My close female friend is now acting distant, why?

[Anonymous]

I have a female friend who is in an unhappy marriage. She married young and her husband does not appreciate her. She is a hard worker and always has a busy schedule. We struck up a working relationship over a year ago and we started to get closer emotionally. We only ever spent 2 occasions alone at work after hours (finishing a project) and just enjoyed talking. In a group of people she would always pay me more attention and would always take an interest in what I was doing. She would confide in me and we would text at least a couple of times a day and see each other at least twice a week. She would always text me telling me that I was kind, thanking me for something I had done for her. A couple of times she said I was a great person who really understood her. We would always enjoy talking on the phone and she always made time for me, even dumping other calls to speak to me.

Recently she got busy at work and it seems that something may have happened at home with her husband. He is jealous and suffers from inferiority because of his job. He doesn't like the fact that his wife is always busy but she is just trying to get away from his drinking and accusations.

The next time I saw her she was acting distant and a little cold. I spoke with her about it because she wasn't texting or calling. She said that she was dealing with some issues and didn't want to talk about it. She mentioned that she needed to change the way was she was with her friends.

Since then I have found out that her husband gave her a hard time. Even a gift I gave to her and her husband ended up back on her desk at work. She gave me an excuse which I later found out was not true. her husband apparently gave her grief about it. she also got a couple of anonymous texts which were rude about her husband and mentioned me. I can only assume it hinted at some sort of affair going on. Since then she has acted distant and not as friendly as before. Just the other day she seemed to have opened up a little more, smiling and having short conversations but not like before. If we are talking she will tend to look more at a third party rather than at me. She almost finds it difficult giving me any lengthy eye contact. I have and will always respect her. I have never touched her inappropriately or confessed any feelings for her. We were just 2 people who got on well, understood each other and confided in one another. We helped each other through some tough times. A great source of mutual encouragement.

I have never made a play for her as she is married even though I know she is unhappy. We do click but I really do miss her friendship, but I am mindful that it may have affected the marriage.

What is the best thing to do?? Does she hate me?? or is she avoiding out of embarrassment?? Thanks!!

Updates

+1 y

It's been some time now and we don't text or call each other. I do miss her. I see her in the office around once a week. She talks a little but not like before. Now when I call she doesn't always pick up and if I email her I won't always get a reply.

Updates

+1 y

When I do see her she is friendly but its just not like before. It does hurt because someone who you were once close to seems to be erasing you from their life. I'm wondering whether this is difficult for her or if she has no issue with forgetting me.

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

As I have gone through the same thing. I can tell you why she is acting that way. It's because of her husband. She may be unhappy in her marriage but she is not ready to leave him. As innocent as your friendship is, her husband doesn't think so. He is jealous and insecure about your friendship so she feels like she needs to move away from you in order to keep him happy and herself safe. She would be embarrassed and is probably turned off your friendship. You need to give her space and time. The best thing you can do is tell her how much you value her friendship and that you are there for her no matter what as a friend and leave it at that. She is probably thinking that you don't see her in the same way anymore, not because of anything you or she did but because of her husband.

[Asker]

Thanks for that. Do you mean that she no longer wants to be friends?? Her husband has accused others of the same thing. However our friendship has probably been the closest. I did speak with her and said I would be there. She said she needed time to resolve her personal issues. I have not pushed her any more. When I see her I always keep smiling and am humorous. But is it so hard to see someone close to you act distant but normally with everyone else. Will time heal or is this over?

[Asker]

When you said that she is probably thinking that I don't see her in the same way anymore, what do you mean exactly?? Thanks again for your reply, it was appreciated.

[Opinion Owner]

She is distancing herself from you for a few reasons. 1. She is emotionally attached to you 2. You give her something her husband doesn't-Your time, you listen, your kind words, etc. 3. She probably does like you more than a friend and because of this she feels that because of her husband's accusations, she believes that you have caught her out. ( that she likes you or thinks you believe she does). This is why she has ruled you out as a friend for now.

[Asker]

It's starting to make sense. I am not supposed to know about these accusations that her husband has made. I have sort of guessed it through her behaviour and through what others around her have commented. Why would she believe I have caught her out??? I have not mentioned anything or alluded to anything like that? Do you think that for the past year or so it never crossed her mind that I may have deeper feelings for her?? But perhaps has become an issue since her husband has raised it?

[Opinion Owner]

She might have known that you have deeper feelings and I think she does too and is a bit embarrassed by this because she is married. What she thought was a great friendship has been spoiled by her husband's accusations. She's just turned off the whole thing because of him. Trust me, it's got nothing to do with you so don't take her personally at this stage.

[Asker]

Thank you, your words have helped. Time should heal. But this is really painful as I am sure it must be even worse for her especially in her situation. Would you suggest I keep it civil but keep a distance?? What else should I do??

