Lots of people around me say my girlfriend is horrible, but I don't see it. Why?

[Anonymous]

My family and friends (minus one sibling) think my girlfriend of 2 years is horrible. She keeps falling out with her own friends as well; they keep leaving her life saying she's not a good person.

My family say they won't get involved in my relationship as I am an adult and can make my own decisions, but they say my girlfriend is toxic. But I don't see it and am in love with her. What should I do? Is it possible they're seeing something I can't see? How can I tell if my family and friends are just haters or my girlfriend is a problem?

[DaveJord]

Dude, my ex-wife everyone around me thought the same thing... but nobody said anything to me because by the time, they figure out I was going marry her she was already pregnant. But honestly it would have not mattered to me, I was so infatuated with her and thought it was true love I would have not of seen it for myself. Meaning I was so close to the problem I could not see it; I was just looking past all the signs.

Trust your family and freinds... it was terrible marriage that went on for 20 years... it was painful. After I divorced her, then all the truth came out all my freinds and family told me how much they hated her. They had stories about all the different things she said or did at different moments in time... but they said nothing because they figured it was not their place... plus we had kids, and nobody want to say something that could break up a marriage when there are kids involved.

So be grateful there are people in you life willing to tell you about these types of things and be honest with you. Go back to the people you love and know love you and ask why... have these conversations with then try to step back on objectively ask yourself what it all really means.

I think back now, and I remember people saying things and how I shut them down or dismissed it. When honestly, I should have listened an been grateful for the fact they are people that do really care about me, and when the marriage came smashing down how they were there for me even then.

[Alwayreckles93]

I'm a woman I know the evil things woman do your ex wife's pregnancy wasn't an accident she had it all plan out just so you would marry her. Believe me a woman know when her menstrual period cycle begins and what days exactly she will be fertile. I am sure she live to you about being on the pill. She used her pregnancy to trap you. If I were you I would get a DNA test done. You never know. I know you and I had our difference but just some advice get a DNA test done.

[DaveJord]

@Alwayreckles93 I was 20 then, and its 26 years too late. But yeah, I don't think it was accident. As soon as my oldest was 18 she was gone and never came back. Divorced when my youngest was 17 and I haven't seen or her from her in 2 years. I am told my oldest has a restraining order against her mother now, but she blames me for not doing more but I never knew... there was signs but I looked pasted them, and maybe I knew but didn't know, or didn't want to know I live with that burden. But going through it all was such a mind fuck at the time, and now my kids will not even talk to me or want to revisit any of it. So, fuck what did this woman do to these kids, that is sooooo traumatic to them, and what type of piece of shit Dad was I?

I was in the military, so I was gone a lot, but that's no real excuse... I tried so many times. But the women were fucked in the head, she fucked up the heads of my children and when buy the time I figured out the problems, it was all too late for me and the kids... to this day I still don't know the extent of the abuse... but I was never present or witnessed it, but she had the kids scared to talk and to me, and programed to believe it was all my fault and they can't even tell me why they feel that way today... because they know I didn't do it directly but somehow, it's my fault because I forced their mom into doing it... but they don't even talk to their mom anymore.

Some seriously fucked shit... and everyone around me saw the signs and felt liked it was bullshit... but I was so blinded to it nobody said or did anything. But again, we were in the military, so my family was not there all the time either.

[Haha456]

@DaveJord

I admire your taste in women.

[DaveJord]

@Haha456 Haha... 456 very very funny!!! 😆 😉

[Haha456]

@DaveJord

From what I've seen over the years , all the horror stories of relationships. I wholeheartedly believe that some people aren't single simply due to the fact they have lower standards and a higher tolerance for BS. I would never have come anywhere close to committing to folks like this.

[DaveJord]

@Haha456 you know I agree... I got snatched up or carried away at 20... and it lasted for 22 years. She sexy as hell, but bat shit crazy.

But since being back in the dating world, I think you're 100% either you got to lower your standards or have an extremely high level of tolerance.

Honestly I seriously ask myself this question, is the problem me? I mean its obviously this person is full of shit, there is no way possible that I can ignore it, not say anything, or am just supposed act like they didn't just say that?

It me making a bigger deal of it, but given my history it generates anxiety for me...

[Alwayreckles93]

I don't blame your child for getting a restraining order on that malicious woman. At times we must cut of family. I bet your child feels a lot more happier now cutting off that crazy woman. Sounds like your ex is a narcissist.

[DaveJord]

@Alwayreckles93 she's some type of something... Joy killing, happiness draining, soul suckimg leech.

[Haha456]

@DaveJord

I just realized that because I have seen an 18 yr old girl marry a 33 yr old man with 5 kids. She spent the past 23 years raising those kids as her own. Then there was also another 24 yr old man who married a 39 yr old single mother.

