How to tell a girl she's flakey?

[Anonymous]

Well I have tried to make plans with this girl countless times, but she has been very flaky with them and sometimes comes up with stupid excuses. Well I've reached my breaking point so to speak, she flaked on our plans for today, didn't give a reason, and suggested a date tomorrow. But I already have another lined up, I texted her like a dumbass saying sure, but I know she's just gonna flake again, or it will just be a normal date with me secretly being pissed. She isn't very experienced with dating, so I kinda want to tell her, instead of just dripping it and initiating radio silence.

This girl is amazing, and she seems to have genuine interest, but doesn't seem to respect my time, or see that it has value. How do I tell her she's a flake, and cancel tomorrows plans with her, without seeming like a whiny douche. Deep down I want to keep trying, because she seems like a girl that's worth it. But its just gotten to the point of me just looking so pathetic. Keep in mind, she isn't the only girl I've been talking to, I've been keeping my options open.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for the answers so far. We did not hang out today. I cancelled it as the weather was really bad.


I do have something to ask though, she sent me this text last week ( link ), which to me seemed pretty out of character, perhaps her realizing she's been acting immature. What do you think?

Updates

+1 y

Little Update


We have not talked really since Sunday. I really just want to send her a text or a voice mail saying something like: "Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I like you, you have a great personality/etc blahblablah" I feel that will convey my intentions and give her a chance to reciprocate or reject me one last time, because I am sick of the flakiness, and don't want to set another date with her unless I am SURE that she's interested.


Do any of you think this would be a good idea

[Anonymous]

Confession from a fellow flake

I'm a terrible flake. I feel just awful about it, but then again - not really. This is going to make me sound like a horrible person but here it is. The thing is, there are about 4 people in the world I genuinely care about. These are people who's calls I always return, who's messages I always reply to within an hour, and people I always make an effort to see at least once a week.

These people are: my mom, my dad, my brother, & my boyfriend of 4 years

Aside from these people, I have a gazillion "friends". I have my roommates, a couple best girlfriends with whom I shared every single secret when I was single (and have tried to continue to do despite the distance), my friends that I see every day in class, the people I meet for dinner on Tuesdays, the people I hang out with on Friday nights, the people I get coffee with on a regular basis, the people with whom I exchange long emails about the meaning of the universe at 3am, and the people who's FB statuses I like regularly to give them popularity boosts.

From the outside, I might seem like one of the most social people in the world. Yet, I'm actually an introvert and would MUCH rather stay in by myself reading or writing a book than be out partying. In fact, people are exhausting to me in general. I regularly screen my calls, do not return messages (either because I am more interested in what I'm doing at the moment or am trying to get the person to stop contacting me so much)

I have been known to cancel going to the party of the year last minute because I'm more interested in staying in to drink tea and hang out with my boyfriend or go out to dinner with my parents and brother. I have been known to tell friends that "we should hang out sometime next weekend" only to ignore their resended texts asking when I want to hang out...because I'm more interested in cleaning my bathroom or baking cookies or practicing piano than I am in going out to a movie with them.

Sometimes, I will randomly go weeks without checking my FB or email, because I just don't care to deal with responding to everything. Even though I really do like my friends, think they're wonderful people, and want to make them happy - I'm very selfish when it comes to my stamina for dealing with them.

I'm not proud of it, but that's how I am. I genuinely get overwhelmed by people and need a lot of quiet time to recharge. I feel guilty about needing this, and thus constantly underestimate the amount of time I actually need, so I end up having to cancel plans.

I've almost lost several really good friends this way, so I try not to do it. I do it lots to my guy friends, because guys tend to be more bossy about saying "We are going to hang out this weekend, no excuses", and I just don't like being bossed around.

