[Note: I can be pretty blunt with music reviews, and these are my own opinions and will differ from me to another person, so read on at your own risk!]
I listened to it several times on my headphones (drop/koss esp/95x). If I had to summarize my viewpoint, it'd be that I thought it had several cool ideas and concepts, but I felt it was lacking some punch through the mix and composition to execute the ideas to the best of its potential. I'd rate it a 3.5/10, taking both mix and composition into account. If the mix was great as is, I'd bump it to a 5. If the changes I'm imagining were also added, I can see an 7.5 or 8 out of it. [I'm not saying a definite 9 or 10, because while I think the ideas are cool, it's tough to say that they would 'wow' me to that extent.]
To start off, I'll go over composition:
I quite liked the rhythm. It sounded like 5/8, right? It gave a unique feel, and the drum beat didn't seem so unique that it seemed random and non-groovy. I like the writing of the drum part you made. Giving off the slight hints of a sort of 6/8 but then chopping off the last beat. The beginning to around 20 seconds in worked well together. The drum part writing is my favorite part of your piece.
I feel like the oomph of the song starts getting lost in the verse section at 20 seconds or so. I attribute this to a couple of things: Your guitar seems to be stuck in a limbo here of not knowing whether to be a vocal line as a guitar or a guitar part. in my opinion, it feels too much like a vocal line and doesn't fill in the sound enough. If I were to change it, I'd do sustained arpeggiated 'tense'/'mysterious' chords and have a vocalist come in.
If you were determined on keeping it instrumental, I'd bring in a harmony guitar starting at 0:06, and then I'd bring in a bass to fill the sound out (introducing itself with a quick slide at 19 and then a pretty mellow groove at 0:20).
Honestly speaking, the guitar part composition felt kind of bland apart from the rhythm. What I was hoping for was more of a melody somewhere. It was lacking something that I feel I could hum, or something that was more varied across the note spectrum. Since it kept in the same sort of mid/mid low area, it dragged on somewhat. It felt like it was missing a lead, a counter melody, a chord based rhythm, or something. Speaking of which, I also feel like you're missing a bass desperately.
Your song could use more variation in dynamics in my opinion, spurred on also by instrumentation changes. @47 I feel like it should be dramatic, but it's falling more flat than it should simply because the one guitar is overburdened with trying to carry all the melodic instruments.
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Very good.
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You need to get yourself a better mixer. The music should sound sharp, that sounds like something you played and recorded in your bathroom.
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