Is it normal to feel distant from your own children?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I never felt much of a connection. I love and care for my daughter, but I don't feel I can be close to her, nor that I should - my father was the same with me, dedicating his life to business, and my grandfather did the same to him to concentrate on politics.

My wife says that she sees I'm making an effort and that in her opinion I'm a good father, but all I think is "if you say so". I think she has rose-tinted glasses.

[AmandaYVR]

Well, not to overstate the obvious but for starters, of course it's the mother who carried the child and is full of hormones, and the flood of oxytocin tends to (but does not always) bond the mother with their child. It's nature's way of ensuring the survival of the species. Fathers also create oxytocin, but it must be less strong, one would think, as he did not carry or birth them. Culturally, many fathers used to be more distant, and while it was necessary to focus on earning, often being the sole financial provider, it seems there was also a level of convenience associated with that - meaning, if they felt awkward, or clumsy, or didn't feel that connected, it was more socially acceptable, because they too had a job and role to fill. Nowadays, the gender lines have softened considerably (despite what some prefer), and more is expected of both men and women, as there is a lot of cross-lateral responsibilities and expectations from one another. Theoretically, this would/could/should create a tighter family unit. There isn't the, "Wait until your father gets home..." as the disciplinarian of the two, type of dynamic. Daddy is often expected to do the diapers, baths, bottle feedings, too. And who really wants to do all that stuff all the time? Sharing the load is a very common strategy/method now, if both parents work outside the home, but there's no question raising a child is taxing for both parents.

There are also mothers who don't instantly connect with their child. And then there is the very legit postpartum depression, due to probably not just the major hormonal changes the body and mind had to endure, but also the complete change in lifestyle and daily routine.

Lots of pregnancies are unplanned, and many are not also welcome. Some have children because of familial and societal pressure. But people have to make due, and raise their young as best they can, no matter the circumstances.

Some new parents are overwhelmed, and wonder why they got themselves into the situation. It's a lot of burden and responsibility to bear, raising a new human. One might get help from parents, friends and others, but most of it is trial by fire, learn as you go. Exhaustion and sleep deprivation set in. This affects mood, cognition, memory, focus. One can lose optimism and hopefulness that they have resolve to do it, or do it well, and having a fussy baby, screaming seemingly for no reason or with no way to calm them, certainly doesn't help. Babies are selfish (and the slowest to mature, and most helpless of all species), so intermittent feelings of resentment about how the love seems to just one way, are natural in these early stages, if hormones and a greater sense of purpose, do not kick in for the parent. The bond can take time.

Babies are not like children who communicate back, have the use of language, are very interactive, exploratory, curious and learning new things every day. they absorb the world like a sponge, with every discovery being a first. Even if that appears as a solitary experience, parents often enjoy being witness to this. Newborn babies before they are mobile have almost none of these, and spend their time just growing, eating, sleeping. Parents like to say they can see the personality appearing, but the reality is the real traits take time to develop and be revealed.

The new situation also brings to mind one's own childhood, which can be its own intense mess to untangle. Some think they have it all worked out, have peace and clarity, but stress can unearth unresolved feelings. There can also be resentment and anger over how one was raised, and feelings of concern of either falling into those same trappings, or fighting valiantly to rebel against them, so as not to make the same mistakes again. Sometimes even being highly aware of the patterns, one can feel sometimes doomed to repeat them.

These are all just some random ideas that came to mind. Any or all could be a factor here, with you. To be fair, not all parents do bond intensely with their children. Many relationships end between the parents, and one leaves for their own sanity, and the children suffer the breakdown of the family unit. And some parents just do not like being a parent. Or they don't like their child. I don't want to paint an unrealistically always-sunny picture. We all know some parents should never have been one, but that's life. At some point we all have to take responsibility for ourselves, how we 'turn out', and not endlessly blame our upbringing or what advantages we didn't have.

You'll probably feel more later. I've heard this about babies, and I think of all that I wrote, that is probably the most useful takeaway for now. Once the child becomes more cognizant, they'll seem less like an alien entity, and more like something made by you, with similarities to you. Then it will likely all come together, and you won't feel so separate and distinct. They are your flesh and blood. That is a powerful concept, one most people tend to want to nurture.

[fonduegirl]

Maybe you're disinterested in fatherhood. It's a possibility and I hope you don't feel hurt by my remark.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Don't worry, I recognize that could be the case. I try to do my best, but I feel it difficult to connect.

[fonduegirl]

I think it'd be difficult for you to accept. It's gonna be okay though. Take your time. Have a couple of father daughter dates to bond! I wish my father did it with me. Would have repaired our relationship.

[lightbulb27]

Your heart ( emotions) are suppressed due to how you were treated. You’d have to find emotional and spiritual release from the past that controls you.


I think it’s normal but I see some people with warmer expressions to children. Some kids want and need that as the daughters develop their idea of their man from dad.

[OlderAndWiser]

Is it possible that you don't want to see yourself as a good father because it then will force you to focus on what you missed in your relationship with your father?

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not. You’re this way because that’s all you know from your own childhood. Seek help so you can break that dysfunctional generational cycle.

[Guy13]

We repeat what we learn…

[Andres77]

Yes…

[Andres77]

Their attempts to show themselves as adults and trying to step outside of authority and protection.