How do I fix things with my best friend? I accidentally offended her.

[Anonymous]

I believe in brutal honesty with people. I don't believe in pitying people. I also hate when people have self-pity. A friend of mine came to me for help, and I thought she was just trying to get me to pity her. It turns out she wasn't. So I gave my brutal honesty like I usually do. It turns out her boyfriend was cheating on her, and all she did was want to talk to me about it. However, I thought she wanted pity but she didn't. Now she doesn't really want to hang out with me anymore.

We've been really good friends since High School. So I don't want to lose her friendship. She told me she and everyone else is sick of me being a 'bitch' when someone has a problem. She said not everyone wants pity when they want to talk. They just want to talk and vent.

However, I didn't know that. I just thought she wanted pity. I basically just told her to shut up and get over herself because there are people with worst problems then her. I told her that he was just a boyfriend and not a husband so there isn't anything to get over.

I am acknowledging that maybe I was a little bitchy. So how do I fix things? She should forgive me since I admitted it was a bitchy thing to say.

[TheEroticJester]

That's just being really bitchy. I even know why, it's your parents I'm sure and reading some of the posts I can see that is indeed the case. I have parents that are all for politeness but not for emotion or anything like that. Venting to them just leads down convoluted discussion that leads to 'follow your religion, God knows best'.

I wonder, are your parents religious by any chance?

Either way, stop judging people, it's a deep psychological problem that will become very unbearable if you go on with it in life.

[Asker]

Yes they are extremely religious. They sent my sister away just because she had sex before marriage. I did too, but they'll never know that. I made a stupid drunk mistake when I was 19. We're Canadian and the legal drinking age here is 19 and on my birthday my friends took me out and I was dumb enough to have a one night stand. That's something they'll never know, including the drinking. They don't care about the occasional drink, but they don't like people getting drunk. My sister was 17 when she had sex, so she had to go live with our grandparents until she was 21 when they got her married.

[TheEroticJester]

Pfft. Same issue here. Very judgmental and worry about things like sex and drinking over how decent a person you are becoming. That leads to a negative world view, and it will push people away.

Had the exact same problem and lots of people end up distancing, not because of the 'brutal honesty' but because you're trying to distance yourself from the religion but at the same time the judgment you faced as a kid does leave an impression.

I hope you find a fix and realize not everyone is going to be as judgmental as your parents were.

[Asker]

Well at least someone here gets it. Thank you.

[islands7]

Fix: change your outlook on troubles friends have and spin these those they get the compassion and silver linings they can't provide themselves when anchored to grief
THEN
every time you forget to care about them to this level, ask for forgiveness and provide what they need to be happy -you don't have to lie but you can avoid the naked truth

[poppunk]

Hope someone you fall absolutely in love with cheats on you. On a more serious note, you really need to learn that the fact that just because other people have worse problems doesn't invalidate your own. Its okay to hurt. And you know what, I think seeking pity is perfectly okay in that situation because that sucks. It IS something you should pity. If you don't care about your friends problem then they're right to leave you. What you need to do is tell her you'll try to empathize in the future, and mean it.

[Asker]

I'm married. I was arranged to be married when I was 20. We're both happy, but even if we weren't happy he wouldn't cheat. He's too religious for that. We'd be screwed if we weren't happy and wanted a divorce as well, because we wouldn't be able to.

Also, from the other responses from here, I've figured out I was wrong from what I said, and we're going to talk on Sunday. So I am going to apologize and listen. I am also going to help her, but not pity her. I don't believe pity helps anyone even if it means well. There are other ways to be there for someone... obviously I wasn't in the first place and I had a wake up call.

[poppunk]

What religion are you? I'm guessing christian by the other answers on here. I'd just like to remind you that when Lazarus died Jesus cried WITH the mourners and he says to cry with those who cry and rejoice with those who rejoice. He never would tell someone to 'just get over it'.

[PinkAcid]

A little bitchy? That was extremely nasty of you and I'm not surprised her and her friends are sick of you. A boyfriend cheating is a reason to be upset, you have to grow to love a boyfriend before you marry him you don't just switch on feelings on the wedding day.