When I was 24, I rejected a guy who I fell for just because he was in his 40s and also a single dad to 2 kids. I was still a kid at 24, I had no desire / intention of being a parent at that young age. Especially being so young and raising someone else's children.

It all boils down to low standards. Some people need less to be happy.

[DaveJord]

@Haha456 I call it out, when meet someone who says or does something... I call it out immediately or within the next day or two.

What's did mean when you said this... or why are doing this or that, you do realize it can be taken the wrong way or send mixed signals right?

When they go from 0 to 60 in less than 5 seconds, get hyper defensive, resort to name calling, or aggressive... can't have honest conversations, I pretty am done with them.

[Haha456]

@DaveJord

I'm very intolerant and critical of others, which makes me very discerning when it comes to seeing flaws. I usually can tell exactly what is wrong with the person within the first 3 dates. People tend to put their best foot forward during the beginning stages which makes it a bit difficult for some to see flaws immediately. But over my years, there are many who fail to put their best foot forward even during the super early stages of dating.

There are also a lot of friendly people with a super "moral , nice, respectful" demeanor who are actually no different from petty people (deep on the inside). Quite a lot of people know how to act / sound nice but are just like me and you. Some people know how to sound very morally upright when they actually are pieces of shit on the inside. Others are nice to you when they first meet you then show their rude side after 5 months.

Time is the only way to effectively get to know someone. Don't make too quick judgements off first impressions.

[Haha456]

@DaveJord

I met a really sweet guy back in July. We were friends. He developed feelings for me. We went out a couple of times in September.

After a few weeks into it, I found out that this really "sweet guy" was really skilled at smooth talking and may not be entirely honest at times (in order to get what he wants).

That itself raises the question: if i have a hard time trusting you in dating, how can i trust you in marriage?

[DaveJord]

@Haha456 no doubt, I did maytake recently were I made this piont. The guys that play a long with the process say all the right things and hang aroind throughtout all trails and paces women put them through just to earn "their trust", are usually the wrong types... because good honest, geniune, successful and Accomplished men are not going to play along with type of process. And the ones that do usually do it for as long it takes to get what they want.

[Haha456]

@DaveJord

I think its also important to note that no person is perfect. It depends on the severity of the flaws. If you're gonna expect someone with no flaws, you're likely gonma be single for life. Even people who seem "perfect" "saints" have flaws and can do very assholic things unintentionally. I've had that happen to me. Once i was best friends with the nicest kindest girl ever. Once she was asked if she had any flaws. She replied : " no i have no flaws that i can think of". She ended up taking advantage of me and forgot all about me in the cruelest way after she met her boyfriend. She wasn't aware of what she did wrong until i told her. She was sorry and tried to rekindle the friendship but i had to reject her. That was the perfect example of an inherently shitty friend. She was nice but flawed.

My mother married a very bad tempered verbally and emotionally abusive man who yelled at her constantly. But she was a push over and can handle being yelled at. I wouldn't be able to date a guy like him for a week. Theyve been married 30 years and still going strong.

[DaveJord]

@Haha456 i agree

[coachTanthony]

You are either blind or the people around you don't want you to be happy. You will need to figure that out with some self reflection and awareness. Many times your friends and family don't want to lose their influence over you so they HATE. You need to decide which is which and thinking back... have they done this before?

[Asker]

No, they haven't done this before. I've only had one ex before my current and they all quite liked her

[coachTanthony]

Well maybe then give that some thought …they could be right

[Mmmariaxc]

Everyone thought this about my sister in law... The first time she met me within 10minutes (and she did this to everyone) she told me in explicit detail all about one of her her ex husbands raping her.(the story completely changes all the time) she was always kinda one of those people that can’t stop lying or attention seeking. Then one day she showed up at his brothers door in just red lingerie uninvited wanting sex I’m sure she’s done more crazy stuff we just don’t know about.

So yeah... if I was you I would ask your family exactly why they don’t like her because they might be seeing something you are missing and they just probably want the best for you.

[Summeroflove]

She’s a piece of shit. I assume your brother was not flattered… at all. She’s a terrible person.

I don’t know how some don’t see it

[Mmmariaxc]

No he fucked her 🤦🏻‍♀️ dumbass but she lied and said they broke up.
Unfortunately they are still married she got deep in his head he was already depressed after the army and his previous wife died and he felt like he couldn’t leave her because he said if she lied like her ex about him he isn’t white, he would surely go to prison ñ. 😢

[Mmmariaxc]

@Summeroflove you are right I don’t know how 2 ex husband’s at 24 wasn’t enough of a red flag 🙄

[Summeroflove]

True. I mean that’s a red flag. I mean. I suppose it depends on the situation. He needs to divorce her.

But. As people you have a right to choose whose in your life and who isn’t. You can love your brother and see him.

