How to not feel lonely at school?

[Anonymous]

School recently started, and I haven't made any friend in any of my classes. I started going home during lunch because I felt so awkward in the cafeteria alone. I can't help but feel a bit lonely seeing everyone have fun with their friends while I have no one to talk to or even be partners with during group work.

I had a few friends before, but I stopped talking to them because they were really draining and made me feel upset. I already see them with new friends too. It seems I'm the only one who can't make any friends and I just feel sad, lonely, and unmotivated every day these days...

[SteveSmith1985]

Man... reading this got me a little choked-up to be honest.

I also wish that I had some great advice to give, that would suddenly turn everything around for you, but I'm afraid I don't have any magical solution.

Full disclosure, I can't relate to what you're going through from personal experience. Socially, I was always extremely fortunate. My heart really goes out to you having to cope with feeling lonely on top of all the bullshit everyone has to deal with in life.

FIrst, I would ask: Are your former friends good people? Like are they people WORTH having as friends? (I have no idea whether they were draining and made you feel upset because they're shitty people/friends; or if you just had a fight with an otherwise-good group of friends).

Depending on what happened, and whether or not it makes sense for your situation... you might really want to consider reconciling things with your old group of friends. Again, that might not be something that you want to do, and perhaps it's not even possible. But... shit... sometimes you gotta just (as we would have said) "squash the beef".

If that's not possible/desireable, then my second suggestion is... not really an easy one... but nevertheless I think it's worthwhile.

That suggestion is to make a point to "put yourself out there" to try and make new friends. I understand that you can't just walk up to anyone, or any group. But still, there must be some people who you don't usually hang out with... that you COULD hang-out with (without it being really weird) that you could just sorta walk-up to and insert yourself in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Try and avoid the temptation to isolate yourself. Try NOT to sit there by yourself if there's ANY possibile option to do otherwise. Even if that's outside of your comfort zone. Try NOT to go home for lunch.

It's a matter of 'being lonely breeding more loneliness' that you have to fight against. So if you sit alone at lunch thinking you're the only person who can't seem to make friends... and ESPECIALLY if you start going home for lunch... then the odds that you CONTINUE to be lonely are quite high. That's simply because you are unlikely to meet new people.

Now, like I said, I've been lucky socially. I make friends easily, can talk to anybody, and seem to make new friends anywhere I go.

I CAN tell you from personal experience, that people are almost always open to meeting new people. But you'll have to take the initiative to literally walk up to groups (the one's it's not super-weird to do that with), it's striking up a small conversation with someone sitting next to you in class about whateverthefuck. It's basically 'putting yourself out there' and being friendly, and making a point to try and have more interactions with people (little ones).

Just like being lonely can be 'a cycle' where loneliness breeds loneliness. I think the opposite (in fact I KNOW) is true too. Not so much that "being popular breeds popularity" but... sorta. What it comes down to is "confidence" and "seeming like you feel like you belong". THOSE things are also a cycle that breeds more of those things.

If you walk up to a group of acquaintances you don't usually talk to... and you SEEM like you feel shy, awkward and out-of-place... then that's exactly how you'll seem. If, on the other hand you SEEM like you belong there, then that's how you'll seem too.

This is one of those rare "fake it till you make it" situations. Generally, that's bad advice. This is a rare situation where it's not.

I can tell you from experience, that people pretty much ALWAYS respond positively when meeting new people or talking to a group of acuaintances you usually wouldn't... IF YOU ASSUME THAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LIKE YOU. (again, it's a confidence thing).

That's the only real thing I can think of that makes the difference between me and you. I'm not more interesting, or funny, or charming than you (or anybody else). But I AM a friendly motherfucker who generally assumes that people are going to like me. And they generally do like me. But I really think that's the main difference.

If I had ended up lonely and NOT being as socially confident, I wouldn't assume people are going to like me if I decide to walk up to them. If I didn't have that assumption, I think that I wouldn't have had nearly such an easy time socially.

I realize you don't AT ALL feel 'confident' that people are going to like you. I realize that's sorta the whole problem. What I'm saying to YOU is...

If you're able to "get the ball rolling" by faking-it a bit; putting yourself out there and, say, sitting at a lunch table with aquaintances you usually wouldn't eat with (or people you don't know at all if you want)... then there is MOMENTUM that kicks in.

