Passed on people's birthdays?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and I were speaking about my parents age and his father passed away and I asked what his parents ages were and he told me I know his father is dead and I asked well what was his age going to be and he said his not talking about it and got upset, I just asked cause even though my sister passed away we still sort of celebrate her birthday and memory so I didn't think it would be a big deal, thoughts? I don't know what to say to fix it

[Oliverlogan263]

Okay, so this is a tricky situation since it involves death and memorializing lost loved ones. A few thoughts:

- Birthdays and age milestones can often bring up difficult emotions for those who've lost someone. It may have felt too painful for him to think about his dad aging.

- Some people don't like to discuss the deceased's age or details as it makes the loss feel more real/finite versus something more abstract.

- You had no way of knowing this would upset him since you were just making conversation, not trying to pry open old wounds.

- Your way of still commemorating your sister is lovely, but everyone grieves differently. What helps one may hurt another.

I'd give him some space for now, but later you could gently say you didn't mean to cause him distress, you were just chatting. And in the future, maybe avoid bringing up his dad directly unless he does first. Once he cools off, hopefully he'll understand it was innocent on your part. Losing parents young is really hard. Just try listening if he wants to talk through how he's feeling. With time and care, this can blow over.

[Asker]

So then I just never bring his father up?

Thanks for the advice

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, that's a tough one. I wouldn't say never bring his dad up again completely, but probably avoid directly asking about him for a while. Give it some time so those feelings aren't still so raw, ya know?

Maybe in a few weeks if it comes up naturally in conversation, it could be okay to gently bring him up. Or on like, the anniversary of his dad's death or birthday you could acknowledge it and let him know you're thinking of him during that time. But let your boyfriend lead the conversation - don't force it.

And definitely don't tiptoe around the subject forever either. Losing a parent is something that affects people forever, but being able to talk about them sometimes can help with the grieving process too.

I'd just play it by ear and take your cues from him. See how he responds if/when you gently bring his dad up in the future. As long as he sees you're coming from a place of caring about him and his family, I bet over time he'll be okay opening up about his dad with you for support. But for now, give it some more time to heal. Hope this helps - just don't want you to freak him out mentioning it again too soon ya know?

[Asker]

Thank you

[Oliverlogan263]

My pleasure

[Mr_twoface]

To begin with apologies for upsetting him and express that your question had to ill intention. Explain to him the reason behind your question with regards to your sisters passing and celebrating her. Continue by saying, he doesn't have to share it and you just wanted to acknowledge his dads birthday.

If he shares with you, fine. If he doesn't, just let it be and move on. For him it may be too sensitive and emotional, but I am sure he will at some point, let you know.

[Asker]

I did mention that I didn't know and apologized cause I didn't know it would be insensitive and I did say I just wanted to know more about him and his family , so it isn't so bad then? Think he'll forgive me?

[Mr_twoface]

Well, if the topic was emotional for him, its never a bad thing apologising again and repeating yourself. If he loves you, he'll surely forgive. Don't see why he would be so upset about it after you have apologised.

[Asker]

I did , like three times , still upset

[Mr_twoface]

Well, then leave him to it, and let him crawl back to you. You've done what you can do. Its time for him to overcome his emotions and realise the importance of having you in his life.

[Asker]

Yeah I guess thank you

[HelpfulWoman]

You apologise for being insensitive and assuming everyone does the same thing. You apologise for a lack of brain cells

[TheSpaceGnome]

Most people do not celebrate birthdays of dead people because thinking about loss is upsetting.
Stop pressing the matter.

[Asker]

What's wrong with you? I didn't press the matter, I asked once and realized it's wrong and a touchy subject so I just explained why I did it to not sound insensitive and then apologized several times, not everyone is as big brained such as yourself