But you don’t have to allow her into your homes or anything sometimes if you’re forced to be around her. Long as she isn’t being a bitch you can be nice to her. But not someone you choose to be around

[Summeroflove]

Why would he fuck her? Well. He’s no better. This bitch is destroying your family.

He’s no better for giving in. He should have shut the door in her face and say get off my property or you’re going to jail

I’m not a dumbass hopefully that was not directed at me. Because normal people would say oh fuck no

[Summeroflove]

Even if she lied and said they broke up. It’s still not something someone should do. She’s a weirdo

[Mmmariaxc]

@Summeroflove not directed at you at all, the brother.

[Summeroflove]

I figured it was. Sorry not to take things personally.

People do just randomly insult people on here. Uncalled for. Out of the blue. For no reason at all.

Yeah he’s a dumbass for that own

[Summeroflove]

*one

[LazerBean]

As someone else said, you're thinking with your dick. Some people say love is blind, but really it's hormones that are blinding. There is no way that everyone else is wrong and she is the only one that's right. I've known a lot of people who have said that, and every single one of those persons have caused nothing but misery to the people around them. A misery that disappeared as soon as everyone cut that person out of their life. So of course your family is right and you can do whatever you want to do, but you should definitely look at the way your girlfriend treats everyone around her and give a good, objective judgment.

[Slingblade1126]

Absolutely correct. My family went through it with one of my brothers girlfriends a while back. She was beautiful but a total bitch! Of course he was blind to the constant lying and deceiving and no one could talk any sense into him. One day she trash talked my mom and made her cry. For some reason that's what it took to shock him into reality. That and also my dad saying she's not welcome in his home. Two days later he dumped her.

[LazerBean]

Oh wow, sounds like a stressful situation! Glad it all got sorted out though

[SnowedIn]

There is SOOOOOO much good advice here. All I will add is this: when people you love and trust (family and friends) warn you about someone/something, then in answer to your question: YES, it is absolutely possible they see something that you can't. Doesn't mean your girlfriend is a terrible person but it may mean there's something there that isn't good for you. You need to listen objectively to what they're saying and then look at whatever that thing is and decide if there's some truth to it.

Here's the thing: it's less than common for family and friends to hate on SOs. There's just no benefit in that. So, if there's no motive in being a hater, perhaps there's some fire where this smoke is.

[SkyCastle90]

This is hard to give advice on because we don't know her personally. Listening to friends and family can be wise, especially if you're being abused, but at the end of the day you're the one who is dating her and have been for years now. How do you feel about her? Do you care if your friends and family don't like her? Does she make you happy?

If you're not getting physically, psychologically, sexually, or verbally abused or cheated on by her and your friends/family just find her really annoying then I wouldn't worry too much about it because everyone has their flaws. Remember it's what you want, not them.

[Weapon77]

You should first tell me about your gal. More than likely, she has tons of dangerous traits, and you are blinded by love. We become chemically addicted to love once we feel it for someone. It's almost impossible to break its hold suddenly. But you should tell me what she's like and what the specific reasons are your family and her own friends don't like her because I don't know if they are reasonable or not. But I'll tell you this: dangerous people, even girls, will isolate you from your family, and they eother have no friends or they always alienate or piss off their own friends.

[TonyV]

Well on one hand your the only one that needs to like her so it dosent really matter if they don't.

But on the other hand if everyone is leaving her and calling her a bad person there could be some truth to that.

Do you love her or are you upsessed with her? We've all been there, had a strong crush on someone, thought they were perfect, they seem perfect through your rose tinted glasses but take them off and you see the redflags.

Let me guess. She's a hotter chick then you ever thought you could get. So you think you have to put in work to keep her cause you subconsciously feel insecure and inadequate. Your friends and family who know you're a good guy probably don't understand why you are bending over backwards for an arrogant 8 with a shitty attitude that has no filter and feels intitle. Just a geuss.

Ask them why.

[FilmGuy93]

I’m going to totally level with you here; there is absolutely something they are seeing that you don’t. You’re in love with her (and presumably she loves you), which is why you’re getting a different version of her than other people see. She’ probably telling you about these situations and you’re listening to what she’s saying, but not actually hearing the story.

If ALMOST EVERYONE in your girl’s life leaves her life; there is something very wrong. This isn’t a question of finding her tribe.

[Chaser3232]

Maybe it’s time to step back and reevaluate! Ask for some time alone, and see how that goes. Tell her you’re seeking professional help and advise her to do the same! If she’s resistant then that’s your first concern. Do that same with the family! We all bring baggage to our relationships, but what we do with it affects it! Trauma is often hidden and causes us to be toxic.
I’m not saying give up on her, just back away for awhile! Took a look from the outskirts of the relationship, see how she is with others. Falling apart from friends is good indicator!

