Why does one girl feel distant now that I’m closer to her friend?

[Anonymous]

to explain all 3 of us live in the same area , both of them work at restaurants but not at the same restaurant. there both really fun , interesting and attractive. seem to get along better with one of them and go to her restaurant more often and we talk and seem to have a connection.

but did go to restaurant where other one works about a month ago and oddly she was working bar and served me and we talked that day and seemed to get along really good but we haven't talked since and i only seem to see the other girl now.

not sure if that makes sense but did want to be friends with both of them but the one i see less and didn't know as well seems to be going distant , not sure if she was annoyed i spend so much time with her friend instead or if she just didn't know me well enough to have the same connection i had with other girl

[HollyK21]

Personally I think you’re just very deep into your head when it comes to the women in these establishments, and it’s been that way for years now. One girl has nothing to do with the other, and these women aren’t your personal friends, they are friendly to you at work. Please don’t make more of these simple interactions than need be, you overanalyze these things to death.

[Asker]

these 2 girls are very close friends , i've seen them together when the one girl was off work but drinking at that place , there definitely friends in real life and know each other

i don't see them outside of work , once last summer saw the one at a bar in another area and she talked to me and recognised me

her restaurant seems to be filled with drama and rumours ( due to high number of women who work there ) and some of them seem to think i like her more than the other girls who work there

[HollyK21]

When I say one has nothing to do with the other, I’m talking about when it comes to you. For years you’ve been going to these places and creating these ideas in your head when it comes to each woman. You relate things to yourself that have nothing to do with you at all. Already I made mention of the fact that they’re more obligated to be around you than anything because you’re at their place of work (no offense). They aren’t offering to hang out outside of work, be friends, add each other on social media, nothing. You’re quite older than them usually as well. You always try reading their moods, trying to tell how they’re feeling about this or that and putting yourself in the equation. Like if she’s talking to you less or more, that is something you take notice of immediately. I just think you’re doing your usual yearly round of making something out of nothing. I don’t think your judgement of women is the best either. Who knows when your last romantic relationship was, we first spoke back in like 2023-24 and you’d already been single with not much more to do outside of work except chill with your friend or visit these establishments, so I think you just get bored, lonely and misreading those women since you haven’t had experience for a while. No offense again, I’m just giving you outside perspective.

[Asker]

i admit to having some bad experiences with girls who worked in these sort of places in the past but this girl feels different and i think that i'm better at talking to girls who work in these places than you realise

a big reason i failed so badly at this in past was girl i liked was not actually single but this girl is single and so i wasted time fixating on some hot server who already had a boyfriend.

last year this girl actually went on a date with a guy she meet on an app called " hatched " i think but he lived 2 hours away , pretty sure it didn't go far , we live in the same town and we get along , i think some people have forgot that most relationships start in real life not through an app with someone you don't even know

[Asker]

i've never tried adding either on social media , for some reason could not find the second one on instagram even when searching the other girls page which i could view as it was open

i'd feel so awkward asking a girl at her work for her # and she's never offered it up even though we seem to talk a lot

usually the best way to determine if the girl wants to be friends in real life is to see them somewhere outside of work like a bar/party you find out really quick who wants to be friends or not , if they talk to you or say hi or if you buy them a drink

[HollyK21]

I just feel like you’re in a place where you’re unable to see the error in your ways because you don’t have much outside input. You seem to live a pretty isolated life aside from work and a few people you may chat to in your day to day. So when the main feedback you’re getting comes from how you are personally interpreting these situations, it just doesn’t leave much room for improvement or criticism.

Im not saying you can’t hold a conversation — you must have some level of decent socialization with these women since you feel comfortable enough to go to these places alone snd often. I just think you lack social awareness to an extent. I personally think one these ladies gets the occasional feeling of exasperation when you come in, and somehow you're interpreting that as some sort of jealousy. Because whether that’s your intention or not, you are basically stating that one feels jealous of the attention the other is getting specifically from you. Which raises the question — what is there to be jealous of? If they are beautiful young women then making money is not an issue and youve said before that you aren't some big tipper. They aren't flirting or even hinting at romantic interest in your general exchanges, so why would either be jealous?

[Asker]

well true i wouldn't recommend to a single guy to focus exclusively at trying to meet local women through meeting them at work in restaurants. but at same time wouldn't say sitting around trying to meet them through a dating app was best idea either. perhaps best route is something entirely different or one that mixes real life with online leads of actual single

you also have to understand my hometown is full of restaurants , its like a tourist area and major highway passes through so many restaurants here. one of the most common jobs for younger women here is server. so the odds are very high that any women i'd meet here would be one or have been one in past.

also not entirely sure what either of these 2 girls does outside of there restaurant , never seen either at the gym or really much of anywhere else here. might of seen the other one walking a dog at a park here a week or so ago , though it was her but she acted weird and walked away ( this was girl i saw once a month ago and not talked to since )

i'm not sure she is jealous i talk to her friend or not either , its also possible she is avoiding me to avoid drama and to not get involved in this , she just see's me as causing trouble between herself and he friend maybe?

