Why do some guys assume an attractive girl is out of their league in dating?

[Bubbleteawrites13]

I’ve noticed this idea a lot online and in discussions about dating, and it made me curious. Why does that assumption happen? Is it insecurity, social pressure, or something else? I’m not asking about a specific situation, just interested in people’s perspectives and experiences.

[SomeGuy5]

Because there are too many other dudes.

I'll take my own life as an example.

I never met many women, neither in high school, college, nor at work. There just weren't that many there. The few I did meet met a lot of other guys who also didn't meet many women. I'm guessing about half were single at any given time, so there were really fewer than it seemed.

So the competition was crazy. I didn't get a lot of experience, and the little I did was mostly negative. I never a had a chance to learn "how to talk to women". I felt as if I was disposable, because I was.

I don't blame them. If you are at a party, and there are 3-6 dudes for every woman there, of course, they are not gonna let down everyone gently. Maybe the first few, but everyone wears down. After a few parties, she's out of patience. It is understandable.

It is even more so the case if she is pretty and single. Word gets around. Say every dude there makes a move on one girl, a girl might be approached 6 times, but it's not like that. Everyone goes after the same few, so a pretty girl might be approached 18 times in an evening, if every guy just approaches 1. She might be the nicest person in the world, but she will run out of patience at some point, and then she won't be.

And let's be real, as a guys you will likely approach more than one, so you can imagine how the pretty girls must feel.

Online dating is the same. Most apps are 4 or 5 dudes for every woman, so of course you won't be treated as a person. You get lost in the pile.

You then start going after gradually less attractive women, who will treat you gradually better until you find your "league". That sweet spot, where you can handle the rejections, where you have the social skills to talk to them, and where you can manage the effort it takes.

It doesn't have to have a lot to do with you as a person; there are just too many others.

[SueShe]

There is no such thing as a league when it comes to people.

Those categories have been created by people to categorize humans into castes, just like in India. The leagues don't say anything about the people at all but are an artificial construct to make someone look more or less important.

There are millions of examples where people of different leagues have met and found each other without any prejudice to either person.

But people want to create those artificial leagues because they believe that a person must fit into a specific category. This is a silly way to attempt to segregate people and to make them believe that they are better or worse than others.

[Nikki1989]

It is simply a weak but convenient excuse to blame for their failures.

[OneViewpoint]

A lot of guys are really insecure and very worried about rejection. Instead of just walking up to an attractive woman and starting a conversation without really caring about the outcome, they are crushed if she rejects them. Even if she does it in the nicest way possible. Their own anxiety comes across as needy creepy behavior. It ruins any chance they have of getting to know the woman.

And because their behavior gets them rejected constantly, they have pretty low experience interacting with women. That's makes them depressed and cynical. And that's just ensures more failure.

And a lot of guys are blind to their self inflicted problems.

[msc545]

Rejection hurts in case you hadn't noticed. Have it happen a few times and you're going to flinch before you start approaching some woman who you think is likely to reject you. Have it happen more than a few times and you're going to stop approaching women? Generally. This is a normal and natural response and you'd like to make if different because somehow you think that men have an obligation to do things that are likely to cause them pain. Since you're a man I'll just tell you flat out. We do enough things as men that causes pain without you somehow deciding that we are cowards. If we don't follow your recommendations, you go out there right and ask women out of your we to go out with you or have sex with you and see how it feels when they reject of the and see how willing you are to keep doing that because some guy tells you you should.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

Why does rejection matter so much to you? You don't know what she's got going on. Boyfriend. Health problems. Bad relationships. Work stress. Money problems. You're not her type. She's been abused. Whatever. She has a right to say no for any reason or no reason. Smile, exit gracefully, and on to the next one. The way I look at it, I'm not expecting anything other than filling a little time with some maybe fun conversation and flirting. Anything more is a bonus. Anything at all is experience and learning.

[msc545]

I think it has more to do with your expectation that men will continue to approach women but they clearly have no chance with or at least believe they have no chance with as some sort of measure of courage. My view that kind of behavior not so much as courage as it is inflicting self-harm. The only men that I've ever known that would encourage other men to do this kind of thing are dating coaches and that's because they make their money from encouraging men to do things like this even though they're harmful to the men that come to them for help.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

Man, you are mentally warped. Are you actually 39?

Have no chance with? Chance to do what? What's your expectation when you talk to a complete stranger?

Measure of courage? No dumbass, I'm just having a conversation, killing some time, and flirting. Courage is going into combat. Is that what talking to a woman is like for you? I feel bad for you.

Man, you really do not get this whole social interaction thing do you? And that's my point. You are your own worst enemy. Chill. Relax. Go in with no expectations other than a conversation. Rejection is not the end of the world. It's just one person not feeling you in a single moment. Damn, you are weak.

[msc545]

You really have absolutely no understanding of the distress that some men feel after being repeatedly rejected and even worse. No sympathy for it.

[msc545]

By the way, insulting me personally is only going to be mildly annoying, but will definitely lead to me bUltimately blocking you. Have the decency to be a little bit of a gentleman please. I've enjoyed many of the things you've written, but unfortunately the current topic doesn't include any of it.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

You don't need sympathy. You need someone to tell you the truth for once in your life. I'm not trying to insult you. I'm trying to get you to acknowledge that you are part of your own problem. If you want to block me go ahead. Run away from your problems again. Wallow in self pity. Or change. Up to you. I have no control over your situation.

