Single Guy, Mid 30's, No Children, Dateless... What to do?

[Anonymous]

Well, I am 35, haven't dated anyone in a few years. I was absolutely single, and had no interest in dating anyone. However, I have been feeling the pain of loneliness, but I have no idea what to do. Recently, I moved to a new town, for my job, and really don't know anyone here. I don't associate with coworkers outside of work, simply because of past issues... I don't date coworkers. Again, I just don't associate with people I work with, outside the office. However, My problem is as follows:

A) I tried dating sites, but that only yielded scams and women I wanted nothing to do with. In fact, before I moved, I had a female friend that was using dating sites, and she showed me her inbox. Full of messages. Getting messages at least, 20+ per day. My inbox was only messages from women I didn't message (that were totally unattractive, or don't fit what I am looking for), and obvious scams (model pictures, misspelling, and no candid photos... All are "production" style photos). I talked to women before, and found that my friend's situation is quite common in dating sites, and researched that mine is common as well.

B) I don't drink, so bars are out of the question. Moreover, I don't like drinkers.

C) I have no idea about anything, in my "New Home". My free time, is limited to just weekends and 4 hours after work.

D) Circumstantially, I am a homebody... If and when, I go out, I only get what I need, and go back home. I have been told to go to a gym... Why should I, when I have my own weights and my own equipment?

E) It is difficult for me to openly trust people. I rarely talk to anyone, when I am out and about. Even when I go to a restaurant (which is rare for me... because of self imposed dietary restrictions), I just don't talk to others.

What is a strictly heterosexual man, in his mid 30's, no children to do? Younger women usually don't have too many issues, but their lack of maturity and experience often causes problems. Not to sound stereotypical, but women my age who are single, often are single for a reason (in some rare cases, they are single for the same reasons I am, and that is, I haven't found anyone I was interested in...). Particularly, single mothers (not including widowed women, just divorcees with children, and women with children who was never married) often have hangups and issues. Older women don't interest me at all. I would like to have a family of my own, someday, and it is supremely unlikely with an older woman.

I really don't like the idea of feeling alone, and being away from what I have known for years. However, my job is the best opportunity afforded to me, and I, to a degree, enjoy what I do. I just don't like what is going on, away from where I work. What Should I do?

Updates

+1 y

Yes, I have become cynical. The situation, and the crap I dealt with, pertaining to women, in the past, has made me extremely cynical.

[iamwoot]

First, I'd like to talk about this line: "...women my age who are single, often are single for a reason..."

Everyone's single for a reason, no matter what their age. Every single person ever is going to have baggage, especially in their mid 30s. Trying to throw all women at that age into the 'unresolvable issues' group is a very 1850s of you. Get with the times.

Further, you have some pretty substantial issues yourself. Some light agoraphobia, coupled with social anxiety and poor ability to connect with others is just the stuff I gathered from your post. Acknowledge that you're just as flawed, if not more so, than any potential mate you may find in the future.

Now moving on to your actual question: where and how can you meet women? Bars shouldn't totally be out of the question. Go to singles events. You won't look like the odd one out, because you're there for the event, not the alcohol. Coffee shops are a great place to meet quality women. Parks, the grocery store, gas stations, the opportunities are all over the place. You just have to take advantage of them.

First thing's first though, you have to decide, right now, to make a change. To become a man who goes out and gets what he wants, in this case: women. If you can't decide to do that, just stop reading right now, go buy a cat, and start playing the Sims.

If you have decided to do that, congratulations, you are on the way to completely changing your life, for the better.

The most powerful tool available to you is will power. The strength to get your nervous ass knocked into the mud by some haughty bitch and then gritting your teeth, getting back up, and trying again.

But, before you can really utilize that willpower, you need to make use of the second most powerful tool: education. Read everything. Read books by GOOD pickup artists (I always catch flak for this one, but they really do offer absolutely amazing insight on how to socialize and ultimately be successful with women), read books on combating social anxiety, how to conduct small talk, how to display correct body language, how to read body language, etc.

