok don't rush thing wait until he ready to commit

[Asker]

I've been seeing him for a few months now. I don't want to rush things and I don't want to push him. I want him to feel comfortable with me. I just gotta stop thinking so much and enjoy it ;) Thanks for your advice!!

[elissa23Trans]

I stopped settling for fuckboys who want their cake and want to eat it too. It’s all or nothing. I want security, certainty. I don’t want my life to depend on your every whim. That’s exactly what I tell these wishy washy guys who “aren’t sure they are ready” . Don’t close the door behind you, cause I’m going to let the next reliable candidate in ;-)

[Thatsamazing]

" what exactly we are" uhh... you're two people who like each other. If you don't like him then leave him alone. If you do like him then keep doing what you're doing. What is complicated about this.
"A lot of people tell me that I shouldn't be stressed and just enjoy it" ... yes.

[Iron_Man]

Basically you will just sayi I'm not ready to commit yet

[Passinggas]

Do what some of my genius gfs tried, trap him with a pregnancy.

[Asker]

Hahaha no way? Well, I can't even take care of myself so I sure as hell can't take care of a baby lol

[SexyAshh]

Open relationship

Or dont commit at all