[msc545]

I don't see myself being part of my own problem since I have the knowledge and the ability to not invite trouble. There was a time when I didn't ignore warnings, when I failed to ignore warnings, and at that time I would admit that, yeah, I probably was doing some things that I shouldn't have been doing. That time has long passed. So I don't need your advice and I don't need your sympathy. Thank you.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

Excellent, you have now arrived at the conclusion you have no problem. So all that self pity about rejection and being butthurt was just unclear thinking on your part. There is no pain. And you're doing everything right. Enjoy your continued success.

Let me tell you how my night went yesterday. I met 3 new women from three different groups of women. In each case a woman I already know and have spent months talking to in short conversations without ever overtly hitting on anyone in their group brought over a friend a I hadn't met yet to introduce her. Why? Because they sorta feel like they know me by now. They trust me because they see me interacting with other people they know and the waitstaff on a first name basis.

Did I hit on any of these three newcomers immediately? Ask for their numbers? Ask if they wanted to fuck? No!. In 2 cases I had maybe a 5 - 10 min conversation where we wandered back to their group and I said hello to everyone and made sure to focus on the new gal. Then I excused myself and went back to my friends. Just a short first introduction. Don't overstay your welcome. Now when we run into each other again either of us can wave hello and approach. That's how it's done.

[OneViewpoint]

continued...

As for the 3rd newbie, the woman I know best in that group brought the new girl over under the premise they wanted to get away from the rest of the group for a few min. OK, sure. My group sorta dissolved opening up seats and their group just sorta surrounded me for the rest of the night. New girl took the seat next to me. She's extremely good looking but very heavy on the makeup. Not a deal killer. Anyway at some point I was standing and the hot blonde who brought over new girl probably had a few. She grabs my arm and leans in to tell me New Girl asked her to bring her over to meet me. Then she says "Oh gosh I shouldn't have said that. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut." 🤣

It was obvious the entire group was clearing the path blocking for new girl to spend time talking to me. So how did it end? I didn't ask for her number or ask her out. We'll meet up again next week. We'll talk some more. She'll hopefully get more comfortable with me. Or not. 🤣 And I'll have a chance to read her better too. 👍 At some point I'll ask her if she wants to grab dinner. It will be totally natural and organic, not abrupt and uncomfortable. We'll both know if there's chemistry or not. Anticipation will have time to build.

[msc545]

Excellent! You are a wonderful, insightful, arrogant human being who is not very bright, but certainly is quite enamored of himself nonetheless. I'm sure all those women are going to enjoy you and your money and your insight and your success as you cater to them.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

And you are sad pathetic little man who would rather whine about your problems from a couch and keyboard than do anything to change your dismal situation. I'm betting your career looks a lot like your love life, perpetually passed over for promotions and stuck in a rut whining about lack of opportunity. Who do you blame for that achievement? Because I know that's not your fault either.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

Dude we share some common values and I salute you for your sensible approach to government and economics. But we are nothing alike when it comes to personality.

[msc545]

Thank God we are nothing alike.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

Agreed. If I had your life I'd commit suicide.

[msc545]

You are not smart enough to have my life, asshole.

[OneViewpoint]

@msc545 ,

Meaning my IQ is above 80. Got it.

[Daniel707]

I’ve always gone for women out of my league. Actually…. I’ve had better luck doing so number one if a woman whose top tier chooses me out of all the other men she can pick it tells me…. this woman really wants to build a connection and isn’t just choosing me because I’m the best she can find in that regard.

More attractive women get approached less so asking these women out as well as the fact some of these women will be pretty forwards when they like you.

You’re right it comes down to insecurity, social pressures and the other things you mentioned. Yes, rejection happens some people are in committed relationship and some people just won’t be that into you. It’s nothing personal as long as she isn’t a bitch about if. What if she’s a bitch? Well you dodged a bullet.

[CarolineWhizz]

I think most guys believe that attractive women can pick and choose who they go out with. To an extent this is true - if a girl has plenty of guys around her then she's going to choose the best ones, obviously. If you're a guy who considers himself to be just an average Joe, someone that these women are not going to even notice, let alone pick, then it feels like those women are "out of your league"

[Master_Debator]

Everyone has a certain awareness level of their sexual market value and for a lot of dudes, that can effect their choice in trying at all. I mean women do it too... I've been avoided simply because she thinks she's not hot enough. I've also have been aggressivly pursued by women that should have done that self assessment.

With all that said... it depends on the person.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

In some cases, the guy is probably just trying to be realistic. If a guy sees himself as a 6, he'd probably be wasting his time pursuing a girl who's a 9.

But it depends on whether you're talking about a guy deciding not to pursue one particular girl, or deciding never to pursue any girls at all.

If a guy thinks EVERY girl is out of his league, that's probably because he has a self-esteem problem.

[msc545]

Some women are so narcissistic that literally no man can make their standards or approach them. Hoping to have any sort of intimate relationship with them. I am not certain how some women become this way, but I have certainly met some of them and they are rather unusual and somewhat disturbing creatures and it is very difficult to even have a conversation with them in a reasonable way.

[bowenw]

From their past experience and observations.

[beefcakebradybatson]

I don't think I've ever though a woman out of my league.

[Zionne]

social pressure might be

[jamesgoldman]

Because they usually are

[jahaims]

Because that is how most people treat it.

[Iron_Man]

Because they are insecure

[In_Trance]

Because it's frequently true

[Godihateyou]

Brain washing.