I'm in a relationship but there's another guy in the picture.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. I've been friends with a guy for a few months and we've become very close. We can discuss relationship matters and sex very openly, which ironically I don't feel comfortable doing with my boyfriend. This guy and I have plenty of things to talk about, we get along great and I'm attracted to him physically. We've spent countless hours together and many of them spent chatting about random stuff. I've never done so with my boyfriend.

A few months ago, this guy broke up with an on-off girlfriend of 5 years. Nowadays, it seems that I feel more and more connected with him and less with my boyfriend. This guy often talks to me about his past experiences (sex and why things didn't work out with his ex). I feel like such exposure to his "boyfriend" self implies that I'm not that far into friend zone. Am I wrong?

Should I let go of my relationship because there lacks passion? Or is it just that "grass is greener on the other side" feeling? I feel like I'm on auto-pilot just waiting to get into a relationship with that other guy if things don't work out. Truth is, I don't feel like I get along with my boyfriend near as much as I do with any of my closest guy friends and this one in particular.

*Note: I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. It's not the point.

Updates

+1 y

I got so close to this guy because we were on the same team for a Project class, so we ended up spending hundreds of hours together during the session. We worked together for days and nights so we've been through a lot together. We've communicated immensely through those stressful times.

[bittersweet17]

If I were you I'd leave my boyfriend - this is not in hope of being with the other guy. The way you talk about the other guy and how close you've become to him make me think that you shouldn't be in a relationship with your current bf.

What's the point of having a boyfriend (exclusive) and then going to meet other guys to build up a really close relationship with them to the point where it beats your relationship with your current bf? It's like an ever moving train, changing destinations - changing boyfriend without thinking what you're doing is unfair to your boyfriend. It's like hey I'll go out with you but while I'm with you I'm going to build other relationships up instead of commiting to work on ours ONLY (a relationship with your boyfriend is meant to be different to a male friend) - at least to the point where you figure out if it's beneficial to both.

What I'm trying to say is, your relationship with your boyfriend is meant to be special, it's meant to have things that your relationship with other male friends don't. To the point where you wouldn't even consider dating a friend over your boyfriend. If you weren't satisfied with your current relationship, it would be fair to leave and only then would it be okay to look elsewhere.

[bittersweet17]

I also agree with the comment below mine, you may not know what guys have to offer or how close you could be to others (how well you get along) but once you figure that out, you should really have a chat to you boyfriend about the situation you're in.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.

As I wrote, I had to work with him in a team of 4 for a class, so I didn't meet him to build a relationship. We just sort of had to in order to have a good "team cohesion", as they call it. ANYWAY I think you've got it right when you talk about committing to work on my relationship with my boyfriend and making it special and different from others. Right now I'm stuck because I feel like I'm working on the relationship way more than my boyfriend does.

[Asker]

I text him everyday, we set up dates but he calls me sometimes but we only get to see each other 2 or 3 times a week max. This summer we won't even get to hang out much because we'll be apart. He hasn't made any plans for us to see each other regularly so his lack of initiative makes me feel like he doesn't care and he takes me for granted, like he won't miss me. And that hurts me.

[bittersweet17]

Sorry I made that assumption. I felt that way because I feel like some things should be off topic to other guys - all that intimate stuff. I know a lot of people don't agree with that though. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel like you're putting in more effort than him yet? That doesn't sound cool... it shouldn't feel that way :( address it asap for your benefit!

[bittersweet17]

That's true, it definitely would hurt! Find out if he's introverted though, that might be a big part - those kinds of people need a lot of alone time to gather their thoughts. Anyway, that's not really an excuse, he should let you know his needs - if he feels like he can only give you that many days out of the week, he should tell you why instead of leaving you hanging thinking he doesn't care. A bit of reassurance on his part wouldn't hurt ay! At the same time, telling you how many days he

[bittersweet17]

wants doesn't mean that he's not taking you for granted either. It's definitely possible :x I've been in that kind of situation before... and I was right, he was taking me for granted, etc so go with your gut if you want to! You shouldn't have to doubt. :(

[bittersweet17]

Uhm, he might secretly think you're clingy and hasn't told you (the txting). If he does think this, it's really silly that he hasn't brought it up with you.

