Who on earth disowns a 16 year-old child just because they kept mom's affair a secret?

[Vesuvius87]

Maybe Reddit isn't a realiable site but I was reading this story about a father disowning her daughter just because she kept her mother's affair a secret. She was afraid of breaking up the family and didn't know what to do. The mother told her about the affair when she was just 16, a minor.

Then when she turned 18, he disowned her but he was already not speaking to her even when she was a minor. The girl is 27 by now and by 2020, she approached her father with tears (wanting him to recognize her) and he was cold enough to say ''Who are you''. She said she's his daughter and he said ''I don't have one'' and walked away. So cold. Honestly that man in the story sounds worse than my father. In order for my father to reach that extreme level of not even acknowledging me it would have to be something much extreme such as wanting him dead, that type of horror.

This is the link to the story and the OP's account was removed:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sfl8a6/is_there_any_way_i_can_fix_my_relationship_with/

I'm wondering if this is a troll or there is a lot more to the story she's not telling. I can't think of a parent would have that extreme reaction just for that reason.

[abc3643]

While I don't believe that I would behave like that, I do believe plenty of men would behave like that.
This question and the girl's actions go to the root of one of the most important psychological differences between males and females.

You ask this question and suspect the possibility of a troll because you are female and you view the world similar to the girl - you want harmony within the family and community and you are willing to make sacrifices so this is so. You want to feel intimately connected with the others in your community and especially your family. These are fundamental female traits and they are good traits. They may save the world.

But they are not male traits at all.

Males are much more suspect and distrusting and view the universe as full of threats and competitors. Why? Because it IS filled with threats and competitors. Males are evolved to address threats and competitors and fundamental to that is distinguishing what is a threat and what is not. What is a threat? Anything that is not not a threat. Things that are not SUPPOSED to be threats are family members - the people you expect to be loyal. These are the people that males are evolved to take care and protect from threats. So, when a family member is disloyal, the family member IS a threat!

I want to focus on loyalty and trust for a moment... Males are evolved to know that information = power. When you have information, you can use it to protect yourself or to defeat enemies/threats especially if the information you know is about the enemy. However, the reverse is true: If your enemy has information about you, he can use it to defeat you. This is why privacy is so critical in our society... like medical records. For instance, if your enemies knew you were allergic to X, they might put X in your food to kill you. Anyway, when you love a woman and trust her, this means you expect her loyalty and she will not divulge information about you to others or, especially, potential enemies.

The mother was cheating... with another man. She could have passed on family secrets about the husband. The other man is DEFINITELY __now__ an enemy because he is "stealing" the husband's woman. For a man, being cheated on is much less about sex than it is about the loss of trust and disloyalty and creating and helping an enemy.

So, the mother/wife is gone. Many a men will have nothing to do with such a woman after cheating.

But what about the daughter?

For some men - men who are emotionally intelligent enough to understand that women view the world and have priorities fundamentally different from men - they can likely forgive the daughter because they understand her motives - to keep the family in harmony.

But for many men, the daughter is complicit. From the father's perspective, she, too, was disloyal since she should have brought this to her father's attention immediately. But she didn't - she "took the mother's side", he views it. He can't trust the daughter anymore either and, now that she's an adult or adult enough, she needs to know that actions have consequences and her lack of action in this case had the consequence of losing her father.

I feel for this girl; she was in a no-win situation with these parents. She doesn't tell the father so now they are estranged because of his rejection. At least she still has the mother. However if she "ratted out" the mother, she'd lose the mother instead. In other words, she was going to lose a parent.

The fault here is on the mother - not just for cheating but for confiding in the daughter! She should not have done that and put the daughter in this situation. So, why did the mother tell her? She needed to share because that's what women do and need to do. However, admitting cheating is a dangerous thing to share unless with a trusted friend or family member; telling anyone else and it gets back to the father sooner or later through the grapevine. So, she confesses to the daughter.

If it was the father who cheated, he wouldn't tell a soul. Friend, son, or daughter. Because men are different and they know information = power and information about you - like your cheating - could be used against you.

Anyway, this story is not likely a troll and there are plenty of men who'd behave like this.

