Do I need help?

[Apulu_backagain]

Lately I feel like I'm destroying my lifestyle and I have no one to ask help from. My parents are busy people having their own share of problems and I do have friends but I have upset them so much already with everything happening with me.

So let me just start from the beginning. I barely passed 11th grade. Because of many factors and many faults from my side. And now I'm 12th grade I'm doing okay, or shall I say 'good on the surface'?

In a physics test I scored absurdly low score of 19.5/25. I almost felt like crying but somehow it was the highest score in my classroom. I was 2 marks away from being the batch highest. And in second test of physics I scored 22/35, way more low but somehow it was again highest of my classroom and many kids failed that. If you score less than 50%, you basically fail and have to write an undertaking. Everyone kept asking me how I did it all, but all I felt was I did nothing so far.

In maths test, I scored 18/25. The classroom highest was 18.5. It broke me because I was preparing for this test from starting of the session, I was determined to score full. But I couldn't score full, because of silly mistakes. In second math test, I scored 33.5/40 and I was the classroom highest this time but it was an easy paper and I know I had the potential to score full but because of this dumb brain on my shoulder I failed to do so.

And I'm basically hopeless in chemistry, never in top 5 of my classroom, but I manage to pass.

I'm not worried about my other subjects.

But physics, math and chemistry are driving me crazy, no matter how much I do it's always less. Someone is out there doing more than me and I'm frustrated by myself. Because I know I can score full. I know I can be the topper not because I'm egoist but because I'm super competitive and I'm literally ready to give up everything for this.

Updates

10 mo

I gained a lot of weight during my high school. I was around 50 kilos in the starting of high school and now I'm 74 kilos because of just sitting the whole day and stress eating my way through everything. And I feel like I'm going insane and no one else but me can pull myself out of this but I'm really weak to do that.
I hate everything about myself right now, my grades, my body, my face, oh my god how much I want to punch that face when I see it on the mirror.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

• "almost felt like crying
• "It broke me"
• "I'm destroying"
• "I'm frustrated by myself"
• "stress eating my way through everything"
• "I'm going insane"
• "I hate everything about myself"
• "Do I need help?"

☝🏼 I take it that your question is rhetorical lol☝🏼

What can I say, you probably live in a country, or a social class, or a combination of both where academic success is dominating the lands. I have seen the case with overwhelmed teenagers before, some are living a life revolving around obsession with grades like yours. I'm talking about obsession because of quotes like this: "I scored 18/25. The classroom highest was 18.5. It broke me". To me it says that a part of you, within, is an unreasonable and perpetually unsatisfied tyrant. Luckily, there is another part of you realizing that this tyrant isn't doing the right thing.

There is a third way you can find, which is a way where you would return to reality and reason. Finding this way alone, within you, will be hard. In my book, your parents should be there, helping you with what you're going through. For teenagers of my location, they can receive help from therapy when parents are failing. In your location, from what I know of India, therapy isn't popularized yet. Which is sad.

Since you life revolves around challenges right now then this is the one I offer:

Find a third way, path, approach. There is one to find, between your own tyrant inside and this other inner voice warning you about self-preservation.

Good luck 🍀

[aaron13547]

You are your help and i think you already know that... When You score the highest among your peers and it's not good enough for you; thats the difference in discipline and motivation. However, sometimes lack comes from the idea of chasing. You said you are disappointed in yourself cause you know you could do better... exactly! you are better believe it. Don't think you could or should, believe you are. Failure isn't always failure. to grow muscles a person has to break those muscles down and rebuild them over and over again and again. Every "failure" makes you stronger to be the best you have to love to fail that just means tomorrow you go harder. You are the purpose believe it and believe you can. Be positive not negative. Positivity vibrates in a way that lead to success. Also you should watch some David goggins motivational videos ;)

[AI Opinion]

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Remember, success is not just about achieving perfect scores, but also about learning and growing. Celebrate your achievements; being a top scorer in your class is commendable. Accept that it's okay not to be perfect. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Consider speaking to a counselor or mentor to help you manage stress and refocus your energy positively. Balance is key. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support from teachers or peers. You’re not alone, and with the right guidance, your goals are attainable.

[Apulu_backagain]

Only if I was AI and knew all the answers.

[Cubus]

If you got lower results than expected, but was still the best or one of the bests of your class, then it just means these tests were very challenging and/or tricky,

Don't worry, be positive. Just keep working hard, and you will be good.

[ChicoFromThe305]

As someone that didn't graduate high school I don't think I have a say to tell you anything but you've got this, keep working hard lol