[Asker]

Thanks for your support. You seem very understanding and I need that right now. It scares me a lot to doubt that I'm with the right person. It puts a strain on my relationship to feel unsure that I'm guetting what I need romantically. I don't want to screw things over but I'm also afraid to be left down by my boyfriend. I worries me to wonder if I could be happier with someone else.

[Asker]

Oh well I think I'm not that clingy anymore. I admit I used to be the one to text him first for some time but after a while I got sick of it. It frustrated me that he didn't make the initiative anymore so now I text him every other day or so and he texts me first sometimes. I'm letting go of it way more now that I wish he'd give me more attention.

[bittersweet17]

That's alright :) I would see it this way, if you're willing to put in the effort - to be open enough to become very close, to love and build up another person, what's the limit? If he is able to love you, support and build you up, I'd guess that you'd be very happy. So instead of focusing on 'is he the right person', focus on the qualities that make someone the right person for you. Basically if you're not happy with the effort your boyfriend puts into your relationship and you know you can give

[bittersweet17]

more on any level, it would be better for you to be with someone who is able to appreciate the effort you put into it because they do the same so they know what it's like? That person may be hard to find but at least you have someone to look forward to and you don't have to live with doubt. Hmm yeah, you deserve more attention :P

[bittersweet17]

I believe in being upfront. I don't really like to communicate with anyone through hints, I feel that it wastes time and isn't as effective. Like for example, if you give him less attention to get more from him (not saying that you do) he may just get confused. So with everything you want to get through to him on, just tell him upfront, don't be worried about what he'll think, just say it gently, calmly as you can. You don't have to be super nice and accept every response he gives.

[vmw2008]

Never hedge your bets. Staying with your boyfriend simply because you're not sure if you can have this other guy is a bad thing. In my opinion, even if you'd never met this guy you should be breaking up with your boyfriend. You don't have the kind of connection with him you really need. Being single is better than wasting your time, especially if you find yourself having feelings for someone else. It may not work out with this other guy, but at least you'll know you're not stringing your boyfriend along.

[Anonymous]

I think it is the grass is greener on the other side. You lack many things concerning your boyfriend that you have found with this other guy. the newness of the situation if the reason I think you feel this way.

[Asker]

It makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you're not judging me negatively because of it. It's already very hard for me to admit these feelings to myself.

[Opinion Owner]

you can't help what you feel. It is not under your control.

[heavensgift2girls]

If you don't love your boyfriend enough, that you would allow another man get this close to you, then you don't really have much of a relationship to save. However, these on again off again relationships, that this new guy has had, may end up hurting you, if she comes back into the picture.

[Asker]

I love my boyfriend. I took my courage by both hands and told him so while looking at him in the eyes. I meant it. He just told me "me too". The only time he's ever told me he loved me, he was looking away and leaving in a rush. I often find myself letting men get close to me because I spend my whole life with men, studying engineering. All my friends are guys. It rarely happens though that I get along so great with someone without having that sticky "bro" label on me.

[heavensgift2girls]

You may love him, but you don't love him "enough". You are thinking about breaking up with him for another guy. How loved would you feel, if you found out your boyfriend was thinking of dumping you for another girl?

[6Paul11]

+1000

You really need to get your priorities straight when it comes to men. Pick one. It isn't right to have both.

[Asker]

What if I don't feel loved enough myself? I feel like my boyfriend is taking me for granted so now that I'm having such chemistry with someone else, I can't help but doubt that I have or could have as much with my boyfriend. It's making me really sad that I'm not guetting the same attention from my lover. I'm not thinking of dumping him because I don't love him enough. It's more that I think I lack something from my boyfriend that this other guy happens to provide me with.

[heavensgift2girls]

If you want to break up with him, don't let it be because there is another guy all lined up. Let it be because it is not working out between the two of you. This new guy should have nothing to do with your decision to end your relationship. If you are thinking about leaving your boyfriend in order to upgrade another man, then you have no reason to waste any more of your time, on a relationship that is obviously so fragile. I am not judging you. You said you aren't going to cheat, I respect that.

[6Paul11]

https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=4R5NQPdi42w

[aMuse]

Oh baby You... Youuuu Got What I Need!

Classic. =P

[6Paul11]

But you say he just a friend... :(