My advice to you is to just make the time that you DO spend with/talking to this girl as efficient and fun as possible. That's how my boyfriend got me to see time with him as recharging, not draining :)

[Moonrisekitten]

Man do I have experience here. My sister is the biggest flake I've ever met and it makes her seem like a bigger brat than she actually is. She also doesn't take confrontation well at all so I feel a little experienced on breaking things down as easy as I can. Although I hate to do things that way. I prefer to be blunt. When I saw the question at top I wanted to say,"just f***ing tell her", but I understand that you want to actually see her. First of all I have to say, mention to her some of what you just said. I'd be glad to hear it if I were her. The flake part, you'll have to use the word flake if you want her to do a turnaround on that. Or else she's just going to apologize. You have to tell her that it kinda hurts and that you actually have other things to do. Flake isn't a very offensive word but it lets people know what they're doing. Just use it sort of jokingly so she doesn't think you're mad at her. I would say, "I really do wanna see you. I'm gonna keep trying, because you seem worth it, but you gotta stop flaking on me. Just let me know what time is good for you. I'll make sure to free up my schedule if you'll just pick a time:) my treat too!"

[Pleasehelpmeplease]

I completely understand where you're coming from! I've been seeing this guy that always says he's going to meet me and then comes up with stupid excuses last minute. Last minute to the point where I've gotten all ready to see him and he cancels or says he's going to be a few hours late. I've gotten to the point where I just can't be bothered anymore and I feel like when I do make plans I don't put in much effort because I'm sure he'll cancel.

I think you should talk to her about it and tell her how you feel and if she understands and changes then I'd say she's a keeper. If she doesn't change then its up to you if you want to put up with it anymore.

[Asker]

Well in your experience, how would you go about bringing it up?

She sent me a wall of text the other day about how she is sorry for blowing me off, and saying she wasn't sure whether I was trying to be friends, or date her. I told her that we'd talk about it on our date for yesterday...

[Pleasehelpmeplease]

And did you talk to her about it on your date? I guess it depends on you and how you are feeling. If I was going to tell the guy I was seeing that its bothering me I would just bring it up in a conversation. I would tell him that I don't know if I can handle someone so unreliable right now. And that I need someone who will be there for me when I need them and who I can trust. But it just all depends on you and how you are feeling. It also depends on how stupid the excuses are for blowing you off

[Asker]

Well my other date and me ended up canceling our plans because of the monsoon like rains we are getting right now. And as for the flake girl, I cancelled our date, so nothing was talked about. I am just gonna forget about her, I don't want to, but for my own sanity, I think its the best option.

[Theguyoverthere]

Just don't text her back. Drop her honestly. I've dealt with these types before. Honestly, they don't give you the slightest bit of time unless you say hi to them so they honestly don't care about you.

I've had this happen with multiple girls.

One girl online had a profile on pof and it was one of the typical whiney "Don't play games with me" profiles... she plans to meet me, I'm getting ready to head out the door and she tells me she has class... how the f*** does someone make plans and not realize they have class?

Another girl I worked with pulled this on me multiple times and I sent her a text saying that I would be driving over to where we were gonna meet but I know she's gonna flake and stated this is why she is single.

Another one from match.com makes plans with me and then decides to go to the movies with her dad without telling me. I dropped texting her altogether.

I honestly drop them cold turkey. Flake on me and we're done.

[Theguyoverthere]

Update reply: I wouldn't She clearly through lack of initiative shows no interest in you. I would move on and if she messages you, just ignore her. Sometimes the ignoring shocks them as a lot of girls expect guys to jump at any chance to hang out with them.

[AmongTheApples]

Don't just flake on her tomorrow and let it go. If you confront her, she'll only get offended and lose interest. If you flake on her and don't initiate any further contact and she actually likes you, in my experience, she'll come back to you.

[Asker]

Thanks.

Ill text her tomorrow morning saying that I can't because of how much

homework I have or something along those lines. And then radio silence :p

[AmongTheApples]

And, even if she does come back, you should still probably let it go. This is who she is, and she isn't changing anytime soon.