You need to learn a little sympathy instead of assuming the worst in everyone and thinking it's self pity when it's not

[Asker]

They aren't just her friends. They are mine too. I never had a boyfriend, so I wouldn't know. I was arranged to be married by my parents at the age of 20. So I've never understood what it feels to have a boyfriend since I wasn't allowed. My husband and I are also happily married. Boyfriends to me seems like something that isn't serious. I've never understood boyfriend to finance to marriage. I guess I was just raised differently.

[dihydrogenmonoxide]

Boyfriends happen when you and a man meet eachother, then fall in love. Fiance happens when you and your boyfriend feel unseperatable to the point you guys intend to get married. A boyfriend can be the exact same as a man you're in love with both before and after marriage. The feeling doesn't change as much. You understand what it feels like to have a boyfriend if you're in love with your husband.

[Asker]

Like I said I just never understood boyfriends. If someone can love a boyfriend as much as someone loves a husband I do get it now. It's just something I have never got. With my family, you just marry. There isn't any courting or anything. It's the way every generation in my family has been raised. Although I did feel envious of those in High School who could date and have boyfriends. I never got to experience that. I was just lucky they set me up with a really great man. I've known others, like my cousin who wasn't so lucky.

[PinkAcid]

If you don't understand something then listen to your friends and learn about it first, don't assume things and judge if you don't understand

[Anonymous]

www.buzzfeed.com/.../phrases-that-people-with-anxiety-are-tired-of-hearing

you never know

[rthomas43]

1. You don't get to decide what she should or should not forgive you for.

2. Apologize to her and explain that you'll work on your attitude.

3. Actually stop being a bitch.

[Asker]

I don't get to decide but I would like her to. I don't believe I am a bitch. There is nothing wrong with being honest. Self-pity never helps anyone. All it does is make the person feel more depressed and lousy. Positive thinking is the way to go.

[rthomas43]

Everything isn't so black and white, ESPECIALLY with females. You should know this, seeing as how you have a vagina, but girls often times feel better after simply venting to a friend and knowing they have someone there for them.

[Asker]

I never vent. I write everything in a blog. I was taught by my parents that it's wrong to unload on friends or family. If I were to go home to my parents with some kind of problem, they would tell me to buck up. So just because I am female doesn't mean anything. You should see how my father reacts if my youngest brother comes home from school with a problem. He just has no patience for it.

[rthomas43]

You vent by writing a blog. If that works for you, then great. A lot of people prefer to confide in somebody verbally and know they have a friend there for them. You did not give your friend that feeling. You belittled her emotions.

[Asker]

I suppose so. Although it's hard apologizing. She told me to contact her on Sunday when we both have work off. So I guess that's something. What would you suggest I say on Sunday then? I plan to apologize again, but as you've seen I am not good with that stuff.

[rthomas43]

Before you can apologize, you need to understand why you were wrong in the first place. Your parents were wrong about saying it isn't okay to unload stuff on your friends and family. The problem comes into play when you're constantly venting and unloading to them. Needing occasional support from a friend is perfectly okay.

You need to apologize for the way you belittled her problems and explain how you're going to fix your attitude about such things in the future.

[Asker]

Thank you for the advice.

[CommieDearest]

Why don't you shut up and get over yourself. There are people with worse problems than you.

[Asker]

You actually made me laugh, lol.

[CommieDearest]

I'm glad lol. But seriously, she should get over it eventually. But it would serve you well to not be so harsh in the future. A lot of people who tout about being "blunt" and "honest" are actually just inconsiderate and tactless.

[Asker]

Well it was a bit of wake up call for me, but she said we'd talk on Sunday. So I am going to be nicer about it.

[CommieDearest]

That's good. When I was a teen, I had to realize the same thing about myself. I'm not a sensitive person and it took me a long time to realize that just because something wouldn't offend me...it doesn't mean it won't offend someone else. I'm glad it served as a sort of "wake up call" for you.