[Opinion Owner]

Keep a distance but be sure to still say Hi and ask her how she is. Try and make normal conversation. If you find she is distancing herself from you then just stick to greeting her. Give her a month or two to sort herself out and try again. Hopefully she will come around. She will be missing your friendship just as you miss it. I know how hard it is and really feel for you. I hope everything sorts itself out for the better.

[Asker]

Thank you. You're advice has calmed my mind. That means a lot. I will take your advice, as you said, you have been through the same thing. Has your situation resolved itself or are you still a little distant from your friend?

[Asker]

It's been some time now and we don't text or call each other. I do miss our interactions. I do see her in the office around once a week. She talks a little but not like before. Now when I call she doesn't always pick up and if I email her I won't get a response. What should I do?? I just get the feeling that she is erasing me from her life. This is so tough.

[hotmama]

I think she's still friendly with others because they are not a threat to her marriage or her feelings. You may not realize it, but you are on your way to an affair, if not physical, then emotional. It sounds like she sees that, and is protecting herself and her marriage, perhaps even you.

You say that you just miss the friendship, but do you really? Would you NOT want to get involved with her if she weren't married? If you would, then you have more than just friendly feelings for her and it really would be better for you to distance yourself. Even if she does split up with her H, you don't want to be the exit affair or the rebound guy.

Take care.

[Asker]

Hey hotmama, I agree. I do have feelings for her and I believe it maybe two way. However I never revealed these as I did not want to make life difficult. She has told me about her issues especially with her husband, I have been as supportive of him and helping her to see his position. I know she is tired of his inability to appreciate her and his constant accusations and verbal abuse. I am keeping at a distance but trying to keep a smile on my face and hers where possible. Time may heal.

[hotmama]

It's probably hard for her, too, but you've got to just to let her go. No calls, no emails. I really sympathize because seeing her every day must be so hard, but it's all the more reason to, as you say, erase her from your life. She's probably doing it to protect herself and her marriage, and you need to protect yourself, too. Can you get interested in someone else, at least casually? That could help.

[Asker]

I have to interact with her at least one or two times a week. I can see that she wants to talk to me normally and then a barrier comes up. It feels so strange. We have shared a lot of ups and downs in the past year, its not easy to forget someone like that so easily. It is also difficult seeing her talk to others fairly normally, it does hurt. Others have advised that time will heal. I just don't want to lose the friendship. I agree that I need to protect myself.

[hotmama]

Listen, I really think you're going to have to lose the friendship, at least for a while. It doesn't sound like you're able to just be friends with her. Being friendly with others says nothing about you - it's about her. For whatever reason, she's moved on. I know this probably sounds harsh, but you just don't seem to be getting it. She doesn't want to be friends with you. No, it's not easy, but if I can get over a 13 year marriage, you can get over this.

[Asker]

Wow that's tough. But I hear what you're saying. Let me see if I have understood this. She is distancing herself because she is trying to protect herself and her relationship and this is not a reflection on anything I have done. She is most likely embarrassed by the accusations and hence why she can't look me in the eye. But I shouldn't take this personally. She has everyones best interests at heart. So I take it that she doesn't hate me?

[hotmama]

I think that pretty much sums it up, although trying to figure out anyone else's motivations is tricky at best.

But no, I don't think she's taken a sudden dislike to you or anything. That just wouldn't make any sense. Your friendship may make her relationship with her husband even more difficult, so she just can't deal with it. In any case, you sound like the kind of guy who likes to be a knight in shining armour, but they often end up dead (at least figuratively). Time to think of YOU!

[Asker]

Your a special lady hotmama, thank you. A knight?? I suppose I love to help people and have been told I'm a good listener. I will post an update early next week. Appreciate your advice and that of others on this page. One last point. I'm not sure if people realize how important this site has been for me in helping me to understand my predicament. Getting other peoples views on a problem can really help clarify a situation and gives real peace of mind. All the best to you. Thanks again !

[hotmama]

Thanks for the compliment! And you're welcome. Stay strong.

[jauggernot]

If I were you Id leave the poor woman alone. I mean if you are mindful of their marriage then you gotta step aside even if you only had a friendship. Some guys really can't deal with their girlfriends/wives having any close male friends and perhaps that is because many people still don't believe that such friendships really occur. I doubt she hates you, but she probably is simply trying to alleviate stress in her life by removing you. Id talk to her, make my intentions clear and back off so she can deal with her own issues however she sees fit.

[Asker]

Thanks for that. I understand what you're saying. What confuses me is why is she still friendly with other guys but just gives me the cold shoulder (acts distant)??

[jauggernot]

Well if that is the case then why are you interested? She is married and obviously distancing herself away from you. At least in my opinion that is entirely too much drama for a friend.

[Asker]

I am interested purely because I feel like I have lost a close friend. That feeling really hurts. I also want the best for her.