You fake-it and make an attempt to make some social connections outside your usual comfort zone. Then, when that doesn't go horribly, that helps give you more confidence when it comes to meeting OTHER new people.

I truly think that I could have ended up in your shoes if I had ended up in the 'lonely cycle'. Instead I ended up in the 'popular cycle'. I think both are self-perpetuating. I also think that confidence is key. Or rather, the appearance of confidence. Seeming like you FEEL like you belong. If you can somehow 'get started' then momentum kicks in.

I don't know if any of that is going to end up being at all helpful. I'm afraid it's all I can think of though. Hang in there. And good luck! 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.

As for my former friends, it's not that they're terrible people, but I just felt a bit invalid I guess? I don't know if that's the right word but one of the friends just kinda started to decide everything like where we go, what we do etc and the second friend was always agreeing so it made me seem like the annoying one and not taken seriously if I ever disagreed. Another one of my friends just suddenly got mad at me because she had another friend group and was like "stop following me when I'm with my other friends".

I realize part why I'm so shy is because of past incidents, but aside from that I always overthink before talking to someone or I never know what to talk about, which just ends up in me not saying anything.

However, your words are encouraging and I will try to act on them the best I can. :)

[D_Bone_Steak]

I fucking hate "friends" and feel better off without the bloodsuckers on my nutts. If you want to be a social butterfly then you'll have to mingle with them and basically force your way in. Or you can be like me and say fuck it. I found a charter school when I was in high school. Regular degree, 2 hours a week, and going in was just for tests. I earned 2 to 4 credits a week. I was in Hollywood (Burbank actually) and I was basically just doing what child actors do and was in there with them. Fuck normal High school... just finish it ASAP and do things that are actually worth the time.

[Anonymous]

some part of my high school felt like this. i was bad at making friends. eventually tho somehow i ended up being friends with a few good people. its different now that im 22.. its easier and I've made friends. im sure it will happen to you, too. just be open to it.

I don't know if this will help but before i made friends, the only thing that helped me was convincing myself not to care what other people thought. yeah, people will notice that you are alone, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. you can *try to enjoy* being alone. do you like reading? listening to music? playing games on your phone? do any of it while you're at lunch. even watch some movies/videos, or you can just enjoy your food. dont worry about what other people think- is my advice. mean while, while you're at it, try slowly socializing with others. even just smiling at someone when you make eye contact, or- the easiest way to meet people- start small talks. when you notice something about someone sitting near you or behind your line, tell them about it. it could be a compliment, or a similar interest (depends on you, for me- since im a girl, its shoes/clothes/makeup). after that interaction just smile every time you see them. eventually (or whenever you feel ready), ask to join them for lunch. dont overthink it. i remember doing it before. it was hard, but only in the beginning. it took me a while for sure, so i was alone at lunch for a lot of times. it was awkward but i learned to enjoy it. now, though, i *love* being alone.. i enjoy going out to eat/watch movies/shopping alone. being alone isn't so bad if you think about it. good luck :)

[Opinion Owner]

just know, its not always gonna feel that way. as long as you also try and meet people half way (but dont pressure yourself). a lot of people are nice and like making new friends. its the initiation that's challenging. after that first interaction, it won't even matter anymore.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I generally don't really care how others think of me, but I think it's just how crowded the cafeteria is that makes me feel more awkward than being alone in class. I really suck at small talk so I'll definitely try to improve that.

It is hard, I'm glad someone can relate and I'll use your advice. :)

[Opinion Owner]

Im glad! I hope it helps.. and yeah, definitely the more you do it you would undoubtedly get better at it. Just crossed my mind, it doesn't also have to be a small talk. Maybe with one of the students you have a class with, casually ask them about a class work, topic, etc. if you need help, or notice if someone needs ur help. If that seems easier than engaging for small talks! Maybe you can see it ending in studying together/working on a project together.

[josephinelcajon]

Most feel this way especially if switching schools. Is this your first year of high school? Find a club you like. Think of what you like to do when home and I am sure there are others. the most important thing is keep trying

[Asker]

Thank you for the response.

This is actually my 3rd year of high school, but I did my first online and the 2nd year was with the friends I mentioned (same school).
I have tried, but unfortunately there aren't that many clubs and I don't have an interest in them... I will keep trying!

[josephinelcajon]

Then why not just go back to online schooling get it over with and move on. No reason to go if you are uncomfortable!

[art84]

I was like that in high school and just accepted it as I was shy to get out of my comfort zone.