Why do parents that disown their children even have kids in the first place?

[Anonymous]

If they're not going to love their child unconditionally till the very end, why even have kids? Too many stories of parents disowning their children for choosing a partner they hate, for being gay, for refusing to follow their religion or whatever reason.

Why even have kids in the first place? Why would they throw away all those years? Easily discard the day that kid came into the world, that first smile as if they were nothing. Reduce that child to a random stranger on the streets. Worse than being dead. If a loved one dies, at least you mourn and remember the good memories; that's acknowledging them right there. With disownment, you're not even acknowledging them at all. You're saying they don't exist and never did. If they're going to have kids and throw away those memories, why even bother having kids?

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

I have a very, very good friend who was a "oops baby", meaning her parents only intended to have one child, but 10+ years later (I’m really not sure how old the older brother is)… Oops! Anyway, her older brother must be in his early 30s by now. he was, and probably still is, a very serious drug addict! He stole from the family and they put him in rehab, he went right back to the drugs! He started bragging about the people he had hurt, shot, and killed. The parents put him in rehab! He stole his dad's car, ran a red light and almost killed a family, they paid his attorney fees his bail money, they put him in rehab, and even though he didn't go to prison, he did spend several months in jail with requirement to go through rehab, but the parents were even stricter and demanded that he go to a 30 day inpatient rehab center. He ran away from that center, and moved to California, I believe. They have only seen him one time since then, although… he would start to regularly call the family and torment them.

The conversations always seemed to start off nice, he'd start with "I've changed my life”, but by the end of the phone call he was blaming whoever was on the other end of that phone for every single problem he had in his life! Eventually, the death threats started coming! They tried to get a restraining order, but they didn't know where he was, so he couldn't be served with the subpoena. One evening there was a knock at the door and when my friend's dad answered the door, her brother was standing there with his finger pointed at his dad, he said. “bang! You're fucking dead! Next time it won't be my finger!” and he walked away, of course he removed the Tag from his car, knowing that his dad would call the police! Nobody has seen or heard from him since that night, but my friend's parents were forced to legally disown and disinherit their son! They still love him very much. That much is obvious whenever his name comes up, by how truly upset emotionally the parents get. They are terrified of him, and they are terrified that he will kill his sister, then eventually kill both parents for the inheritance! (it's not like nobody has ever killed someone for the inheritance in the past!). All three members of that family have all the legal documents in both image format, and packaged in a PDF. So that the next time he calls one of them, they can immediately text him back, letting him know that if anything happens to family, the entire estate will go to charity! BEFORE he can block them!

Sometimes, loving someone is just not enough! Sometimes, if an adult child gets so dangerous because of drug addiction, and in his case, almost certainly paranoid schizophrenia, (based on the voicemails that I have heard myself.) That disowning the child and documenting every single threat, is the only way to protect yourself from them. That families worst fear by the way, is not that he will kill them…It’s that he’ll break-in and one of them will have to kill him in self defense! Yet through all that, the amount of love they all still have for him is still very obvious!

Yes, I'm well aware that people have disowned their children because of homosexuality, although I've never personally heard of a family disowning a child because they got religion, or changed their religion. I'm sure that happens too, and it is unforgivable! But some families have no choice, but to do the most drastic thing they could never have imagined doing which is to disown their own child! I am a very empathetic person, but even I could not imagine the pain caused by needing to disown and disinherit your child, in an attempt to save your own lives!

I really hope this helps someone understand why it might be necessary to disown one’s own child, not because they are gay, not because they are trans, but because they are so dangerous that the family is terrified of him!

Sincerely, Laura 💔

[Asker]

That was a tearjerker indeed and it's very sad they tried their best and at the end were forced to do that in order to protect their own lives. This would be like an exceptional case, where disowning a child really should be the very last resort (when you're really fearing for you life... like in your story) not the first.
In this following story, this dad resorted to disownment as the first resort as soon as the girl turns 18 and only because his daughter hid the mother's affair. The mother got her involved in that when she was still a minor. Unlike your story, this one didn't deserve a disownment, esp when the child is trying to get in contact so badly and isn't posing any threat to your life. I wouldn't disown a child just for hiding my partner's infidelity.
www.reddit.com/.../

[Cute_Miss_Laura]

I agree with you that what happened in THAT story was unacceptable! I think there is only one reason to disown your children, and that is if their life choices have caused them to be a danger to your family. I truly hope that woman gets the help she desperately needs. sadly the story has been archived so I couldn't give her any advice. But yes, both parents abused their positions of power, and really hurt that girl, (now woman), and I hope she can put back the pieces of her life back together, move on with her life and her new family, and maybe ask her fiancé’s dad to walk her down the isle. I doubt he would ever disown her especially with her being the mother of their grandson!