[HollyK21]

If you’re essentially saying that your only options are younger women in their place of work, then I don’t see why dating apps don’t get a chance. It is the most normalized way of dating these days, and at least then you can look for women closer to your age. You aren’t getting any younger, and I think it’ll gradually look worse for you to frequent these same places seeking those young women out.

I feel almost certain that there is any jealousy in the mix. There’s just no reason for it if we are being terribly honest. It’s not like you’re a big spender, you aren’t some young hot guy (not saying you’re old and ugly, you just aren’t a college dude) that these girls usually take interest in. I just don’t think that’s the case. You can’t blame her being in an “off” on you going somewhere else. It doesn’t make any sense.

[HollyK21]

What possible drama could there be? Like why would you want to cause issues, why would it impact her job at all? You’re one person out of so many patrons…

[Asker]

i guess that i felt my only credible option to meet these younger women would be through there work especially if they worked in a restaurant i already went to or could easily go to if i wanted. there was no real risk to trying to talk to them there and get to know them a bit.

i realise actual younger people would meet other ways like at a party or such but i'm not being invited to there parties obviously so can't meet them that way , i doubt if they partied with me they'd dislike my so not sure why they don't want to , i never even get that drunk have a couple beers and talk to a couple of the main girls i'd want to meet

but these girls aren't getting any younger either , they get a couple fun younger years then all of a sudden they have real jobs and maybe even like married with kids.

it varies greatly my restaurant , most of the problems i talk about on here seem to originate from 1 restaurant in my hometown. where the owner always seems to hire girls i liked , some i didn't know about until they worked there and others i had already meet previously. but often they'd lie to me about there relationship status and wasn't always possible to figure out what was going on there.

and i feel like people on here assume these girls are like dressed up really sexy and i go in there looking at there boobs and such but its not like that , lots of pretty girls true but the uniforms are and have always been really dull for a summer time hot spot. like no can't see there boobs in the tops they wear, its like loose t shirts no actual clevage showing. never get to see a glimse of there belly buttons either and no bare backs like some girls do at other places on warm days.

so lost as to why someone would obviously intentionally hire specific girls based on looks from my hometown then put them into dull uniforms during the summer months when other places have more fun with there outfits.

[HollyK21]

I think the age issue is more detrimental to you than it is to them. No, they won’t all be young forever, they’ll eventually quit the job and/or those bosses will hire more young girls in their place once these ladies get phased out.

You on the other hand, there’s no younger man to take your place. You are just going to get older, repeatedly targeting these younger women and becoming less appealing to them because you are becoming further and further from the age bracket they’d normally hangout in or realistically consider as their mate.

Respectfully I think it’s very out of touch to be a man in your age range still even making mention of potentially being invited to hang out with these younger crowds, and fully on board with going. I’m not shaming you at all, but why are you even remotely interested in being 40+ years old at a college party or any sort of house party with a girl under like 26 on your arm? All the men there in that range, all the girls, you’re the sore thumb. I’m 34 and I haven’t stepped foot in that sort of environment since before I turned 30. I go to upscale clubs, aesthetic restaurants, places where I see my age crowd and over.

Fun doesn’t have to stop as you get older, you don’t need to just shrivel up and never go out. But their sort of party ended for you years ago, and I think the sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.

What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It doesn’t matter if you go to 2-3 different places, they are all the exact same with maybe a facelift if they become outdated but the sexy outfits and rotation of young ladies will never change. You have been frequenting these places for years with zero results. So rather than make so many excuses as to why you won’t stop, why not do something different? That money you put towards drinks, food and tip can go towards a membership on a credible, successful dating app rather than these free, “whatever” apps?

[Asker]

i get what your saying but if i went to there parties its not like i'd not know anyone there , i bet i'd know like half or more of the younger women there as i've meet so many of them at there work over the years , why would they find it odd to party or have a beer with me somewhere other than the restaurant they work at? i honestly would not find it weird at all , perhaps less comfortable if it was random younger women i did not know at all than yes i would be an oddity in the room but i know these girls really well despite the age dif

i wasn't interested in these younger women exclusively for dating , many i was fine or be entirely fine just being friends , i'm really just looking for one special person to date and i've obviously meet many women more than i could ever date even if i had the ability to do so

the place these girls work in my hometown is a mixed age that pub and some if not many of the regulars are way older than me like 60 plus , it used to have bar nights on Friday that were more younger but they don't seem to really be doing them much now so i'm definitely not out of place there but i would agree the bar scene cannot last forever at least not in the capacity i've been used to these years

[Abbycado]

Because you’re anon. That’s not a good quality in a guy.

[Nikki1989]

Anon mentality. What else can we say?

[exitseven]

how much of a tip did you leave?

[Asker]

i never tip either of them large amounts , i highly doubt this is about money , seems like one is acting weird cause she was annoyed i go to place her friend works more or just doesn't want to be around me since i spend too much time with her friend

but i had kind of though all 3 of us would be friends not that i'd have to choose 1 over the other