[Pleasehelpmeplease]

I really think you should just talk to her about it and not play games. In my experience not talking about what's bothering you just leads to frustration because the other person isn't a mind reader.. :)

[AmongTheApples]

As the flake above verified, they aren't really worth your time or effort. They don't appreciate it. They are conceited, and think about and for themselves, their own time and feelings only--except, once in a while, their families. And the reason for which she doesn't know what a real relationship is is that she always f***s it up with her behavior, as she's doing now. If you feel compelled to proceed then, unfortunately, I understand more than I can convey. In my recent experience with a flake,

[AmongTheApples]

I did best when I kept things light and funny and showed her interest, but was a bit detached (“busy”). The more effort I made, the less she made; but the less effort I made, the more she did; the exact opposite of how things usually work. But there you go; that’s what you have to do and put up with. When she seemed really interested, I made more effort, which just pushed her away and the whole thing would cycle, so keep the act up until it’s official. Best of luck. Let me know how it goes.

[Moonrisekitten]

I think that text shows that she's definitely open to dating but said she didn't know what you wanted because she's put herself in a bit of an awkward situation. I'm not so sure she sounds like she's done being flakey though. Be careful. And don't get too invested. Just incase.

[Moonrisekitten]

Yes I do think that's the best idea at this point if you want to see her again. I think voice mail would be best. Also, if you hit pound (#) after you leave the voice mail, it gives you the option to listen to it and/or do it again

[Asker]

Yeah I am kind of a no nonsense type of guy that is typically pretty brtually honests. And man do I hate these dating games and texting games where you have to guess the interest levels/etc. I think tomorrow ill just give her a call while she would be in class and keep it simple. Don't know what I'm gonna say, but ill figure it out I guess.

[Moonrisekitten]

Yeah those games are for kids. Definitely keep it simple. Also, not to burst any bubbles, but I'm not so sure if she'd be as cool as you're expecting anyway

[Asker]

Well that's why I am doing it. If she's interested, yay me. If not, ill know due to her lack of response, and can move on.

[Moonrisekitten]

Sounds like a good plan!

[LJHam]

A flakey girl will always be a flakey girl. How long are you willing to deal with flakiness? I suggest putting your focus on being with someone who is consistent and responsible.

I had a gal pal a few years ago who was flakey. I gave her the benefit of the doubt many times, but I finally got fed up with it. This was just who she was and I didn't want someone unreliable as a friend. I'm not saying she's a bad person. She's just not someone I want to spend time with anymore.

[PiscesEyes]

I would avoid using the word "flake." I would say something along the lines of "you so hot and cold with me, I've noticed you cancelled plans on me a lot. I think it time for me to find someone who actually can make time for me." Maybe even add, "it doesn't seem like you've learned how to stick to your committements. Which is a quality I really like in women." Personally I just think the word "flake" is insulting. Hope that gives you some ideas at least.

[LJHam]

If you wanna risk being rejected again, go right ahead. But this girl really doesn't sound like she's brightest bulb in the chandelier so if you're sick of flakiness, walk away. Save yourself the headache.

[Asker]

Well that's the thing, this would be sort of the "last straw". If she communicated back to me, and reciprocated some feelings, then id run with it. But if not, then I have some closure and its done, I can move on. But simply not replying? How will I ever know what could have been :p

[LJHam]

My thought is that she may reply and maybe you'll go out again. But the next day or the next week you'll be experiencing the same problem all over again. When is the "last straw" really going to be the "last straw"? How many times do you have to experience flakiness before you realize that's what this girl is and move on?

[Asker]

You bring up good points, but if she responds positively, id bring it up on our next date.

[LJHam]

Good luck with that. Tread lightly because most people do not like a mirror being put in front of them. Most avoid looking at their true selves because they know they won't like what they see. She'll get defensive & deny, or shrug it off as if no big deal. Both of these are typical reactions of those who do not accept responsibility for themselves.

[LJHam]

If she's worthwhile and has integrity she'll acknowledge her actions, apologize, and will make a concerted effort to do better at communicating. That's provided you explain exactly what is important to you if you two are to move forward. Remember, we teach people how we expect to be treated. :-)

[Asker]

Actually had a chat about this with some buddies during a break between classes. They just told me to leave it be and not to call her or text her. If she's truly interested, she will try to inject herself back into my life. Well f*** it I guess, I deleted her number and am just gonna ignore her.