Thank you for sharing that with me, it too was a real tear jerker, and my friends were harping on me of get off my phone, when they saw my eyes welling up with tears. I also want to thank you for replying, and sharing that. It’s times like these that I thank god that my parents are still married, as are my boyfriend’s parents, who absolutely LOVE me. So I’m sure her new in-laws will love her like she was their own daughter. She deserves THAT, at the very least!

Most sincerely, Laura 🤗

[Agape93]

My parents did because I refused to be the weak little shit they tried to force me to be.

[Asker]

It sucks to hear some parents never deserved to held the title ''parents''. They sound like narcissists that only see their children as trophies, only wanting the child to live up to their expectations.

[Agape93]

That's one of the reasons I'll never have a kid in any fashion, I am not good for kids.

With her it was more religious extremism.

Shut up, cook, clean, fuck only your husband, have kids and abandon any hope of self determination for your own happiness and safety.

Fuck that.

[Asker]

It's a good thing you didn't comply to what they insisted you to do. If getting married and being one of those religious housewive isn't your interest, you're free to find your happiness. They should've listened to what makes you happy. If they ever beg you back in their lives, don't even accept them.

[Agape93]

Oh I won't. Fuck em all.

Exactly. You are the sole arbiter of your destiny, only you can decide where it goes and who is in it and why.

[mobiusforniner]

Because the parent isn’t getting what they want from their child. The parent is focusing on their own internal desires and doesn’t see their child as a separate individual. Love, is letting go- not of their child- but of what THEY want. And if they cannot do that, then they’ll reap the results later in life

For such parents, their idea of love is always based on condition. They love you when you do what they want. Oftentimes the wants are an endless list- must get good grades, excel in every sport, excel in every music instrument, go to a good college, get a good job. Fail at any of these “wants” and that child is beaten, shamed, and guilted for being a loser. A failure. A waste of a parent’s efforts

And after achieving all these “wants” I’m now a narcissistic, self absorbed, independent asshole who thinks “he’s better than everyone else” And as such, my parents disowned and disinherited me because im still not doing what they “want”.

I learned, I am never going to be what they want. I learned to never be my parents

[DrPepper12]

I've dealt with kids disowned by parents for being gay. It's heartbreaking and enraging. I don't understand it and every time it will INSTANTLY raise that "protect the pack" response as a teacher. I'm angry just writing this. 🤬

[WindAtMyBack]

Some kids deserved to be disowned. I have a friend whose daughter is the most horrible person I have ever met in my entire life. She is a totally worthless pieces of shit. I wish my friend WOULD disown her.

It's not like people know how their kids will turn out when they grow up. Some of them turn out to be terrible.

[Asker]

Maybe she doesn't have it in her to walk away from her child. Not everyone has the capacity to just disown meanwhile others had conditional love the whole time. If they can disown, then their love wasn't unconditional.
I think there is a middle ground though. If I had a child that become a real horrible criminal, meanwhile I'll take their names out of the inheritance and not support their actions (and definitely agree to keeping them locked up for their crimes), I imagine still visiting them in prison and reprimanding them at first but then continue visiting them from time to time.

[Asker]

This will be an extreme example for here goes:
One of the most horrible serial killers that ever existed in history by the name of Ted Bundy, would still get visited by his mother. The lady stopped claiming his innocence and knew he was guilty at the end but never stopped loving him. The very last words he heard from his mother, hours before his execution were; You'll always be my precious son. Unconditional love right there.

[WindAtMyBack]

A parent's love for a child is not unconditional. Nor should it be.

The reason she doesn't disown completely is because she can't say no and stick to it. Her daughter is a huge manipulator. She manipulates the hell out of her mother. Even the cops know that and banned the daughter from going to her mother's house. Not even the mother can give permission for the daughter to go to her house. The police did that because they know how much the daughter manipulates her mother. So basically the cops are doing what the mother can't.

[wiltingrosepetal]

Everything links back to the way they were raised. You reap what you sow as a parent - raise them well and you will have the proudest experience of your life seeing them form into a well-balanced adult, raise them badly and they'll end up badly.

I do realise it's a game of luck, though. My older brother was always the sullen, distant type. We realise now that's because he's on the spectrum, but growing up? He was almost kicked out several times over his attitude. I meanwhile have the ADHD gene, so I've always been chatty, fun, and very close with my parents. Sometimes you just end up with a kid you don't like, but as a parent you have to love them

[leahzrc]

If you are talking about my dad, he is a big fat liar. He lied to everyone about me.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Why blame it on her daughter when the parents should know better? If the dauhter manipulates her mother you say, I am guessing that the mother is just too soft who shouldn't really have kids in the first place. But who made the foolish desicion of bringing the daughter to this world? You know it doesn't matter if she had a son or a different daughter. If they are raised similarly, the result will be the same. Kids dont choose their personality by themselves. While it can be inherited, the environment place a bigger role in shaping someone's personality.

