Having doubts is the first step to acquiring knowledge. Too often, people just become reactions to their upbringing... doing what worked for them or doing the opposite if it didn't work. You can raise 10 kids in the same house, all the same way, yet, they'll all turn out different. What works for one won't necessarily work for all. Be observant rather than just seeing what you expect to see.
Don't feel that doing your best is good enough. Take the time to educate yourself to discover how your choices will impact this child long-term. Learn how to avoid potential issues rather than expect therapists to fix the problem after the fact. Don't selfishly plant hangups in them in order to reduce the likelihood of them drawing negative attention to you.
Parents often believe it is their role to protect and guide their kids through life. Actually, it is more important to teach them to think for themselves and be confident in their ability to process information and come up with effective options. Facilitate their exploration and discovery rather than spoon feed them. Rather than teaching them good, bad, right and wrong, and what they should or shouldn't do (which are just ways people use to legitimize pushing one person's agenda onto others), help them to open their eyes to see what is happening and discover what they can do to positively influence the results, according to what makes sense to them. They aren't lumps of clay to be molded by you.
I've heard parents claim they are great parents, as they do what they are supposed to do. The children of these parents often disagree that these parents are great. A great parent provides a stable basis upon which to grow and is someone the child can look up to. Never live just for the kids. Show them you also meet your own needs and be confident and productive and happy. In other words, show them examples of what does work rather than say "Do as I say, not as I do." Even if the child chooses a different path, having someone to look up to can give them ideas they can apply to their own objectives.
Don't be so afraid your kids will hurt themselves that you turn them into puppets who can't think for themselves or just become reactions to your attempt to control them. Help them discover themselves rather than expect to live vicariously through them, as you have them live the life you wanted but never lived. Give them enough variety in their experiences to allow them to discover what best suits them rather than limiting their experiences to your interests.
Parents believe it is their right and duty to criticize their kids, believing that will motivate them to grow. Actually, you'll never see a positive result from criticism. When we feel criticized, we become resistant to change and less likely to take the feelings of the criticizer into consideration. Don't attempt to legitimize your criticism by relabeling it as constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is what we get when we seek feedback from others. Any unsolicited advice will always be received as criticism.
I've just touched on some of the important aspects most parents overlook. Learn what you can in advance. Don't just blindly believe what you're told you should do. Always learn the reasons behind any choice you may make and how it might impact the child into adulthood.
I think it's good to feel that way that way you're on top of things
And you feel that way because the way that you were raised
I was the same way I didn't know my father I had a second father that used to beat me with a belt. And growing up wanting to know who I am I've watched and I listen to everything everybody and. I can see where a lot of people acted just like their parents and then when they had kids they treated their kids the same way they were treated. They were doing to their kids everything that they hated that their parents did to them
I swear up and down did I was going to teach my parents or my step dad that you don't have to hit somebody or beaten until their black and blue. For any reason
But I too was scared that I would follow in those footsteps or at least I thought about it anyway and I was going to allow it to happen
When I was at a young age something in school happened and basically my mom told me what I needed to tell the teacher and it was a lie it was a big fat lie and I've never ever forgot that
So everything I disliked about my parents I made sure that I did everything different and thank God it all worked out to plan because I never had to yell scream touch my kids to discipline them
My favorite word was psssst My first finger in the air motioning come here
With very brief words explain the reason why they can't do what they're doing with asking if they understand they would say yes I would say go have fun think about it before you do it
And I'm very proud parent when you have kids you have to remember
Your goal must be you have to raise them to be better than you
You have to remember they have an empty brain the way they're going to feel it is by listening and watching everything that you say and do whether it's your voice your tone of voice your body language your eye movement they are watching you and they're going to become you
So you teach them through all the above on who to be in life and how to handle any situation
And you have to understand the world is not about you anymore it's about that child and I mean every moment they are watching you they are going to become you and what you don't understand what you need to understand is that you are their God they idolize you so teach them who do be with a kind heart because all you're going to do is set the foundation We were all given a gift when we were born That gift is choice We get to choose who we want to be by the things we say and do in life Just by watching and listening to everything you do say the way you move you are setting the foundation they are going to build the rest on top of that With that foundation is everything You show them strength when you feel weak You teach them how to handle any situation when you're dealt a bad hand By being cool calm and collective and they will be a good good kid for the rest of their life
Not before. While raising them…I had doubts from time to time.. when I had to discipline them (yell at them)…while going through some hormonal changes. now i am glad I did. It’s so important to discipline kids when necessary. I only had to do it once or twice a yr…they are really good kids. since I am a teacher…I also learned to communicate with them as a teacher would rather than like a mom. I don’t get frustrated now…mostly just explain and ask them questions, have them think of the scenario… now that they are 14,16.
while traveling through Europe…I like how families raise their kids here. when you get there…you will learn and grow with them. The best will be having your parents help.
I just reread your question…a bad mother is a soft/weak mother (allowing the kid run the show) … or a mother who neglects her child’s emotional well being. there are books out there to read about different parenting style. another advice…you and your husband must be on the same page about discipline styles.. otherwise kids will manipulate one parent to take advantage of the situation. Kids are smart. My son read this and he approves 😊
It's a common fear that many parents have. I also want to be a mother but feel paranoid about passing on the generational trauma.
