Why won’t this man let me go if he won’t commit to a relationship?

[MissSunshine2]

After a year and a half of attempts to get a man who was a close friend that I was in love with, to commit, I finally accepted that I wasn't what he wanted and for some reason, he wasn't honest with me about it sooner, when he admitted to having a promising first date with another woman, after agreeing to be exclusive with me. Since then, he's been popping up online on dating apps, wanting to maintain contact and he's been popping up on here, too, making new profiles; and he's started talking of commitment. I am genuinely confused. Is it because I am Autistic that I don't get the behaviour?

[MontBlanc]

He’s not letting go because he likes having access to you, not because he’s suddenly ready to commit.

His behavior is inconsistent: agreeing to exclusivity, then dating someone else, disappearing, then coming back talking about commitment.

That usually means he wants the connection and attention, but not the responsibility of a real relationship.

This isn’t about you being Autistic or “not getting it.”

His actions are simply mixed and unreliable.

What matters is the pattern: when someone truly wants to commit, their behavior is clear and consistent.

What you’re seeing isn’t confusion, it’s inconsistency. And that’s your answer.

[Grond21]

We don't know his heart or his thoughts, so all we have are guesses. With that in mind, here are a few possibilities.

He has had a change of heart, and wants you now.
He realized he can't keep using you, and he is trying to stroke his ego by getting you back.
He hates losing, so wants to get you back so he can be the one to dump you instead.
He wants you and other women at the same time.
Or something else.

It is not because of your autism, sometimes people are just confusing.

[William7489]

You all probably missed each other for a reason and it’s best not to really worry about it. It sounds like he wants to keep you around and may not be interested in anything serious so it may not be a big loss. I hope it works out for you.

[siefert_S]

This behavior often indicates that he is using your presence as a "safety net" to avoid the discomfort of being truly alone, even if he isn't ready for a real partnership. When someone realizes they are losing access to your support, they may use talk of commitment as a tool to keep you from moving on, effectively draining your "emotional tank" with false hope. This confusion isn't caused by your neurodiversity; it is a direct result of his lack of transparency and radical honesty. A successful sanctuary is built on consistent actions, not just words. Prioritizing your own mental clarity and walking away from inconsistent behavior is the best way to maintain your self-respect.

[live2dance25]

I’m not sure, he may be wishy washy, or just doesn’t want to commit. Don’t beat yourself up on it, I’m sure you will find the love of your life someday.

[MissSunshine2]

What does he actually want? Is he changing his mind, or more likely, just wanting to use or settle for me?

[live2dance25]

It could be some or all the above. Try to realize the right one for you won’t settle or see you as any less than worth it. Because for someone out there, you are worth it.

[MissSunshine2]

I agree. Mum said that if a man is really interested, he'll chase you himself. Leaving no doubt that he's interested. I have found one that is chasing me now. Meanwhile the wishy washy one has changed his mind today, after no contact and asked me out on a date.

[Jennz6]

Red Flag 🚩

[MissSunshine2]

What do you figure he wants from me?

[Jennz6]

@MissSunshine2
Most guys just want sex

[MissSunshine2]

He wouldn’t sleep with me though at all, so maybe he enjoyed the attention?

[Jennz6]

@MissSunshine2
Prolly right

[MissSunshine2]

😊👍

[Zionne]

You're reasonable