Then, when you go out, make an effort to actually talk to PEOPLE. Not just women. Talk to everyone. Develop a natural ability to conduct small talk (I personally loathe smalltalk, but it's necessary to be successful in our world). Approach women and ask them out. This is your job as a man in this society. Unless you make the initial effort at connecting with a woman, the chances of it happening are so incredibly small they might as well be nil. Now, I imagine this will be very difficult for you. You're going to fail. But, you're not going to let that failure bother you. You're going to locate your gonads, get back up, and try again, because you're a f***ing man.

Good luck.

[Asker]

Number one: I don't have agoraphobia. I just have a low tolerance for dealing with people, unless I have reason to trust them. My experience has proven to me that the average person is only self interested, and are willing to screw another over, in order to get ahead. I lost a job once, because of a person, I didn't even know, "not liking me" and sabotaging my job. Furthermore, I have no issues. My only issue is loneliness. Only because I don't trust people.

[Asker]

Coffee shops are a waste of money. I buy my own coffee, and instead of spending $5 for a cup of coffee that I can make myself, that money can be used more constructively. Moreover, the only ones that are seemingly available, are the ones with daddy issues, single moms, and other things I find untenable. When I go to the grocery store, I am only there to get food. when I go to the gas station, fueling my car, and getting the hell out of there is the objective.

[iamwoot]

Alright, I'll give you agoraphobia. I can't really make that assumption based on what you've said.

And just because the average person is self-interested doesn't mean that they're 'only self-interested.' Of course most people (barring kids or being genuinely in love) are more interested in themselves than other people. Why should those other people matter more?

It sounds like you've had some pretty sh*tty dealings with other people. Sucks man, it happens.

[Asker]

Parks? Only children there. Maybe if I were a paedophile, or ephebophile... Sorry, but I don't want a relationship with a child. My willpower is not to question. My will is indomitable. My will to not be bothered with bullsh*t, is the reason I just stay to myself. People on average, are full of sh*t. Pickup artists are about "getting laid". Sorry I can get sex, no problem. I don't want sex, but something serious. If I just wanted sex, I could be in bed with my neighbor, right now.

[iamwoot]

But you need to get over it. There are amazing, fantastic, awesome people out there. You can't just cut out society because of a bad encounters.

And of course coffee shops are a waste of money, just like bars, clubs, any place where you can socialize. So what? You're paying for the opportunity to meet the woman of your life, not the coffee.

[iamwoot]

I was just throwing out suggestions. You don't have to go to a park. If you want to, get a dog.

Pick up artists aren't all about getting laid haha. Not all of them. They're about being able to connect with ANY woman (not your unattractive neighbor), at any time. Getting laid is just a bonus of that.

[Asker]

The only reason I don't, is because I have a high level of morals. My views are, I rather be married to the one I have sex with. However, I am former military, and have been told that I have a "very aggressive set of body language cues. I really don't want to talk to people, because what they talk about is pointless rabble. If I want pointless rabble, I can just watch the news. "Miley Cyrus swings on a ball and chain, in the nude..." Nothing important. I am annoyed by bullsh*t.

[iamwoot]

My entire point is that you're not even trying. You're sitting in your house all day. Not even attempting to meet quality women, because of your poorly founded trust in society. Instead of actually trying to go out and talk to women, you're just making excuses (dislike people, don't drink, too expensive, only kids at parks, etc, etc, etc) instead of just going out and MEETING WOMEN. Why is that?

[iamwoot]

Like I said in my original post, I loathe small talk as much as you. I hate talking about things I don't care about. Tough sh*t. Small talk is vital to developing connections. Learn it, and do it, or just stop trying.

[Asker]

Because the only ones that are willing to talk are either uninteresting, or have an agenda.

The last woman I dated, I met while out and about. Didn't want anything to do with me, until she seen me buy something, and had a decent car. All of a sudden, the next time I seen her, she "changed her mind". Well, when I was sabataged, and lost my job, she dropped me like a bad habit. I only realize this retrospectively. This was nearly 8 years ago. She was the one that aggressively pursued me.

[Asker]

Again, I don't talk, unless there is a point. Unlike on this, I am very laconic, and only speak when it is necessary. Otherwise, anything without a point, or direct reason is pointless, and should not be said. Simple. Trust me, I am that guy, that if you ask me something, I usually give 1-5 word answers.