The best we can do is to be kind to ourselves and know that we aren't perfect, work on ourselves, get therapy if that would help us, get a mentally and emotionally secure partner who will make a great father to your children, and continue to educate ourselves for the best interest of our children.
There are lots of free resources online that teach everything from baby's health and well-being to how to raise emotionally secure children. You can take courses as well if you will, good luck!
Those of us who are mothers, have all initially felt this dread and concern, it really is only natural.
And I do fully agree with @kelly6 in saying, you will get there, you will be a good mother, and in time you might well be posting precisely what we're posting now to yet another fearful woman.
Yes, I can see that other mothers had their apprehensions at the beginning too, which is rather reassuring. Thank you very much, I hope you're right. ☺️
I'll be honest with you, I nearly didn't get married because of kids. She wanted them but I was the product of divorced parents and I didn't want my kids to go through what I did so I decided I never wanted kids. She loved me though so we agreed on getting a dog. 2 years later we just spoke about it and as bad as I felt about it, I also told myself that just because my parents got divorced, didn't mean we would. I have 3 kids now, 10, 6 and 2. They make me feel equal amounts of fear, joy, happiness, terror, insanity, euphoria, horror and bliss regularly. I love all of them (but girls are such hard work, everyone says so and its confirmed to me. Only have 1 girl, the 2 year old, and she is harder than both boys lol) and have never regretted it. I'm the full time, stay at home dad and as cheesy and cliché as it sounds, I truly feel honoured to guide them as they grow (its hit and miss but you kinda make up in other areas lol).
🤗 If you are willing to try, and not give up, then you automatically are one of the best parents..
You love and nurture will raise him..
Your mistakes or anger might scar him, but those scars will give him purpose to push forward in life..
For example, my parents did a great job.
But my mom, did a lot of physical and verbal abuse.. And my dad would be at home only on weekends.. 🤔
Now my purpose is to not let any other kid around be physwor verbally abuse, and if ever I am a father, I would try to stay in their vicinity 24X 7 until they are teenager!..
It's one of the best jobs for which the best training is having a child. It's a lifelong commitment and not for the faint of heart or timid. But it also has rewards beyond compare.
Yes, of course we had doubts. Just, don't feel guilty about any mistake with Kid1 that you have worked out by the time you have Kid2. It's a learning process, but the love supersedes the work and the mistakes.
There are the proverbial gillion books on the topic- just be careful which ones you read and use.
fear is a terrible master and don't want fear to limit having kids.
i guarantee you won't be perfect and each kid is different... based upon whom the dad is, you'll get different personality kids. you may get a personality you never had to deal with.
pay attention to other parents, learn and you'll develop skills.
Not a parent here. But I think most people especially women have anxieties before their first child. So you won´t be the first and you won´t be the last. Maybe look for older parents in real life as a rolemodel if you want your parents or someone else. Learn from them.
Yes, especially because both my father and my grandfather were not very present for their children - they provided for them, but otherwise left their care to the mother or nanny.
I try my best, but I feel like I can't really connect with my daughter.
There is nothing wrong with doubting yourself... wondering if you will be a good parent. It even applies when you are a parent. That doubt pushes you to learn good parenting skills.
Bad parents are those who think they know it all... when they don't.
TBH I only really truly thought about it after my ex fell. pregnant. Faced with the reality of fatherhood it forced me to really look in the mirror and I wasn't sure how i'd do. Didn't help she ended our relationship and was making it clear she was the primary parent, I was very much secondary in her eyes. I was going to be a part time dad. As it was she miscarried. A little. while later I met someone else, now have 2 beautiful kids. I'm doing an OK job so far I think
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
I don't think i ever had these concerns. In the end, I ended up being someone who til this day struggles to bond with her baby, because my mental health sucks, and because people just won't back off. It didn't help that I was also robbed off skin to skin bonding with my baby after she was born.
Don't worry, You will be a good mother.🌱When you will hold your new born baby it will turn to to a whole new better person. A loving and caring mother. motherhood is the best thing one woman can do as per evolution 🌱even that's what social science suggest motherhood is better than career.🌱
i think all parents tend to worry about being parents. i know i had concerns. but as long as you have your life together and can care for things beyond yourself then you should be OK as a parent
I'm sure you will be a very good mother. I wouldn't say that about anybody, some people seem to be too much about themselves to be a good parent. You look outwards to the world.
Me too pretty much. An to be completely frank, I know what a brat I was and still am, and I finally figured of why I'm like this, and honestly, I don't want to deal with that. My mom really wants grandkids, but I'm scared, yes.
Girl I’m going through this right now ! I’m pregnant and scared my kid will be disappointed with me as a mom. But my baby’s dad keeps telling me I got this so that helps
I really want kids, but at the same time I’m scared of them. I think all these doubts and fears will go away once you actually have a child and there is really nothing to worry about.
I'm a father. My son is almost 5 and I still worry I'm going to screw up.
I don't think you can be a good parent if you don't have that concern
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
Yes I relate to you!
My mom is pure evil and I'm scared im gonna be like her. Like I know im not evil like she is but it still scares me. What if pregnancy makes me crazy or something..😣
Can’t really be a bad parent if you give it basic need love them teach them how to be independent listen to how they feel/ be emotionally there for your child
Home > Family & Friends > Questions > I'd like to be a mother, but at the same time I'm afraid of being a bad one. Did you have these doubts before becoming a parent?
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