[byrdman89]

You're in love with her so you see her in a positive light and no one other than the two of you know what you feel for each other it could be that she's a wonderful girlfriend for you but clashes with your family and has a hard time getting along with certain people - I'm always a fan of honest and direct communication especially with family and close friends I don't know if you've tried this already but you could ask your family what specifically it is about her that they don't like and go from there as long as everybody is respectful to each other and no one is harming anyone I say Enjoy your woman! You're the one in a relationship with her it's not required that your family love her

[Tom_Wray_04]

Her own friends having issues should be more of a "tale-tell" sign than your family not liking her. They knew her longer and have more perspective.

To answer your original topic question. Many times it's easier for an outsider to see issues with a person than the other partner in a relationship. To quote an old song my parents would listen to a lot. We often wear "rose-colored glasses" that only show us what we want to see and hide the truth.

Before you just tell your family to stop being haters, think about the points they are making and try to think from an outsider's perspective. If you still don't see an issue you may be right. If you start to see some of what they are saying, be open to the reality they may be right.

Either way, I wish you the best in this.

[NZGirl07]

You're the person who knows her best. Is she respectful to you, her friends and your family? Is she caring and kind? I had a toxic best friend and boyfriend at one point, I'm sure people could have said I'm the common denominator and must be the bad person, but sometimes it just happens that a good person can end up with bad people around them who twist the story. No one knows her better than you. Ask your family why they don't like her, it will be obvious if their reasons are good or not.

[ShellyB]

It could be either way, maybe they are all focusing on some trait that seems important to them that is actually not v. important, but it is more likely that a bunch of people are right than that one or two people are right so, personally I would take some time and try to think fairly about what they are saying and if they have a point. I would say there is a three out of four chance that they are closer to right and a one out of four chance that you are closer to right. JMO good luck!

[A_Bell]

Frankly it sounds like you are thinking with your Richard Johnson* and not your brain. Is it worth dating someone who will chase away all you family and friends?

How can EVERYONE else be wrong? Just wait when those behaviors eventually turn against you.

* Richard Johnson is a euphamism so I wouldn't have to use "Dick."

[bamesjond0069]

I agree in general HOWEVER the exception is if he has a different set of morals or unique habits and she shares them but everyone thinks she's weird but actually they are both weird together. This happened to me when I was younger.

[Guardian45]

If the Whole World says The Emperor has NO clothes, then I think it's safe to say that you're love-blind!

This was proven true for me. ALL MY FRIENDS HATED my Ex and wanted NOTHING to do with her.

Fast forward, we divorced after she abused me snd it 10 years for me to recover.

[Anonymous]

I listen to my heart but I make sure that it's really my heart that I'm hearing and not my mind. The heart is always right but the mind is filled with trauma, limiting beliefs, and fears. Those things will not let you see things clearly, they'll create a veil that distorts reality. That's why you might not be able to see what others are seeing. People confuse the mind with the heart most of the time. In your case, if everyone is saying negative things about your girlfriend, you should definitely take it into consideration. Try to meditate, it'll calm your mind, and you'll finally hear what your heart is saying. Your heart will only lead you to your highest good.

[tonamimargaux]

Don’t judge your girlfriend on basis of other people's opinions. Judge her on your terms many times a person can be toxic for others and the best human being for us. It depends on who fits with whom. I felt the same about my brother's girlfriend, kept telling him she is toxic and stuff but never asked him to leave her because I know she was extra good to him I just wanted him to be happy regardless of my negative opinions of her.

[Alwayreckles93]

Please listen to your friends and family before it's too late. Now a days people are crazy and you never know. My cousin's now ex girlfriend fake pregnancy for whole 6 months we even threw a baby shower for her and she didn't want a shower weird thing she never had nausea never felt tired until my sister pull her shirt and it was just a fake Belly she order of Amazon. Yeah so please be careful.

[lightbulb27]

"love" is blind can be true. it's at minimum, a filter for tolerance.

yea probably, but they dont' know her in intimacy like you do and you are the one that is close to her. It's your life, maybe you two work well together. you have to sort it out.

maybe you have no context to compare...

[MLGbreezy]

I’ve learned that following my heart often leads to heart break and me making a fool of myself/humiliating myself. So I’ve tried to listen to my head more then anything now and I still fail to do that a lot of the time. Listen to you’re head not you’re heart.

[Chris_u006]

I listen as much to my heart as I listen to other people in general...
60/40 or 70/30 or 100/0
It is rarely a situation when it is at 50/50 no matter what the topic is.
Often people around you only say what they say to you because they care about you and are concerned/worried about you. Somtimes the people are wrong sometimes they are right. If it bothers you a lot, you might wanna ask the people around you why they have their opinion and are so eager to let you know how they think.