[iamwoot]

I can't reiterate this enough: Small talk is an essential tool for meeting women. If you choose to not utilize it, you're not going to meet or connect with women. It's really just that simple.

[Asker]

It is pointless. It serves no purpose.

[iamwoot]

Yes it does. Why do I have to keep telling you this? It allows women to connect to you on a superficial level, which then leads to a deeper connection. No women is just going to dive into a relationship with you without feeling it out. One of the primary ways of doing that is small talk.

Look, if you're not going to make an effort to small-talk, then fine. I really don't care. Just know that a result of the decision will be loneliness for the rest of your life, barring some major luck.

[Asker]

Sorry, I don't pointlessly banter about crap. If I open my mouth, there is a point, or something useful coming out... Not random banter about crap that is either interesting, or not interesting. The only time I say anything, is if it serves a purpose. Small talk serves no purpose. It is a waste of breath.

[iamwoot]

Haha OK, man. I'm not going to repeat myself again, as this has become waste of effort. I've given you the tools to succeed. If you chose not to use them, that's on you. You're going to be alone for a long time though.

[EnergyAZ]

A.) Online dating blows donkey d*ck for 99.9% of men. Women get overwhelmed with messages and become absurdly picky as result.

B.) That's all fine and reasonable, but do get out in this world and explore your interests so you can meet like-minded people.

C.) Sounds like you have about the average amount of free time for someone with a FT job so...?

D.) You aren't going to meet anyone in your house or home gym. That should be pretty obvious.

E.) If you don't go out, and you don't like talking to people you are really limiting your options. Considering all that you said so far, I am not sure you can afford to limit your options to this degree.

What are you do to? Change. Improve your social skills. You can't expect progress if you aren't going to try to do anything. What are you honestly expecting? Your dream woman to magically appear in your living room and be OK with you not talking to her?

Why are you cynical when it is you yourself that have imposed significant limitations and obstacles to meeting people?

[Asker]

Those "Limitations", as you put it, is my reaction to my disdain for other people. To be honest, I don't too much care for the bullsh*t people try to pull. My cynicism is the result of Decent women being picky, and always being hit on by women who I don't find interesting. I'll cut to the chase, I don't like single moms, fat chicks, or homely women. That is all I seem to attract. The last time I talked to a woman, the instance she mentioned her kids, I ran for the hills.

[Asker]

What am I to go out to? Anything I would rather do, I do at home. I don't drink, if I go anywhere, I must have something to do there... A purpose to being there. Otherwise, if I think I am wasting my time, I would leave, and find something else to do. There aren't many women, interested in the things I am. My interests seem to be male dominated. The last time I seen a woman with my interests, She was a lesbian. Just saying...

[EnergyAZ]

Your negative yet entitled attitude will insure you maintain your current status quo. If you don't want a solution, why bother asking the question? You are not doing anything to improve your situation and just blaming others for being picky. But they can't pick you if you are sitting at home pissed off at the rest of humanity. And if you don't want picky people - don't even consider online dating. Sheesh 'you can lead a horse to water...'

[Asker]

Well, what do you propose then? Go somewhere that I wouldn't care to be? Let's put it this way, I don't feel entitled to anything. I just think that at my age, options are few. People have agendae, and are self serving. I am the least bit selfish. My annoyance with the ways of others, have caused me to rather stay to myself. I tried being social, and all it gets me is burned. I am tired of being burned.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how to answer you question. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so hard like you are. You have a lot going on. there are two types of women like men I have found. Ones that are still playing the field in a sense and the ones that are going some where and understanding about work and life. I think you are picking the wrong type of women for yourself. Think what you need meet women that are on your level. I know your going to ask how. The only way I can think of is moving out of your comfort zone.I cannot answer that one for you, because only you know what your comfort zone is.

sooo now I get to say a few words about single mothers if you don't mind. I am a single mom. I don't have hang ups about anything. I know who I am where I came from and what I am doing. I am confident. my only hang up is my little girl. I don't want her to get hurt anymore then what she has already. If that is a hang up, I am glade to have that hang up. If someone cannot handle that hang up I have, they are not worth my time. Because I need someone adult enough to understand and not complain about my hang ups. I don't know what these "other" woman have done to you but they are no adult enough for what you want. Or, maybe your not adult enough for what you want. I don't know I am sorry if that was too mean. I don't know you well enough so it is speculation.