The key lesson in my essay is to understand these fundamental differences between males and females. Your question illustrates your femaleness because males should innately understand the father's perspective even if they wouldn't act like him.

[abc3643]

There is hope. The father should likely be forgiving of the daughter as the years pass, but he will be much more forgiving if she comes clean as to why she didn't tell Dad and, also, if the father comes to understand human nature and that fundamental difference between males and females. That is absolutely critical. I am old and understand what I wrote, so I can forgive the daughter. Many younger men would not be there and may never get there. If this father is like that, then the only thing left the daughter can have with the father is hope.

I'd like to know where the mother is in this and how long the cheating went on for...

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for pointing out the differences between the genders. Though I would like to think many people of both genders would still have unconditional love towards their children.

[Jerre]

I can't even think a parent would do something like that, but if there are parents who kill their children, I'm sure there would be some who could do what you described.

[Vesuvius87]

That's why I'm wondering if it's really a troll story for attention since after all it's Reddit or the woman in the story isn't telling the whole story. That story doesn't make sense for me. No parent should abandon or stop speaking to a 16 year-old just because they didn't took their sides. If the story is real, that man is full of BS.
She's still his daughter. He lives under expectations that a child is suppose to take his sides or else he'll easily disown them... that sounds like a manipulative parent.

[kylee2437]

Honestly I can see it being a true story. My fathers step father abandoned him because my dad decided to start his own business instead of working for him the rest of his life. He’s super jealous of my dads success.

[Vesuvius87]

@kylee2437
Thank you for sharing me another example of a manipulative, narcissistic parent. They'll love you as long as you're on their side only. That goes to show you that not everyone deserves to be parents.

[Jerre]

Very True

[Jerre]

@Vesuvius87 Thank you for Most Helpful.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

In life there is right & there is wrong & at a young age most of us learn right from wrong. In addition there are two sides to every story & in this case there are three or more.

As for daddy’s little girl unfortunately she was caught in the middle of the affair & hopefully a lesson was learned about keeping secrets & how they can backfire.

Shame on her mother for everything & for the way things turned out as well.
As for her father he’s not wrong for what he did & he’s not 100% right either.

I’m going to mostly side with dad one this one because if the daughter was old enough to understand what an affair is & understand that it is wrong she should of did the right thing & told her father.

In addition if we’re in her father’s shoes & I found out about the affair & I asked my daughter about it & she lied to me I hate to say it I would disown her too.

Happy Fathers Day in family!

[Vesuvius87]

I'm wondering if there is more to the story than what the OP is telling. If I had a child, I would find it hard to suddenly stop loving them.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Nowadays there are so many stories out there & to be honest I wouldn’t know what to believe because this is a story with a lot of sides.

Maybe the father is taking a break to cool off because he lost faith in his wife & his daughter & it’s possible he still loves his daughter & isn’t showing it right now because he’s disappointed in her.

[Vesuvius87]

He took a break for 10-11 years by now. Most likely he doesn't care about her anymore. But yeah lately I've been reading a couple other ''father disowning daughters'' stories on reddit that I don't believe them 100%.
All I know is ouch, my parents aren't perfect and have flaws but damn, it would feel terrible to be told ''I don't have a daughter''.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Sometimes things just happen & when people or family burn bridges maybe it’s easier to simply move on. On the flip side there could be more things to this story that is keeping him from patching up things with his daughter. Hopefully she learned a lesson.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm forming two theories right now:
- The OP did way more than just keeping the mother's affair a secret. She plotted serious things against her father and that part is missing in the story. The reason I say this is because I've just read a similar version from a father's side and it's very different from her story. For instance in the father's side, the daughter also disrespected her father for years, wished the mother's AP was her dad instead of ''the ape of her father'' and was after dad's money. His version was a lot serious than the just hiding mom's affair. Years later, the guy in the story admits he wishes to hold his little daddy but is afraid of being seen as a failure, as a loser by her.

- Or maybe, just maybe (like someone just suggested here), he actually did a paternity test and she's indeed not his bio daughter, hence the ''I don't have a daughter'' and the wife's lack of interest in giving him another child when he used to request. Yet getting pregnant from the AP.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

The truth is out there & something tells me we will never know it. In the news it’s all about ratings & for all we know this story was made up. It’s possible the daughter is nuts as well & in her mind it tells a lot of different stories to those who listen. I like your way of thinking.