[WindAtMyBack]

@Aiko_E_Lara

Of course the mother is a strong influence. But eventually everyone has to take responsibility for their own lives and stop making excuses that they were not brought up perfectly. The woman's daughter had a child of her own, but the courts took the kid from her. The mother ended up raising her grand kid. No she wasn't perfect raising a kid. But nobody is. Her grand kid turned out to be just fine.

I have known them for a long time. A parent's influence only goes so far. That's why kids raised by the same parents can turn out VERY differently. I've seen it happen many many times.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Eventually yes but that doesn't mean it is solely their responsibility that it is reasonable enough to disown them because that's just means you stop giving responsibility to them forgetting that it is also your responsibility "too". Unless if they reach the age of consent but we're talking about "kids" here. It's more like you're making excuses to just call yourself a good parent for it. You had a good 18 years of feeding wisdom into them so you're making a lot of excuses and your claims are so anecdotal.

[AviatorTom]

No one knows what parenting is like... until you become a parent. There is no advance training, and parenting skills are learned "on-the-job". Some parents do a good job of parenting, some do a not-so-good job. And some parents realize, too late, that they weren't cut out to be parents.

[Zbrody1997]

By your logic families should accept their child if they commit rape or are pedos. If you disown your child it’s because they don’t deserve to be encouraged to continue doing wrong by your morals or teachings. And that’s a 2 way street. Kids disown their parents for similar reasons. What is the difference?

[Rainbowxoxo]

I think disownment of a child should be reserved as the very last resort in a truly dangerous situation. If my life were in imminent danger and they're loose, as in literal fear they're going to come after me and other family members at any day to kill us (and already stalked us several times, threatening to kill us) and I have no option as I've tried everything to help them, then I would distance myself from them and get a restraining order to protect my life.
If they're locked up in prison for a very long time for their crimes and aren't loose, I would visit them once in a while, expressing my disappointment.

Parents are the ones teaching their values and morals from the time they're babies (brought us into the world after all) and sometimes might even feel responsible for the outcome. Parents are like our very first teachers. Kids on the other way, generally act base on how they were raised. Though there are exceptions to every rule. Unlike parental love, the love of a child towards a parents generally isn't as uncondicional as parents to kids.

[Jackblue]

I can accept them doing so in extreme situations, aka their child is a criminal, too often though parents expect when they have children they will just have a trophy they can mold however they want instead of another human being that they need to allow to follow their own path.

[MemeSupreme]

terrible parents are selfish so they don't think of their kids like we do

[Aiko_E_Lara]

They are either made by accident and they didn't choose to abort or they're just naive who can't really blame themselves but blame everything on the children.

[handsomelad70]

Perhaps their children murdered, raped, robbed banks or committed another grievous act which caused their parents to disown them. Barring that, parents shouldn't disown their offspring.

[Asker]

Even in the worst case scenario, I picture myself visting them in prison, giving them a great tongue lashing about how they royally messed up, how disappointed they made me, asked if I fail them at some point, maybe even cry with them, etc. But yeah still visit them till my last day on earth.
I wouldn't support their terrible actions nor financially support them (nope) but my love wouldn't disappear.

[handsomelad70]

OK, I can see that as well.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Because they're stupid and think birth control/condoms/etc actually work.

They do not work.

[dustybiker2]

Not everyone who has children wants them. Not all are planned.

[KrakenAttackin]

I agree. A parent should support and guide his/her children through thick and thin.

[Friendlybro79]

These types have kids to control them for their entire lives

[thisAppIsGarbage]

It's a roll of the Dice. Some kids are just a huge disappointment. So much so you never want to see them again and wish you never had.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

You can't blame the kids when they know nothing. With that mindset, you shouldn't have kids at all even if they are worth raising.

[thisAppIsGarbage]

You sound like someone that doesn't have any kids. Probably can't find anyone to even fuck you either

[Aiko_E_Lara]

And what makes you any difference? The big difference here is I have a brain and you don't

[thisAppIsGarbage]

What makes me different. I've had sex. And 6 kids that all love me. Loser

[Aiko_E_Lara]

If you like making stories up then I can say I'm your father and I fucked your mom years ago.

[thisAppIsGarbage]

My mother died in 2011 and my father 2012. I wish you were one of them.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

You can join your mom and take your own advice. She died because she's too weak to handle brats like you

[Aiko_E_Lara]

And I got to fuck your mom when she was alive. If you like telling stories, so do I

[VV3ZZY123]

Arguments and disagreements plus the inability to forgive or apolagize

[Jkgordon]

So many answers for this. Take your pick