Why do Boomers never apologize?

[mobiusforniner]

I grew up with parents who forced me to apologize for everything. I often got beat and forced to apologize for stuff my parents had screwed up. Now in my adult life, they still talk down to me in my own house in front of my own wife and kids. When I directed them to leave my home, they got very offended and wouldn't leave until I apologized to them for being disrespectful. Somehow it's okay for them to be disrespectful?

My wife's parents are the same way. Both our parents are boomers. If we tell them what they said or did makes us upset, they immediately get defensive and demand we apologize.

Is this a generational thing or are they just assholes?

[AmandaYVR]

They don't? Hmm, l don't know. Could be a generalization, but I'll try to explore this with you...

Parenting has changed. Some of the traits and philosophies relating to that generation are a more hierarchical family structure where the man is the head of the family, the woman runs the house domestically (which is similar to today, but things are more equally distributed with more sharing of chores and responsibilities) and parents were of the "because I said so" style, instead of negotiating and compromising (and coddling) their kids. They might be less affectionate, give less praise and affirmation, and not tell their kids they love them. They expected kids to be more responsible earlier on, yet perhaps paradoxically there was more letting the kids be gone for many hours at a time (latchkey kids were common - meaning, you had a key and got home by yourself. Only rule was to get back before sundown, or by dinner time, kind of thing). These are all generalizations, but they are associated with their parenting style and beliefs. And, yes, there was more punishment, and some of that was physical.

Your q made me wonder whether they apologize to other people, people they consider their peers, equals, but do not to their kids. The parent:child relationship dynamic often persists until death. It's unfortunate that the parent tends to rail against any change in 'power'. Sometimes I wonder how they can think that they always know better, in all situations. There seems to be a slight shift in this happening now, and with Millennial parents (and Gen-X which are the parents of Millennials, though Gen X might be the bridge with one foot in each style?), where parenting is less dictatorial and more democratic. But in general, with more traditional parents, they may not like the relational dynamic changing. And they may not be likely to admit failings.

In terms of technology, Boomers are struggling. To be fair, being on social media is not exactly a great skill, and there are a lot of people of all ages who don't even know how to work their TV, for instance, to its fullest, but just about everything and everyone is online now, and you'd think that would humble Boomers a bit who would like to be more capable, yet don't ask their adult children for help. But this mentality does seem to expand to many/most areas of life, where they think they know better about politics, societal things, etc. But the further we as a society move away from hierarchical structures, the more democratic yet chaotic things seem to get. Think of it in terms of the military vs. a board where everyone gets a vote and individual opinions are equally weighted.

On the flip side, some people believe that kids are the ones who are actually running, ruling, dictating households nowadays. They throw temper tantrums, refuse to do all sorts of things, and parents cave to shut them up, or because 'abuse' is thrown around pretty cavalierly now. No parents believes they let the kids do this, run amok, but this situation does exist. Some kids are tiptoed around. I used to have clients who would only make appts. with me working around their kid's nap time, which prioritizes the kid, not the adults and our/my time. And while the kids are awake, they interrupt adult conversation and activities a lot. Everything that the kid wants gets heavily factored in. Whereas I've also seen older mothers of another generation said that they taught their baby to sleep through anything. These are pretty much polar opposite views on child-rearing.

So I can see this from two sides. I don't have kids, but if I did, I would do something in between. I expect most people would probably agree with that, and say they are the same.

I'm sorry your parents have been so unfair and unkind, and even violent, to you. That wasn't right.

Sorry for the long comment, but my main conclusion is that, with some people, they believe that admitting fault makes them lose power in relationships. But to many others, admitting fault gains respect. But if one person apologizes often, it does tend to set a precedent of their apparent wrongdoing, which is then used against them in future disagreements.

You do not have to keep apologizing to them. But just one thing to keep in mind - you said that they disrespected you in your own house and in front of your wife and kids, and that is like your parents' view on family. That is about respect as well. You are all fighting for respect.

[mobiusforniner]

Amanda, I always appreciate your well conceived and open minded responses. I agree with yours and other responses here that my question is an over generalization of the boomer generation. But it doesn’t negate the frustration or troubles inherent in traditional thinking.

I’m still perplexed why there needs to be some kind of “power” dynamic between a parent and child. I especially observe this with our parents, where I’m still expected to agree and any opinion of my own is “disrespectful”. Since having my own children, I’ve committed myself to offering my children choices and an equal voice- something I obviously did not have- and I’ve observed this reap dividends. My children are happy, trusting and fearless. My upbringing did not offer this. I grew up fearful, untrusting and unhappy

I believe our parents observe the difference. Maybe it’s a subconscious middle finger to them seeing the cycle break and a happier more effective future result- a perpetual reminder that they too could have made these choices but didn’t. I don’t know. The frustrating aspect is how firm they are in holding to what they feel is the “right way”. They will convince themselves I’m somehow bad or evil simply because my philosophy doesn’t align with theirs. My dad threatened to beat my kids because they are too “happy” and my in laws tell me “pain and sorrow” is what teaches children.

What a miserable way to live life

[AmandaYVR]

That's very nice to hear your children are happy, trusting and fearless.

It's unfortunate your parents on both sides are so obstinate.
"My dad threatened to beat my kids because they are too “happy” and my in laws tell me “pain and sorrow” is what teaches children." This is wicked. Grandparents seem to think they have half ownership of their grandkids, and I sympathize with parents everywhere who deal with this.

And thank you for the kind words and feedback.
Good luck to you.

[mobiusforniner]

Likewise Amanda, and thank you

[rosemilk]

because they never think that they're wrong so they won't know what to apologize for

[slatyb]

The generational thing is your absurd belief. Maybe you are just hanging around a bunch of assholes. The boomers I know are very gracious.

[mobiusforniner]

That's actually validating. I don't understand why they do it.

[mobiusforniner]

Kinda hard not to hang around people who are your parents though

[slatyb]

I think it's a local problem. I'm on Seattle and my older friends are all very nice and tolerant of differences.

[Lliam]

They are just ass holes. Not all boomers are like that. Boomers are extremely diverse, just as are people of all generations.

[OlderAndWiser]

Are you and everyone your age all alike? C'mon, man!

[mobiusforniner]

You’re expecting me to apologize?

[mobiusforniner]

Typical boomer response. Lol

[OlderAndWiser]

I never said apologize. You brought that up. I am only suggesting that you are overgeneralizing, but you don't need to apologize for doing that. Perhaps you are practicing for when you get to be this age and you are required to act a certain way! Hahaha!

[mobiusforniner]

I respect that. The fact im getting butt reamed with both my parents and in laws makes it feel less coincidental. I’m sure my generalization isn’t fully credible. Just frustrating.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yeah, it's easy to overgeneralize, until you become the victim.

I have people on this site asking me about the conditions in my nursing home. What a joke! I still work 40 hours per week, president of my alumni group, just retired as president of my congregation, sing in my church choir, and getting married in April. I have many good years left in me but there are SOME people my age who are already quite decrepit.

I've heard that "joke" enough times for it to be a raw spot for me.

[mobiusforniner]

Curious though, were you frequently beaten as a child? My parents beat me and my siblings often for stuff that we didn’t even do, just because they needed someone to blame. Whenever I questioned it, they’d tell me it’s how their parents (the great generation) did things. That’s why I wonder if it’s generational or is it just an excuse for them to continue being assholes

[OlderAndWiser]

I got a few spankings when I was a kid but I almost always was guilty of doing something I shouldn't have done. I think your parents are just jerks.

[msc545]

Men of all ages have trouble apologizing. It is not generational.