[Asker]

Single mom (noun) : A female that had a child out of wedlock, either by an unfounded affection for the man that she allowed to impregnate her, often resulting in unresolved issues.

Say what you want, but single moms, and divorced women with children are red flags. 4/5 times, there are issues. With the probabilities so high, it is not worth the headache it is. If you don't, good for you, but I am not for someone that decided to just get pregnant with some random guy. I am not interested

[Asker]

I am not interested in raising some other man's child, ESPECIALLY SINCE I DONT HAVE CHILDREN OF MY OWN. Furthermore, I think that single parents should only date other single parents, simply because it is not fair, to those that they date, if that person does not have children. And a woman (or man) that has children, who only dates childless persons, are effectively self centered. It is a selfish mentality. It is unfair due to the paradigm of priority.

[Asker]

Moreover, that paradigm is as follows:

Single without children: Priority one is the person of their affections.

Single parent: Priority one is child, anything else is not a priority.

Therefore, it would be on equal terms, if two people that are not the highest priority for each other, to be together. Otherwise, it is disadvantageous to the single without.

[Opinion Owner]

yes, I see now, what every other females sees. GROW UP! your not ready for a relationship with any type of future that is involved in future. p.s I was raped. yes my daughter is number one but the guy should respect that and see that. if I didn't put her first what type of person who that make me, self center, ill responsible, a mother the state and government would take away from me. I don't blame you stay young and single all you want but one day you will have a child you will understand.

[Opinion Owner]

I have three degrees I work my ass off spend time w her my family and make time for who ever I am w. not everything is so black and white as you like to put it there color, by the way. but if I have to cancel a date because she sick, guess what! I will, if he dumps me because of that. what does that show of his character? should date because you two are compatible not because if she has a child or no leg! you'r discriminating. live your life the way you want to. be opened minded and accepting of others life.

[Opinion Owner]

because if you are not, your going to be a very lonely man. Stop copying and pasting definitions and information from the internet. Have your own mind be opened mind. maybe, just maybe then you will find who you are suppose to be with. Everyone has their issues no one if perfect. I cannot fix stupid so I'm going to stop trying too.

[Asker]

Sorry, those things I posted were from my own cynical mind. II have degrees too. And if you were smart, you wouldn't have been raped, now would you. No sympathy from me... "Oh, I was raped, and that is why I am a single mom.". If I heard that, I would KNOW that you are a damn lie. Not calling you a liar, but just expressing my first reaction to hearing you say that. Sorry, but nothing will change my mind about single parents. They should just date other single parents. Period.

[madhatters4]

i think you have to simply try. you make a lot excuses and some of them are actually valid reasons, but if you want companionship you have to try. simple as that. to say that women your age are single for a reason is fair but obviously the same can be said for you.

try different dating sites. I had good luck with eharmony. you could go to a bar and not drink. perhaps you should hang out with some of you co-workers. while you don't have to necessarily date one of them it may at least give you an opportunity to meet some new people through them.

[Asker]

My reason is not because some guy screwed me, and dumped me to make another notch on his headboard. My reason is not because I lied about my previous relationship, to look like a victim, for why "I am divorced with 3 kids", when obviously I was doing dumb sh*t that drove a man away from me, so I have to either throw sex at another man, to keep him.

My reasons are simple: I have run into these psychotic women, and am annoyed to hell with them. Yes, I have become cynical.

[Asker]

I have been on every reputable dating site. Match.com... eHarmony.com and the like. All the same. I don't do social media. Waste of time. I actually was dragged onto GAG, by my friend. However, the other "free" dating sites are full of women looking for an ATM with a penis. Sorry, short of a widow, I would never want to be bothered with a single mom. No divorcees with children, and certainly no women that have had children out of wedlock. ESPECIALLY those that had multiples, muti-men.