[Andres77]

I’ve never heard of that story in particular, but I have heard of many stories where family members were utterly cruel to each other. So I would not be surprised if it was true, but there’s no way that’s in here

[Vesuvius87]

I still think a parent should have unconditional love towards his/her child and guide them regardless of how much the kid disappoints them.

[jshm2]

It's the proper thing to do. She betrayed two trusts. One by keeping something so wrong secret, and then trying to justify herself to the wronged party.

The dads situation is a separate issue. He is going to see the woman who cheated on him in his daughter.

[Vesuvius87]

A 16 year-old has no business solving her parents' issues nor taking sides. If a father only loves his child base on expectations of taking his sides, that sounds like conditional love, not unconditional.

[kylee2437]

Sounds realistic and both of the parents sound abusive.

[Vesuvius87]

If both of your parents were abusive then they don't deserve to be parents. That child still needed his guidance at 16. A minor shouldn't be placed in position to take sides. A real loving parent wouldn't give up on his/her no matter what... that's what unconditional love is.
So that father only had conditional love towards his daugher, only love her as long as she's on his side. Sounds manipulative to me.

[kylee2437]

Oh I agree! It’s a good reason to move on from her parents though, because even if he was even a little upset that his daughter held it in, he should be able to forgive her no matter what circumstance. I myself even forgive my exes that have cheated on me. Sounds like the dad in this situation used his wife cheating as an excuse to abandon his entire family.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah he's full of excuses. I understand leaving the cheating wife, remarrying and having another child (he had a son with his next wife) but not speaking to your own flesh and blood... that's cold. If I saw that, I would tell him off, tell him he's full of BS and that yes he does have a daughter.

[KrakenAttackin]

I call BS. There has to be more to it. Perhaps she really isn't his daughter. If momma is a whore there is a good possibility.

[Vesuvius87]

This is why I'm calling that story either a troll or maybe there is something a lot more to that. I don't know of any father in my family (not even my own dad) disowning for that reason. When he said ''I don't have a daughter'', now it makes me wonder if he really did a paternity test and it really indeed isn't his daughter.

[KrakenAttackin]

That would be my guess. Women just don't understand the incredibly deep betrayal and boiling hate that forms in a man when a wife has a baby by another man.

[KrakenAttackin]

The daughter needs to confront the mother.

[mommymommymommy]

Feel like it's a bit harsh, however, she should have told them

[Vesuvius87]

It is harsh. That guy sounds worse than my own father. My father was a jerk sometimes but even he wouldn't disown me for that. In fact, he actually thinks it's neither me nor my brother's business to get involved in parents' issues, nor affair nor whatsoever problems they have.

[Vesuvius87]

It sounds like that guy only operated with the ''As long as my daughter is on my side, I'll love her''. That's conditional love and parents are suppose to love us unconditionally.

[JohnK123]

Sounds horrible and terrible- I hope u are alright! Wyd now

[Vesuvius87]

yeah I dislike that dad in the story. Children should be loved unconditionally by their parents regardless of how much the kid disappoints the parent.

[JohnK123]

Yeah true! What u doing now

[shortster]

Someone who doesn't know how to be a father?

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. Pathetic excuse of a so called father. A child doesn't stop being your child at 16 nor because they didn't take our side or lied to you. I believe that's the only type of unconditional love a normal human can give; towards his/her own child.

[Bklynbadboy12]

That sound pretty normal her parent are assholes

[Vesuvius87]

yeah it seems that some people don't deserve to have kids. It sounds like they never learnt the concept of unconditional love towards your child. A child isn't a friend an spouse you can easily discard if they disappoint or lied to you. That's your own kid.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Well said I agree

[eagle1951]

shet happens

[Vesuvius87]

true and if the story is real, I think that man is full of BS. You don't abandon and stop speaking to your child just because they didn't tell you the truth about mommy cheating. The normal reaction would be to be disappointed but still guide your child no matter what; because well that's still your child after all at 16 years old, she was a minor.