[madhatters4]

well the fact is not every woman is psychotic. what your describing is depression to me. a desire for something but not motivation to try it. you say you're lonely but every option is a dead end already. the reality of the world and the reality in your mind are diverging... it's simple and short. if you want to meet someone you're going to have to try. you may meet a lot of bad apples but those are the risks.

[Asker]

Being a businessman, I can say that dating sites are not in business to get you in a relationship. they stand to gain more money by NOT GETTING YOU into a relationship. They do things like put more profiles in your view. Even suggestions. The longer you are without, and using their site, the more money they stand to make off you. I have a link

My point is, I don't waste money. And dating sites are a waste of it.

[madhatters4]

well I'm engaged to a woman I met on a dating site so while I agree with you to some extent the fact is they have to produce something in order to retain and build a client base.

a lawyer obviously wants to make money but if he doesn't serve his clients his reputation will suffer and the business will suffer...no?

i work in finance. I made an investment in a site expecting a return. if I don't get a return in due time I withdraw my investmant...but if I'm desperate perhaps I hold on longer

[Asker]

Fundamentally, what you explain are the evils of those sites. Statistically, only one in 20 people actually find relationships on any given dating site. And, of that 5%, only one of 2 make it to marriage. of that 2.5%, only one in 5 marriages survive 5 years. Less than likely, than if the two met in person nearly a decade before choosing to be in a relationship. I am not going to lie... I rarely dated in the past, on part because of the "prince charming" expectations of younger women...

[Asker]

Moreover, the female friends I have acquired were friends for a reason. Great personalities, but personality is not enough. Looks are not enough, either. When I were younger, and not as structured in my following of morals, I had a relationship with a friend that I was not attracted to, but she had a great personality. When she wanted to be intimate, I just wanted to play on my PSone. We had fun, but it amounted to an overglorified friendship. Moreover an unrequited relationship.

[Anonymous]

Wow dude! It was crazy reading your story! The ONLY difference between you and I, is I live in the same town I was raised, and I'm 4 years younger. Everything else you said is EXACTLY ME all the way! I have tried to answer this question myself. I'm still on the dating sites because at the moment, its the ONLY way I see of meeting anyone. Dude..its creepy how alike we seem to be. I've been told by "experts" to join dance classes. Dance isn't my thing, but I see their point. Mostly all women in class. Women love guys who can dance. You change partners every 3 minutes! Even if you don't meet anyone in the class, its possible to form connections with the women there who know girls you might be interested in, and or would like to hook you up. I too am feeling alone, and want a family of my own really bad. I still recommend the dating sites. Even if you don't get on there much, your profile is out there 24-7...working for you.

[Asker]

Youre wasting money that could be used for more constructive purposes. Every time you pay the $39.99 for a month, "but wait, we have a special offer of $19.99 per month if you sign up for 6 months, or $9.99 per month if you sign up for 12 months! What a deal", you are only funding them. If they were actually serious about getting you into a relationship, wouldn't they give you an incentive to get into a relationship, opposed to signing up on "frequent flying" with their dating site? Think..

[Asker]

Dancing? Serves no purpose. Your profile is not working for you, but against you. My life lesson is, if a "woman" messages you, she is either:

shooting in the dark, because no men are messaging them...

have an agenda with your wallet...

or want an at home man, so that her kids have free babysitting, so that she can find another man, without the dating site.

OH! yeah, I experienced all 3. You're better off, statistically dating one of your female friends you met, back when...

[Opinion Owner]

Well, simply existing cost money. Online, I can meet 50 women a month for $10 bucks. Talk to them many times without leaving my house. Imagine what it would cost you to meet and talk to 50 women in real life. Besides I don't want 10-$40 bucks a month get in my way of having a son or daughter, and a wife to grow old with. Those things are priceless IMO. I don't want to be 70 years old and look back at my life and realize me being cheap, wrecked my chances at the life I wanted.

[Asker]

Those thoughts are the thoughts of someone unwise with their money. You sound like the type of person that would rather spend 5 dollars on a cup of coffee, and when you are 5 dollars short on something that mattered, you would not realize that the 5 dollars you spent on a cup of coffee, you should've made yourself, for less money, is the contributing factor... Only in the name of "fun". And it is not being "cheap", but conscientious of what you are doing, and your priorities.

[Asker]

For example, if I wanted to go on a trip to Hawaii, I can go, without using a credit card. I used to live in hawaii, Therefore, I am not interested in a vacation there. And I am capable of which, because II didn't waste my time and money on shallowness. Women on online dating are the best places to find self centered and narcissistic women. Every narcissist I have dated, I met on Match.com, eHarmony, and all the other dating sites, paid, or free.

[Opinion Owner]

Weak argument dude. You seem hell bent on rationalizing against anything that involves moving forward in finding prospects and eventually losing the loneliness. Inaction is not a plan that makes sense either. People cannot "make" you be anything unless you let them. Don't give some girl that much power over you, especially women of your past.

[Asker]

My argument is that I am not wasteful.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, with a due respect, I fear you're being very wasteful of time, because mentally, you convince yourself of every reason for not changing direction as far as dating/ meeting women goes. It's insane to keep doing what you been doing, while expecting different results. I feel you need to get out of your own way. (As do I) Don't blame the game, or the rules, blame the player...the player is YOU bro. Every passing day, you get more wrinkles on your face, further hurting your chances.

[Asker]

Games are for children. I don't play. Life is a battle, a war. I fight.

[Asker]

For the record, I haven't a wrinkle on my face. My dad looks young for his age, as well. My mom looks older than him. And I take more, after my dad's side. I get accused of being in my early 20's.

[Opinion Owner]

Regardless what you call life, you better start fighting. You give the impression that you've lost the will to fight. Instead, you blame past relationships with women, and list all the reasons you can't get out there and meet women. You're left with 2 choices. Meeting women in person in whatever means possible, or online. You have to figure out a way YOU can meet women. Right now, potential prospects don't know you exist bro!

[Asker]

That's what I am asking... "DUH...". What are some places. Not where I normally go, because when I go, my objective is only do what I went there to do, and not get sidetracked. I don't talk to people, unless I need to know something, and that is situational. I don't randomly talk to people.

[Opinion Owner]

Like I said, dance classes. The classes are full of women, and it forces you to meet people. Whether you're interested in anyone or not, you can work on your socializing skills.Maybe you can lift weights at home, and do some cardio/ swimming/sauna at the local YMCA. A lot of women at YMCA's and gyms. Without knowing you very well, these are the only basic locations I can think of, that would force you to meet people outside of the normal public places.

[Asker]

There is no point in dance classes. Unless I am planning on being on some sort of thing that makes me money fro dancing. IT IS F*CKING POINTLESS. YMCA= "Young Men's Christian Association. I am not christian, and have no intent of converting to a belief I don't agree with. Let alone, "Young Men"... Not gay. Thanks, but no thanks. Your answers don't help me, at all.

[Opinion Owner]

Your attitude sucks. No wonder you can't find someone. If you did bump into a chick, she'd be running the opposite direction after talking to your woe is me, helpless, piss poor self. You asked for advice, and I gave it my best shot , based on your situation. I can't take you by the hand and lead you to women, in a way that meets your 99 specifications for meeting someone.

[Asker]

And you're a jackass.

[Opinion Owner]

Only a jackass asks questions, and then argues with the people who take time to give their opinions.

[Asker]

Whatever... doing pointless sh*t may work for you, but I have purpose, and my purpose is to do everything with a specific point, instead of taking classes that amounts to nothing but wasted money.

[mghowmasculinist]

Loneliness cannot be solved by finding another. It is a common and flawed way of thinking. You seek to fill a void externally when the void exists internally.

Any woman you date or have a relationship with will be a temporary fix. I would suggest you find out the real reason why you feel lonely and look within.

[Asker]

hello? The "Real reason" is that of my friends, I am the only genius fucktard that is single. I don't even get to hang out with my friends as I did, in the past, because they are tied by the balls to women they are married to. So, I have to do everything on my own, and that sh*t gets boring.